} Dragons of Spring Rising in The War Of The Twins Over Kyrnn, Part 32.
} The scene: an army camp outside a majestic Greek temple. The sentries
} stand their guard as silent and unmoving as... as... well, as corpses.
} Which is what they are, of course.
} Creeping through the night we find yet another generic stalwart band
} of heroes, consisting of one kendar, one dwarf and one human, a female
} both doughty and comely, dressed in full plate armour which still
} somehow manages to cling to her curves. Creeping silently through
} this silent night, they silently sneak up on the rear of a tent.
} Within the tent, silently, a dim blue light flickers.
} Silently, the kendar slits the back of the tent open, and they sneak
} in to find a luxuriously appointed, nay downright opulent interior.
} The only light, however, comes from a strange box with a window in it.
} Sneaking up on the box, the human female reads the words inscribed
} within, and then throws up.
} Suddenly, the curtain covering the front of the tent is thrown open
} and Lord Soth, escorted by four of his death knights, strides in,
} surprising the heroic band. The atmosphere is tense.
} Soth : "So. You came to assassinate me - *and* you've been reading my
} email !"
} Female : "Your tyranny must come to an end, Soth. You'll never
} succeed in your evil plans."
} Dwarf : "That's true. We may be outnumbered but we'll take you all on
} and - "
} Suddenly a figure in a bathrobe holding a rubber ducky and a full glass
} of champagne appears in the tent. It's getting quite crowded in there.
} Oracle (for it is He) : "Oh, for the love of Gnu, can we stop with the
} fucking dialogue already ?"
} Kendar : "What the heck ?"
} Soth : "So, Oracle, you come out of your sanctum and into *my*
} territory !"
} Oracle : "Can it, bone-boy. It's getting late, I'm getting ready for
} a bath with Lisa, and the champers is going flat, so let's
} get this over with."
} Soth : "You propose to fight me, one on one ?"
} Oracle : "FIGHT you ? Do I look like a bloody fighter ? Go besiege Thor
} or Hercules if you wanna fight. I'm a God of Information."
} Soth : "So are you going to, heh, heh, inform me to death ?"
} Oracle : "Hmm. Soth, allow me to point out a few facts here. You're a
} death knight, right ?"
} Soth : "Yeah. So ?"
} Oracle : "Which means you're essentially a skeleton in armour designed
} to be stuck in dungeons when a referee wants to threaten a
} bunch of role-playing geeks."
} Soth : "That may be so, I suppose."
} Oracle : "So why are you above ground, writing stupid love poetry and
} pretending to be something out of a romance novel ?"
} Soth : "Umm..."
} Oracle : "Go home, Soth."
} Soth : "This was getting boring, anyway."
} Soth and his army fade away, leaving the four figures standing outside
} the temple.
} Dwarf : "We cannot thank you enough for -"
} Oracle : "Shut it. I haven't finished with you yet."
} Dwarf : "Oops."
} Oracle : "You, kendar, front and centre. What do you have to say for
} yourself ?"
} Kendar : "I dunno. Sorry about stealing your bathsalts ?"
} Oracle : "Screw the bathsalts. Repeat after me: I, Tasslethingy the
} Kendar : "I, Tasslethingy the Kendar..."
} Oracle : "...am the result of a bad writer ripping off Tolkein's idea
} Kendar : "...am the result of a bad writer ripping off Tolkein's idea
} Oracle : "...a hobbit !"
} Kendar : "...a hobbit ?"
} Immediately, the ground opens up and two large figures with green skin,
} horns and Gucci briefcases climb out. They drag the screaming kendar
} back with them into the glowing sulphur-choked rift in the ground,
} which closes after them.
} Oracle : "Trademark lawyers. Gotta love 'em."
} Female : "My Gods, how could you do that to my friend ?"
} Oracle : "Your Gods, you say ? You mean Fizzbum the Incompetent and
} Tiathingy, the Lizard Queen ?"
} A large, reptilian figure looms in the night above the Oracle. By her
} side, a stooped human figure can be seen.
} Tiamat : "I prefer the term 'Dragon Queen', thank you."
} Oracle : "Ah, thought that might get your attention, your lizardness."
} Fizzban : "You are a very impertinent young demigod. Any reason why we
} shouldn't disintegrate you where you stand ?"
} Oracle : "Well, y'know, I have to admit I only have a Wand of Zot, and
} you two are after all Incarnations of Cosmic Forces of Good
} and Evil. However...
} Tiamat : "However, what ?..."
} Oracle : "I *am* a God of Information after all."
} Fizzban : "So ?"
} WE INTERRUPT THIS TEXT FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
} Hey, kids ? Do you actually *enjoy* reading the latest bit of crap
} from Hickman and Weis ? Did you know that Richard Adam's _Maia_ has
} *exactly* the same level of bad writing and routine fantasy you've
} come to expect, but features the adventures of a nubile young lass
} sold into sexual servitude within a corrupt and decadent empire ?
} BACK TO THE STORY
} Fizzban : "You bastard."
} Tiamat : "Help me - I'm faadddiiiinnngggg - "
} The figures of the gods disappear and the three are left alone.
} Female : "What happened ?"
} Oracle : "For some reason, they suddenly experienced a critical lack
} of readers."
} Female : "So... so... why are we still here ?"
} Oracle : "Well, you originally came from another base, that of those
} geeks stupid enough to play D&D. They're not able to read
} an entire book, and they think sexual literature involves
} centerfolds. Which explains you."
} Female : "Me ?"
} Oracle : "Yup. Ever had a period ?"
} Female : "Um, nope."
} Oracle : "Ever wonder where you managed to get a set of full plate
} sculpted for 36 Ds ?"
} Female : "Um, nope."
} Oracle : "Ever wonder why you have a habit of falling into bed with
} roguish, but handsome young adventurers, yet you never seem
} to worry about pregnancy, morning breath, or commitment to a
} meaningful relationship ?"
} Female : "Um, nope."
} Oracle : "You're the figment of an adolescent male virgin gamer's
} imagination. Go away. You make me nauseous."
} The female shrugs and fades away into the night, leaving only the two
} remaining characters in front of the temple.
} Dwarf : "Um, so what now ?"
} Oracle : "If I ever catch you playing around with the friggin' holodeck
} again, Zadoc, you'll be cleaning the horse's stables."
} Dwarf : "I do that anyway, Oh Great One."
} Oracle : "With your tongue."
} Exit the last two figures, Zadoc to his lowly pallet of straw somewhere
} in the temple's basement, the Oracle to a half-occupied hottub awaiting
} champagne and ducky.
} You owe the Oracle something by Lois McMaster Bujold instead.