} You are indeed correct -- it is going to be one of those days. Before
} I answer your question, let me offer you some of today's highlights:
} 10:00 -
} You arrive at work an hour late. That's not to say you don't enjoy
} your job -- you may only be an Assistant Paper Shuffler and Pen
} Twiddler at SlimeCorp, but you are a *well-paid* Assistant Paper
} Shuffler and Pen Twiddler. [Don't you mean "manager"? -Z] [No, then
} I would have left out the "Paper Shuffler" part. -O] The Chief Web
} Surfer and Solitaire Player in your division berates you, and you
} realize that one more wrong move will get your butt canned.
} 12:00 -
} In an attempt to play a practical joke on a "friend" of yours, you
} forge a cross-post to the entire alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
} hierarchy containing a request for "RELY HOT NOOD PIX", as well as
} explicit descriptions of several acts which I will not even attempt to
} detail here. (Really, though, an *EEL*?! I mean, I'm not exactly an
} easily offended deity, but one has to draw the line somewhere...) The
} highly elaborate forgery offers no clues as to its origin, save the
} fact that it includes your twenty-eight-line signature, complete with
} the official SlimeCorp logo and slogan ("Slime: It does a lawyer
} good"). Needless to say, this qualifies as "one more wrong move".
} 12:01 -
} Your online lover reads the above-mentioned post, and sends you an
} email detailing just how relieved she is that you aren't really named
} "Don", since "she" isn't really named "Loretta" either.
} 14:19 -
} Due to an unfortunate similarity between your address and that of drug
} lord Guido "The Intranym" Afuisti, your three bedroom house is raided
} by several hundred heavily armed agents from the DEA, BATF, NSA and
} several other TLAs. (No, it isn't a conspiracy -- in fact nearly
} everyone is surprised to see the NSA show up, considering that most
} geeky crypto types can't even aim, never mind operate, a weapon.)
} While the men-with-guns apologize for the error, they point out that,
} as is clearly stated in the new "Get Tough on Crime" laws passed
} overwhelmingly by the voters, they cannot be held liable for anything
} they do, including, just to give a few random examples here, burning
} your house down, pulverizing your car, and shooting your dog.
} Unable to afford a lawyer, you attempt to enlist the help of the ACLU,
} but they inform you that they can't be bothered with trivial Fourth
} Amendment matters such as these, with all the crosses being placed
} near public parks and other similar Crimes Against Humanity being
} committed, so why don't you just go f--- yourself, okay? The NRA is
} willing to take action, provided that you can prove that you owned at
} least fifteen semiautomatic assault rifles prior to the incident with
} the BATF. No other political organization with any power offers shows
} any interest, as you happen to be one of those godless heathen
} Northern Baptists, as opposed to a One True Southern Baptist.
} 23:38 -
} Despondent over the events of the day, and also over the fact that,
} had I responded to your question earlier, all of this could have been
} avoided, you finally snap and go on a shooting-
} No ... that can't be right. I'm responding to your question at this
} very moment. [Checks message headers] Oh, <cough>, it would appear
} that the queue was, er, backed up over the past few days, and that I,
} er, I *meant* to write:
} You are indeed correct -- it is going to be one of those days. It'll
} be just like yesterday, in fact, except that weather will be a bit
} hotter, and the country music a bit louder. Oh, and to answer your
} question, you might as well forget about changing the outcome of
} today, or any other day for the rest of eternity, for that matter.
} This is, after all, called "Bakersfield", I mean "Hell", for a reason.
} For reasons which must be painfully obvious by now, what you owe the
} Oracle doesn't exactly matter anymore.