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Internet Oracularities #1092

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Internet Oracularities #1092    (80 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 08:40:46 -0500 (EST)

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   1092
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1092  80 votes 29oza 4kGc2 8aeaC 27qtg qmgc4 2dHh5 dmqf4 7jCa6 bpnh4 4mlq7
1092  3.1 mean  3.5   2.9   3.8   3.6   2.3   3.1   2.7   2.9   2.7   3.1


1092-01    (29oza dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wise and really nifty Oracle, please tell me,
>
> What would happen if UML and QVC were combined? What if Budapest and
> Salt Lake City were transposed? What would happen if American baseball
> and Japanese hockey were intertwined? What if smoked salmon and haggis
> were configured?
>
> Basically, what if?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sit child, and I shall give you a parable.
}
} There once was a child, let's call him the Supplicant, who went to see
} a great wise man, let's call him the Oracle.  The supplicant spoke to
} the Oracle, "Oh most wise and really nifty Oracle, please tell me, what
} if?"
}
} The Oracle did reply, "What if, what?"
}
} The Supplicant did retort with, "No, just 'What if?'"
}
} The Oracle did grow thoughtful, scratched his long beard, and said unto
} the Supplicant, "That is a very difficult question.  You must live and
} work for me for ten years, before I can answer it."
}
} The Supplicant was determined to get an answer, so he did agree to the
} terms set out by the Oracle.
}
} The Supplicant did labor for the Oracle for ten years.  He cleaned out
} the stables; he mended the knees of the priests' pants, for they did
} wear out quite quickly; he did polish the grand staircase with an old
} toothbrush; and he did kill a hydra (no, not the mythical monster, but
} rather the microscopic animal which lives in ponds.)
}
} One the last day of his servitude, he did come to the Oracle and said,
} "Oh wise and nifty Oracle, I have labored for you for ten years, in
} return you did promise me an answer to my question, 'What if?'  What is
} the answer?"
}
} The Oracle did respond, "Oh, yes, I suppose I did.  Well, you answer
} is... er... Everything would be different."
}
} The Supplicant did grow angry and cried, "You bastard, you don't really
} have an answer, do you?  You just wanted free labor!"
}
} The Oracle did, at that moment, snap his fingers, and the High Priest
} of the Oracle, let's call him Zadoc, did sneak up behind the Supplicant
} and hit him on the head with an iron bar.  The Supplicant then fell
} down and was dragged away, never to be seen again.
}
} Thus endeth the parable.  What have you learned, child?
}
} > That you don't really know the answer, and if I continue to pester
} > you, you will have Zadoc hit me with a piece of rebar, causing severe
} > brain damage, which would automatically qualify me for priesthood?
}
} Very good, child.
}
} > May I go home now?  I'm scared.
}
} Good bye, my child.  You do not owe me anything, today.


1092-02    (4kGc2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh infinitely awesome Oracle...
> What will people say about me after I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your mother: "Well, dammit! I should have abused him more as a child!"
}
} Your boss: "Thank God! There's another idiot I don't have to fire!"
}
} Your priest: "Do we *really* have to have 'his kind' in the
} columbarium?"
}
} The chief of police: "He shot himself *how* many times? How is that
} even *possible*?"
}
} The 6:00 news: "This just in... aw, never mind... you'd never believe
} it even if I told you..."
}
} The bartender the bar down on the corner: "So this guy walks in front
} of a truck and he says to this chipmunk..."
}
} Your wife in three days: "Oh, sure, I *used* to be married..."
}
} You owe the Oralce another life.


1092-03    (8aeaC dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are schools all over the country now threating any student that
> doesn't act "mainstream" with expulsion, suspension, if they don't stop
> expressing their opinions, dressing the way they want to, etc. just
> because of what happened in Colorado?  Is suppression of freedom of
> expression and freedom of speech and freedom of thought really the
> solution?
>
> -Justin

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lousy grovel, Supplicant Justin, but an excellent question.
}
} Well, it's *a* solution, but it's certainly not *the* solution.
} It has such appeal because it's a simple answer to a complex problem,
} and that seems to be our stock-in-trade as a culture. We never like
} to think deeply about anything when we can come up with some idiot,
} half-baked sound-byte scheme that will sound good in the mouths of
} politicians and others having responsibility for dealing with complex
} problems, but who are too lazy and stupid to do so effectively, and
} it's convincing to people who have never had to reflect seriously
} upon anything more weighty than what to watch on TV tonight (which
} means probably 90% of us).
}
} This scheme doesn't even make sense if you think about it: If you
} force them to shut up and dress and act like everybody else, you will
} a) cheese them off even more, thereby making those who are already
} inclined towards violence even more so, and b) make them harder to
} identify, and therefore to keep track of. It's not the wrongos who
} are immediately identifiable as wrongos that you have to worry about:
} it's the ones who don't appear to differ in any significant way from
} everyone else that are going to do the really nasty stuff, because
} no one is keeping tabs on them.
}
} Unfortunately, what happened in Colorado will continue to happen
} at periodic intervals until it gets old, just as shooting up post
} offices did, and shooting up fast-food joints did before that.
} And when shooting up high schools gets old, the whackos among us will
} simply come up with some new form of mass slaughter that will keep
} the news media intrigued (which is really what this is all about:
} people will keep on doing this as long as the news media continues to
} give it such heavy coverage, and they'll continue to cover it heavily
} as long as we keep watching it).
}
} There's probably only one real solution to this problem: we have
} to do a really hard re-evaluation and re-think of our culture.
} We worship violence, we glorify it, we recommend it as the solution
} to all problems. We are also, as individuals and as a society,
} incredibly self-centered, each of us regarding ourselves as the only
} being on the face of the planet that has any rights, and everyone
} else can simply go **** themselves. Until we chuck all that infantile
} Wild West crap and start growing up and acting like a nation of adults
} instead of one of spoiled self-absorbed brats (and this applies *all*
} across the board, not just to adolescents: there are things going on
} routinely in corporate board rooms and legislative bodies all across
} America that are in their own way just as bad as, or even worse than,
} what happened in Colorado), then we will continue to get sociopathic
} vermin who decide that being dissed is sufficient reason for blowing
} large numbers of human beings into the Next World, and that is what
} we will deserve.
}
} I apologize for not being funny, but yours struck me as a serious
} question that deserved a serious answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that your generation will at least try
} to deal with our problems in a more mature and constructive way than
} did mine, or my parents', for that manner.


1092-04    (27qtg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beautiful!
}
}
}
} Lovely!
}
}
}
} So peaceful...
}
}
}
} No w**dch*cks, No Og speak, No infuriating false humility.
}
}
}
} Mmmm  ...  Aaaaahhhhh!
}
}
}
} What?  Zadoc? What are you up to now?
}
} Zadoc:
}
} Come on you worm, don't just move your lips like that! Say something.
}
} Zadoc:
}
} Look if you _want_ to get ZOTted just say so!
}
} [Zadoc disappears briefly and re-appears with a large sheet of card and
} a marker pen]
} +--------------------------------------+
} |                                      |
} |      TAKE OUT YOUR EARPLUGS!         |
} |                                      |
} +--------------------------------------+
}
} My.. Oh!  ... Ooops.
}
} Zadoc:  Ok everybody, back to normal, it's all sorted out now, send in
} the supplicants.


1092-05    (qmgc4 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wait just a minute here! FIRST I keep getting these messages begging me
> to send "askme"'s instead of "tellme"'s! And NOW I'm getting those
> really annoying "Oh, the-Oracle-is-pondering-your-question-so-just-sit-
> and-rotate-for-a-few-days" replies!
>
> And just who the hell is handling this operation!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You.
}
} You owe the Oracle a re-read of the FAQ [1] and more time spent
} working on the queue.
}
} [1] http://www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/oracle/help


1092-06    (2dHh5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise one, whose very ingrown toenails are more artistic than any
> sculptures by Rodin, pray tell me.
>
> Orrie, if there was a newsgroup, not rec.HUMOR.oracle, but
> rec.SERIOUS.oracle, what would it be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answers to questions like "Why is the sky blue?" would involve the
} scattering of light by the atmosphere and not "so you know when to stop
} mowing." Questions like "Will I marry so-and-so?" would warrant a "yes,
} provided you charm her/cook him a really good dinner" and not some
} weird skit that contains lines like "will you, so, take so to be you
} lawfully wedded husband..." The question "Why do we drive on parkways
} and park on driveways?" would be met with a similarly serious response
} ("parkways" used to go through wooded areas called parks, while
} "driveways" were generally longer, linking farmhouse to the main road)
} and not some snide remark suggesting the supplicant lie down on a
} parkway and report back.
}
} And Lisa would be portrayed as being more bookish and homely. Big,
} thick glasses. Trust me, things are better the way they are.
}
} You owe the Oracle no hypotheticals involving marmots.


1092-07    (dmqf4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A supplicant crashes into the Oracular temple, dressed in robes,
> brandishing a high-beam flashlight like a sword.
>
> Supplicant: [singing Star Wars theme loudly] ba ba bababa BAAA BA!
> bababa BAAA BA! dum dum dum dadum! [swinging his "lightsaber" around
> wildly, imitating voices from the film] Luke, I am your father!
> Noooooo!  Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?  ba
> ba bababa BAA BA! [imitating lightsaber noises] voooom vooom!  VOOOOOM!
> Ha ha!  Do or do not, there is no try!  Join me and together we will
> rule the universe as father and son!  Lord Vader, only you could be so
> bold.  If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you
> could possibly imagine!  vooooom!  voom! bababa BAA BA!  I am altering
> the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further! dum dum dadummmmmmm!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look kid, for the last time, GET IN THE BACK OF THE FREAKING LINE! NO
} CUTS!
}
} You owe the Oracle an asle seat five rows back and some way to get rid
} of this damn Lycos sig.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------
} Get free personalized email at http://email.lycos.com


1092-08    (7jCa6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> What is your stance on religion/abortion/gun control?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bent over laughing/shoulders shrugged/feet apart, both hands.
}
} You owe the Oracle Social Security/Kosovo/golf lessons.


1092-09    (bpnh4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, who has all the major deities on his speed-dial,
> please impart a little wisdom to the foolish supplicant:
>
> If I pray hard enough, will I get man~ana from heaven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Old, dusty vaudeville stage. Curtain opens to the Oracle in
}   a straw hat in front of backdrop hastily painted to look like a
}   storefront. The Oracle sings: ]
}
}  Yes! You'll get no manana,
}  you'll get no manana if you pray.
}  You'll get string thongs, and unions,
}  New Age Sewage & Stonehedge,
}  And all kind of fruits, and I'll say,
}  You'll get an old fashioned Long Island mafioso that way,
}  but yes! You'll get no manana,
}  You'll get no manana if you praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!
}
} [ In the back row Lisa claps wildly and whistles approvingly.
}   Her applause echoing dull and heavy in the empty hall. ]
}
} You owe the Oracle some soft-shoe.


1092-10    (4mlq7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, look, I'm sorry to bother you, but I've seem to have gotten myself
> into a jam...
>
> Somehow, well I'm not sure, I've found myself holding the leaders of
> the P.L.O. and the I.R.A. hostage. Oh, also the Russian mafia. I can't
> quite remember how this happened (I've been drinking a lot lately),
> but, well, here I am with an Uzi and an 40mm grenade-launcher (a
> "blooper", I think it's called). Most of the Czech Army and, for some
> reason, the entire North Korean Air Force Security Service, are outside
> the hotel and they have begun to set up sniper nests across the street,
> on top of the Staatsbibliotek.
>
> Well, here's my question: Should caviar be eaten with chopped boiled
> egg *and* sliced onion, or just egg?
>
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When entertaining leaders of international terrorist groups, one
} should always remember the cultural niceties. In America, of course,
} caviar goes equally well with chopped egg and onion, as it does
} with egg alone. However, serving it either way to the the Russian
} mafia would be seen as a *terrible* insult, while omitting either
} when offering caviar to Mr. Arafat, would be cause for a fatwah.
} Instead, the best way to balance the differing expectations would be
} to freeze the caviar into a decorative ice block around a bottle of
} vodka, and arrange the egg and onion into handgun shaped centerpieces
} for each table. This time of year, cabbage and potato soup would
} go well as a first course, with cold poached salmon for an entree.
} Homemade beignets sprinkled with wild honey would make a wonderful
} treat for the guests in the sniper nests, while rasberry mint iced
} tea is always appreciated by infantry.
}
} You owe Marth^H^H^H^H^Hthe Oracle a technique to engrave invitations
} with that 40mm grenade launcher


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