} JUNK MAIL? You come here, pretending to be English, and expect me to
} believe that you're on some sort of mission to rid the world of Junk
} > But I am English, and I am on said mission.
} So, supplicant, if you're so English, describe London Bridge to me.
} > Of course, it has these two large elegantly decorted towers, and when
} > tall ships pass through, it opens. You know, a drawbridge.
} Supplicant..... Do you really think that you could fool me? Now prepare
} for ... English Hell. Fatha, Mutha, this be the bairn what called ye
} both puffs.
} Fatha Bacon: 'ere, 'e said wot?
} > No Oracle I beg you. It was a simple slip. Let me prove my English-
} > ness, and my desire to rid the world of junk mail to you.
} So be it supplicant. Call the compare.
} } Hello, Clive Anderson here. I sort of look like Clive James, but I'm
} } not so funny. Fortunately I went to Oxbridge, so I get all the good
} } gigs. Our topic for today is Junk Mail. Recent reports have claimed
} } that the plague of junk mail has spread so far that The Queen herself
} } has received junk mail at Buckingham Palace.
} [Picture shown of Gordon Brown, briefcase in hand, arriving at the
} palace. The audience titters]
} } On the Red Team, we have Griff Rhys Jones. And on the Blue Team, we
} } have A Supplicant. And our first challenge is for Griff Rhys Jones.
} } You must repeat the David Rhodes chain letter scam in the style of a
} } Shakespeare monologue.
} Alas poor Spamford, I knew him Horatio. Foorsooth, oh woe is me,
} David Rhodes. What cruel fate comes knock on my door. For the hounds
} of creditors leave me not alone, and cold winds blow through my life.
} But O sweet lady of fate sees yet a chance to gaze upon me, by this
} parchment, this parchment upon which my future itself doth lay.
} By not more than five pieces of gold, that these cold hands send to
} the five knaves at the top of the list. Oh how my fate doth change.
} Oh how trust in the fates doth reap its reward. Oh sweet gold that
} pours into my life without end. And now, my heart bleeds to spread lady
} fate's sweet mercy to the downtrodden of this dark earth. And so, I,
} David Rhodes, doth copy said parchment and send it afield. Perchance,
} to be your dream.
} } And for the Red Team, A Supplicant, your challenge is to write a spam
} } email subject line in the style of an Oscar Wilde witticism.
} > What on earth?
} } Sorry, can't give you a point there. First round to The Red Team.
} > But, I came to America to rid the world of junk mail, not to make
} > feeble witticisms about it.
} } Can't give you a point for that one either I'm afraid. And now for the
} } next game. For the Red Team, I call on Peter Jones. Peter, always a
} } welcome guest on this show. Peter, Your challenge is to recite a
} } Spam email remove list disclaimer in the style of, I'll choose a card,
} } Murry Walker.
} Unless I'm very much mistaken, if you reply to this email with 'REMOVE'
} in the subject line, you will never hear from me again.
} [Peter waits for the audience to catch on. They do, titter, and applaud]
} } Our next game is Vanessa Feltz charades. Graham Garden will play the
} } role of Vanessa Feltz, and for the Blue Team, A Supplicant will play
} } the part of an (emphasis) audience member.
} [Graham Garden is done up in absolutely dreadful drag, with cushions
} down his dress in order to achieve the well-known Feltz figure]
} And next ladies and gentlemen, we'll introduce you to a poor poor man,
} who was abandoned by his mother when a newborn, and raised by a family
} of stoats, and teased continuously by other small mammals in the meadow
} for his size and appearance. A supplicant. When did you first realise
} that you were different from the other stoats?
} > But, I wasn't raised by a family of stoats.
} } I think we'll give that one to the Red Team by default. And now for
} } the Red Team, I call on Derek Nimmo. Derek, you must talk for one
} } minute on the subject of Spam Email. You know the rules, no repeti-
} } tion, and no hesitation. The Blue Team, represented by A Supplicant
} } may at any time challenge for initiative should the current speaker
} } hesitate, repeat himself, or wander from the topic.
} Spam email is something that I truly love.
} Reading spam in the morning. Looking at it over
} lunch. There is nothing that I prefer than
} a quick glance at a chain letter an
} advertisement for
} > BUZZ!!!
} } Challenge by the blue team. What's your challenge.
} > This is ridiculous. It's bad enough to not be able to carry out my
} > mission to rid the world of spam, but this is too much for me to
} > stand.
} } I'm sorry but you can only challenge for repetition, wandering from
} } the topic, or hesitation. Derek Nimmo, you have thirty seconds left.
} pornography, of course I don't look at it
} > BUZZ!!!
} } Challenge by A Supplicant. What's the basis of your challenge.
} > Repetition of 'look'.
} } Well challenged Supplicant. You have twenty-three seconds starting
} } from now.
} > I didn't want to play your futile, childish, game. I only wanted to
} > rid the world of spam email, make us all free, and safe to return
} > to our mailboxes. The world needs a champion to stamp out this plague
} > upon all our houses, and personal computers. We must give up this
} > futile arguing and at once.
} } Challenge by Derek Nimmo. What's the challenge?
} Repetition of 'futile'.
} } That's correct. A correct challenge, and you, Derek Nimmo, have five
} } seconds from now.
} I personally met David Rhodes and he
} } DING!
} } And there we have it. A clear victory for the Derek Nimmo and the Red
} } Team. The Supplicant is revealed as not being English at all, but an
} } imposter. And what is even worse, 'foreign'.
} > But I am, I am, I AM A POM!!! ..... ooops!
} The Oracle's finger starts idly polishing the ZOT button.
} This Oracularity, such as it is, is dedicated to the memory of
} Derek Nimmo. May he rest in peace.