} Yes, supplicant, celebrate. While Rome burns, play your fiddle. Pay no
} attention to the man behind the curtain. And yet, how could you do
} otherwise? Lacking omniscience, you have no knowledge of the events yet
} to occur, the scripts that were never written.
} Realities do not just create themselves. They are created by authors in
} other realities. Thus, Captain Kirk is fiction in our reality, although
} he is quite real in his own. Pinky and The Brain (and others in that
} reality) have never heard of *our* reality, but that does not make you
} any less real. There are even some realities where I do not exist, or
} where I am an act of fiction -- and yet, I am able to answer you now.
} And when authors stop writing about an alternate reality, does that
} reality cease to exist? Of course not; if it did, we could not possibly
} watch "Star Trek" anymore. The phrase "All too real" demonstrates the
} immutable truth: just as government committees rarely dissolve, so too
} do realities. Once something is real, it remains real. For the same
} reason, failure to write "Melrose Place" scripts does not make the
} Melrose Place reality any less real.
} However, it does make the Melrose Place reality more difficult for mere
} mortals to view. Only the omniscient can see the Melrose Place future
} now. Fortunately, you have written to me. Here are just a few of the
} events in the future of the Melrose Place reality:
} ** After the Supreme Court rules prostitution to be a form of freedom
} of expression guaranteed by the constitution, Upstairs is
} converted into a whorehouse. This turns out to be a very minor
} ** Kyle makes every effort to win custody of Sarah, even going so
} far as to put on a clean shirt when he goes to court. The judge
} recognizes the family name and instantly has a heart attack.
} The case is postponed indefinitely.
} ** Sarah wins a high school Nerd Triathlon, winning two out of
} three events: Math, by solving 310 times 291 in her head, and
} Spelling, by remembering that there are two A's in Aaron.
} ** By the time Sarah is old enough for high-school, some of her
} friends have parents who hate Aunt Terry. After a lecture on
} "Guilt by association" they decide to hate Sarah too. Soon someone
} announces "Get Sarah week" and the "pranks" begin. Almost all of
} the "pranks" involve Sarah getting partially or completely nude in
} public. The worst prank is when Sarah is blindfolded, gagged,
} handcuffed to the boy's shower stalls, and stripped naked just
} before football practice ends. The pranks continue until the
} would-be tormentors realize that Sarah likes it!
} (By the way, this episode would have had the all-time highest
} ratings of any television show ever, partly because of all the
} calls to boycott the episode and the sponsors.)
} ** In a plot borrowed from "Bewitched," Michael turns in to a
} zebra, and none of his friends recognize him. Just as the police
} start to investigate a missing person, Michael turns back into a
} human. Michael thinks that the whole thing was some weird dream.
} ** There's an epidemic of a new virus that releases sexual
} inhibitions; almost everyone in the country finds themselves
} unable to resist any opportunity for sex. Most of the regular
} characters are soon suspected as possible "carriers" of this
} disease, because their behavior is not affected.
} Guest star: Andy Griffith as the sheriff who can't keep is pants
} on. "Hey, Goober."
} ** Melrose Place goes to Hawaii, for a surprise birthday party for
} Ryan. For some reason, every single person that has ever been on
} the show is invited. Since this occurs just before summer, the
} party turns out to be a "flashback" session -- where people say
} things like "oh, yeah, but remember that time you walked in on
} her in the shower?" and then we flash back to scenes from that
} ** Melrose Place goes to Hawaii, part 2. Because of some of the
} more titillating flashbacks at the surprise party, many of the
} guests are horny. They finally decide to begin the one act that
} has been building up since Season 1: They have a group sex orgy.
} Perhaps it's best that this one isn't going to be shown. Setting
} camera angles to make it legal would have been a nightmare, and
} some of these good-looking characters aren't nearly as
} good-looking without clothes.
} You owe the Oracle a new script for E.R.