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Internet Oracularities #110

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110, 110-01, 110-02, 110-03, 110-04, 110-05, 110-06, 110-07, 110-08, 110-09, 110-10


Usenet Oracularities #110    (16 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Jan 90 18:53:17 GMT

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110   16 votes 23443 02572 11725 25522 22741 12553 14227 36430 43432 62530
110   3.1 mean  3.2   3.6   3.6   2.8   3.0   3.4   3.6   2.4   2.8   2.3


110-01    (23443 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My flatmate says she is going to get a tie-dye hession rug to throw
> over the couch. How can I snap her out of these hippy tendancies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She must be deprogramed.  To start, find a large white room with plain,
} white walls and a large jello filled swimming pool.  Place her in this
} room and tell her that she is an ameoba.  Continue to do this until she
} really believes that she is an amoeba.  After this you can start
} reprogramming her to be a useful productive member of the flat.  Take
} her up through all the levels of evolution (ie.  amoeba, slug,
} politician, yuppies, heavy metal groupie, system administrators,
} neanderthals, Elvis, The Monkeys, and finally a normal, well adjusted
} human being).
}
} If this method fails try again, but take her all the way back to IRS
} representative (three levels below amoeba).
}
} Barring all else acquire a large blunt object.  Proceed to pummel her on
} the head and neck until common sense is restored.
}
} You owe the Oracle 75 boxes of jello and a normal well adjusted human
} wearing a tie-dyed left shoe.


110-02    (02572 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gene got to go to Usenix!  Mark got to go to Usenix!!  Even *Stephen
> Kinzler* got to go to Usenix!!!!  How come *I* don't get to go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gene got to go because of a karmic refraction of good deeds done in
} pre-Revolution France.
}
} Mark got to go because he ate his beans as a child.
}
} Stephen Kinzler got to go because he is Stephen Kinzler, and has clout
} on astral planes beyond your comprehension.
}
} You didn't get to go because you're an insufferable putz.
}
}
} I'm glad I could make this clear.


110-03    (11725 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose orafices contain the universe,
>
> Given the current socio-economic clime, is it in my fiscal best
> interests to begin a rampage of violence and debauchery in the hopes of
> establishing a fraudulent new religion, or should I just sit back,
> chill, and be mellow?
>
> Answer quickly, if you could.  I have a friend coming over tonight and
> we haven't made any definite plans...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is afraid (that's a manner of speech, of course -- the Oracle
} is not really afraid) that the current socio-economic clime has very
} little to do with your future.
}
} Instead, discusted with the Oracle's answer, you and your friend (who,
} by the way, is hiding something from you) will watch MTV, eat
} malted-milk balls, and drink too much beer and tequila while making rude
} comments to each other.
}
} Tomorrow morning, after having also rejected the Oracle's advice to take
} plenty of vitamins B-complex and C with your alchohal, you will have a
} truly collossal hangover.  (The Oracle doesn't know why the Oracle
} bothers with you at all since you never listen.) You will then stumble
} into a (sober) nun of the Church of the Orange Flavored Mints of Our
} Sweet-breathed Lady who will capture your heart with her effective
} self-defense techniques.  After you regain consciousness, she will help
} you up from the ground and you will experience a profound revelation and
} convert instantly.  You will spend the rest of this decade serving the
} nuns in whatever capacity they require, and will end the millenium with
} an alergy to oranges and some disgusting habits.
}
} The Oracle recommends that you put your worldly affairs in order
} tonight, take B-complex and C before you drink, and watch your friend
} very carefully.
}
} You owe the Oracle some nasty habits, payable in 2001.


110-04    (25522 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most wise and humble oracle through whose ventricle all
> wisdom flows, and who is most learned in epistemology:
>
>       Consider the phrase "up chuck".  If I had ever stopped to
> think about it, as a youth, I should have ventured that this derived
> from the word "chuck" meaning "to throw", and thus quite literally
> means "to throw up".  But in they fullness of maturity (as witnessed
> by my preoccupations) I considered that "chuck" means food, chow, as
> in "chuck wagon", and that "up" can be used as a verb.  Perhaps, I
> thought, "up chuck" means literally, "to loft chow".  And yet again,
> perhaps the phrase "up chuck" is merely onomonopoeic, as sound
> resembling the sound of the action itself.
>
>       I ask you, oh oracle, which of these interpretations is
> correct, and why would a 41 year old professor bother his graying
> head about these matters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear humble servant of mine, Don't think that any of your choices are
} correct.  What the phrase "up chuck" really means is to lift the man
} named chuck up into the air so that he may retrieve the meal that you
} have thrown up.


110-05    (22741 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is God's e-mail address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I was sworn in as high and mighty Oracle many centuries ago, I
} was given many Secrets.  Since I need to talk frequently with God, I
} was given his e-mail address, but I am not supposed to let it slip
} into the hands of mere mortals.  Since I am feeling particularly
} frisky today, I will ask God if I can let it slip to you, but you must
} protect it with your life.
}
} Mighty Oracle: God?
} God: Yes?
} O: There's a human here who want to know your e-mail address.
} G: I see.  That's very dangerous information.  Merely uttering it in
} the vicinity of a computer can cause an army of angels to appear
} indignantly.  Let me tell you, there is nothing more unpleasant than
} an indignant angel.
} O: Yes, I know.  But, he swears he will take extreme care.  Besides,
} what is the use of an e-mail address if no one on Earth knows it.
} G: Oh, very well.  Tell him.
}
} God's e-mail address is <<a hoarde of pissed angels appear and erase
} the address>>.


110-06    (12553 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to seduce a squid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no "best" way to seduce a squid:  the proper method depends on
} the time, place, and the characteristics of the mollusk you wish to
} engage with.
}
} But have hope!  Here are some helpful hints to get you in the running
} with your tentacled sweetheart:
}
}      1) Make sure the object of your affection is a squid and
}         not an octopus.  You can tell the difference between the
}         two by counting the tentacles (Ten for a squid, eight for
}         an octopus). Octopii are very shy creatures that prefer
}         to be by themselves.  Any effort to romantically engage
}         an octopus will surely result in an inky face.
}
}      2) Grow eight extra arms.  If you are too lazy or too rushed to
}         do this, then hop down to your local morgue and swipe some
}         off of the "customers."  A good microsurgeon should be able
}         to attach them correctly.  Just remember to get them in pairs!
}         You would look silly with six left arms and four right ones!
}         Either way, grow them in a radial arrangement around your chest.
}
}      3) Learn to breathe underwater.  After all, it would be a faux pas
}         to ask your SO to learn to breathe air.
}         Underwater breathing lessons are easy:  just tie a large rock
}         to your feet and jump in a swimming pool.  After about a half-
}         hour, you should have the hang of it.
}
}      4) Go see the squid.  Don't forget your breath spray!
}
} Of course, if by "squid" you meant a water polo player, then I regret to
} inform you that any effort on your part will be wasted.  Water polo
} players are eunichs as a result of overexposure to chlorinated water.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of East Indian Blue Octopus Writing Ink
} (jumbo size) and photos of you and your lover.


110-07    (14227 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me o-oracle...
>
> What on earth is 'Cheese Whiz'?
>
> ~FloYd

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The `Cheese Wiz', or the `Grand and Wonderful Wizard of Cheese' to use
} his full title, was once the supreme ruler and magician of the secret
} and magical Land of Cheese.  Cheese is divided into four regions, or
} Wedges (the Munchkin Wedge is the most famous); but surrounding Cheese
} there is an impassible and deadly Cracker.  The Cheese Wiz built a fair
} city at the center of Cheese, constructed entirely out of green cheese
} which he imported from the Moon.  Each Wedge was ruled by a witch.  The
} North and South Wedges were ruled by good Witches, who followed the
} Wiccan Rede and honored the Goddess and the God at Solstice, Equinox,
} and the other great holidays.  But the East and West were ruled by
} wicked witches (in the style of, say, Nancy Reagan rather than
} Starhawk), who preached Christian Fundamentalism and brought prejudice
} and woe to their subjects.
}
} Fortunately, a tornado carried a Missouri outhouse containing Dotty Gale
} and her little ferret Tutu.  Following the freedom-bringing model of the
} little ferret's namesake (the Archbishop Desmond Tutu, one of the
} leaders of the South African Independence Movement), Dotty and Tutu
} organized the Munchkin Liberation Front, and freed the Eastern Wedge.
} Dotty and Tutu then travelled to the Green Cheese City, hoping that the
} Cheese Whiz would send them home.  I'm sure you know the rest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the entire Cheese series, all 46 books and
} four comics.


110-08    (36430 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You should send that to question to the oracle!@
>                                     ^^^ oops, THE Oracle..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Ye of little grey matter:
}
}   I, being Omniscient, know exactly what you are trying to say, but if
} you can not take the time to phrase the question so that other readers
} can understand, I will not waste my time answering it.  To quote a
} popular game show host:  "Oops, you forgot to put it in the form of a
} question!"
}
} The Omniscient Oracle.


110-09    (43432 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, Most supreme knowledgeable one of the Universe, most
> simply amazing creature to walk the planet, too worthy to answer the
> questions of mortal scum such as myself *grovel, grovel*, He who is
> closer to God than the Pope himself, I ask thee, who hast more power in
> his pinky than the very tides of the oceans.  Is this enough originality
> in addressing you to get a date with Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, I'm surprised nobody has asked me sooner.  She told me that if
} anyone ever got the idea to ask me how, I should tell them exactly how
} to get in touch with her.  First, you...
}
} Uh...
}
} Hmmm.....
}
} Boy, I hate to tell you this but I seem to have forgotten.  Wow, I can't
} believe it.  She got this really hot-looking skimpy outfit she's been
} saving for her date too.  Hmph, I really have forgotten.  Well, it looks
} like you are out of luck.  Sorry.
}
}                                 - The Omniscient Oracle
}
} P.S.  I lied.  I was just having fun at your expense.  I actually do
}       remember.  I just won't tell you.  It sucks to be you, doesn't
}       it?


110-10    (62530 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, sing me a song about the pumpkins of Israel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a song
} By Marvin K. Trong
} And it sucks, and it's stupid, and it's much too long:
}
} Pumpkins lived in Israel,
} Quite some time ago.
} Pumpkins grew in Israel,
} Thru the sleet and the hail and the snow.
}
} They were raised and slaughtered in Israel,
} They were eaten whole.
} They were grown in Israel,
} By some dumb ... asshole!
}
} Singing:
}
} Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did,
} And like they always will.
} And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin,
} Or they'll shoot you to - er -
}      hell.
}
} Then one pumpkin [whose name was Bob]
} Started getting pissed off.
} The farmer tried to ward him off, but...
} well, Bob blew his fist off.
}
} Chorus:
}
} Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did,
} And like they always will.
} And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin,
} Or they'll shoot you to hell.
}
} So, friends, before you kill that pumpkin,
} Heed the words of my song.
} Don't kill the pumpkin, be nice to it!
} Or you won't live very long...
}
} One more time:
}
} Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did,
} And like they always will.
} And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin,
} They'll shoot you to hell.
}
} And remember the pumpkins,
} Don't kill the pumpkins,
} Or they'll come back
} TO GET YOU!!!
}
} song by haphip@ucscb.


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