} o/~ They fight! They bite! o/~
} o/~ They fight and bite and fight! o/~
} o/~ Fight fight fight, bite bite bite! o/~
} o/~ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! o/~
} Today's episode: "Milk It Fur All It's Worth"
} The Scene: A tranquil, 1950s-era kitchen, complete with many "deluxe"
} Itchy, wearing a frilly apron, opens the oven and takes out a pan of
} delicious snickerdoodles. He smells them; aren't they just
} scrumptious? He puts them on a plate, sets them on the table, and
} attaches a note that reads "For Scratchy, Love Itchy". (Writer's note:
} make sure it looks like a freakin' mouse wrote the note this time.
} Mice do NOT have freakin' Palmer penmanship.)
} Scratchy struts into the kitchen and does a wacky take when he sees the
} snickerdoodles. "For me??!??!?" he cries. He begins to gobble down
} the snickerdoodles with wild abandon.
} But something is wrong. He stops chewing. He looks around the table.
} He looks around the room, a growing sense of panic in his eyes--there's
} no milk!
} Scratchy flings open the refrigerator door and spies a gallon a milk.
} He promptly begins chugging the milk directly from the bottle. But
} that's not milk--it's poison! (Writer's note: I'll leave it to the
} art department to figure out how the cat could "mistake" poison for
} milk.) The label reads "In case of accidental ingestion, drink plenty
} of milk". Smoke and flames are now coming from his mouth. (Writer's
} note: I know poison doesn't make flames come out of your mouth, but
} this ain't PBS.)
} Panicking and screaming, Scratchy runs outside, where several cattle
} graze in a pasture. The cat grabs a stool and a milk bucket, and
} attempts to milk one of the cows. However, a large bull spots him and
} charges. (Writer's note: This would be funnier if somehow the bull
} "saw red". Maybe Scratchy should be bleeding at this point.) The bull
} gores Scratchy horribly. Repeatedly. Ultimately, the bull head-butts
} the cat, who goes flying through the air and lands on a city street.
} Scratchy continues to panic until he spots a baby in a baby carriage
} with a bottle of milk. The cat runs up, grabs the bottle, and proceeds
} to suck on the nipple. The baby cries inconsolably. The mother--a
} big, strong, brutish dame--runs to the scene, screaming something
} unrecognizable. She proceeds to beat Scratchy mercilessly with her
} purse. Other large women join in. It's a regular "cat fight"--legs
} and purses and hats are flying everywhere.
} Somehow, Scratchy crawls out of the side of pile. The women don't seem
} to notice. He crawls out onto the street, where he is promptly run
} over---by a milk truck, driven by Itchy! In a delightful denouement,
} the mother of the baby picks up Scratchy's flattened carcass and wears
} it like a fur stole.
} The end! Brought to you by the Dairy Council.
} You owe the Oracle milk money for all the kids at Columbine High
} School. No, television doesn't desensitize us to violence.