[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:53:03 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1097

Goto:
1097, 1097-01, 1097-02, 1097-03, 1097-04, 1097-05, 1097-06, 1097-07, 1097-08, 1097-09, 1097-10


Internet Oracularities #1097    (63 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1097
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1097  63 votes 55pn5 5cpab 6apf7 79mi7 1nem3 4drf4 9eqb3 aapg2 3flea gke49
1097  3.0 mean  3.3   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.0   3.0   2.8   2.8   3.2   2.5


1097-01    (55pn5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, man, got any weed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For a long time now, I've had to frown
} Cause I'm allright, but like the world ain't down
} So I tell all you people, don't be no fool
} It just don't pay to be cool.
}
} Just last week, cold sober I was
} Looking out for that special buzz
} So I went to the Oracle, "Man, got any weed?"
} He said "You're welcome to anything you need."
}
}       And I got dandelions, crabgrass, onion grass
}       skunkweeds and copter seeds.
}
}       I said "No man, you got any grass?"
}
}       "I got blue grass, green grass, spear grass, elephant
}       grass, lemon grass."
}
}       I screamed, "Pot!  You got any pot!"
}
}       "I got steel pots, brass pots, cast iron, aluminum,
}       Analon, Teflon."
}
}       I said "This is wack."
}
}       And he creeped up on me, "You mean with a fist, with a
}       hammer, or with a ZotStaff?"
}
}       I backed away. "Hey we're cool."
}
}       He said, "Encased in ice, Pluto's nice, maybe liquid
}       nitro?"
}
}       I started running, "I just wanna blow."
}
}       He said, "TNT, C-4, nah I'll use the ZOT."
}
}       ZOT.  And he left.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a copy of Shel Silverstein's "It does not pay
} to be Hip" played in his memory.


1097-02    (5cpab dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shall I compare thee to a 'lesser than'?
} Thou hast more greatness and more rolling R's.
} The code, PC, not liketh lesser; can
} Man disagree and yet not be an arse?
} Unlike this cousin yours, by 'equal' known,
} Like cream from milk, from symbols were thou skimmed.
} Amongst the best, the best, you, have greater grown,
} A 'lesser than' is but a K that's trimmed.
} All lesser things are lost in space, in time,
} All minor ones at last must come to age.
} The verses around just will not rhyme
} Just as the verse above could never scan.
}     So long as lasts a man's attention span
}     So long live this, and you, oh greater than.


1097-03    (6apf7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In what year did the Titanic sink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1845, right after Abraham Lincoln was killed for freeing the Hebrews.
}
} This answer brought to you by America's Public Education System.
}
} You owe the Oracle a social promotion.


1097-04    (79mi7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> unsubscribe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try. No one escapes The Internet Oracle.


1097-05    (1nem3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <davis@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Can a home have too many clocks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed it can. There was the case of the professor at Caltech who
} filled his house with clocks, attempting to show how mechanical
} energy in the form of clockwork could be used for household tasks.
} Unfortunately, to save time he invented a means of interlinking them
} and winding them via rope. This worked until he wound them too far,
} with the result that all their springs sprung loose at one time and he
} entangled himself in the rope as it was being wound back onto a drum...
}
}    So just remember - too many clocks spool the prof.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a more obvious punch-line.


1097-06    (4drf4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O luciferous Oracle,
>
> My son is afraid to go to school because he thinks it might be bombed
> by NATO. And we live in Kansas! How can I reassure him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't think you can.
}
} Unfortunately, he's not worried about the North Atlantic Treaty
} Organization, he's worried about the Nebraska and Tennessee
} Organization. It's not as well-known as the North Atlantic folks...yet.
}
} Nebraska and Tennessee are tired of all the other states getting all
} the attention.  The other states have snow-capped mountains,
} sun-drenched beaches, famous historical sites, or all of the above.
} But the only time anyone ever hears of Nebraska and Tennessee is during
} college football season, on the Valvoline Halftime Report.
}
} The new NATO is soon going to begin their campaign to wipe all the
} tourist attractions in other states off the map.  Bombings will
} certainly be a major component, but that's not all.  There will be, of
} course, the intentional spillage of billions of gallons of oil, enough
} to foul all the miles of ocean, gulf, and even bay coastline in the
} country.  There's the intentional release of millions of cubic
} centimeters of CFCs into the upper atmosphere, which will cause
} unprecedented global warming that will keep mountains snow-free
} forever.  And there's even the top-secret "Project Unravel," which is
} supposed to have a disastrous effect on the World's Largest Ball of
} Twine.
}
} The good news is that unless your son's school is a tourist attraction,
} he's probably safe there.  But make sure you and your son never, ever
} again go anywhere near any museums, monuments, amusement parks, large
} shopping malls, or (and I think this goes without saying) anything
} "Wizard of Oz"-related.
}
} Of course, the other option is to try to defeat NATO before the mayhem
} starts.  I think the best strategy at this point would be to create
} internal dissension.  Remind Nebraska that Tennessee not only has
} Graceland and Opryland, they had that mutual fund commercial ten years
} ago that created a catch phrase ("Tax-free in 49 states...sorry,
} Tennessee!").  And remind Tennessee that Nebraska has, uh, cool state
} highway markers with a covered wagon on them.
}
} My personal strategy is to keep a close eye for any Nebraska or
} Tennessee license plates in the parking lot here at the Oracular
} Temple.  If necessary, I can disguise things by temporarily shutting
} down the Staff of Zot ride and moving a potted plant in front of the
} door to the gift shop.
}
} Actually, come to think of it, you owe the Oracle some new billboards
} on Interstate 65:  "How many tourists could a tourist attraction
} attract if a tourist attraction could attract tourists?  Visit the
} Oracular Temple in Bloomington and find out!  (NE, TN Residents: This
} is NOT a tourist attraction.)"


1097-07    (9eqb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This question is intended to slow down the queue. (**** askme
> merchants)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see if it works.
}
} QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
}
} Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q
}
} Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q  Q
}
} Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q   Q
}
} Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q    Q
}
} Q     Q     Q     Q     Q     Q     Q     Q     Q     Q     Q
}
} Yes, it slows them down.  Thank you.


1097-08    (aapg2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O splendiferous Oracle, who showers good furtune upon our
> unworthy heads, join with me in unbrided glee at my news.
>
>       Melrose is ending!  Yes, Yes, Yes!   WooHoo!   <POP> fizz
> Champagne's on me!  In honor of this splendid occasion I wish to invite
> all my friends over to celebrate the demise of this vile program.  I've
> got the bar fully stocked; chips, veggies, and dips are everywhere; and
> I have the complete episodes of Melrose Place on tape to be ritually
> burned on my barbeque grill.  What am I missing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, supplicant, celebrate. While Rome burns, play your fiddle. Pay no
} attention to the man behind the curtain. And yet, how could you do
} otherwise? Lacking omniscience, you have no knowledge of the events yet
} to occur, the scripts that were never written.
}
} Realities do not just create themselves. They are created by authors in
} other realities. Thus, Captain Kirk is fiction in our reality, although
} he is quite real in his own. Pinky and The Brain (and others in that
} reality) have never heard of *our* reality, but that does not make you
} any less real. There are even some realities where I do not exist, or
} where I am an act of fiction -- and yet, I am able to answer you now.
}
} And when authors stop writing about an alternate reality, does that
} reality cease to exist? Of course not; if it did, we could not possibly
} watch "Star Trek" anymore. The phrase "All too real" demonstrates the
} immutable truth: just as government committees rarely dissolve, so too
} do realities. Once something is real, it remains real. For the same
} reason, failure to write "Melrose Place" scripts does not make the
} Melrose Place reality any less real.
}
} However, it does make the Melrose Place reality more difficult for mere
} mortals to view. Only the omniscient can see the Melrose Place future
} now. Fortunately, you have written to me. Here are just a few of the
} events in the future of the Melrose Place reality:
}
}   ** After the Supreme Court rules prostitution to be a form of freedom
}      of expression guaranteed by the constitution, Upstairs is
}      converted into a whorehouse. This turns out to be a very minor
}      change.
}
}   ** Kyle makes every effort to win custody of Sarah, even going so
}      far as to put on a clean shirt when he goes to court. The judge
}      recognizes the family name and instantly has a heart attack.
}      The case is postponed indefinitely.
}
}   ** Sarah wins a high school Nerd Triathlon, winning two out of
}      three events: Math, by solving 310 times 291 in her head, and
}      Spelling, by remembering that there are two A's in Aaron.
}
}   ** By the time Sarah is old enough for high-school, some of her
}      friends have parents who hate Aunt Terry. After a lecture on
}      "Guilt by association" they decide to hate Sarah too. Soon someone
}      announces "Get Sarah week" and the "pranks" begin. Almost all of
}      the "pranks" involve Sarah getting partially or completely nude in
}      public. The worst prank is when Sarah is blindfolded, gagged,
}      handcuffed to the boy's shower stalls, and stripped naked just
}      before football practice ends.  The pranks continue until the
}      would-be tormentors realize that Sarah likes it!
}
}      (By the way, this episode would have had the all-time highest
}      ratings of any television show ever, partly because of all the
}      calls to boycott the episode and the sponsors.)
}
}   ** In a plot borrowed from "Bewitched," Michael turns in to a
}      zebra, and none of his friends recognize him. Just as the police
}      start to investigate a missing person, Michael turns back into a
}      human. Michael thinks that the whole thing was some weird dream.
}
}   ** There's an epidemic of a new virus that releases sexual
}      inhibitions; almost everyone in the country finds themselves
}      unable to resist any opportunity for sex. Most of the regular
}      characters are soon suspected as possible "carriers" of this
}      disease, because their behavior is not affected.
}
}      Guest star: Andy Griffith as the sheriff who can't keep is pants
}      on. "Hey, Goober."
}
}   ** Melrose Place goes to Hawaii, for a surprise birthday party for
}      Ryan. For some reason, every single person that has ever been on
}      the show is invited. Since this occurs just before summer, the
}      party turns out to be a "flashback" session -- where people say
}      things like "oh, yeah, but remember that time you walked in on
}      her in the shower?" and then we flash back to scenes from that
}      episode.
}
}   ** Melrose Place goes to Hawaii, part 2. Because of some of the
}      more titillating flashbacks at the surprise party, many of the
}      guests are horny. They finally decide to begin the one act that
}      has been building up since Season 1: They have a group sex orgy.
}
}      Perhaps it's best that this one isn't going to be shown. Setting
}      camera angles to make it legal would have been a nightmare, and
}      some of these good-looking characters aren't nearly as
}      good-looking without clothes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new script for E.R.


1097-09    (3flea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, to whom any mortal endeavor is as easy as
> breathing, please help with this perplexing problem.
>
> I'm really stuck on this word problem from my Existential Calulus
> class.
>
> If an irrestible force was on a southbound train leaving from Boston at
> 4:37pm travelling at 5,467 furlongs per fortnight, and an immovable
> object was on a northbound train leaving from Atlanta at 5:15pm
> travelling at (the number of angels that can dance on the head of a
> pin) rods per mircomillenia answer the following questions.
>
> a)  At what time will they crash?
> b)  What will be the wavefunction of the resulting cosmic paradox?
>     (Assume all realities are ideal.)
> c)  How do you feel about this tragedy?  Justify.
>
> Now, while I could really use the above answers for class on Friday,
> I'm still trying to figure out how an immovable object can travel
> by train.  My deepest gratitude for any help you deign to give me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not too familiar with Calulus, but I can attempt an answer based
} on my general knowlegde of the world.
}
} First of all, an irresistable force (let's just call him "Don"
} for convenience) travelling south on a train, will likely make
} many stops along the way; reason being, that Don is a magnet for
} the ladies. He has to change his disguise every few hours, and his
} mode of transportation every six. So, at a stop in Pennsylvania,
} Don exits the train and rents a car. Three wrong turns later, Don is
} presumably in the middle of West Virginia, surrounded by three rather
} grubby looking men carrying Civil War era rifles and telling him how
} "purdy his lips is."
}
} Meanwhile, the immovable object's train was delayed.
}
} So, to answer your questions: (A) They won't, ever, (B) the
} wavefunction is irrelevent, and (C) what three grubby-looking men do
} on the privacy of their own property is none of my business.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket to anywhere but West Virginia.


1097-10    (gke49 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (answer given in the style of Matt Groening)
}
} +-----------------------+
} | > < | > > | < > | < > |
} |-----------------------|
} | < > | < > | < > | < > |
} |-----------------------|
} | < > | < > | < > | > > |
} |-----------------------|
} | < > | < < | < > | > < |
} +-----------------------+
}
} You owe the Oracle a new fez.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org