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18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:19:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #11

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11, 11-01, 11-02, 11-03, 11-04, 11-05, 11-06, 11-07, 11-08, 11-09, 11-10


Usenet Oracularities #11
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Oct 89 00:25:42 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


11-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the hell did she go and fall in love with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you sprayed yourself liberally with pheromones, wore your best
} clothing and your $65,000 UltraSex watch, took her to Paris for a week
} for her birthday, gave her a gold ring larger than many Latin American
} nations, and had the CIA beam secret telepathic instructions into her
} brain.  Why do you think, dodo?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of fudge.


11-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many inches measures the Earth, pole to pole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A brave troop of sixty-three inches are trying to measure the Earth from
} pole to pole.  They started with one hundred eighty-two inches in April,
} 1987, but many of them have died since then --- fourty from the great
} English Units plague of 1988.  They are still hopeful, though they have
} lost the cheery look that they once had, and most of them are shriveled
} and shrunken.
}
} Still, they're doing better than the band of brave Angstrom units which
} are trying to measure the Moon, pole to pole...
}
} You owe the Oracle two metric conversion tables.


11-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, but what time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is the best of times, the worst of times.  It is a time to be born, a
} time to die, a time to rejoice, a time to mourn, a time to sow, a time
} to reap, a time to read news, a time to post, a time to enact
} legislation calling for the building of seven new stadiums in Washington
} DC, a time to repeal all laws concerning tofu, a time to go fishing in
} the desert, a time to go mountain-climbing at the bottom of the ocean, a
} time to act like a chicken in front of your boss, a time to act like a
} boss in front of your chicken.  It's *NOW*.


11-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that every morning I start out with good intentions, but end
> up wasting every day away asking silly questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your intentions are the silly things. The questions are the meaningful
} portion of your life. Try starting every morning with silly intentions,
} and you will end up spending the day asking good questions.


11-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and knowledgeable Oracle! O keeper of all Great Wisdoms!
> O Font of San-serifed Knowledge! I pray answer my question:
>
> Why do so many people ask a computer about sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People, being the slaves of sex, are unable to think clearly about it.
} Computers, being immune to the allure of sex, would seem to be able to
} understand it.  This is actually wrong, as computers asked too much
} about sex soon get very interested in digitized nudes and raunchy
} fortune programs.


11-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is there anyone here who isn't a total geek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, your question is indeed a tough one.  To discuss this we must first
} define the limits and definition of geekdom.  First people who ask
} really stupid questions, such as "Is there anyone here who isn't a total
} geek?" are merely annoucing to the world how geeky they are.  Second all
} people who would try to seek wisdom by use of their computer must also
} be a geek.  [not to mention for someone to combine the two is almost
} maximising geekyness] Now the person who answers them is a cool and
} rational manor is probably not a geek.  [However if the answer is made
} hot-headly and abruptly they are] The last concrete proof of geekness is
} by saying or implying that the speaker is not a geek, anyone who is not
} a geek need not tell the world it should be obvious.
}
} In short, yes there are people here who are not geeks.


11-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Que devient le monde quand je dors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While you sleep gremlins crawl out of their places of hiding and
} shadows of your inner world become real. The world of your dreams is
} the real world, in your sense of measuring fact.
}
} Remember your dreams and live life fully.


11-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are cats for?  Why are they here?  Why do they have tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cats are here for sizing standards for rooms.  (I.e., "that room wasn't
} big enough to swing a cat in") The tails, of course, are things that you
} swing the cat by.  If it weren't for the tail, one would perhaps have to
} insert a finger in an oriface, or use one of the four legs, resulting in
} a smaller standard for the size of a room.
}
} You now owe the oracle a root beer and the head of Richard Nixon.
} Should you refuse to pay, your oldsmobile will develop negative fuel
} economy.  you have been warned.


11-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What method of suicide is the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dying of old age: it takes the longest and most planning.


11-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why, oh why, dear Oracle, does my employer insist on me
> getting my beard cut off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it makes you look ugly.  Then again, cutting it off won't help
} much.


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