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Internet Oracularities #1098

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1098, 1098-01, 1098-02, 1098-03, 1098-04, 1098-05, 1098-06, 1098-07, 1098-08, 1098-09, 1098-10


Internet Oracularities #1098    (74 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 08:39:21 -0500 (EST)

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   1098
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1098  74 votes 8kgeg 5apke 7fxg3 7ero2 2goma 4mug2 75jrg 7eqi9 6esga 7fklb
1098  3.2 mean  3.1   3.4   2.9   3.0   3.3   2.9   3.5   3.1   3.1   3.2


1098-01    (8kgeg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Before you answer, a list of things to remember:
>
> Don't assume that by insults, you can make your answer funny; insults
> are almost never funny on their own.
>
> Remember to make sure you're not using Microsoft Outlook, as it _will_
> make you look like an idiot. I don't care if it came with your
> computer, try to use something that actually sends what you write.
>
> Don't respond with some variant of "I don't know". When combined with
> Outlook, this is the #1 bane of supplicants everywhere.
>
> If you don't have a funny response, let the question fall back in the
> queue. You'll be less likely to be flamed by a priest.
>
> Don't include the text of the question. It never helps, as in both the
> digests and the response sent to the supplicant, the question _is_
> included.
>
> If you see the same question you responded to twice, it usually means
> that the supplicant found your response unfunny.
>
> Avoid stealing from other sources. Parody and pastiche are okay, but
> stealing outright is considered bad form for an incarnation.
>
> Don't feel required to write a response, even if you're seeing "The
> Oracle's queue is getting rather full".
>
> This has been a public service announcement.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, marvellous, witty supplicant, I am responding to you using Mutt
} 0.95.4i, a text-only mailer whose configuration file syntax makes small
} children and executives shriek. I know exactly what you mean. If I
} didn't have a funny response, I wouldn't be replying to you. I won't
} repeat your question, because I'm sure you remember it, and you would
} hardly be so absent-minded as to ask your old Oracle the same question
} twice. I just searched DejaNews for this answer and didn't find it
} anywhere, so I'm quite certain that it's original. It's no problem
} writing a response--I don't mind at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a perfect score of 5.0, evidently.


1098-02    (5apke dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Able to parallel park a flying saucer, he is the Oracle, a deity who
> would never go for hours with his turn signal blinking on and off and
> on and off and on and off and on and off;
>
> Why doesn't the USA plant trees all over their dang deserts (using
> water from the Colorado) instead of crabbing at people in South America
> to stop cutting down trees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And now, a point by point rebuttal.
}
}       1.  They'd die.
}
} The Oracle commands you study some biology, then ask again.


1098-03    (7fxg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Curious that NATO would have targeted AOL's central switching station
} in Dulles, Virginia, but I'm sure it can be justified as a legitimate
} military target.
}
} You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet more often.


1098-04    (7ero2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Hunter watched with satisfaction as the dart struck the
} unsuspecting Supplicant right in upper arm.  Already the toxin caused
} his muscles to twitch, first to jerk the mouse over the send icon, then
} to push the mouse button and fling the mouse away.  Later he would fall
} into a deep slumber and forget all about the Oracle.  When the Oracle
} receives another half message, he will know the Hunters still keep
} their promise.  The W**dch*ck question will never be asked again.


1098-05    (2goma dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One queue to rule them all,
> One queue to find them,
> One queue to bring them all,
> And in the digests bind them,
> In the Land of Indiana
> Where IUVAX lies.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Wow," said Quedo. "it -is- a magic askme after all!"
}
} "Yes,"  said Zotdolf. "and it must be destroyed in the fires of
} volcanic Mount Angroan where the good coffee grows! The fastest way to
} do that would be to call the King of the Eagles to come and get the
} askme then fly to the volcano and drop it in."
}
} "Shouldn't we undergo a lot of repetitive and predictable adventures by
} carrying it there ourselves?"
}
} "Listen Quedo, I'm a wizard. Trust me on this one."
}
} And so the evil askme was destroyed that very afternoon saving all of
} mankind from having to learn the names of a whole lineage of annoying
} elves.
}
} You owe the Oracle Psalms 139:16 written on the head of a statue of
} clay.


1098-06    (4mug2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle whose breath is sweeter than Traci's.....
>
> Why is my SMTP so slow ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know several SMTP's, and they're all slow:
}
} Six-man tackle polo: The game keeps getting interrupted for fouls,
} because no one understands the rules, which are not much like those of
} ordniary polo.
}
} Spitball Manufacturing and Testing Program: has suffered delays because
} the researchers keep getting caught and sent to the principal's office.
}
} Standard missile transfer protocol: Of course if the government is
} going to make a missile delivery system publicly available, it has to
} be pretty lousy. Our security would be compromised if they gave away
} their best military secrets.
}
} Sado-masochism and Tupperware party: not enough people interested in
} both to make a good party.
}
} Statistical mechanics term paper: not good material for an
} action-packed thriller.
}
} You owe the Oracle a PRGH.


1098-07    (75jrg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now. No need to feel embarassed. Premature emailulation is very
} common, especially with your first question. Just relax and we'll try
} again later.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


1098-08    (7eqi9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arrrrrr!  Where be the gold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'The gold cap is on the third bicuspid Doctor Hook.'
}
} Arrrrr, so it is me matey. Now open wide young fellar.
}
} 'Doctor, would you like to use this probe?'
}
} Arrr, I got me hook ye fool, What need have I fer
} a landlubberish probe?
}
} 'Doctor Hook! You've perforated the patient's cheek with
} your hook. Egods! Blood is spurting everywhere!'
}
} Arrrr, so it is. Suction matey, suction.
}
} 'Doctor I think the patient is trying to speak.'
}
} Arrr, I can't be workin' with both him and you a gabbin'
} at me. Give me me blunderbuss.
}
} '!'
}
} Now, or you'll be in Davy Jone's Waiting Room!
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a rescheduled appointment.


1098-09    (6esga dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This question intentionally left blank.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As well This question should, seeing how blank was cheating on her.


1098-10    (7fklb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Highly renowned and celebrated Oracle, could you squeeze this question
> into your heavy schedule perhaps? I thank you.
>
> Would it be too inaccurate to volcanic eruptions as a Sign From Below?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well. Lets make a call to the one who will know....
}
} <RING RING> .... <Chk...> Hello youp have reached "ARghghghghghgh...!!"
} <...
} To reach Satan, press 1
} To reach Beelzebub press 4
} To reach your mother-in-law press 6
} To reach your nearest neighbourhood drug-dealer press 9
} To reach the closest "Tyrannys R Us" representative, press 8
} To reach Chthulu press 7
} To hear a list of your sins press 2
} To hear a list of the corresponding punishments press 5
} To press 4 press 7
} To press 6 press 8
} To press 1 press 4
} To press 'Yes' press hash
} To press 'No' press 3
} To press an even number, press the next number up.
} To press an odd number press the number mutiplied by two divided by
} it's square root.
} To hear this list of options again, please hang up and redial.
} Have an infernal day....
} ....>
}
} Hrm.. okay... let see.. Satan.. <Beep beep boop beep>
}
} <... Here is the list of your Sins...>
}
} <covers handset>
} Ahem.. whoops... lets try that again
} <Boop beepy boop>
} <... Please hold... transferring you...>
} <Music to Night on Bald Mountain played on an out of tune bagpipe>
} Hrm... definitely hell...
} <Brrr Brr....Chk>
} Satan: Lo... Infernal Inferno's Satan speaking..
} IO: Saty bayyybeee!!!
} Satan: Orrie?! Hey!! how are ya? hows things in the Oraculling business?
} IO: Not too bad at all Satie-boy not too bad... Listen...  I've got
}     a question here for ya...
} Satan: What? You mean one you can't answer on your..
} IO: AHEM... what do you think everyone would think if I told them
}     about the time you saved a sou..
} Satan: *cough* oh umm.. Don't do that... reputation to maintain
}        and all! Okay Orrie, whats the question?
} IO: Okay here it is....
}     > Would it be too inaccurate to volcanic eruptions as a Sign From
}     > Below?
} Satan: Who does this person think they are? Did he have a worthwhile
}        grovel?
} IO: hrpmh Barely.. but better than some I've gotten...  can ya help?
} Satan: Lemme check up ...
} <sound of another phone being dialed>
} <murmer of voices>
} Satan: Oh okay... yah.. <returns to phone> Oh Orrie?  Yah.. Chthulu
}        apologises.. He's been at the Bean and Cabbage Surprise with the
}        Onion and Chili garnish again.
} <Sudden horrific scream echoes down the line>
} Satan: Oh bugger... just when I'm busy... That was the door Damn it..
}        I *knew* God had a reason for giving us the Mormons... always
}        knocking on my door... Gotta go.. nice talkin to ya Orrie.
} IO: yep... cya Satie
} <Click>
}
} Well there you go Supplicant.. Volcanic eruptions are simply a sign
} that it's time to skip the cafeteria meal in Hell.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gas-mask and a good sequel to Zork Grand
} Inquisitor.


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