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Internet Oracularities #1096

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1096, 1096-01, 1096-02, 1096-03, 1096-04, 1096-05, 1096-06, 1096-07, 1096-08, 1096-09, 1096-10


Internet Oracularities #1096    (63 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1096
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1096  63 votes 8fje7 37ns2 5et96 7cqb7 9in85 49ll8 8ioc1 5dij8 9hkf2 4aiid
1096  3.0 mean  3.0   3.3   3.0   3.0   2.7   3.3   2.7   3.2   2.7   3.4


1096-01    (8fje7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just bought a new car. It's a great car, but there's a small blind
> spot right behind it. In theory, it would be possible for an animal to
> run behind the car into the blind spot without me noticing. So here's
> my question. How do you tell your kid that their dog is dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Ding-dong, the dog is dead! Which old dog? The witless dog!
}                 Ding-dong, the witless dog is dead!
}         Come see the tire tread, his glassy eyes, and where he bled,
}                 Come see, the witless dog is dead!
}         He's gone where bad doggies go -- below, below, below!
}                 Yo-ho, let's toss the pup and make his fur a carpet
}         Ding-dong the fi-die-do, yelp it high, growl it low
}                 Told you so, the witless dog is dead!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Munchkin to munch.


1096-02    (37ns2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. In fact, many farms nowdays have been using this new
} technique for milking to avoid accusations of cruelty. After all, the
} cow is obviously enjoying herself, and no human hand touches her. We
} now take you to Old McDonald's (tm) Farm Inc.
}
} Farmer: Right ye are lad, we put the buckets under the cow's noses,
} now it's up te ye te make them laugh.
}
} Billy Connelly (for it is he): Did you hear about the two cows who made
} went sailing. The captain was an old salt but they had him licked.
}
} Cows: <Utter silence>
}
} Farmer: Ye be useless lad. Beggone before I stick this here pitchfork
} up ye hairy Scottish behind. 'Ere, lass, you want te have a go?
}
} Dawn French: Evening sisters. You remind me of a very famous cow Betty,
} Betty the Vampire Slayer. No sooner would a vampire turn up in her
} field than they would be struck dead, with a steak through their heart.
}
} Cows: <Utter silence>
}
} Farmer: Ye be no more good than the last one. Beggone before ye husband
} turns up and kisses my livestock. 'Ere, ye look a likely lad, why don't
} ye give it a crack.
}
} Animal Rights Activist: We're not here to aid in your milking, we're
} here to free these cows.
}
} Farmer: Urrrgghhh [A remarkably similar sound to that made by someone
} who has just been poked in the stomach with a stick, for the remarkably
} coincidental reason that he had just been poked in the stomach with a
} stick.
}
} ARA: Friends, Jerseys, Heifers. I come to you not as a representive of
} a species that has oppressed you so long, but as a liberator, to bring
} you news of joy. All you have to do is...
}
} [At this point the Animal Rights Activist slips on a cowpat and lands
}  face down in it]
}
} Cows: Ha ha ha HA HA HA SLOSH!! HA HA HHHHAAAAA HHAAAHAHA HAAHA SLOSH
}       HA HA HA HHHAAAAA SLOSH HA HA HA HA.... SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH!!!
}
} Well, supplicant. You didn't expect cow humour to be sophisticated
} did you?
}
} You owe The Oracle some ice-cream substitute with no dairy products and
} less than one percent fat [1].
}
} [1] This actually exists, I bought some last night.


1096-03    (5et96 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Clever and Cute Oracle,
>
>  How will glow-in-the-dark pets change the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    It's all part of a cunning plan, y'see. There ain't a man alive that
}    can make love while he knows a cat is watching him, so
}    glow-in-the-dark pets will eliminate from the gene-pool any woman
}    with a tendency to keep cats.
}
}    Then, after the IQ of the human species is lowered to the level of
}    those who think dogs are a good idea, the Antarians will invade and
}    can you all as high quality spam.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a can-opener. And a promise to keep your body
}    free of nasty chemical additives.


1096-04    (7cqb7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Zadoc recoiled in shock as the latest message flashed onto his
} screen. "Mighty One! It's getting worse!"
}
}       "Silence worm, let me see," the Oracle growled, as he pushed past
} his lackey. He gritted his teeth at what was displayed.
}
} >
}
}       "It isn't bad enough that the Queue Drainer sends a single
} sentence question, but he *dares* to mock me with these double-liners!
} We'll, we're just gonna have to fix his little red wagon."
}
}       Turning to his throne, the omniscient one tapped a command into
} the keyboard integrated in the arms. A panel slid back with a muted
} click, and the Oracle insterted the handle of the Staff of Zot into the
} waiting receptacle. The walls buzzed with the vibration as the power
} built. Flat screens descended from their storage locations in the
} ceiling, scrolling with data. The lights in the audience chamber
} flickered, and a subsonic hum began to build, slowly gaining in pitch.
}
}       Zadoc's eyes widened. "Surely even one as repugnant as the Queue
} Drainer should not be subjected to.... *that*!"
}
}       The Oracle turned, and Zadoc quivered - even more than he
} normally did - at the intense, cold rage in that gaze. A muscle in the
} Oracle's cheek began to twitch, riviting the terrified lackey as his
} body froze in sheer horror. "I've had enough. I'm going to crush this
} annoyance, once and for all."
}
}       A keyboard rose from the floor, suspended at hand level by
} invisible forces. The Oracle began to type.
}
}       "Dear Mr. Lucas. I thought you might like to know that someone is
} selling bootleg copies of Star Wars: Episode One via mailorder..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a question next time. Or he'll sicc the Land Sharks
} on you.


1096-05    (9in85 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who could easily win a Best of Ten Test of Knowledge
> against Ben Stein, please enlighten this humble supplicant.
>
> Has Zadoc been taking lessons from Jimmy Kimmel?  He seems to have
> appropriated Jimmy's style in a recent appearence in the
> Oracularities...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the truth is that we finally decided Zadoc's official role should
} be that of "sidekick," mainly because we noticed that the average
} sidekick is alternately demure and incredibly annoying, much like
} Zadoc.  We weren't sure exactly how he should play his role, so we had
} him respond to a question chosen at random from the queue in a variety
} of different styles. I don't want to reprint the question here, but I
} think you'll be able to get the gist of it.  Here is a sampling of the
} results...
}
} ANDY RICHTER: As much wood as a...what was the question again?
}
} KATHIE LEE: All I know is that my Cody could do it better than any dumb
} old woodchuck!
}
} ART GARFUNKEL: Ooh ooh ooh ooh aah.  [This is a textual representation
} of the harmony portion of "The Only Living Woodchuck in Indiana."]
}
} KEVIN EUBANKS: Hee hee hee hee.  That's funny, Jay.
}
} JERRY LEWIS: Oh, Dean, I do not think woodchucks can do the wood
} chucking with the logs and the stubby little armsenheiven.
}
} ED McMAHON: Two quarts an hour...oh, I'm sorry, two CORDS.
}
} JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah, I think a better question would be where is he
} chucking it?  I mean, I wouldn't go around the forest chucking my wood
} just anyplace, if you know what I mean.
}
} When all was said and done, we decided to pick the least of 275 evils,
} and so Zadoc has adopted a Jimmy Kimmel persona.  I don't mind, because
} he's so into his role that, every weeknight at 7:30, he asks me a few
} easy questions and then hands me $5,000.
}
} I invite you to write, call, or e-mail to cs.indiana.edu in the hope,
} infinitesimal as it might be, that on some planet, on some distant day,
} you might not owe the Oracle anything.


1096-06    (49ll8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, thou who is the wriggliest one of all.
>
> Oracle, I'm a sperm. There are about 15 million of us swimming up
> these fallopian tubes, and I'm far from being the first. Can you give
> me any hints that could help me improve my chances of being the one
> to fertilise the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O young Spermlicant:
}
} * First things first, you'll want to start off with a vigorous
} stretching regimen. Many a battle has been lost due to a pulled
} flagellum.
}
} * Don't try to be the first out of the gate. If you do, you'll wind up
} being the one that discovers all the obstacles first . . . by running
} headlong into them.
}
} * If you do make it all the way up the fallopion tube, head around to
} the back side of the eggs. There will be fewer of your opponents
} competing for that side.
}
} * If you can find a way to carry a drill with you, that certainly
} wouldn't hurt.
}
} * You could try knocking "shave and a haircut" and see if the egg might
} just *let* you in.
}
} * If you're the type of sperm who lacks any scruples, you may wait for
} another sperm to tire himself out digging through the egg wall, and
} then knock him out of the way to finish the job.
}
} * A dangerous tactic might be to try to carry a concealed container of
} spermicide to unleash on your competitors toward the latter part of the
} race. BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL WHEN DOING THIS!
}
} * Finally, the real question is: Why the hell would you want to win the
} race to become a human?
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of 64 condoms for this weekend, a gallon of
} peanut oil, and some Crown Royal.


1096-07    (8ioc1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
> tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
> tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the question was:
}
} What do twenty-one monkeys pull out of the hair of their mate's head?
}
} no wait...
}
} What sound does a Rolex, purchased on the corner of 5th and Broadway,
} make?
}
} no wait...
}
} What sound does the bell at Columbine High School make?
}
} no wait...
}
} How would a pom line up a platoon of tick's?
}
} I know I know
}
} Put a card in the spokes of a bicycle and what have you got?
}
} I give up.  You owe the oracle a question.  Answers are too tough.


1096-08    (5dij8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracleman, whose rubber codpiece can stop the largest bullet please
> answer my burning question! What ever happened to you at the Polly's
> Chicken on Nominal Avenue? (976-02)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Previously on TIO: The Oracleman and his sidekick Lisa have been
} captured by the evil Puzzler and forced to answer logic puzzles on pain
} of death! Can our two heros escape from the Puzzler's dastardly
} cluches? Can they foil his evil plan to commit the crime of the
} century?
}
} [cue cheesy title sequence]
}
} "How ever can we escape from this one, Orrie? The Puzzler has really
} got us this time."
}
} "Never fear Lisa! We can trap the Puzzler with his own fiendish logic!"
}
} "But Orrie, even if we can answer all the puzzles, he'll have time to
} break into the Oraclecave and hijack the question queue!"
}
} "Exactly! And that's just how we're going to catch him. Now if I can
} just start this mail client ..... uuuhh ..... got it! Now while I trap
} the Puzzler, you get these handcuffs off!"
}
} [The Oracle types speedily. Messages <<CLICK>> and <<MAIL SENT>> flash
} across the screen in bright colours. Meanwhile, Lisa slips off a shoe,
} uses her toes to deflty remove a hairclip from just behind her ear and
} picks the locks on the handcuffs]
}
} "Ahh-hah! The Puzzler reckoned without your amazing flexibility, Lisa.
} Now to the Oraclecave!"
}
} "But how will we trap him, Orrie?"
}
} "Never fear, my trusty assistant! If my plan has worked, the Puzzler is
} already caught!"
}
} [cue chase scene, as the Oraclemobile races through downtown
} Bloomington. Our heroes finally reach the doors to the Oraclecave and
} burst in. Inside the Puzzler is sitting at a terminal, staring blankly
} into the distance and shaking slightly]
}
} "Holy Anti-histamines Orrie! What have you done to him?"
}
} "As I thought! The Puzzler! So you thought you could fool the Oracle.
} But you reckoned without my omnipotence and Lisa's yogic training. I
} think you better come with us down to City Hall"
}
} [cut to the Commisioner's office. Outside we see the Puzzler being led
} down to the cells, still vacant and unresponsive]
}
} "Thanks for you help Oracleman. Without you and Lisa, the Puzzler may
} have been able to take over the whole Internet. But I still don't
} understand how you managed to trap him in the Oraclecave with just one
} e-mail"
}
} "Well, I knew the Puzzler would never have lured us to Polly's chicken
} unless he wanted to use my question queue as the start of his evil
} scheme for world domination. So I sent this message:"
}
}   From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}   Subject: tell me
}
}   Oracleman, whose rubber codpiece can stop the largest bullet please
}   answer my burning question! What ever happened to you at the Polly's
}   Chicken on Nominal Avenue? (976-02)
}
} "When I recieved the Puzzler's reply, I knew I had him trapped in an
} infinite loop and that his capture would be simple:"
}
}   From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}   Subject: The Oracle replies!
}
}   Previously on TIO: The Oracleman and his sidekick Lisa have been
}   captured by the evil Puzzler and forced to answer logic puzzles on
}   pain of death! Can our two heros escape from the Puzzler's dastardly
}   cluches? Can they foil his evil plan to commit the crime of the
}   century?
}   ..... . . .
}
} [cue end-credits sequence. You owe the Oracle Russell's paradox
} explained by Diana Rigg in her Avenger's catsuit]


1096-09    (9hkf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, without whom the 'Net could not exist, please tell me
> this.  How is passing more laws supposed to stop those who are not
> afraid to break them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Supplicant...
}
} I _could_ tell you that mortals, like ants (and hard to distinguish
} from my exalted position) have an obsession with being seen to
} be active, however futile and meaningless that activity may be.
} That passing more laws is such an activity.
}
} I _could_ tell you that mortals crave simple answers to complex
} problems.  That passing more laws is cheap and simple. It doesn't even
} require providing sufficient resources for enforcement of those laws.
} It's just pieces of paper.
}
} I _could_ tell you that lawmakers hope that the extra publicity
} accompanying the passage of said laws brings them to the attention
} of lawbreakers, and gives them pause for thought and a chance to
} reconsider their ways. That ignorance is not an excuse, but an
} explanation.
}
} But gentle Supplicant, _those_ answers ignore the fact that your
} lawmakers are selected by the most intricate and democratic methods
} to represent you all.  That said lawmakers must therefore be the most
} intelligent and wise of all mortals and that there is an intelligent
} and rational reason for passing more laws.
}
} And that reason is....ummmmm, give me a moment.....it's coming
} to me.....
}
} Ummmm, you don't want to ask me the meaning of life, do you? No?
} Ok, ummmmm....
}
} I must know this one....I'm omniscient....ummmm......Ok, how about
} this:
}
} Every time a problem occurs you create legislation:
} a) specific to the even in question, even if more general legislation
}    exists that already covers the specific case; and /or
} b) so generalised, broad and vague that it encompasses, or so lawyers
}    can argue, a whole host of actions that were previously not criminal
}    (even if morally dubious or questionable under any given morality)
}
} This has two major effects:
} a) the creation of loopholes, as criminals evade the specifics of over
}    specialised legislation. This brings the justice system, lawmakers,
}    and lawyers who get these scum off, into disrepute.
} b) the dense morass of laws is so complex that no one can understand
}    them, even the lawmakers and lawyers. The justice system becomes
}    arbitrary as the vagueness and scope of offences means that everyone
}    is guilty of something. Even the most law-abiding citizen cannot be
}    aware of all laws and is always breaking one or more in some way.
}    This brings the justice system lawmakers, and lawyers who pursue
}    trivial cases against otherwise honest people, just like you,
}    into disrepute.
}
} Obviously, Supplicant, your society passes this point some time ago.
}
} A simple socio-economo-poltico analysis shows that this process is a
} vicious circle. It will degenerate, arbitrarily, into one of two states:
}
} a) the lack of respect for the law yields a state of anarchy
} b) the lack of respect for the law yields a totalitarian crackdown by
}    the government
}
} And so the finest minds of your duly elected representatives finally
} see their plan come to fruition. In both states all the lawyers are
} disposed of in the Great Relief of 20xx, and judges are given full
} power as prosecutor, judge, jury and execution. There is no need for
} defence, as noted above, since everyone is guilty.
}
} Everyone is now afraid to break the laws. Or at least until a Judge
} catches up with them. Not being afraid is a sign you are hiding
} something, a criminal offence, and you will be Judged accordingly.
}
} And so, Supplicant, passing more laws does, eventually, stop all
} those who are not afraid to break them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a firmer grip on reality and a Lawgiver.


1096-10    (4aiid dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle..... One who always gets enough sleep..... Coffee
> ineffective..... Pepsi not kicking in...... Jolt unavailable....
> Must know.... When will babsleep through night??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you stop giving the child Jolt and coffee and Pepsi.


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