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Internet Oracularities #1093

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Internet Oracularities #1093    (74 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST)

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   1093
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1093  74 votes 28mkm 4brp7 1aksf mqi62 1hCh1 avma1 09unc dpp83 7fjhg 15nsh
1093  3.1 mean  3.7   3.3   3.6   2.2   3.0   2.5   3.5   2.5   3.3   3.7


1093-01    (28mkm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> GREETINGS ORACLE!  THIS IS YOUR DOOM TALKING!  I AM LORD SOTH!  I HAVE
> MY LEGIONS WITH ME AND AM OUTSIDE YOUR TEMPLE GATES!  I WILL DESTROY
> YOU IF YOU DO NOT GIVE IN TO MY DEMANDS!  AND MY DEMANDS ARE...AN
> ANSWER!
>
> Yes, an answer.  I want to know when I will finally get Kitiara?  I
> miss her terribly and want her for my own.  I even wrote a song about
> it! Here goes...
>
> Oh Kitiara, my love is true!
> Oh Kitiara, I want to...uhh...deathknight-afy you!
>
> Oh Kitiara, I wish you were here!
> Oh Kitiara...uhh...ummm...You need to use Nair!
>
> So what do ya think?  Will it win her over or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dragons of Spring Rising in The War Of The Twins Over Kyrnn, Part 32.
}
} The scene: an army camp outside a majestic Greek temple.  The sentries
} stand their guard as silent and unmoving as... as... well, as corpses.
} Which is what they are, of course.
}
} Creeping through the night we find yet another generic stalwart band
} of heroes, consisting of one kendar, one dwarf and one human, a female
} both doughty and comely, dressed in full plate armour which still
} somehow manages to cling to her curves. Creeping silently through
} this silent night, they silently sneak up on the rear of a tent.
} Within the tent, silently, a dim blue light flickers.
}
} Silently, the kendar slits the back of the tent open, and they sneak
} in to find a luxuriously appointed, nay downright opulent interior.
} The only light, however, comes from a strange box with a window in it.
} Sneaking up on the box, the human female reads the words inscribed
} within, and then throws up.
}
} Suddenly, the curtain covering the front of the tent is thrown open
} and Lord Soth, escorted by four of his death knights, strides in,
} surprising the heroic band. The atmosphere is tense.
}
} Soth : "So. You came to assassinate me - *and* you've been reading my
}         email !"
} Female : "Your tyranny must come to an end, Soth. You'll never
}           succeed in your evil plans."
} Dwarf : "That's true. We may be outnumbered but we'll take you all on
}          and - "
}
} Suddenly a figure in a bathrobe holding a rubber ducky and a full glass
} of champagne appears in the tent. It's getting quite crowded in there.
}
} Oracle (for it is He) : "Oh, for the love of Gnu, can we stop with the
}                          fucking dialogue already ?"
} Kendar : "What the heck ?"
} Soth : "So, Oracle, you come out of your sanctum and into *my*
}         territory !"
} Oracle : "Can it, bone-boy. It's getting late, I'm getting ready for
}           a bath with Lisa, and the champers is going flat, so let's
}           get this over with."
} Soth : "You propose to fight me, one on one ?"
} Oracle : "FIGHT you ? Do I look like a bloody fighter ? Go besiege Thor
}           or Hercules if you wanna fight. I'm a God of Information."
} Soth : "So are you going to, heh, heh, inform me to death ?"
} Oracle : "Hmm. Soth, allow me to point out a few facts here. You're a
}           death knight, right ?"
} Soth : "Yeah. So ?"
} Oracle : "Which means you're essentially a skeleton in armour designed
}           to be stuck in dungeons when a referee wants to threaten a
}           bunch of role-playing geeks."
} Soth : "That may be so, I suppose."
} Oracle : "So why are you above ground, writing stupid love poetry and
}           pretending to be something out of a romance novel ?"
} Soth : "Umm..."
} Oracle : "Go home, Soth."
} Soth : "This was getting boring, anyway."
}
} Soth and his army fade away, leaving the four figures standing outside
} the temple.
}
} Dwarf : "We cannot thank you enough for -"
} Oracle : "Shut it. I haven't finished with you yet."
} Dwarf : "Oops."
} Oracle : "You, kendar, front and centre. What do you have to say for
}           yourself ?"
} Kendar : "I dunno. Sorry about stealing your bathsalts ?"
} Oracle : "Screw the bathsalts. Repeat after me: I, Tasslethingy the
}           Kendar..."
} Kendar : "I, Tasslethingy the Kendar..."
} Oracle : "...am the result of a bad writer ripping off Tolkein's idea
}           of..."
} Kendar : "...am the result of a bad writer ripping off Tolkein's idea
}           of..."
} Oracle : "...a hobbit !"
} Kendar : "...a hobbit ?"
}
} Immediately, the ground opens up and two large figures with green skin,
} horns and Gucci briefcases climb out. They drag the screaming kendar
} back with them into the glowing sulphur-choked rift in the ground,
} which closes after them.
}
} Oracle : "Trademark lawyers. Gotta love 'em."
} Female : "My Gods, how could you do that to my friend ?"
} Oracle : "Your Gods, you say ? You mean Fizzbum the Incompetent and
}           Tiathingy, the Lizard Queen ?"
}
} A large, reptilian figure looms in the night above the Oracle. By her
} side, a stooped human figure can be seen.
}
} Tiamat : "I prefer the term 'Dragon Queen', thank you."
} Oracle : "Ah, thought that might get your attention, your lizardness."
} Fizzban : "You are a very impertinent young demigod. Any reason why we
}            shouldn't disintegrate you where you stand ?"
} Oracle : "Well, y'know, I have to admit I only have a Wand of Zot, and
}           you two are after all Incarnations of Cosmic Forces of Good
}           and Evil.  However...
} Tiamat : "However, what ?..."
} Oracle : "I *am* a God of Information after all."
} Fizzban : "So ?"
}
} WE INTERRUPT THIS TEXT FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
} Hey, kids ? Do you actually *enjoy* reading the latest bit of crap
} from Hickman and Weis ? Did you know that Richard Adam's _Maia_ has
} *exactly* the same level of bad writing and routine fantasy you've
} come to expect, but features the adventures of a nubile young lass
} sold into sexual servitude within a corrupt and decadent empire ?
} BACK TO THE STORY
}
} Fizzban : "You bastard."
} Tiamat : "Help me - I'm faadddiiiinnngggg - "
}
} The figures of the gods disappear and the three are left alone.
}
} Female : "What happened ?"
} Oracle : "For some reason, they suddenly experienced a critical lack
}           of readers."
} Female : "So... so... why are we still here ?"
} Oracle : "Well, you originally came from another base, that of those
}           geeks stupid enough to play D&D. They're not able to read
}           an entire book, and they think sexual literature involves
}           centerfolds.  Which explains you."
} Female : "Me ?"
} Oracle : "Yup. Ever had a period ?"
} Female : "Um, nope."
} Oracle : "Ever wonder where you managed to get a set of full plate
}           sculpted for 36 Ds ?"
} Female : "Um, nope."
} Oracle : "Ever wonder why you have a habit of falling into bed with
}           roguish, but handsome young adventurers, yet you never seem
}           to worry about pregnancy, morning breath, or commitment to a
}           meaningful relationship ?"
} Female : "Um, nope."
} Oracle : "You're the figment of an adolescent male virgin gamer's
}           imagination. Go away. You make me nauseous."
}
} The female shrugs and fades away into the night, leaving only the two
} remaining characters in front of the temple.
}
} Dwarf : "Um, so what now ?"
} Oracle : "If I ever catch you playing around with the friggin' holodeck
}           again, Zadoc, you'll be cleaning the horse's stables."
} Dwarf : "I do that anyway, Oh Great One."
} Oracle : "With your tongue."
}
} Exit the last two figures, Zadoc to his lowly pallet of straw somewhere
} in the temple's basement, the Oracle to a half-occupied hottub awaiting
} champagne and ducky.
}
} You owe the Oracle something by Lois McMaster Bujold instead.


1093-02    (4brp7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Paper looming near,
> Three days to complete it hence
> Oh no I am screwed!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frantic all-nigthers
} and Haiku's to Oracles,
} signs of deep madness.
}
} Three days practicing,
} "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
} Foretells your future.


1093-03    (1aksf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...What does an anti-depressant do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anti-depressants are the first successful application of
} nano-technolgy.
}
} Antidepressants contain thousands of truly tiny clowns. Clowns in
} bright red floppy shoes, clowns in yellow bellowing pants, clowns with
} green hair and bulbous noses. These itty-bitty white-faced merchants of
} glee course through your system chortling and make their miniature
} horns go 'honka-honka-honka' as they look for the dread 'sad cells'
} that cause depression.
}
} When the nano-clowns find a 'sad cell' they perform an endless stream
} of cell splitting slapstick routines that make the 'sad cells' laugh
} & laugh & laugh until the 'sad cells' turn into 'murderously irritated
} clown hating cells'.
}
} This last part is what is known as a 'side effect', but, oh well, the
} aforementioned cells at least aren't sad any more.
}
} You owe the Oracle some place quiet to brood.


1093-04    (mqi62 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am at one with the worlds mustard.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, now you get to graduate to horseradish.


1093-05    (1hCh1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
>
> he who knowth all that is, has been, or will be, tell me...
>
> How come no fortune teller I know, has ever won the lottery even though
> they can 'see' the future ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah but they all will Supplicant, they all will!  You see every
} fortune teller has seen in their dreams those magic numbers that will
} make them rich for life, but they know not when it will come.  Many
} mediums become pathetic homeless people with six numbers tatooed on
} their arms begging for the dollar they need to play that day, and
} standing in front of TV window displays hoping.  Of course what they
} don't know is that they all have the same numbers.  I figure each of
} them should clear about a buck and a half after taxes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Quick Six


1093-06    (avma1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou whose MLMs are not constrained by the size of the
> Earth's population, as thou's marketing ability allows thou to sell
> a 'business list' to every atom in the universe, pray tell me.
>
> Oracle, according to the National Fraud Watch Center, "If it looks too
> good to be true, it probably is." Orrie, this setup where we can send
> you any question we like, and you'll reply looks far too good to be
> true. Are you some sort of scammer, and if so, how does it all work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.
}
} Being omniscient I know the name and email adress of every supplicant.
} Based upon a lot of psychology and the questions every supplicant asks,
} I can have a user profile generated, that shows what interests, hobbies
} and needs every supplicant has.
} This allows me to have huge lists of email adresses compiled, sorted by
} interest categories.
} These list are sold to spammers for big bucks.
} Get ready to get spammed :).
}
} You owe the Oracle a sturdier mailserver.


1093-07    (09unc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, how can I seem smart all the time, like you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       As shown by your complete lack of grovel, it is obvious that the
} time needed to produce the necessary increase in your natural
} intelligence would exceed your lifespan and possibly mine.  So, you'll
} have to settle for
}
} THE ORACLE'S TIPS ON FAKING INTELLIGENCE
}
} 1.  Substitute the phrase "Studies have shown," for the phrase "I
} think," For example, "Studies have shown that you suck."  This creates
} the illusion the entire scientific community agrees with you.  If
} anyone asks you what studies just drop some acronyms like the NIH, CDC,
} PBJ, etc. and claim you'll send them a copy later.
}
} 2.  Attribute your insane ramblings to famous dead people.  For
} example, if you say the following at a dinner party, "I have have
} zuccini in my underwear,"  people will start to edge away from you
} nervously unless you add, "at least according to Confucious."  then all
} will be impressed by your deep thinking.
}
} 3.  Avoid speaking with experts on their topics on conversation.  There
} is no way you fake your way through a physics discussion with Stephen
} Hawking.
}  Ideally, you would chat with him about 14th century Latvian folk
} dancing which, of course, you studied at Harvard.
}
} 4.  Hang out with stupid but curious people.  This a natural extension
} of rule three but you must pick your focus group carefully.  Really
} dumb people, those who have yet to master dialing nine to call outside
} the building, won't be smart enough to recognize the hints you drop.
} Ideally, you would start with people who ask,  "Gee how can I be as
} smart as you?"
}
} You owe the Oracle an interpretation of the latest CDC study on Latvian
} folk dancing by Voltaire.


1093-08    (dpp83 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most winning, how can I tell if I'm spending too much time on
> eBay?
>
> _______________________________________________________________
> Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit http://www.msn.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As it happens, I was just checking My eBay when I received your
} question. Let's take a look at your listing under Collectibles |
} Supplicants...
}
}                              Dave T. Groveler
}                                Item #97126842
}
} Currently   $0.02                                 First Bid     $0.02
} Quantity    1                                     # of bids     1
} Time left   Auction has ended.                    Location      Earth
} Started     05/02/99, 05:11:20 PDT
} Ends        05/05/99, 05:11:20 PDT
}
} Seller      dtgrovel@msn.com (0)
} High bid    zotmeister
}
} All things considered, I'd say you were on eBay just long enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle most winning his two cents worth and positive
} feedback.


1093-09    (7fjhg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It was a stark and dormy night...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a stark and dormy night
}   Where shinky Four-of-Hearts once braled:
} All dimsy was the orinckite
}   And the lame lews erswailed.
}
} "Watch out for Lindseygreg, my mate!
}   The verse that scans, the words so true!
} Watch out for Clergymen, and bait
}   The humusant Timchew!"
}
} He took his dodgsy pen in hand;
}   Then cast it out, cause real men type -
} So wrote he in a Budbud spree,
}   Leaned back and puffed his pipe.
}
} And, as the shining wit had known,
}   The Lindseygreg, with eyes so stark,
} Came dorming through the woods alone,
}   Reminding him of Snark!
}
} One, two! Three, four! And five and six
}   The stanzas came out bad, the hack
} Thus left it fine and with his Pine
}   E-mailed it its words back!
}
} "And hast thou stunned the Lindseygreg?
}   A cunning stunt, my iffy mate!
} No? NAY? Can't titillate the dreg?"
}   She cried out, quite irate.
}
} It was a stark and dormy night
}   Where shinky Four-of-Hearts once braled:
} All dimsy was the orinckite
}   And the lame lews erswailed.
}
} You owe the Oracle...not a word.


1093-10    (15nsh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most sea-worthy,
>
> What was the voyage like on the Anti-ark? With the Anti-Noah, you
> know the boat with all the vile creatures on

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I am suprised mortal that you know of the Anti-ark's extistence
} and yet know nothing of the story.  No matter, you have asked, and
} I will answer.
}       Now just after God told Noah to build the Ark, Satan's
} intelligence agency relayed the conversation to him, and he knew
} something must be done to save all that is evil in the world.  So he
} contacted Haon, a drunken wastrel in the city of Sodom, and demanded
} that he too build an Ark and load into it two of everything that was
} evil.  And Haon replied, "Sod off.  I'm drinking."  So Satan applied
} fire to various parts of Haon's anatomy, and quickly convinced him to
} build the Anti-ark.  After the Anti-Ark was constructed he went out
} into the world to collect all that was evil.  This was difficult as
} most of it was carnivorous, poisonous, or trying to sell him insurance.
} After much trevail he started loading them into the Ark, first the
} dragons, then the basilisks, the imps, the insurance salesman, the
} goat sucker birds, the icky crawling things than spawn from unwashed
} gym socks, etc. until at last the Anti-ark was full. Haon entered
} the Anti-ark to survey the legions of evil in all their splendor,
} and found two really full dragons and the insurance salesmen, for
} even dragons have standards.  After the flood, the two dragons had
} a son who can be seen in Scotland to this day, and the scourge of
} Insurance spread across the world and Satan smiled.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flameproof double indemnity policy.


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