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Internet Oracularities #1095

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Internet Oracularities #1095    (77 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 May 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST)

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   1095
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1095  77 votes Am946 8jbhm 18pte 5mgr7 7rlh5 2lyh3 2epjh 8khq6 9ppd5 5stb4
1095  3.0 mean  2.0   3.3   3.6   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.5   3.0   2.7   2.8


1095-01    (Am946 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sexiest Oracle, whose sweat smells so good that Marilyn Monroe
> should have worn it at night instead of Chanel N.5, I need your
> help.
>
> I'm supposed to meet my thesis advisor a few times per week,
> to talk about algebraic geometric and similar not-very-exciting
> subjects. The problem is that, as soon as I see him, my legs
> become weak, I start blushing, and instead of thinking about
> algebraic curves I feel like removing all his clothes and making
> love to him on his office's carpet.
>
> So what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should seek therapy.


1095-02    (8jbhm dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spring is here, Spring is here
> Life is finals, Life is beer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spring is here, Spring is here,
} Life is finals, life is beer.
} I think the scariest time of the year
} is the Spring, I do, don't you? 'Course you do...
}
} But there's one thing
} that makes Spring
} quite bearable,
} and makes all those finals endurable...
}
} All the World seems in tune
} on a Spring afternoon
} when we poison professors in the bar;
} Every evening you'll see
} my classmates and me
} as we poison professors in the bar.
}
} When they see us coming
} our tutors all run and hide
} but they don't know the cognac's
} been topped up with cyanide...
}
} We don't give a damn,
} there's no need to cram
} 'cause we've poisoned professors in the bar
} la-la, la-la-la-la-la dum-de-dee, dum-de-doo...
}
} We've gained notoriety
} And caused much anxiety
} in Postgrad society
} with our thought;
} they see it as venomous
} and reeking of wickedness
} but mostly they're envious
} we haven't been caught!
} But we've shown we are worthy successors,
} by covertly offing professors...
}
} So, if you want good grades
} why don't you join our raids
} and we'll poison professors in the bar.
} And maybe we'll do
} in a TA or two
} while we poison professors in the bar.
} We'll murder them all, amidst laughter and merriment
} except for the few who base grades on experiments...
}
} My pulse will be quickenin'
} with each drop of Strychnine
} we serve to professors
} - we don't need confessors -
} to poison professors in the bar!
}
} You owe the Oracle a rousing chorus of "Bright College Days".


1095-03    (18pte dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most enlightened one, please answer this geological query.
>
>       I have this theory that the Earth is actually a three dimensional
> donut and that lava is merely very hot jelly.  Could you please prove
> or disprove this for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE TEST LABS REPORT
} EXPERIMENT NUMBER: QA09250
} COMMISSIONED BY: J. Random Supplicant
}
} Purpose of the experiment was to determine if the earth is in fact a
} large doughnut that has not cooled sufficently to enjoy its sweet,
} tasty filling.
}
} EQUIPMENT:
}
} 1 Jelly Doughnut
} 2 Glasses Milk
} 3 Tablespoons Topsoil, Refrigerated for three hours (to allow for
} proper cooling)
} 1 "booth" (see procedure)
} 2 blindfolds.
} 5 Napkins, Paper
}
} PROCEDURE:
}
} 1. Set up booth in local shopping mall, in front of "Dunkin Donuts"
} franchise. Booth consisted of a folding table, two folding chairs, and
} large cardboard sign that read "DOUGHNUT STUDY".
}
} 2. Approached patrons of "Dunkin Donuts" and asked them to participate
} in a blind taste test.
}
} 3. After finding two agreeable patrons, returned to booth. Asked
} Participant "A" to sit in the first chair, and Participant "B" to sit
} in the second chair.
}
} 4. Blindfolded both participants.
}
} 5. Gave Participant "A" the jelly donut and first glass of milk. Asked
} participant about the doughnut's flavor. The subject responded with
} "Sweet...moist, I think the filling is strawberry." The subject then
} knocked over her milk glass, which was cleaned up with the napkins.
}
} 6. Gave Participant "B" the topsoil and second glass of milk. Asked
} participant about the doughnut's flavor. The subject responded with
} "This tastes like dirt! Wait a minute! This is dirt! What kind of a
} sick weirdo tells someone he's going to give them a doughnut, then
} feeds them dirt??" Participant "B" then threw his glass of milk in our
} researcher's face and kicked him in the shins.
}
} 7. Mall Security arrived and asked our researcher to accompany them
} back to the office, where he had to wait until his parents came to pick
} him up. As this was our researcher's second experiment at this mall, he
} was asked not to return.
}
} CONCLUSIONS:
}
} 1. Milk smells bad if you don't wash it out of your shirt right away.
} 2. I hate mall cops.
} 3. The earth is not a doughnut.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good explanation for this, young man.


1095-04    (5mgr7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well . . . in theory - but, system designers can resolve many problems
} with bus contention through the intelligent use of the prefetch queue
} and the cache memory subsystem. They can design the prefetch queue to
} buffer up data from the instruction stream, and they can design the
} cache with separate data and code areas. Both techniques can improve
} system performance by eliminating some conflicts for the bus.
}
} For example, if you execute two one-byte instructions in a row, the BIU
} can fetch both opcodes in one memory cycle, freeing up the bus for
} other operations. The CPU can use these available bus cycles to fetch
} additional opcodes or to deal with other memory accesses.
}
} Of course, not all instructions are one byte long. The 8486 has two
} instruction sizes: one byte and three bytes. If you execute several
} three-byte load instructions in a row, you're going to run slower,
} e.g.,
}
}                 mov     ax, 1000
}                 mov     bx, 2000
}                 mov     cx, 3000
}                 add     ax, 5000
}
} Each of these instructions reads an opcode byte and a 16 bit operand
} (the constant). Therefore, it takes an average of 1.5 clock cycles to
} read each instruction above. As a result, the instructions will require
} six clock cycles to execute rather than four.
}
} Then again, maybe what you're *really* asking is for a saucer of milk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dimebag of catnip and a hairball.


1095-05    (7rlh5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle Most Wise, please tell me how a newbie like moi can become a
> webmaster.
>
> _________________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Free instant messaging and more at http://messenger.yahoo.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heeheeheeeee!
}
} You seek Webi Master, Hmmmmmm...?
} You seek Ordo!
}
} First, you get in line for Star Wars tickets.
} Bring with you books on HTML and PERL.
} While in line, study-study!
} By time you reach front of line, you Webi Master!
}
} You owe the Oracle some dry sox and a map showing the
} way outta this swamp!


1095-06    (2lyh3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most frabjous and beamish,
>
> Ever since last brillig, my vorpal sword hasn't been going
> snicker-snak. It's been going snacker-snik. What am I doing wrong? I've
> got an infestation of slithy toves that needs purging!
>
> Signed,
>
> Frumious in Fresno

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Dearest Supplicant,
}
}    You see that little girl over in the corner, the one with the long
}    blonde hair and the blue dress, chasing the rabbit ?
}
}    She's to blame.
}
}    Y'see, she'll be responsible for some mathematician with a yen
}    for naked preadolescents reporting on your exploits against the
}    slithy toves. Actually, this is not a problem since Victorian
}    British mathematicians, with or without kinky fetishes, are well
}    able to read and understand the difference between snicker-snak
}    and snacker-snik.
}
}    Unfortunately, last brillig (Greenwich Mean Time), a updated
}    version of the story was put out by an American comics company
}    as a one-shot graphic novel. Among such innovations as having
}    Alice be a stacked redhead with a habit of losing her clothes,
}    and Tweedledum and Tweedledee blowing each other away with Glocks,
}    they got the description of your vorpal sword wrong.
}
}    You can nip this in the bud now if you cut off her head (which,
}    I should point out, will also earn you points with the Red Queen).
}
}    Go on, do it for Wonderland.
}
} - The Oracle


1095-07    (2epjh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is superconductor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Faster than a speeding bullet train.
}
} More powerful than a locomotive.
}
} Able to leap from one car to the next without falling to his death.
}
} Look! Down the aisle! It's a middle-aged guy! No, it's an old guy!
} It's SUPERCONDUCTOR!
}
} Yes, it's Superconductor -- strange visitor from another city,
} usually in the American midwest, who came here with powers and
} abilities far beyond those of mortal conductors.
}
} Superconductor, who can change the course of mighty trains, tear
} tickets with his bare hands, help passengers with their heavy
} luggage, and enjoys shouting "All Aboard!" really loud.
}
} Superconductor, who disguised at Clark Bent, mild-mannered
} conductor for a great American train company (or alternatively,
} perhaps Amtrak), fights a neverending battle for Truth, Justice,
} and Smoke-free train cars.
}
} What is superconductor, you ask?  The greatest American hero of
} them all, that's what.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sketch of the other new "super-friends",
} Superfluous and Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


1095-08    (8khq6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got milk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} o/~ They fight! They bite! o/~
} o/~ They fight and bite and fight! o/~
} o/~ Fight fight fight, bite bite bite! o/~
} o/~ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! o/~
}
} Today's episode:  "Milk It Fur All It's Worth"
}
} The Scene:  A tranquil, 1950s-era kitchen, complete with many "deluxe"
} appliances.
}
} Itchy, wearing a frilly apron, opens the oven and takes out a pan of
} delicious snickerdoodles.  He smells them; aren't they just
} scrumptious?  He puts them on a plate, sets them on the table, and
} attaches a note that reads "For Scratchy, Love Itchy".  (Writer's note:
} make sure it looks like a freakin' mouse wrote the note this time.
} Mice do NOT have freakin' Palmer penmanship.)
}
} Scratchy struts into the kitchen and does a wacky take when he sees the
} snickerdoodles.  "For me??!??!?" he cries.  He begins to gobble down
} the snickerdoodles with wild abandon.
}
} But something is wrong.  He stops chewing.  He looks around the table.
} He looks around the room, a growing sense of panic in his eyes--there's
} no milk!
}
} Scratchy flings open the refrigerator door and spies a gallon a milk.
} He promptly begins chugging the milk directly from the bottle.  But
} that's not milk--it's poison!  (Writer's note:  I'll leave it to the
} art department to figure out how the cat could "mistake" poison for
} milk.)  The label reads "In case of accidental ingestion, drink plenty
} of milk".  Smoke and flames are now coming from his mouth.  (Writer's
} note:  I know poison doesn't make flames come out of your mouth, but
} this ain't PBS.)
}
} Panicking and screaming, Scratchy runs outside, where several cattle
} graze in a pasture.  The cat grabs a stool and a milk bucket, and
} attempts to milk one of the cows.  However, a large bull spots him and
} charges.  (Writer's note:  This would be funnier if somehow the bull
} "saw red".  Maybe Scratchy should be bleeding at this point.)  The bull
} gores Scratchy horribly. Repeatedly.  Ultimately, the bull head-butts
} the cat, who goes flying through the air and lands on a city street.
}
} Scratchy continues to panic until he spots a baby in a baby carriage
} with a bottle of milk.  The cat runs up, grabs the bottle, and proceeds
} to suck on the nipple.  The baby cries inconsolably.  The mother--a
} big, strong, brutish dame--runs to the scene, screaming something
} unrecognizable.  She proceeds to beat Scratchy mercilessly with her
} purse.  Other large women join in.  It's a regular "cat fight"--legs
} and purses and hats are flying everywhere.
}
} Somehow, Scratchy crawls out of the side of pile.  The women don't seem
} to notice.  He crawls out onto the street, where he is promptly run
} over---by a milk truck, driven by Itchy!  In a delightful denouement,
} the mother of the baby picks up Scratchy's flattened carcass and wears
} it like a fur stole.
}
} The end!  Brought to you by the Dairy Council.
}
} You owe the Oracle milk money for all the kids at Columbine High
} School. No, television doesn't desensitize us to violence.


1095-09    (9ppd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, tell me what would happen if the earth's axis of
> rotation was perfectly perpendicular to its orbital plane around the
> sun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Americans would quit whining about global warming, that's for sure.
} In fact, since Florida would be about 6 degrees Kelvin most of
} the year, there wouldn't be any warmth in the Norther Hemisphere to
} complain about. In fact, 15 miles north of the equator, kids entertain
} themselves by venturing outside and dipping kittens in the liquid
} nitrogen pools. It's fun to see Fluffy shatter! And if you happen to
} lose your sunglasses, why worry? The sun is never ever ever going to
} come up, no matter how long you wait!
}
} But let's get away from cold, dark, Florida! Why not take a holiday
} in Austrailia? Only be sure to pack your flip-flops, because if
} your bare feet touch the ground, they'll instantly be sauteed. Ouch,
} talk about filet of sole!
}
} After a nice, blisteringly hot walk on the beach, you'll be ready
} to enjoy Melbourne's famous nightlife. But since it never gets dark,
} there is no nightlife to speak of!
}
} Now you're thinking to yourself, with these climatic extremes ,
} how could this planet possibly support life! Ha, ha, ha! Surprise!
} It doesn't. So *you* don't really exist! Thanks for wasting the
} Oracle's time.
}
} You owe the Oracle some SPF 25,000 suntan lotion.


1095-10    (5stb4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fnook, O great Oracle.  (That's how we greet our friends.  If I
> had said "Fn'ook" that would have indicated you were an enemy.)
> I need to know when the forbensnetchers will finish repairing my
> bexenblastronic foople, which will allow mr to return home.
>
> If I don't get it fixed soon, I'll need to infect myself into earth
> beings in order not to expire.  Fnook.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes fnook, the Franobulaxian version of aloha a word that means
} hello, goodbye, and how bout them Nicks.  Unfortunately, you have
} crashed in New Yorkso don't expect any repairs on your vehicle for
} at least 3 years (1.7 gleebles) or $50,000 (1.7 gleebles, time being
} money after all).  So you'll definitely have to go with infection,
} but since you look, and taste, like coffee creamer you pretty much have
} your pick of victims, but you've got to careful of those side effects
} on your hosts.  The increased hair growth, aggressive tendencies,
} excess oil production, etc.  I suggest picking a teenager or one of
} those actors that plays Klingons.  Fnook.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thermoflexic astrobleme.


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