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Internet Oracularities #1099

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1099, 1099-01, 1099-02, 1099-03, 1099-04, 1099-05, 1099-06, 1099-07, 1099-08, 1099-09, 1099-10


Internet Oracularities #1099    (71 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 08:26:57 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   1099
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1099  71 votes 9etd6 8jrb6 6ekm9 8xja1 8lnf4 9ohe7 49po9 2bGb5 hoo33 5hqj4
1099  2.9 mean  2.9   2.8   3.2   2.5   2.8   2.8   3.4   3.1   2.3   3.0


1099-01    (9etd6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me Great Oracle, what kind of hope is there for humans
> of today? Is not their helpless infirmity, no better than
> dreams, in which the blind generations of men are shackled?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Looking for hope in an increasingly hopeless world?  Need
} something to look forward to so you'll bother to get out of bed in
} the morning?
}       Then look no further, for the Oracle's Discount House of Destiny
} is selling hopes, dreams and inspiration at bargain basement
} prices.  Now here's your basic model, the Hope for the Future.
} Today sucks; Tomorrow still be better.  Frankly, its so useless we give
} it out as a free sample, the so called Newbie user.  After a couple
} of hard slams with reality, they either want to junk hope altogether
} or upgrade to one of our other options.
}       For example we have our Hope in a Higher Power;  basically
} the hope that something else will swoop in and fix everything.
} It comes in many designer flavors, such as God, governement, aliens,
} and faith in humanity.  Then, we have are Hope in Blind Luck also knwon
} as our Chaos Theory Package.  It is best summed by our slogan, "Hey,
} you never know."  Options include lottery, casino, bingo, and stock
} market.  Lastly, for those who want hope without the optimism we have
} our Hope for Armegheddon package.  Options include nuclear, shotgun,
} and postal worker.  We hope you find the hope appropriate for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Hope Diamond.


1099-02    (8jrb6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is wittgenstein's picture theory of the proposition correct?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1      Wittgenstein was crazy.
} 1.2    Three of his siblings committed suicide.
} 2      His best idea was  "What we cannot speak about we must pass over
}        in silence."
} 2.1    He didn't take his own advice and kept blabbing on.
} 2.1.1  Thank goodness he only wrote one book.
} 3      The twit gave away an inherited fortune.
} 4      Was company card shark during the war.
} 4.1    This was the only time common men held him in high regard.
} 5      He suppressed his sexuality.
} 5.1    He died of prostrate cancer.
} 6      Died owing Gottlob Frege two horses and a goat from weird bet.
} 7      Tell them not to watch "It's a Wonderful Life".
} 7.1    Odd last words foretold the future.
} 7.1.1  Widely misquoted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tee shirt that says, "Deal With It".


1099-03    (6ekm9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It has been a spell since I last heard from the Oracle, I miss his
> wonderful advice and cooing voice,
>
> Will the neighbors ever quit yelling at each other?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It's tough ruling Switzerland, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle some chocolate and a watch.


1099-04    (8xja1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Time for a bit of music, I think. Let's look through my collection...
> hmmm... what shall we listen to... AHA! Monty Python sings the Spice
> Girls...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's compare!
}
} SPICE GIRLS           MONTY PYTHON
} ===============================================
} 5 members           | 6 original members, now 5
} -----------------------------------------------
} Dress up funny      | Dress up funny
} -----------------------------------------------
} Members break       | Members break
} up to do various    | up to do various
} solo projects       | solo projects
} -----------------------------------------------
} Never seen together | Never seen together
} -----------------------------------------------
} Formed after Monty  | Split up soon after
} Python split up     | losing 6th member
} -----------------------------------------------
}
} Coincidence? - WE THINK NOT!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Spice Gumby


1099-05    (8lnf4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle serious and starlike,
>
>  What is 'emme ya'/'Sirius C' ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite many coverups by the US and Egyptian governments, I still get
} many questions about this, so I'll refer you to the FAQ.  I hope you
} don't mind such an impersonal response.
}
} [From the False-Dwarf-Sightings FAQ, part 19]
}
} Q02604: What is Emme Ya?
}
} A: Emme Ya is the giant Nommos-built soulfreighter used to transport
}    souls about 8 light years, from Earth to the final resting place of
}    souls, Sirius.  It is a slower-than-light type craft, and last
}    visited Earth in 1359.  At the time of its last visit, much contact
}    was made between the crew and _living_ humans in Mali, due to a
}    navigation error.
}
}    The ship was able to get away with a full load of souls bound for
}    Sirius, dropped them off in 1799, and then continued on to some
}    other inhabited planets as part of its rounds.
}
}    Unfortunately, during the crew's contact with humans on Earth, Dogon
}    mythology was corrupted as a side-effect.  For example, when the
}    Nommos aliens tried to explain that their ship was
}    slower-than-light, this was corrupted as meaning "not light" or
}    "heavy".  When Dogons came into contact with western scientists in
}    the early 20th century, the westerners interpreted Dogon tales as
}    meaning that they should look for a second companion (a dense white
}    dwarf) in orbit about Sirius.  None was found, in spite of the large
}    mass of the Emma Ya soulfreighter, because it had left the Sirius
}    system over a hundred years earlier.
}
}    This had led to much controversy.  See FAQ entry 00595 "Carl Sagan
}    vs. the Nommos space frogs -- Who won?", 02605 "Are white dwarves
}    just an amalgomation of the full spectrum of all seven dwarves?",
}    and 01002 "Does ST:TNG fourth season episode 'First Contact' contain
}    good ideas for how to approach dwarves when metal workers go on
}    strike?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a research paper on the question of dwarven women:
} are they bearded or not?


1099-06    (9ohe7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, it's horrible.  I'm under so much responsibility, and the
> only way to escape from it is to become physically ill and unable to
> do it any longer due to my health.  Unfortunately, that seems to be
> precisely what's happening; over the past weeks I've had all sorts of
> different problems, and as soon as one goes away, another takes it
> place, and I know it's all connected to the stress of doing a good
> enough job and living up to the rank I've been given. Because this
> is completely neurotic and would never bother any normal person
> in my place, I've felt obligated to do my best to ignore my terror
> and stick with it, and not quit, but every month that grinds on, it
> becomes more and more crushing, and though I've mentally kept things
> under control to the greatest extent I can (just agonizing for hours
> over trivial things that would never bother anyone else, and being
> terrified of how long I can continue fulfilling my responsibility and
> everyone's expectations), I think I'm actually becoming ill to escape
> it, because the only thing that can possibly overcome my resolve is
> if I'm in actual physical torment.  I absolutely, unshakeably cannot
> give this up, but I can't continue under such constant, horrifying
> anxiety either, leaving this the only possible way out, which my
> unconscious mind is striving to implement.  I haven't any concept of
> how to cope adequately with the pressures I've placed upon myself,
> yet there's no way I can bring myself to quit, and even if I did,
> I'd only be running away from a problem that's sure to confront me the
> rest of my life, wherever I go, whatever responsibilities I take on.
>
> Orrie, you're beyond wonderful.. I don't know what I'd do without you.
> Any ideas on how to reconcile this terrible conflict?
>
> Thanks for listening.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr Tyson,
}
} While I'm sorry to hear about your recent spat of problems, I'm afraid
} that calling in sick to Don King won't get you out of that next Title
} Fight with Evander. You're just going to have to step into the ring,
} and bite his other ear off - now STOP WHINING about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle more money than Don King will get from your next
} fight.


1099-07    (49po9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and bouncy Oracle, who invented coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I'll put it to you this way.  How do *you* think the world got
} made in six days?
}
} You owe the Oracle a mocha latte.


1099-08    (2bGb5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, I am the owner of a small country that few people know of.
> I would like to know how I can get the Americas to bomb my fair
> country so people will know I exist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Generalissimo, there are many things you could try.  Here is a
} small list:
}
} 1.  Invade New York.
} 2.  Bang your shoe to get attention in the U.N.
} 3.  Start a land war in Asia.
} 4.  Get Uncle Duke to be your ambassador.
} 5.  Get a really good Olympic team and beat the Americas in soccer and
}     then boycott the next year's Olympics.
} 6.  Challenge Clinton to a Quake deathmatch.
} 7.  Why wait?  Bomb them first!  Lots of bombs available on the Russian
}     black market.
} 8.  Make prank phone calls to the White House.
} 9.  Hold a telethon in which people send you bombs instead of money.
} 10. Gain most favored nation status and build an embassy somewhere
}     where the US *is* bombing.
}
} You owe The Oracle an autographed copy of The Mouse That Roared.


1099-09    (hoo33 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh lighter than air Oracle, who never needed to use Richard Simmons'
> "Deal Meal", who snubs Jenny Craig without remorse, who would never
> even CONSIDER attending a Tae Bo class, please tell me:
>
> I've heard that the Library at Indiana U is sinking because the
> architects failed to take into account the weight of all the books.
> Did Zadoc design the library, or is this just another spurious tale
> put about by the w**dc***ks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And if the library's sinking
} ----------------------------
}
} Orrie hangs behind the glass, above Lisa's door
} His staff of zot boasts lots of volts fresh charged the day before
}
} And you couldn't find Zadoc if you nailed the wall to his face
} But T.I.O. says Zadoc's a waste of space
}
} And if the library's sinking we're in trouble
} 'Cause the server is down there and it's going to wind up rubble
}
} They come in bent-backed, creaking 'cross the floor all dressed in
} black Priests, bowing deeply
} He can make them lick the floor
}
} And the ceiling's made of gold, and all the books are there
} The geeks come here to see Lisa and stare
}
} And if the library's sinking we're in trouble
} 'Cause the server is down there and it's going to wind up rubble
}
} We put books on the shelves
} The place began to sink
} The job those civil engs. did sure does stink
}
} Of a lack of expertise, and the work of woodchuck twits
} So bad it leaves me laughing, leaves me feeling that of course if..
}
} ...the library's sinking we're in trouble
} 'Cause the server is down there and it's going to wind up rubble
} And if the library's sinking we're in trouble
} 'Cause the server is down there and it's going to wind up rubble


1099-10    (5hqj4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you ever get that strange feeling of Deja Vu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't I just answer that?
}
} You owe the Oracle a rerun.


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