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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My flatmate says she is going to get a tie-dye hession rug to throw > over the couch. How can I snap her out of these hippy tendancies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She must be deprogramed.  To start, find a large white room with plain, } white walls and a large jello filled swimming pool.  Place her in this } room and tell her that she is an ameoba.  Continue to do this until she } really believes that she is an amoeba.  After this you can start } reprogramming her to be a useful productive member of the flat.  Take } her up through all the levels of evolution (ie.  amoeba, slug, } politician, yuppies, heavy metal groupie, system administrators, } neanderthals, Elvis, The Monkeys, and finally a normal, well adjusted } human being). } } If this method fails try again, but take her all the way back to IRS } representative (three levels below amoeba). } } Barring all else acquire a large blunt object.  Proceed to pummel her on } the head and neck until common sense is restored. } } You owe the Oracle 75 boxes of jello and a normal well adjusted human } wearing a tie-dyed left shoe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gene got to go to Usenix!  Mark got to go to Usenix!!  Even *Stephen > Kinzler* got to go to Usenix!!!!  How come *I* don't get to go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gene got to go because of a karmic refraction of good deeds done in } pre-Revolution France. } } Mark got to go because he ate his beans as a child. } } Stephen Kinzler got to go because he is Stephen Kinzler, and has clout } on astral planes beyond your comprehension. } } You didn't get to go because you're an insufferable putz. } } } I'm glad I could make this clear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose orafices contain the universe, > > Given the current socio-economic clime, is it in my fiscal best > interests to begin a rampage of violence and debauchery in the hopes of > establishing a fraudulent new religion, or should I just sit back, > chill, and be mellow? > > Answer quickly, if you could.  I have a friend coming over tonight and > we haven't made any definite plans...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is afraid (that's a manner of speech, of course -- the Oracle } is not really afraid) that the current socio-economic clime has very } little to do with your future. } } Instead, discusted with the Oracle's answer, you and your friend (who, } by the way, is hiding something from you) will watch MTV, eat } malted-milk balls, and drink too much beer and tequila while making rude } comments to each other. } } Tomorrow morning, after having also rejected the Oracle's advice to take } plenty of vitamins B-complex and C with your alchohal, you will have a } truly collossal hangover.  (The Oracle doesn't know why the Oracle } bothers with you at all since you never listen.) You will then stumble } into a (sober) nun of the Church of the Orange Flavored Mints of Our } Sweet-breathed Lady who will capture your heart with her effective } self-defense techniques.  After you regain consciousness, she will help } you up from the ground and you will experience a profound revelation and } convert instantly.  You will spend the rest of this decade serving the } nuns in whatever capacity they require, and will end the millenium with } an alergy to oranges and some disgusting habits. } } The Oracle recommends that you put your worldly affairs in order } tonight, take B-complex and C before you drink, and watch your friend } very carefully. } } You owe the Oracle some nasty habits, payable in 2001.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most wise and humble oracle through whose ventricle all > wisdom flows, and who is most learned in epistemology: > >       Consider the phrase "up chuck".  If I had ever stopped to > think about it, as a youth, I should have ventured that this derived > from the word "chuck" meaning "to throw", and thus quite literally > means "to throw up".  But in they fullness of maturity (as witnessed > by my preoccupations) I considered that "chuck" means food, chow, as > in "chuck wagon", and that "up" can be used as a verb.  Perhaps, I > thought, "up chuck" means literally, "to loft chow".  And yet again, > perhaps the phrase "up chuck" is merely onomonopoeic, as sound > resembling the sound of the action itself. > >       I ask you, oh oracle, which of these interpretations is > correct, and why would a 41 year old professor bother his graying > head about these matters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear humble servant of mine, Don't think that any of your choices are } correct.  What the phrase "up chuck" really means is to lift the man } named chuck up into the air so that he may retrieve the meal that you } have thrown up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is God's e-mail address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I was sworn in as high and mighty Oracle many centuries ago, I } was given many Secrets.  Since I need to talk frequently with God, I } was given his e-mail address, but I am not supposed to let it slip } into the hands of mere mortals.  Since I am feeling particularly } frisky today, I will ask God if I can let it slip to you, but you must } protect it with your life. } } Mighty Oracle: God? } God: Yes? } O: There's a human here who want to know your e-mail address. } G: I see.  That's very dangerous information.  Merely uttering it in } the vicinity of a computer can cause an army of angels to appear } indignantly.  Let me tell you, there is nothing more unpleasant than } an indignant angel. } O: Yes, I know.  But, he swears he will take extreme care.  Besides, } what is the use of an e-mail address if no one on Earth knows it. } G: Oh, very well.  Tell him. } } God's e-mail address is <<a hoarde of pissed angels appear and erase } the address>>.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to seduce a squid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no "best" way to seduce a squid:  the proper method depends on } the time, place, and the characteristics of the mollusk you wish to } engage with. } } But have hope!  Here are some helpful hints to get you in the running } with your tentacled sweetheart: } }      1) Make sure the object of your affection is a squid and }         not an octopus.  You can tell the difference between the }         two by counting the tentacles (Ten for a squid, eight for }         an octopus). Octopii are very shy creatures that prefer }         to be by themselves.  Any effort to romantically engage }         an octopus will surely result in an inky face. } }      2) Grow eight extra arms.  If you are too lazy or too rushed to }         do this, then hop down to your local morgue and swipe some }         off of the "customers."  A good microsurgeon should be able }         to attach them correctly.  Just remember to get them in pairs! }         You would look silly with six left arms and four right ones! }         Either way, grow them in a radial arrangement around your chest. } }      3) Learn to breathe underwater.  After all, it would be a faux pas }         to ask your SO to learn to breathe air. }         Underwater breathing lessons are easy:  just tie a large rock }         to your feet and jump in a swimming pool.  After about a half- }         hour, you should have the hang of it. } }      4) Go see the squid.  Don't forget your breath spray! } } Of course, if by "squid" you meant a water polo player, then I regret to } inform you that any effort on your part will be wasted.  Water polo } players are eunichs as a result of overexposure to chlorinated water. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of East Indian Blue Octopus Writing Ink } (jumbo size) and photos of you and your lover.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me o-oracle... > > What on earth is 'Cheese Whiz'? > > ~FloYd

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The `Cheese Wiz', or the `Grand and Wonderful Wizard of Cheese' to use } his full title, was once the supreme ruler and magician of the secret } and magical Land of Cheese.  Cheese is divided into four regions, or } Wedges (the Munchkin Wedge is the most famous); but surrounding Cheese } there is an impassible and deadly Cracker.  The Cheese Wiz built a fair } city at the center of Cheese, constructed entirely out of green cheese } which he imported from the Moon.  Each Wedge was ruled by a witch.  The } North and South Wedges were ruled by good Witches, who followed the } Wiccan Rede and honored the Goddess and the God at Solstice, Equinox, } and the other great holidays.  But the East and West were ruled by } wicked witches (in the style of, say, Nancy Reagan rather than } Starhawk), who preached Christian Fundamentalism and brought prejudice } and woe to their subjects. } } Fortunately, a tornado carried a Missouri outhouse containing Dotty Gale } and her little ferret Tutu.  Following the freedom-bringing model of the } little ferret's namesake (the Archbishop Desmond Tutu, one of the } leaders of the South African Independence Movement), Dotty and Tutu } organized the Munchkin Liberation Front, and freed the Eastern Wedge. } Dotty and Tutu then travelled to the Green Cheese City, hoping that the } Cheese Whiz would send them home.  I'm sure you know the rest. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the entire Cheese series, all 46 books and } four comics.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You should send that to question to the oracle!@ >                                     ^^^ oops, THE Oracle..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Ye of little grey matter: } }   I, being Omniscient, know exactly what you are trying to say, but if } you can not take the time to phrase the question so that other readers } can understand, I will not waste my time answering it.  To quote a } popular game show host:  "Oops, you forgot to put it in the form of a } question!" } } The Omniscient Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, Most supreme knowledgeable one of the Universe, most > simply amazing creature to walk the planet, too worthy to answer the > questions of mortal scum such as myself *grovel, grovel*, He who is > closer to God than the Pope himself, I ask thee, who hast more power in > his pinky than the very tides of the oceans.  Is this enough originality > in addressing you to get a date with Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, I'm surprised nobody has asked me sooner.  She told me that if } anyone ever got the idea to ask me how, I should tell them exactly how } to get in touch with her.  First, you... } } Uh... } } Hmmm..... } } Boy, I hate to tell you this but I seem to have forgotten.  Wow, I can't } believe it.  She got this really hot-looking skimpy outfit she's been } saving for her date too.  Hmph, I really have forgotten.  Well, it looks } like you are out of luck.  Sorry. } }                                 - The Omniscient Oracle } } P.S.  I lied.  I was just having fun at your expense.  I actually do }       remember.  I just won't tell you.  It sucks to be you, doesn't }       it?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, sing me a song about the pumpkins of Israel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a song } By Marvin K. Trong } And it sucks, and it's stupid, and it's much too long: } } Pumpkins lived in Israel, } Quite some time ago. } Pumpkins grew in Israel, } Thru the sleet and the hail and the snow. } } They were raised and slaughtered in Israel, } They were eaten whole. } They were grown in Israel, } By some dumb ... asshole! } } Singing: } } Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did, } And like they always will. } And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin, } Or they'll shoot you to - er - }      hell. } } Then one pumpkin [whose name was Bob] } Started getting pissed off. } The farmer tried to ward him off, but... } well, Bob blew his fist off. } } Chorus: } } Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did, } And like they always will. } And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin, } Or they'll shoot you to hell. } } So, friends, before you kill that pumpkin, } Heed the words of my song. } Don't kill the pumpkin, be nice to it! } Or you won't live very long... } } One more time: } } Oh, the pumpkins triumphed like they always did, } And like they always will. } And, kids, it's not nice to kill a pumpkin, } They'll shoot you to hell. } } And remember the pumpkins, } Don't kill the pumpkins, } Or they'll come back } TO GET YOU!!! } } song by haphip@ucscb.