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Internet Oracularities #1101

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1101, 1101-01, 1101-02, 1101-03, 1101-04, 1101-05, 1101-06, 1101-07, 1101-08, 1101-09, 1101-10


Internet Oracularities #1101    (71 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 10:26:19 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1101
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1101  71 votes 4uo85 49hsd 8ctf7 7qq93 9bmm7 dxk41 7inh6 3bpma 3eipb 5etg7
1101  3.0 mean  2.7   3.5   3.0   2.6   3.1   2.3   3.0   3.4   3.4   3.1


1101-01    (4uo85 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What specifically are the problems in a long-distance relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, in your case the problem is that they can't get the
} distance long enough.  Honestly, soap won't kill you, you know?
}       But that wasn't really your question.  The problems of
} long-distance relationships fall into two categories, things you can
} control, and things you can't control.  The main item in the
} second category is that she will met someone just like you only richer
} and better looking and without B.O. that can jam radio transmission.
} Of course, you can make the armpit noise thing, but the temptation
} is there.  But as I said you can't control that without patrolling
} the area with automatic weapons, and if you could do that then you'd
} be close enough to date.
}       So we should focus on what you can control, namely contacting
} the significant other often enough that you are not forgotten yet
} not so often that you seem insecure, and for long enough that you can
} really seem to be sharing each other's lives and yet not so long that
} you are unable to pay your rent.  As you can see the choice of your
} long distance carrier and Internet provider will prove vital to the
} continuing of this relationship.
}       Which is why I suggest you subscribe to O.T.I.S. right now!
}
} Yes. The Oracular Telephone and Internet Service, the fastest and
} easiest way to contact everyone.  As all space and time is one to
} me, there are no long distance rates!  There is no roaming charge!
} The Universe is your calling area!  (Multiverse calling available in
} some areas.)  And since I know everyone, our directory information
} is unsurpassed.  And all this for the low, low price of 5 times your
} weight in gold per month.  But for all you non-deities, we have a
} special offer.  Turn over your entire life to the Oracle now
} and receive the full O.T.I.S. package absolutely free!  Our operators
} are standing by!
}
}       Quite frankly, I think this is your best bet.  We'll keep
} you busy enough that you don't call too often, you can use the
} directory files to keep tabs on any rivals, and if you get her to
} join O.T.I.S. you'll be together forever and get a nifty bonus!
}
} You owe the Oracle your O.T.I.S. application form.


1101-02    (49hsd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, come over to the dark side of the queue...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About 15 minutes ago, at a terminal not too far from your own...
}
} [Cue the moving text effect thingy...]
}  Oracle Wars: Episode XXIV: The Familiar Menace
}
} It is a dark time in the galaxy. The release of Star Wars: Episode One:
} The Phantom Menace has resulted in the Internet Oracle being inundated
} with insipid Star Wars-related supplications. The Oracle himself begins
} gathering the priesthood together on the desert planet of Tattoedbutt
} in hopes of resolving the situation...
} [End moving text effect thingy...]
}
} [Scene: The Oracular Temple on Tattoedbutt. Two priests with
} exceptionally cool hair and accents are standing around in their robes,
} with zot staffs prominently visible.]
}
} Priest #1: Well, it looks as if we are in for a quick exposition via
} subtitles, insertion mid action, a couple or six action scenes, then
} the explosion of a large spacecraft, followed by a denoument that
} resembles a high school awards ceremony.
}
} Priest #2: Sounds about like the plan I read. How many times can you
} recycle the same plot?
}
} Priest #1: As long as people keep buying tickets and popcorn, I
} suppose.
}
} [Suddenly, someone's theme music begins to play]
}
} Priest #2: I sense a deep disturbance in the queue. As if some unseen
} force were making supplicants ask about a strange movie...
}
} Priest #1: Don't use the word force...you'll get us sued for sure!
}
} Priest #2: Right-o, I forgot about that.
}
} [An explosion rocks the room. Through a gaping hole that only recently
} appeared in the wall walks Darth Drainer, an especially annoying
} supplicant and Dark Lord of the Pith]
}
} Drainer: Come over to the dark side of the queue... you could never
} imagine the power I have! [oooh ahh oooh ahh breathing sounds]
}
} [Darth Drainer pulls back his cape to reveal an especially menacing
} double zot-wand. The priests respond by drawing their own weapons.]
}
} Priest #2: I guess it's time for the first lightsaber duel, eh Drainer?
}
} Drainer: Zot Wand! Zot Wand! Whatever you do, don't call the damn thing
} a lightsaber! What are you trying to do, get us sued?
}
} Priest #1: I was just talking to him about that. [to Priest #2:] You
} have much to learn, my young apprentice...
}
} Priest #2: I'm sorry, Master.
}
} [The characters begin to battle. ZOT!s fly around the room, breaking
} lots of furniture and setting many small fires, but it is clear the
} battle is a stalemate. The combantants deactivate their lightsabers
} ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hzot wands and face each other.]
}
} Priest #1: You are quite powerful, Drainer... but you can't win. You'll
} never be digested with a Star Wars parody. It just doesn't happen.
} They're boring and full of inside jokes that only the movie geeks get.
}
} Drainer: What do you know of being digested? I have the power of the
} dark side!!! We will meet again!
}
} [Darth Drainer turns and leaves]
}
} Priest #2: Why didn't you kill him, Master?
}
} Priest #1: You don't just kill a Lord of the Pith, young one.
} Especially not just five minutes in. Don't worry, we'll see him again.
} Usually, it's in about an hour.
}
} Priest #2: I'll be ready, master.
}
} [A shiny, slightly foppish droid ambles in.]
}
} CPR-H20: Oohhh! That was exciting, Master. Too exciting for a foppish
} droid, I should say. I will now panic and provide comic relief!
} Oooh!!!Oohh!!
}
} [Priest #2 cuts CPR-H20 in half with his zot wand. The pieces crash to
} the floor, and the droid's voice trails off into nothingness.]
}
} Priest #1: I say, you are almost ready for the trials. That was
} smashing!
}
} Priest #2: Thank you master. But isn't this incarnation getting rather
} long winded?
}
} Priest #1: Just like the movies...
}
} [Priest #1 and #2 walk off the set. We follow them as they walk across
} the back lot and find Darth Drainer munching on doughnuts by the snack
} table.]
}
} Priest #1: We've come to end it, Drainer. Either you stop with the Star
} Wars questions, or I zot you here and now.
}
} Darth Drainer: Bob, come on, man. Get out of character. Have a
} doughnut, you freak.
}
} Priest #1: It ends here.
}
} [Bob raises his Zot wand, but nothing happens. Priest #2 follows suit,
} and his weapon fails him as well.]
}
} Priest #1: What the fu...
}
} Drainer: The special effects boys aren't going to waste their time on
} shots we can't use, Bob. Joe, put that stupid broomstick down.
}
} Priest #2: He's winning, sir! What happened?
}
} Priest #1: Reality intruded. Next time we'll be ready, but I'm still
} within my 5-day waiting period for a handgun permit. Next time,
} Drainer!
}
} Drainer: Whatever, guys...See you tommorow for the big scene where I
} reveal that I was the first person to ask the w**dch*ck question.
}
} [Fade to Black]
}
} You owe the Oracle five prequels / sequels.


1101-03    (8ctf7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who is never in such a foul mood that he can't even
> think of an original grovel, should he ever need to grovel to anyone,
> which he doesn't, of course...
>
> Why is that whenever I put any *effort* into an answer, it ends up in
> the mailbox of one of those [expletive deleted] priests who wouldn't
> know a funny answer if it [figurative speech involving certain
> portions of the priestly anatomy deleted]?  You know the kind, the
> ones with the attention span of a cocaine-addicted fly, the ones who
> [more suggestive and highly inappropriate references deleted], and
> also [suggestions capable of making above-mentioned fly spew chunks
> all over [references to bodily excrement deleted] deleted], and who
> can't even [remainder of paragraph deleted to prevent modern
> civilization from collapsing overnight].
>
> Sorry for all the profanity, it's just that when you spend hours
> writing a well thought out, clever answer that would probably even
> "amuse" Queen Victoria, only to have it passed over in favor of
> answers like 1098-04, you really want to [highly violent suggestions
> involving the priesthood and a wide variety of devices outlawed by the
> Geneva Convention deleted, and Supplicant's name and address reported
> to local law enforcement, just in case...]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, you malodorous piece of [reference to bodily excrement
} deleted]...
}
} By some [The diety in the Judeo-Christian Tradition, and a structure
} that holds water] universal irony, I happen to have been the [gerund
} beginning with f, and ending with g deleted] incarnation for 1097-3,
} and it was my very first digest appearance ever! I was pretty [another
} word for darn] happy with myself until some son of a [another word
} for a female dog] decided to [colorful reference to urination] on
} my parade.
}
} I even called my [blessed] mother for Christ's sake! She doesn't even
} [f-g gerund again] know what the Internet Oracle is! She's just all,
} "That's nice dear." and [yet another reference to excrement].
}
} I can't believe this [several words and phrase considered offensive
} in at least two out of three NAFTA member countries deleted].
}
} Wait a minute. 1098-4. Oops. Guess I was just looking for 1097-3.
} Can't believe I just read that right in there.
}
} You're right. That pretty much [yes, the [f-g gerund] f-g gerund
} again] sucked.
}
} The [harsher form of goshdarned] Oracle owes *you* a [f-g gerund]
} apology.


1101-04    (7qq93 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are hot dogs called dogs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because of the size and shape, of course, except that that
} "Amorous Canine Organ" was a marketing failure, so they
} decided to try a euphemism.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ... ah, forget it.  This dog's on me.


1101-05    (9bmm7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> Many people have lived by the maxim, "Never trust anyone over 30."
> What do these people do when they turn 30?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They still claim that they live by that maxim, but for some reason you
} can't quite believe them.


1101-06    (dxk41 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, can you tell me about guacamole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Guacamole is a green paste that has a similiar texture like that of
} humus that has a similiar texture like that of falafel that has a
} similiar texture like that of wet dirt that has a similiar texture like
} that of mud that has a similiar texture like that of guacamole and is
} from the Guaca plant.
} * Oracle's father interjects*
}       It's from the avacado, Junior, and we all know it's texture is
} more like a w**dc***k in a blender. Ah, memories.
}
}       Thanks, Dad. There you have it.
} You owe the Oracle a blender and an avacado.


1101-07    (7inh6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SELECT * FROM oracle WHERE grovel LIKE "Oracle%" AND score > 4.3;

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 0 row(s) selected.
}
} You owe the Oracle a query with more realistic parameters ....


1101-08    (3bpma dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and perceptive, please shed light on this, most
> vexing of questions:
>
> How many Microsoft(tm) developers does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Posted 10/06/99 12:37pm by The Internet Oracle
}
} MICROSOFT DEMANDED SAY IN IBM HARDWARE PLATFORM
}
} The latest revelation from the antitrust case against Microsoft centres
} around their attempts to specify IBM's hardware platform. Documents
} released by the DOJ team suggest that IBM negotiators were warned to
} expect a 15% price increase in their Windows 95 license if they did not
} switch over from their current lightbulbs to a new light-emitting
} product supplied by Microsoft.
}
} Microsoft's key witness, office manager Ethel Schmalensee denied all
} knowledge of the affair. "We would supply you with the appropriate
} lighting data," she stated, "but Microsoft supply light to their
} employees by burning bits of paper." When asked if these were the same
} bits of paper that Microsoft's accounts system is allegedly stored on,
} she merely turned bright red and replied "No comment."
}
} Ironically, this testimony has already been contradicted by Bill Gates
} in his new book "Weenie, Windy, WinCE: Microsoft and the art of
} backpedalling", where he states that Microsoft's lighting is provided
} by genetically modified bioluminescent fungi which are implanted in
} unsuspecting employees.
}
} When asked why IBM had signed the agreement, IBM's witness, Neil
} Morrison, said that the meeting had been held in a room lit by
} Microsoft's Lighbulb 95. "And the product impressed you so much you
} signed without a second thought?" asked a DOJ lawyer. "No," came the
} reply. "It was pitch dark in there, and I couldn't see what I was
} signing. The Microsoft guy told me he wanted my autograph for his kid."
}
} The trial goes on...
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Microsoft edition of the board-game
} Monopoly.


1101-09    (3eipb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wise in the way of all things, and in particular, wiser
> than this lowly supplicant in the ways of household pets,
> What in the world is my cat doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cats live a life with which Deitys such as myself can easily relate to:
}
} 9am: Wake up. Yawn. Stretch. Wash face.
}
} 10am: Finish washing face. Look in altar, see if Staff have left an
} offering before departing for work.
}
} 11am: Have a nap.
}
} 12am: Daily inspection of the shrine. Check that everything is in
} order, if Staff are sighted, don't make eye contact. Perhaps, if
} feeling generous, give their leg a rub to make them know you appreciate
} all their hard work.
}
} 1pm: Lunch.
}
} 2pm: Another Nap.
}
} 3pm: Investigate things. Investigate this, investigate that, general
} investigation.
}
} 4pm: Nap time.
}
} 5pm: Starting to get peckish. See if any native wildlife is around. If
} so, kill it and make a big mess.
}
} 6pm: Dinner. Staff will supply food at the altar, once again.
}
} 7pm: Alert staff to remains of Native Wildlife, now making your perfect
} shrine all untidy. Request they clean it up.
}
} 8pm: Nap.
}
} 9pm: Plot world domination for a while.
}
} 10pm: Realise you already _have_ everything you need, so no need for
} world domination.
}
} 11pm: Try and find something to have sex with.
}
} 12pm: Get some sleep before another trying day tommorrow.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Red Dwarf Series 1, signed by Danny
} John-Jules, and a ball of string.


1101-10    (5etg7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Brief grovel involving badly misused archaic forms of the second
> person singular]
>
> [Unoriginal question involving allusions to Unix, Infocom, rhod
> in-jokes, the evils of Microsoft, woodchucks, and, of course,
> self-referentiality]
>
> [Signature line inserted automatically by web-based e-mail service]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Out Of Office Automated Reply]
}
} The Oracle cannot be bothered to answer you at the moment.
}
} If your question relates to
}
} 1) Unix       Assume witty put down of MicroSoft.
} 2) Infocom    Assume parody in the style of a text based adventure game.
} 3) r.h.o.d    Assume disparaging remarks on the IQ of r.h.o.d-ites.
} 4) MicroSoft  Assume clever comparisons between Bill Gates and Satan.
} 5) Woodchucks You deserve a Zotting, you are fortunate to have escaped.
} 6) Self       Assume philosophy parody and name dropping e.g. Nietzsche.
}
} If your e-mail includes a .sig also assume that this is belittled.
}
} Otherwise, you may re-submit your question in a few days.
}
} Thankyou for your interest in The Internet Oracle.
}
} [End]


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