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Internet Oracularities #1091

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Internet Oracularities #1091    (73 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 06:44:07 -0500 (EST)

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1091  73 votes 4dsia agrd7 4aqlc kkff3 7avi7 8wkd0 6dsh9 8eimb 3fyg5 26hrl
1091  3.1 mean  3.2   2.9   3.4   2.5   3.1   2.5   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.8


1091-01    (4dsia dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I mortify myself before you; I abase myself before your feet; I
> crush my left big toe between two large bricks in honor of your wisdom;
> I punch myself in the nose in recognition of your... well, you get the
> idea.
>
> Please, O Mighty Oracle, please tell me: What job will I manage to get?
> Also, will my dream last night of three naked undergraduates walking
> across the campus of Wake Forest University and showing up at my
> apartment for an evening of uninhibited sexual relations really going
> to happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, miserable supplicant... are you in for a surprise!
}
} For starters, from your grovel it is obvious that you are leaning
} toward a job either as a crash-test dummy, or a sparring partner for
} Mike Tyson.
}
} Oh, and the dream...  Well, for that to happen at good ol' Babdist U.,
} it would have to be a dream...  look at the facts:  naked, at night, in
} Winston-Salem = cold.  I notice you didn't specify gender... WFU is
} pretty balanced, so one male, one female, one to-be-named-later. Yes,
} now it's clear how that will happen...
} ---
}
} Supplicant sits at computer, types supplication, smashes toe, punches
} self in face, can't stand the pain and passes out.  Comes to 10
} minutes later and drives self to the emergency room.  The wait at WFU
} medical center is up to 4 hours now, it's Friday, with a full moon,
} you can imagine the rest.
}
} Meanwhile, trio of naked undergraduates crosses campus, knocks
} on supplicant's apartment door -- no answer.  They enter apartment
} anyway, have evening of uninhibited sexual relations, trash apartment,
} then leave.  It's cold, so they run.  Campus cops trailed the trio
} from supplicant's apartment, then called for backup when they started
} to run away.  Winston-Salem police and Forsyth county sheriff's
} deputies arrive in time to trail the trio to a (presumed) stolen car
} [really, they just wanted the heater], to a Handy Pantry robbery
} [honest, they just wanted some coffee, but they left their wallets
} with their clothes], then a high speed chase into Davidson County.
} The nation's most infamous sheriff sets up a roadblock and the trio
} obliterate themselves in a fiery crash.
}
} Meanwhile, the supplicant, with bandaged foot and nose, is discharged.
} Unable to drive, he/she takes a taxi. $75 for a 7-mile drive, but
} it's Friday, and a full moon!  Arrives home to find broken door,
} trashed apartment, reek of pheromones... and police detectives.
} Supplicant is arrested for whatever the police figure will stick.
} Picture on the front page of the Winston-Salem Journal, lead story
} on the 11:00 news, [even before the Super Doppler Weather Forecast!]
} and the condemnation of the Mayor and City Council ["This moral
} outrage is just as bad as a Marilyn Manson concert"].
}
} Supplicant drops out of school, takes a job at the Handy Pantry 4PM
} to midnight, selling beer to former classmates and "moonlighting"
} as a lab test animal at the medical school by day.
} ---
}
} So, supplicant, if I may make a suggestion, drop the bricks (no, not on
} your foot!).  Stay at home and barricade the door.  Just curl up with
} a good book and ignore anyone at the door.  Pretty soon you'll have
} a spouse, 2.1 kids, 1.3 pets, and 6-figure salary.  True, you won't
} have the night of uninhibited sex, but a lifetime of the inhibited
} sort is preferable to the Handy Pantry.  Good luck.
}
} Oh, and you owe the Oracle [incarnated as rhampson@wfubmc.edu] to
} watch the 11:00 news.


1091-02    (agrd7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is pro wrestling like a chess match?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody with a real life watches either of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rimshot.


1091-03    (4aqlc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, dear Oracle...
>
> In my life, I've been shot at and missed, shot at and hit, stabbed,
> burned, half-drowned and nearly snake-bit (once by a cottonmouth and
> another time by a diamond-back rattlesnake).
>
> I've seen a great grey owl and watched an ermine chase a mouse over the
> frozen snow. Once, at 2:00 in the morning, I danced under the northern
> lights in Churchill, Manitoba.
>
> I've been lied to, lied about and lied for. I've had good friends, bad
> friends and best friends. I've been a son, a brother, a husband and a
> father. I've been an archaeologist, a marine, a librarian and a
> businessman. I've been rich, I've been poor and I've been
> flat-on-my-butt broke.
>
> My great-grandfather fought in the Great War, my grandfather fought the
> Klan, my father fought the communists and, once, I fought a black bear
> (I lost).
>
> I've been in cathedrals, museums, some of the greatest libraries in the
> world and, one time, I was even in a topless bar in the French Quarter
> of New Orleans.
>
> I've eaten sushi in Tokyo, potato soup in West German inns and steak on
> the U.S.S. United States. I've been in storms in the Bering Sea and saw
> the most magnificent thunderstorm in my life in the Badlands of South
> Dakota.
>
> I've seen cat fights, dog fights, squirrel fights and even an alligator
> fight. I was even in a bar fight in a seedy lumberjack bar in southern
> Oregon (it wasn't that much fun).
>
> I've read books, written books, borrowed books, bought books, sold
> books and lost books.
>
> A lot of people think that life is a straight line from point "A" to
> point "B". Personally, I don't see it that way. I've zigged and zagged
> all my life. I probably always will.
>
> As strange as it sounds, with all the very strange things that have
> happened to me, and despite all odds, I can't wait to see what God has
> planned for me tomorrow morning.
>
> So, please, don't worry about me. It'll be fine.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, dear Supplicant...
}
} In my life, I've been shot on film, shot on video, stabbed with a
} pencil, burned by the sun, held my breath for two minutes underwater,
} and bit by a disagreeable hamster.
}
} I've seen someone dressed in a Woodsy Owl suit and watched police cars
} chase a Ford Bronco over the L.A. freeways.  Once, at 2:00 in the
} morning, I danced under the incandescent lights in my college dorm's
} lounge.
}
} I've lain in bed a lot.  I watch "Friends" every Thursday night.  I've
} been an incarnation of the Oracle.  I get a lot of preapproved credit
} card applications.
}
} Once, I fought the urge to eat an entire 8-ounce block of extra sharp
} cheddar cheese (I lost).
}
} I've been in airports, train stations, some of the most depressing bus
} depots in the Midwest and, once, I was even in the same men's room as
} Jerry Springer.
}
} I've eaten McDonald's in London, I've eaten McDonald's in Stockholm and
} McDonald's on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.  I've been in storms in
} science museums where you can get in a room and pretend to be in a
} storm.
}
} I've seen HBO and Showtime rebroadcasts of heavyweight fights (they
} weren't that much fun).
}
} As far as I know, the computer system at the Tampa, Florida, public
} library thinks I've had a book out since 1988.
}
} A lot of people think that life is a straight line from point "A" to
} point "B".  Personally, I don't see it that way.  I've passed points
} "B" and "C" already and am nearing "D".
}
} As strange as it sounds, with all the dullness and boredom that has
} happened to me, I'm planning on getting up tomorrow morning and going
} to work, then going out with a couple of friends to see a band play.
}
} So, please, don't worry about me either.  I may not have seen and done
} anywhere near as much as you, but it'll be fine.


1091-04    (kkff3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many people will show a romantic interest in me before graduation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before graduation? Wasn't Monica young enough?


1091-05    (7avi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, in comparison with whom, all the bright colours of
> the rainbow are as the grey monotone of a December day, pray tell me,
> worthless as I am, nay, as worthless as the fluff in a worm's armpit,
> pray tell me, Exactly what colour is Tinky-Winky.  Blue or Purple ?
> It's beyond me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...I have to admit, I don't get down to Teletubby Land too often.
} Let's take a look, shall we?
} ---------------------------------------------------------
}
} NARRATOR: One day in Teletubby land, Tinky-Winky met a strange,
} omnipotent being.
}
} TINKY WINKY: Heh-Oh, stange ommipote't bean!
}
} PO: Oooooh!  Stange ommipote't bean!  *giggle*
}
} ORACLE: Hello, teletubbies.  I've come to observe Tinky Winky.
}
} TINKY WINKY: Observe!  Observe!
}
} OTHER TELETUBBIES: Observe! Observe!
}
} NARRATOR:  Teletubbies like to be observed.  The Teletubbies think the
} strange, omnipotent being is NICE.
}
} TINKY WINKY:  Big hug!  Big hug!
}
} OTHER TELETUBBIES: Big hug!  Big hug!
}
} ORACLE [backing away]: No, really, I don't like to be hugged.
}
} TINKY WINKY:  Oooooh!  Big, sexy, ommipote't bean need a hug!
}
} OTHER TELETUBBIES: Hug!  Hug!
}
} NARRATOR:  The Teletubbies love each other very much.  The Teletubbies
} love the strange, omnipotent being, too.  ESPECIALLY Tinky Winky.
}
} TINKY WINKY:  Big, stong ommipote't bean go undah the hill and p'ay with
} Tinky Winky?
}
} [A speaker rises from the ground.]
}
} SPEAKER: Time for Tubbie Bye-bye!  Time for Tubbie Bye-bye!
}
} TELETUBBIES: Awww.  Bye-bye stange ommipote't bean!
}
} TINKY WINKY: Bye-bye yummy hunk of man'iness!
}
} NARRATOR:  The sun is setting in the sky.  Teletubbies wave goodbye.
}
} TINKY WINKY: Bye-bye!
}
} DIPSY: Bye-bye!
}
} LAA-LAA:  Bye-bye!
}
} PO: Bye-bye!
}
} [Closing Music.  Exit Teletubby Land]
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} Based on rather close observation, I'd have to say that Tinky Winky is
} Purple on the outside, but he has a rainbow soul.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 8x10 glossy of Jerry Fallwell in leather.


1091-06    (8wkd0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who knows both the hour of the end of the world and the
> two minutes of the ending of "Citizen Kane," bequeath your infinite
> knowledge on me:
>
> 1. Why are trolls called "trolls?"
>
> 2. Why do they post all of that crap?
>
> 3. What would happen if I said "You are all glory grabbers who watch
> Star Trek and go to conventions... and meat mick spock!!!!!!!"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  > 1. Why are trolls called "trolls?"
}
} trolls are called trolls because most of them exceptionally tall and
} lanky, or short and stout, are located in Scandinavia, and usually
} live hidden away in caves with Internet access. Hence fitting the
} definition in the dictionary: a dwarf or giant in Scandinavian folklore
} inhabiting caves or hills
}
}  > 2. Why do they post all of that crap?
}
} If you were an exceptionally ugly giant or dwarf living in a Cave in
} Scandinavia what the heck would you do with your time Fabio?
}
}  > 3. What would happen if I said "You are all glory grabbers who watch
}  > Star Trek and go to conventions... and meat mick spock!!!!!!!"?
}
} You of course realize these Trolls are millionaries, because they
} hack for several hours a day.  They will immediately revoke all of
} your credit cards, your parents credit cards, your siblings credit
} cards, have the ATF, FBI, and IRS simultaneously raid your house,
} steal your girlfriend, make your breath smell, blow up your computer,
} frame you for trading child pornography, and generally make your life
} suck forever.
}
} Other than that they are extremely plesant to deal with...
}
} You owe the oracle a set of breath mints, which we will gladly return
} to you if you'd only use them.


1091-07    (6dsh9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the most interesting life,
>
> Ok, I get that you can't tell if the cat is dead or not, but how do you
> know if it's even in the box in the first place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle] Zadoc!
}
} [Zadoc] Yes, your immense spiffiness?
}
} [Oracle] (looks at Zadoc) Hmmph. Good one.
}
} [Zadoc] Thank you, Captain Fantastic.
}
} [Oracle] (puzzled) "Captain Fantastic?"
}
} [Zadoc] (cringing) Not so good?
}
} [Oracle] Remind me to *Zot* you later. Get Heisenberg on the horn.
}
} [Zadoc] (dialing) Right away, oh scrumptiously delicious one!
}
} [Oracle] *glare*
}
} [Zadoc] Here he is sir.
}
} [Oracle] (taking phone) Werner! How are you, big guy?
}
} [Heisenberg] Orrie?
}
} [Oracle] The One and Only! Say, Werner, could you explain that cat in
} the box deal again to this supplicant?
}
}    > Ok, I get that you can't tell if the cat is dead or not, but how
}    > do you know if it's even in the box in the first place?
}
} [Heisenberg] Ah, jeez. . .  Look, Orrie, do you have any idea how many
} times I've explained this? It's getting boring already! I have other
} interests, you know.
}
} [Oracle] Uh. . .  like what?
}
} [Heisenberg] Like anything not having to do with quantum mechanics!
} Cripes! I rollerblade! Did you know that?
}
} [Oracle] Um, no. Sorry.
}
} [Heisenberg] Yup! I also watch "Ally McBeal!" I love making pizza! When
} was the last time you invited me over to play cards?
}
} [Oracle] (defensively) Just last week!
}
} [Heisenberg] What I *meant* to say was, "When was the last time you
} invited me over to play cards without asking me in the middle of
} the first hand to explain my uncertainty principle to a roomful of
} drooling idiots?"  Don't call me anymore Orrie! Goodbye! *CLICK!*
}
} [Oracle] Dang! Nobel Prize-winning mathematicians sure are a cranky
} lot!  Well, supplicant, if it were me, I'd shake the box.
}
} You owe the Oracle a portrait of Calista Flockheart wrapped in a fog
} of probabilities.


1091-08    (8eimb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kingly in nature is the Oracle,
>
> How can I tell if I am a pawn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Move two steps forward, NOW!
}
} Nuff said.


1091-09    (3fyg5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Sir/Madam,
>
> I have long had an intense interest in ham radio.  One of my friends, a
> Jewish man by extraction, has also recently expressed an interest.
> However, out of respect for his beliefs, before I introduce him to the
> deeper mysteries and delights of the longer electromagnetic wavelengths
> I must ask you: is ham radio kosher?
>
> Yours etc,
> Deeply Concerned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your friend is Jewish by extraction? I would have thought that the
} doctor would have extracted him by clasping the forceps onto something
} less likely to tear off.
}
} But I digress...
}
} Ham Radio is of course kosher. You can prove this by observing the
} average age and marital status of Ham Radio nuts. Nearly all of them
} have been passed over.
}
} You owe The Oracle some pareve ice-cream substitute that doesn't taste
} like iced water.


1091-10    (26hrl dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows what will be,
>
> What will happen in the nineteenth century?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I really got to do something about speeding up the queue.


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