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Internet Oracularities #1090

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Internet Oracularities #1090    (69 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 15:13:47 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1090
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1090  69 votes erk71 k98kc 1gwh3 asgd2 dadkd 2auo3 1snf2 bjp86 bhbge 45jre
1090  2.9 mean  2.3   2.9   3.1   2.6   3.1   3.2   2.8   2.7   3.1   3.6


1090-01    (erk71 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty One, I need help.  I just bought a bunch of horses.  My plan was
> to make money with them, but it's not working out quite the way I
> wanted.  Yes, I'm making money.  I'm making money for the feed store,
> for the veterinarian, for the blacksmith, and for my insurance man.
> I'm just not making money for me.  Can you tell me what I should be
> doing to make money with them?  Or at least how to lose less money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Develop a relationship with a French meat merchant
}
} you owe the Oracle 10 lb. of *saucisson chevaline*


1090-02    (k98kc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who can beat Doom in Nightmare mode,
>
> What would "Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence" be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE
} GAME REVIEW OF THE MONTH:
}
} Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} Just how much mileage can a games manufacturer get out of a single
} product? If the product is DN3D, an almost unlimited amount,
} apparently. The Plutonium Pak, Atomic Edition, Nuclear Winter, Life's a
} Beach... the list of add-ons seems endless. The cry goes up: oh, for
} some new weapons, some new baddies, some new anything!
}
} Take heart, all you shoot-em-up slugfest-loving psychopaths out there:
} with "A Critique of Pure Violence", Dukey enters a whole new dimension!
} Gone are the tattered old Troopers and Pig Cops, to be replaced by
} kick-ass Stoics, Sophists and Neo-Pythagoreans. Hell, these guys will
} argue that pleasure is irrelevant to the attainment of happiness as
} soon as look at you, and stir-fry your nuts to prove it! And the human
} females are much more interactive than before! Go up to the go-go girls
} in the red light district bar, wave some money under their noses and
} they'll expound the empiricism of Francis Bacon to you till you cry
} "uncle".
}
} You have some really neat new weapons to try out too, such as the
} Phenomenological Cannon and the Concept of Dread Bomb. And there's
} a Boss Philosopher at the end of each level!
}
} Once again, the game is powered by the Quake engine, but now it has
} sound and graphics to die for (or from!) Okay, so the minimum spec is
} a P266 MicroCray with 1064 Mflops RAM and a liquid nitrogen-cooled 3D
} accelerator. But once you've got the hardware sorted, the AI of the
} baddies will impress the socks off you! If you thought Kierkegaard's
} satires of Hegelian Rationalism were biting, wait till these guys
} sink their fangs into your dialectics!
}
} To give too much away at this stage would spoil all the fun, so this
} review will restrict itself to describing the demo version only. This
} consists of four levels:
}
} 1. Pluralism - The Parmenideans come at you thick and fast from the
}    very start, claiming there are four material elements and two
}    forces, and that these can neither come into being nor pass away.
}    You counter with Zeno's Paradox which freezes them into immobility,
}    at which point you can blow them away with your shotgun. The Boss
}    Philosopher of this level is Anaxagoras of Clazomenae (looking
}    vaguely like the alien from the "Predator" series), who will try to
}    convince you that everything is contained within everything else as
}    a prelude to chopping you into infinitely small particles.
}
} 2. The Doctrine of God's Will - Blasting and debating your way through
}    a medieval dungeon, the pressure never lets up. No sooner have you
}    established the validity of Anselm's proof of the existence of God
}    than you are faced with a slavering, 12-foot, razon-wielding death-
}    merchant. Yes, it's William of Ockham, looking not a little like
}    Strife out of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys". When this guy
}    says human reason alone is insufficient to reach the truth, you
}    believe him!
}
} 3. Logical Positivism - It may be true that there's nothing Nietzsche
}    couldn't teach you about breaking people's heads, but here it's
}    Wittgenstein that's the bolshy swine who radically denies the
}    meaningfulness of metaphysics by ripping out the intestines of
}    anyone who approaches him with unverifiable assertions about moral,
}    esthetic or religious values. Take your existentialism in your left
}    hand, your rocket launcher in your right, and proceed with extreme
}    caution.
}
} 4. Marxism - And what better way to round off a binge of blood and
}    brain cells than with the Bearded Behemoth of the Bourgeoisie
}    himself? If you can separate this sucker from his Kapital without
}    resorting to revolutionary action (or even cheat codes), you're
}    ready for the commercial game!
}
} Your reviewer unhesitatingly awards DN:ACOPV his coveted Gold Medal
} for sheer gut-wrenching, mind-bending, adrenaline-surging nihilism.
} But remember, you need skill as well as an unquenchable bloodlust to
} win. As Dukey himself says, "I think, therefore I aim."
}
} Like hell he does!


1090-03    (1gwh3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will my big break ever come?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yes.  Next winter, in fact.  Left femur, right tibia, two ribs, and
} three metacarpals in your right hand.
}
} You owe the Oracle the use of your skis while you recover.


1090-04    (asgd2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderfully talented Oracle, who makes the three tenors sound like
> Weird Al...
>
> Would the musical Oklahoma have been as successful if it had been
> called
>
> Utah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let us see.
}
} Utah
} Written by the Internet Oracle
} (With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)
}
} Brand new state, gonna treat you great!
} From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!
} Gonna give you barley, alfalfa and wheat,
} Pasture fer the cattle and squash, ain't that neat!
} Flowers on the plateau where the June bugs zoom,
} Plen'y of pollution and plen'y of room,
} Plen'y of room to swing a rope!
} Plen'y of heart and plen'y of hope.
}
} Utah, where the wind comes sweepin' o'er the hills,
} And the copper mines can sure smell fine
} When the wind comes blowin' through the trees!
} Utah, ev'ry night my honey lamb and I
} Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk makin' lazy circles in the sky.
} We know we belong to the land
} And the land we belong to is grand!
} And when we say--Yeeow! A-yip-i-o-ee ay!
} We're only sayin' You're doin' fine, Utah! Utah --O.K.
}
} Judge for yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Rodgers and Hammerstein.
} Autographed.


1090-05    (dadkd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <insert Steve Wright joke here>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the first sentence of the reply.  This is the second sentence,
} which immediately follows the first sentence.  In this sentence, it is
} noted that this sort of thing has been done before by David Moser.
} This sentence apologizes to Mr. Moser for appropriating his idea, but
} expresses the belief that in this instance, it is appropriate.  This
} sentence indicates that the pun in the previous sentence is
} intentional.  This is the final sentence of the paragraph, and is
} merely there to give the reader time to groan at the pun.
}
} This is the first sentence of the second paragraph of this reply.  This
} sentence ponders the self-referential nature of the reply, and wonders
} whether it is appropriate, after all.  In answer to the question posed
} by the previous sentence, this one notes that the supplicant's question
} was a generic reference to Steve Wright's one-liners.  Continuing along
} these lines, this sentence avers that this form of writing is a type of
} generic answer, and is therefore perfect for the purpose.  This
} sentence disagrees.  A lively discussion, replete with dependent and
} independent clauses, which lead to a complex sentence structure that is
} difficult to understand, rather like the works of James Fenimore
} Cooper, takes place in this sentence, but no satisfactory resolution to
} the debate is found. This sentence solves the problem by answering all
} of Steve Wright's jokes.
}
} This sentence begins a new paragraph.  The sentence after this one
} brings up the point that the supplicant did not grovel.  The sentence
} before this one expresses the viewpoint that groveling is not
} obligatory, and quotes the help file in support of this viewpoint.
} This sentence points out the clever way the previous two sentences
} managed to refer to each other.  This sentence wonders if this could
} result in the two sentences being in the wrong order.  This sentence
} points out a paradox, in that the sentences must simultaneously be in
} both the right order and the wrong order.  This sentence expresses
} confusion over which order is the right one.  At this point, all
} thoughts of punishing the supplicant having been forgotten amid the
} discussion, this sentence ends the paragraph.  This sentence slyly
} points out that the previous sentence didn't really end the paragraph,
} after all.
}
} This sentence tells the supplicant what he owes the Oracle, in payment
} for services tendered.


1090-06    (2auo3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <davis@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh marvellously robust Oracle, he of transfinite knowledge and mighty
> girth!
>
> I am going to be judging a dog show next weekend. The trouble is, last
> year we had a very fine dachshund, to whom was awarded the "Best of
> Show" blue ribbon. However, after we'd bestowed the ribbon, it turns
> out that what we had was not a dachshund, but Las Vegas showman Wayne
> Newton. It was a very embarassing situation, and one we hope to avoid
> this time around.
>
> So tell me wise one, how can one easily distinguish between Wayne
> Newton and a dachshund?
>
> Yours, etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, there's been a regular epidemic of celebrities impersonating
} the contestants at dog shows. However, the false can always be
} distinguished from the true, usually during the talent contest
} (though if the dog wears nothing for the Evening Gown phase, it's
} probably Cher). Celebrities have too much ego to play the part of a
} simple dog -- they have to personalize it.
}
} If the contestant can't sing, it's likely to be Wayne Newton; but
} singing too well is a danger sign -- could be Pavarotti.
}
} Dog can't dance, Michael Jackson; dances too well, Baryshnikov;
} bumps into things, Andrea Boccelli. Or maybe Gerald Ford or Sonny Bono.
}
} Too dumb to fetch a bone, Dan Quayle; fetches, then goes wild
} wagging its tail and humps your leg, Benigni; starts to fetch but
} freezes in mid stride, Bill Gates; swallows the bone, Monica.
}
} Well, you get the idea. Once you get the hang of it, you'll be able
} to spot most of them quite easily. Just one thing, though, if the
} dog acts more like a dog than any dog you ever saw, ask it to prove
} it isn't Dustin Hoffman.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wurst.


1090-07    (1snf2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU Thu Apr 22 16:07:27 1999

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear sir,
> pl. help me if you have the answer or related web sites.
>
> Q1) what is the relative advantages of centralised and distributed
> database. how might a distributed database designed for a local area
> network differ from the one designed for long haul network.
>
> Q2) how does client /server DBMS differ from conventional DBMS? what
> are
>
> the main advantages of client/server architecture?
>
> thanks in advance.
>
> regards,
> Chalam

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A1) Relative advantages?  Well, personally, when dealing with
} relatives, I prefer them to be far away, so I have to say distributed
} databases have the advantage here.  As for long haul networks, try the
} Trucker Channel.
}
} A2) The most important aspect of client/server architecture is to build
} in features that allow the servers to be hidden away somewhere else in
} the building, such as a dumbwaiter system or intercom.  No sense
} spoiling that nicely designed living space with inferiors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a much better grovel than "dear".  Also, if you have
} no idea what just happened here, you owe the Oracle an email to
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line.


1090-08    (bjp86 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It is a cold, windy day in the mountains of Indiana. A rain-soaked
> figure appears out of the gloom, and begins the long, tiring walk
> up the steps to the Temple of the Oracle. He appears to be clutching
> the remains of an umbrella, and has a tattered Union Jack pinned to
> his rucksack; both sure signs of an Englishman abroad.
>
> The Supplicant---for that is who he must be, nobody else would come
> this far---finally reaches the top of the steps, and, pausing a little
> while to pull up his sodden socks, surveys the indescribable scene
> before him. So this is what he had been waiting for. A change to ask
> the Oracle the question that had tormented him for so many years---and
> perhaps, even, to get an answer that would soothe his troubled mind.
>
> All at once, the Oracle appeared. ``OH, WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION,
> COWERING MORTAL?''
>
> The Supplicant stuttered, slipped on the glassy stonework, and fell
> at the Oracle's nether extremities. ``My Question... my Question...''
>
> ``HURRY UP, MERE FIGMENT OF THE UNIVERSE'S SUBCONSCIOUS. I DON'T HAVE
> ALL DAY.'' intoned the Oracle in a leaden voice.
>
> The Supplicant pulled himself up onto his knees, clasped his hands
> in what he assumed to be a suitably humble gesture, and, shivering,
> whispered:
>
> ``What should I... brrr... do about junk mail?''
>
> The Oracle fumed with indignation. ``JUNK MAIL? JUNK MAIL?...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} JUNK MAIL? You come here, pretending to be English, and expect me to
} believe that you're on some sort of mission to rid the world of Junk
} Mail.
}
} > But I am English, and I am on said mission.
}
} So, supplicant, if you're so English, describe London Bridge to me.
}
} > Of course, it has these two large elegantly decorted towers, and when
} > tall ships pass through, it opens. You know, a drawbridge.
}
} Supplicant..... Do you really think that you could fool me? Now prepare
} for ... English Hell. Fatha, Mutha, this be the bairn what called ye
} both puffs.
}
} Fatha Bacon: 'ere, 'e said wot?
}
} > No Oracle I beg you. It was a simple slip. Let me prove my English-
} > ness, and my desire to rid the world of junk mail to you.
}
} So be it supplicant. Call the compare.
}
} } Hello, Clive Anderson here. I sort of look like Clive James, but I'm
} } not so funny. Fortunately I went to Oxbridge, so I get all the good
} } gigs.  Our topic for today is Junk Mail. Recent reports have claimed
} } that the plague of junk mail has spread so far that The Queen herself
} } has received junk mail at Buckingham Palace.
}
} [Picture shown of Gordon Brown, briefcase in hand, arriving at the
}  palace.  The audience titters]
}
} } On the Red Team, we have Griff Rhys Jones. And on the Blue Team, we
} } have A Supplicant. And our first challenge is for Griff Rhys Jones.
} } You must repeat the David Rhodes chain letter scam in the style of a
} } Shakespeare monologue.
}
} Alas poor Spamford, I knew him Horatio. Foorsooth, oh woe is me,
} David Rhodes. What cruel fate comes knock on my door. For the hounds
} of creditors leave me not alone, and cold winds blow through my life.
} But O sweet lady of fate sees yet a chance to gaze upon me, by this
} parchment, this parchment upon which my future itself doth lay.
} By not more than five pieces of gold, that these cold hands send to
} the five knaves at the top of the list. Oh how my fate doth change.
} Oh how trust in the fates doth reap its reward.  Oh sweet gold that
} pours into my life without end. And now, my heart bleeds to spread lady
} fate's sweet mercy to the downtrodden of this dark earth. And so, I,
} David Rhodes, doth copy said parchment and send it afield. Perchance,
} to be your dream.
}
} } And for the Red Team, A Supplicant, your challenge is to write a spam
} } email subject line in the style of an Oscar Wilde witticism.
}
} > What on earth?
}
} } Sorry, can't give you a point there. First round to The Red Team.
}
} > But, I came to America to rid the world of junk mail, not to make
} > feeble witticisms about it.
}
} } Can't give you a point for that one either I'm afraid. And now for the
} } next game. For the Red Team, I call on Peter Jones. Peter, always a
} } welcome guest on this show. Peter, Your challenge is to recite a
} } Spam email remove list disclaimer in the style of, I'll choose a card,
} } Murry Walker.
}
} Unless I'm very much mistaken, if you reply to this email with 'REMOVE'
} in the subject line, you will never hear from me again.
}
} [Peter waits for the audience to catch on. They do, titter, and applaud]
}
} } Our next game is Vanessa Feltz charades. Graham Garden will play the
} } role of Vanessa Feltz, and for the Blue Team, A Supplicant will play
} } the part of an (emphasis) audience member.
}
} [Graham Garden is done up in absolutely dreadful drag, with cushions
}  down his dress in order to achieve the well-known Feltz figure]
}
} And next ladies and gentlemen, we'll introduce you to a poor poor man,
} who was abandoned by his mother when a newborn, and raised by a family
} of stoats, and teased continuously by other small mammals in the meadow
} for his size and appearance. A supplicant. When did you first realise
} that you were different from the other stoats?
}
} > But, I wasn't raised by a family of stoats.
}
} BURRRRR!!!
}
} } I think we'll give that one to the Red Team by default. And now for
} } the Red Team, I call on Derek Nimmo. Derek, you must talk for one
} } minute on the subject of Spam Email. You know the rules, no repeti-
} } tion, and no hesitation. The Blue Team, represented by A Supplicant
} } may at any time challenge for initiative should the current speaker
} } hesitate, repeat himself, or wander from the topic.
}
} Spam    email    is    something    that    I    truly    love.
} Reading    spam    in    the   morning.    Looking    at    it     over
} lunch.     There     is    nothing    that    I     prefer     than
} a      quick    glance      at     a     chain    letter     an
} advertisement    for
}
} > BUZZ!!!
}
} } Challenge by the blue team. What's your challenge.
}
} > This is ridiculous. It's bad enough to not be able to carry out my
} > mission to rid the world of spam, but this is too much for me to
} > stand.
}
} } I'm sorry but you can only challenge for repetition, wandering from
} } the topic, or hesitation. Derek Nimmo, you have thirty seconds left.
}
} pornography, of course I don't look at it
}
} > BUZZ!!!
}
} } Challenge by A Supplicant. What's the basis of your challenge.
}
} > Repetition of 'look'.
}
} } Well challenged Supplicant. You have twenty-three seconds starting
} } from now.
}
} > I didn't want to play your futile, childish, game. I only wanted to
} > rid the world of spam email, make us all free, and safe to return
} > to our mailboxes. The world needs a champion to stamp out this plague
} > upon all our houses, and personal computers. We must give up this
} > futile arguing and at once.
}
} BUZZ!!!
}
} } Challenge by Derek Nimmo. What's the challenge?
}
} Repetition of 'futile'.
}
} } That's correct. A correct challenge, and you, Derek Nimmo, have five
} } seconds from now.
}
} I    personally    met    David    Rhodes    and    he
}
} } DING!
} }
} } And there we have it. A clear victory for the Derek Nimmo and the Red
} } Team. The Supplicant  is revealed as not being English at all, but an
} } imposter. And what is even worse, 'foreign'.
}
} > But I am, I am, I AM A POM!!! ..... ooops!
}
} The Oracle's finger starts idly polishing the ZOT button.
}
} This Oracularity, such as it is, is dedicated to the memory of
} Derek Nimmo.  May he rest in peace.


1090-09    (bhbge dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who knows the name, performer, album title, and record
> label of every single song now playing on the radio, tell me this:
>
> What do you think of that new song, "Everybody's Free (to wear
> sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann? In case it doesn't come to you (not that
> it wouldn't, O Supreme Supremeness!), it's that one where some guy is
> talking over a musical background.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Priests and Supplicants with no class in '99:
}
} Wear a raincoat.
}
} If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a raincoat
} would be it. The short-term benefits of wearing a raincoat are
} only common sense, because when the crap starts flying, you want
} to be prepared.
}
} Enjoy the eloquence and humour of the Digests. Oh, never mind.
} You will not understand the eloquence and humour of the Digests,
} on the rare occasions that they contain any. But trust me, in
} 20 years, you'll look back at the 'Best of the Oracularities'
} and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much utter tripe lay
} in those Digests, especially post-Digest 1000. You are not as
} funny as you imagine.
}
} Don't worry about your supplications being spat on by the Queue
} Drainer. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as
} trying to make Rhodites talk about the Oracle. The real Troubles
} with Tribbles are apt to happen when they start multiplying at
} an alarming rate, clog up the ventilation system, and then
} suffocate you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
}
} Stop doing one thing every day that scares me.
}
} Sing. But keep it to yourself, the neighbours don't want to hear
} you when you're in the shower.
}
} Don't be reckless with other people's supplications. Don't put
} up with incarnations who are reckless with yours.
}
} Don't floss, at least not your butt. No seriously, avoid thongs.
} Those things can get stuck up in there.
}
} Don't waste your time watching television, when there are other
} things that are much more fun.  Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
} you're behind, but with the right partner(s) any position can be
} lots of fun. The race is long and hopefully so are you, or your
} partner, unless you're lesbians in which case forget I said
} anything.  And as far as that race goes, finishing first
} consistently is not necessarily a good thing.
}
} Remember the great responses you receive. Forget the crappy
} incarnations. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how you
} rotten lucky bastard.
}
} Keep your old love letters, you may need the references. Throw
} away your old bank statements, lest 'they' find the evidence.
}
} Stretch. But not too far, you might pull a hamstring.
}
} Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with
} a supplication. The most interesting answers I've received were
} from people who didn't know what they wanted to do with their
} questions. Some of the incarnations of recently Digested
} Oracularities still don't.
}
} Get plenty of calcium. I hear Yoo-Hoo is good for that.
}
} Be kind to your keyboards. You'll miss them when someone makes
} you spit coffee or beer or salsa all over them.
}
} Maybe you'll be Digested, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll make the
} 'Best of', maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be told not to
} participate in The Internet Oracle any more, maybe you'll be
} asked to be a priest. Whatever you do, congratulate yourself a
} lot, because nobody else will. Your prospects of being Digested
} are half-chance. So are everybody else's.
}
} Enjoy your body. Find others who will use it every way they can.
} Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it, unless
} you're a certain multi-pierced erstwhile Rhodite in which case
} it's already way too late.
}
} Enjoy your body, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living
} room. But not when company is over. Unless they're into that sort
} of thing.
}
} Follow the directions, but don't read them.
}
} Do not read beauty magazines. Just look at the pictures, and
} try to imagine the models naked and frolicking.
}
} Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to
} identify them in a police lineup.
}
} Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past
} and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
} Unless they're more likely to want to borrow money from you than
} you are from them, in which case move without telling anyone and
} assume a new name.
}
} Understand that incarnations come and go, but only a precious few
} will put in any effort whatsoever. Work hard and resubmit your good
} supplications until somebody does them justice, because the more
} crappy answers you get, the sweeter it will be when someone
} actually tries.
}
} Live in a meat freezer once, but leave before it makes you hard.
} Live in a cookie factory once, but leave before it makes you soft.
}
} Travel. Faster-than-light speed is pretty neat-o.
}
} Accept certain inalienable truths: Half of the Digested
} Oracularities will suck. Most of your favourite sports teams will
} suck.  U2 sucks.  But when you get old, you'll fantasize that when
} you were young, the Digests were laugh riots, you were there in
} person to see your sporting heroes win the championship every year,
} and U2 sounded good and had talent.
}
} U2 never had talent.
}
} Don't expect anyone else to support you. They're much more likely
} to blame you, and you can't afford that since you probably won't
} have a trust fund or a wealthy spouse.
}
} Don't mess too much with your hair while you're driving.
}
} Be careful whose crack you buy, but be prompt in paying those who
} supply it. Crack is a form of cocaine. Dispensing it is a way of
} fishing the plastic-wrapped package from the toilet tank, wiping it
} off, slicing it open with a pocket-knife so the buyer can sample it
} for 'purity' and selling it for more than it's worth.
}
} But trust me on the raincoat.


1090-10    (45jre dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, how about you and him fight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Luke: [whining] But Master Yoda, I don't want to fight him!  And I told
} you before, it's "Luke," not "Look."
}
} Yoda: Mmmm, yes, your name with puke be rhyming then?
}
} Luke: Uh...sure.  You know what?  Whatever gets you to pronounce it
} right.
}
} Yoda: Yes, yes, tee hee.  Puke, why not fight, you and Vader, then?
}
} Luke: It's _Luke!_  Not Puke!
}
} Yoda: Ah, you say your name Puke is!
}
} Luke: No, it _rhymes_ with puke!
}
} Yoda: Ohhhhh.  Mmmmm.
}
} Luke: And I don't want to fight my father.
}
} Yoda: Your choice it is not.  Fight him you will.
}
} Luke: How do you know these things?
}
} Yoda: Read the script I have.
}
} Luke: Script?
}
} Yoda: Mmmm, yes, an advance copy I have of the next movie too.  The big
} worm fellow you should beware of.
}
} Luke: What are you talking about?
}
} Yoda: A big worm hold captive your friends, he will.  But worry not,
} Leia's outfit verrrrry sexy will be.
}
} Luke: Huh?  When?  I want to see her in a sexy outfit!
}
} Yoda: Ah, but her brother you be.  No nookie will you be getting.
}
} Luke: What?  Look, you little green Muppet blob, I'm getting sick of
} this. Start making sense or I'll punt you into the bog.
}
} Yoda: Your anger you must control!  Your anger you must control!  To
} the dark side will it lead you!  And if too soon to the dark side you
} go, no sequel will there be!
}
} Luke: Sequel?  Okay, that's it...I've had enough of your weirdness.
}
} [Luke punts Yoda, who goes flying into the bog chased quickly by a
} frantic Frank Oz.]
}
} You owe the Oracle the dialogue of an intellectual debate between an
} Ewok and Chewbacca.


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