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Internet Oracularities #1102

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Internet Oracularities #1102    (76 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 11:21:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1102
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1102  76 votes 59ixb cdsj4 6cnle 2fyj6 bppa5 89kfo 62nxc 6fwl2 4iyg4 blra7
1102  3.1 mean  3.5   2.9   3.3   3.2   2.6   3.5   3.6   3.0   3.0   2.8


1102-01    (59ixb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PLEASE HELP ME I JUST GOT THE FREE AOL AND I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO
> GET ON THE NETSCAPE TO TALK TO MY COUSIN SANDY.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't panic. It's easier than you think. Just follow these easy steps
} and you'll be talking to Sandy in no time.
}
}   1.  Do you have an Internet cable coming from your computer? It
}       should be gray, and marked with the Internet icon. You'll know it
}       by the shape.
}
}   2.  Make sure that the cable is firmly attched to your computer's
}       Internet port. If it's not, pull - hard! - to remove it, then
}       plug it back in.
}
}   3.  The other end of the cable is fragile. Do not allow it to get
}       wet. Avoid touching the exposed end. Since it's sensitive to
}       static electricity, at no time should it touch the floor or any
}       part of your body. Using an insulated isometer, peel back the
}       protective outer membrane from the cable.
}
}   4.  If your Internet socket isn't already warmed up to room
}       temperature, allow it to sit for twenty minutes or so.
}
}   5.  Adjust your network card to comply with RFC-822. The knob is
}       on the back. You'll know it's in compliance when the red line
}       is even with the mark on the back of your monitor.
}
}   6.  Bake at 400F (200C) for 35 minutes or until golden brown.
}
}   7.  Plug the Internet cable into the socket. Wait for three to five
}       seconds while the initial flurry of data into your computer
}       stabilizes the Hollerith settings. If it doesn't stabilize within
}       one minute, put a kink into the cable and call the Internet's
}       technical support desk.
}
}   8.  Start your web browser in the usual way, except three inches
}       (eight centimeters) higher. (NOT taller.)
}
}   9.  Make the data transfer hand-tight using a phillips screwdriver.
}
}  10.  Make sure your telephone is nearby. Dial Sandy's number. Ask
}       for Sandy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new insulated isometer. I broke mine last week
} trying to change channels on my WebTV.


1102-02    (cdsj4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Alyce Wilson <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A pregnant woman had reportedly jumped
> nude through a fire nine times.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few more times and she'll be ready to face the pain of childbirth
} without an epidural.


1102-03    (6cnle dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh my ears and whiskers! I'm late!  I'm late! I'm late!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a queue and Zadoc and an incarnation were arguing near it:
} a priest was sitting between them, fast asleep, and the other two were
} using the priest as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, and the
} talking over its head. `Very uncomfortable for the priest,' thought
} The Supplicant; `only, as it's asleep, I suppose it doesn't mind.'
}
} The queue was a large one, but the three were all crowded together near
} one long pointless question: `No Questions! No Questions!' they cried
} out when they saw The Supplicant coming. `There's PLENTY of questions!'
} said The Supplicant indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair
} at one end of the queue.
}
} `Have some answers,' Zadoc said in an encouraging tone.
}
} The Supplicant looked all round the queue, but there was nothing but
} questions. `I don't see any answers,' she remarked.
}
} `There aren't any,' said Zadoc. `It's your job to provide the answers.'
}
} `Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said The Supplicant
} angrily.
}
} `It wasn't very civil of you to expect us to amuse you,' said Zadoc,
} 'you want answers!? Make them!'
}
} 'I am the guest,' said The Supplicant. 'Give me an answer!'
}
} `Your indignation is telling,' said The Incarnation. He had been
} looking at The Supplicant for some time with great curiosity, and
} these were his first words.
}
} `You should learn not to make personal remarks,' The Supplicant
} said with some severity; `it's very rude.'
}
} And The Incarnation zotted The Supplicant.
}
} The priest stirred and burped as though digesting something.


1102-04    (2fyj6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The Oracle's answers are fragrant like a thousand trodden aromatic
>  herbs, with fields of lavender, and with the brightest roses blushing
>  in tufts like a scented secrecy from a meadow full of hunters drawing
>  a bead on Bambii's mother. All hail the Oracle!
>
> Aren't we fine-tuning the Universe every time we study anything in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've just had your grovel tacked up on the bulletin board in the
} priests' dungeon as a guide for the kind of thing they should be
} looking for. Well done.
}
} "Fine-tuning" has connotations of specific purpose, so that's not
} quite accurate. It's true that every time a quantum event is observed
} a probability waveform is collapsed, but it only has a local effect
} -- confined not to _the_ universe but _this_ universe. The other
} possiblilites manifest themselves elsewhere.
}
} Although such observations do have cascading upward effects, they
} clearly haven't yielded coordinated ones. If they had, we'd see
} the collapse of dichotomies (or at least n-modalities) in various
} observable phenomena, yet we don't.
}
} For example, the proportion of politicians who can be readily
} and seriously called statesmen is just as high as it ever... hmmm.
} Disraeli vs. Tony Blair. Lincoln vs. Bush. FDR vs. Clinton. Teddy "Bull
} Moose" Roosevelt vs.  Ross Perot. PtG vs. Boris. Nevermind.  Let's try
} another example.
}
} Let's look at... oh, guitars. The proportion of quality guitars --
} Martins, Guilds -- has remained.... no, wait a minute. Cheap and cheesy
} things that look like guitars have taken over the market. Hang on.
}
} Let's look at... er... come to think of it, just about every field
} of human endeavor and every item of human manufacture seems to have
} undergone the same type of deterioration. Just a moment while I
} whip out my Transdimensional TI Scientific and run a few numbers.
} .  .  .  Ah, there it is. Didn't take wide enough a view of things.
} Although conditions are deteriorating rapidly for your species, the
} cockroaches, rats, and other vermin are propotionally better off.
} So it all evens out in the end.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Stradivarius violin, a Checker Cab, twelve lost
} episodes of St. Elsewhere, a fast-food meal that's at least one out
} of two, a metal slinky and a n-particle Hamiltonian Phase Space.


1102-05    (bppa5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you for ordering from ACKitsGONE.com!
>
> Your order information appears below.  If you need to get in
> touch with us about your order, send an e-mail message to
> odors@ACKitsGONE.com (or just reply to this message).
>
>              -- ACKitsGONE.com Customer Service
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> Your order reads as follows:
>
> E-mail address: oracle@cs.indiana.edu
>
> Ship to:                TIO
>                         Temple D'Oracle
>                         Secret Site, Indiana
>                         0#4#13-7734
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> 1 copy of " Greater Than Zeus: True Titan Tales"
>  Robert Bodds, et al; Paperback; @ $1111.96 each
>      (Usually ships in 24 hours)
> 1 copy of "A Paradoxes to Go : The Memoirs of Dead Sumerians"
>  Rob Graves IV, et al; Paperback; @ $287.76 each
>      (Usually ships in 24 hours)
> 1 copy of "A Question is Born, An Answer goes Astray"
>  Sir Playdough; Mass Market Paperback; @ $479.79 each
>      (Usually ships in 24 hours)
> 1 copy of "The Woman in the Queue"
>  Abraham Kobo, et al; Paperback; @ $996.60 each
>      (Usually ships in 24 hours)
> 1 copy of "Loads of Logs: The Bloody Rise of the W..dCh..k Underground"
>  Walter Cleaver, et al; Paperback; @ $.95 each
>      (Usually ships in 24 hours)
>
> Will ship via: Mercury Shipping (3-7 true days)
>
> Item(s) Subtotal:                      $2877.03
> Shipping & Handling:                      77.75
>                                         -------
> Subtotal:                              $2954.78
> Tax:                                       0.00
>                                         -------
> TOTAL DUE:                    Credited to your account
>
> http://www.ACKitsGONE.com/your-account
>
> Thank you for shopping at ACKitsGONE.com!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> ACKitsGONE.com
> More than 4.7 million forbidden or lost titles
> Parallel Earth's Oddest Selection
> http://www.ACKitsGONE.com
> orders@ACKitsGONE.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc, you sniveling bookworm with the intelligence of a small rubber
} duck, -have you been using my "one-click" settings again!!!?


1102-06    (89kfo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh what can ail thee, Oracle,
> Alone and palely loitering?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT WOOD-CHUCKER
}   IN TOO MANY PARTS
}   BY SAMUEL TAYLOR ORACLE
}
}   PART THE FIRST.
}
}   It is an ancient Oracle,
}   And a supplicant he stops.
}   "Jesus H Christ, you gave me a turn--
}   Why look so miserable, Pops?"
}
}   He holds him with his skinny hand;
}   "I know your sort," quoth he.
}   "You want to ask that question vile,
}   About woodchucks and me."
}
}   "Hold off! Unhand me, grey-beard loon!"
}   The supplicant doth whine.
}   He'd always wanted to say that:
}   'Tis such a catchy line.
}
}   "What, woodchucks--me? Oh, no sirree!
}   It simply isn't true:
}   I wandered in here by mistake
}   Whilst looking for the loo."
}
}   "Nay, ye shall listen, supplicant,
}   My tale's both long and dull;
}   But not as dull as Coleridge," said
}   The bright-eyed Oracle.
}
}   "We set out on the hunt one day,
}   Zeus, Odin, Thoth and I.
}   We fancied roasted venison,
}   Or maybe rabbit pie.
}
}   "Though, as I now remember it,
}   Thoth doth prefer dormice.
}   He'd recently sworn off red meat
}   On medical advice.
}
}   "And Odin had exotic tastes,
}   He wanted pelican--"
}   The supplicant here beat his breast,
}   "Oh, get a move on, man!"
}
}   "I have to set the scene, you know,"
}   The Oracle protests.
}   "So heed well and make copious notes;
}   Here after follow tests."
}
}   The supplicant, he beat his breast:
}   Why was he such a fool
}   To come before that frightful bore,
}   The bright-eyed Oracle?
}
}   PART THE SECOND.
}
}   "With bows in hand and spirits high,
}   We gambolled 'neath the sheltering sky;
}   Yet, near and far, we did not spy
}   Nor moose, nor goat, nor hind.
}   'Twas passing weird: we were afeared
}   No food today we'd find.
}
}   "And now there came both mist and snow,
}   And ice was all around;
}   And if we'd been brass monkeys, why,
}   Our balls'd lie on the ground.
}
}   "At length a woodchuck hove in sight:
}   Thorough the fog it came;
}   It waddled up to us as if
}   It were completely tame.
}
}   "'A sign!' cried Odin. 'We are saved!'
}   And Zeus said he'd a hunch
}   All would be well; but I cried 'Hell,
}   I'm famished! Time for lunch!'
}
}   "I nocked an arrow and took aim;
}   And then, and then," said he--
}   His voice gave out: without a doubt
}   He needed sympathy.
}
}   "God save thee, ancient Oracle!
}   You mean to tell me that
}   You shot the woodchuck, there and then?
}   You really are a prat!"
}
}   PART THE THIRD.
}
}   "Yes, I had done a hellish thing,
}   The others were quite pissed.
}   Quoth Thoth: 'You twit! Oh, I could spit!
}   Why couldn't you have missed?
}   A dead woodchuck brings real bad luck;
}   Oh, would that you had missed!'
}
}   "Then Odin said: 'It's on your head;
}   You dropped us in the dung.
}   Let this marmot, which you have shot,
}   Around your neck be hung.'
}   With rope and knot, that dead marmot
}   Around my neck they hung!
}
}   "A breeze sprang up, the mist cleared up,
}   The snow melted away.
}   And then it rained unceasingly
}   The rest of that whole day.
}
}   "Water, water, every where,
}   As far as the eye can peer.
}   Water, water, every where;
}   I'd kill for just one beer!
}
}   "Then Zeus and Odin said, 'Enough!
}   This weather's far too rough.'
}   And Thoth felt ill, he'd caught a chill,
}   Of hunting he had had his fill--
}   He went off in a huff.
}
}   "And I was left of friends bereft;
}   My grief cut like a knife.
}   'Oh woodchuck, bearer of ill luck!
}   I don't care how much wood you chuck:
}   Please come once more to life!'
}
}   "But answer I received not one,
}   Which came as no surprise;
}   The woodchuck stared back up at me
}   With lifeless, beady eyes."
}
}   PART THE THIRD.
}
}   "There passed a weary time. The gods
}   To their own homes returned.
}   A weary time! A weary time!
}   My eyes, with tears they burned.
}   With woodchuck pendant I trudged on,
}   By every comrade spurned!
}
}   "Then, looking eastwards, I beheld
}   A new religion dawning;
}   As if the sun rose on a brand
}   New monotheistic morning.
}
}   "The Greeks and Romans thought it great:
}   It had not been much fun
}   To guess which god they must placate--
}   Now there would be just one!
}
}   "And even the Egyptians--
}   Osiris' erstwhile fans--
}   With uncouth haste, new faith embraced,
}   And turned Mohammedans.
}
}   "The Norsemen, on the other hand,
}   Were wracked by indecision:
}   They liked their gods both cruel and tough;
}   They didn't switch till they learnt of
}   The Spanish Inquisition.
}
}   "You cannot kill immortal beings--
}   They're, after all, undying;
}   But if no-one believes in them,
}   They find this very trying!
}
}   "They sink into a sullen sulk,
}   Their bodies dissipate;
}   And, in the blinking of an eye,
}   They just evaporate.
}
}   "Four times fifty mighty gods,
}   (And a demiurge or two)
}   As all their worshippers upped sticks,
}   They melted like the dew.
}
}   "Their spirits on the wind were blown--
}   They sped hence, like a flux!
}   And each one, as it passed me, cried:
}   'You and your damned woodchucks!'"
}
}   PART THE FOURTH.
}
}   "You bore me, tedious Oracle!
}   Your tale goes on for ever!
}   Pick up the pace, cut to the chase;
}   I fear I'll leave here never!
}
}   "You bore me with your rambling rimes--
}   You've kept me right through lunchtime!"
}   "Fear not, fear not, dear supplicant;
}   I'm getting near the punchline!
}
}   "For I did not fade all away!
}   I know not why; the reason may
}   Lie in my constitution.
}   Perhaps the woodchuck cast some spell,
}   That damned me to this living hell;
}   But I think the solution
}   Lies in the fact that nobody,
}   Right from the start, believed in me--
}   Thus I 'scaped dissolution.
}
}   "Alone, alone, all, all alone,
}   Alone I strayed afar!
}   Until one day, to my dismay,
}   I reached America.
}
}   "The woodchuck rotted and was gone,
}   But this was hardly lucky;
}   Because its odour lingered on,
}   And I smelled all woodchucky.
}
}   "I tell you this, oh supplicant:
}   Your sex life goes to pot!
}   For girls curl their toes, and hold their nose;
}   And, as for scoring, you won't get close,
}   When you reek of Eu-de-Marmot!"
}
}   PART THE FIFTH.
}
}   "You bore me, windbag Oracle!"
}   "Hush, supplicant, be quiet!
}   If thou keep'st interrupting me,
}   My Zot Staff I will aim at thee,
}   And liberally apply it!
}
}   "Where was I? Oh, yes--I arrived
}   At Indiana U.
}   I thought I'd try my trade to ply,
}   And prophesy anew.
}
}   "I set up shop, and advertised
}   All round the Internet;
}   I figured those geeks needed all
}   The help that they could get.
}
}   "And, sure enough, they came to me
}   From far and wide, in streams,
}   With questions subtle and profound
}   Beyond my wildest dreams!
}
}   "Where vanish all our yesterdays?
}   Where will our souls go to?
}   What can Bill Gates, in one brief life,
}   With so much money do?
}   Such questions as a sage could
}   Really get his teeth into!
}
}   "Yet, when they stood before my throne
}   Upon the appointed day,
}   My rodentine effluvium
}   Would wipe their thoughts away;
}   Till not at all could they recall
}   What they had come to say.
}
}   Their poor brains drained of intellect,
}   They'd blurt out, with all speed:
}   'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,
}   If wood it chucks, indeed?'"
}
}   PART THE SIXTH.
}
}   "At last, there came the fateful year
}   Of nineteen ninety-seven,
}   The Son of God came down to earth
}   To take mankind to heaven--"
}
}   "Hang on!" protests the supplicant,
}   "How could I that have missed?
}   The Second Coming passed me by?"
}   "It serves you right," came the reply,
}   "For being an atheist.
}
}   "The Sacred Lamb himself came here
}   To Bloomington, IN,
}   To gather to him each and every
}   Upright citizen.
}
}   "'Oh shrieve me, shrieve me, Holy One!'
}   I cried most piteously.
}   'You are the saviour of all men--
}   Will you not too save me?'
}
}   "Then Jesus spoke compassionately,
}   'My flock is all humanity:
}   You do not fit the bill--
}   You are some bygone deity.
}   But, so you'll not think ill of me,
}   Ask of me what you will;
}   And willingly I'll grant it thee--
}   Your wish I will fulfil.'
}
}   "Here was my chance, I realised,
}   To win my longed-for death;
}   I'd ask to be a mortal man--
}   All set, I took a breath.
}
}   "I took a breath, I smelled that smell,
}   My faculties went all to hell;
}   I said, 'Dear Master, kind and good:
}   I hear that woodchucks will chuck wood--
}   How much wood, can you tell?'"
}
}   PART THE SEVENTH.
}
}   The Oracle falls silent now,
}   And stares down at his feet.
}   The supplicant can scarce believe
}   The time has come for his reprieve:
}   He beats a quick retreat!
}
}   The Oracle, whose eye is bright,
}   Whose beard with age is hoar,
}   Now sits and frets; that's what he gets
}   For being such a bore.
}
}   "Farewell, farewell, oh supplicant!
}   Remember my sad plight!
}   When next you call, I promise I'll
}   Not keep you half the night.
}   And, by the way, the toilet is
}   The third door on the right."
}
}   He went like one that hath been stunned,
}   His ears and brain full sore:
}   A sadder and a wiser man,
}   He supplicates no more.
}   He owes the Oracle two grand;
}   And supplicates no more.


1102-07    (62nxc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Do you have chocolate chip or peanut butter cookies in
> your cookie jar?
> _________________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I reckon I like your second question better.
}
} No, I DON'T Yahoo, and I'll tell you why, if you'll set a spell.
} (Help yerself to some of the beans and coffee, we got plenty more in
} the chuckwagon.)
}
} Folks 'round these here parts don't think too highly of that there
} Yahoo.  Us ol' timers, we recall the days when the 'net was still
} Injun terrority--"search injun", that is.
}
} (Say, yer might wanna turn that spit once in a while.  That fire is
} right hot and that woodchuck meat ain't no good if it's overdone.)
}
} So as I was sayin', things sure ain't like they used to be.  Back
} before ev'ry site was branded with yer banner ads and firewalled to
} high creation with barbed wire, well, sir, the only way to git stuff
} done was to look fer it yerself!  And maybe, just maybe, you'd find
} yerself on some two-bit one-horse website, and maybe not.  But even
} then, the missionaries had already been through, preachin' and singin'
} about that Webcrawler and the like.
}
} Me?  Well, sir, I'm a gopher man, myself.  I've spent many a lonely
} night, sitting around a campfire, downloading uuencoded pictures off
} some bulletin board in Dodge City.  No, I'm not proud of it.  But I'm
} a changed man now.
}
} Course, the Injuns tell stories 'bout a time when folks didn't e'en
} HAVE computers.  Naturally, these are just legends, but it's true that
} folks didn't always have 'em all connected like they is now.  (Pass
} around that whiskey, son!  I'm drinkin' one to Al Gore, god bless
} him!)
}
} So, y'all kin see why folks 'round here ain't taking too much of a
} shine to that Yahoo contraption.  It's all city-fied.  Nobody, ain't
} NOBODY, ought to be making that kind of money on the web.  Now we's
} got an ol' fashioned gold rush goin' on, with all these '99ers staking
} claims and panning the bitstreams.  A fella hates to see that.
}
} Well, pardner, I'm plum tuckered out.  This ol' cowboy is hittin' the
} hay.  Finish up that woodchuck and them beans, but stay out of those
} oatmeal cookies I've got in the 'wagon!
}
} You owe the Oracle a chance to sleep out under the stars, a hundred
} miles away from civilization.  Except I want really good internet
} access.


1102-08    (6fwl2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The scene: an interrogation room. The Oracle and Zadoc are the
} policemen, and the supplicant is the one being interrogated, the
} 'interrogatee,' if you will.)
}
} (Orrie and Zadoc pacing)
}
} Orrie: What's the charge, Zadoc?
}
} Zadoc: Refusal to speak to the Oracle, Chief.
}
} Orrie: (to Supplicant) What the hell were you thinking? Refusing to
} speak to the Oracle is a Fed'ral offense! You could go away for ten,
} twenty years, easy! Maybe life... or WORSE!
}
} Supplicant: >
}
} Zadoc: He's not talking, Chief.
}
} Orrie: Not talking, eh? Well, let's see how he handles... THE REALLY
} BRIGHT INTERROGATION LIGHT!
}
} (Zadoc brings out the light, plugs it in, and Orrie turns it on.)
}
} Orrie: Bright enough for ya? Heh, heh, heh...
}
} Supplicant: >
}
} Zadoc: He's not talking, Chief.
}
} Orrie: (breaking character) I can SEE that! And STOP calling me
} "Chief!"
}
} Zadoc: Sorry, Chief.
}
} Orrie: Ennhh. Bring out... THE COMFY CHAIR!
}
} Zadoc: No can do. Terry Gilliam has it on loan.
}
} Orrie: (Frustrated) Well... bring out the old videos of "The Joker's
} Wild 1990" and "Tic Tac Dough 1990" then!
}
} (Later.)
}
} Orrie: Ready to say something yet?
}
} Supplicant: >
}
} Orrie: Alright, that's it. Bring out the film projector!
}
} Zadoc: Sorry, Chief. The estate of Stanley Kubrick, in association with
} Warner Brothers, tells us that we can no longer torture victims in a
} way similar to the film "A Clockwork Orange."
}
} Orrie: Okay... Here, have some cookies.
}
} Supplicant: >
}
} Orrie and Zadoc: (drinking milk)
}
} Supplicant: >
}
} Zadoc: He's lactose intolerant, Chief.
}
} Orrie: STOP CALLING ME "CHIEF!" I've had it up to HERE with this guy!
} What is to be done? I hoped it didn't have to come to this, but...
} BRING OUT THE LAST FEW ORACULARITIES DIGESTS!
}
} (Zadoc gets 'em)
}
} Orrie: (waving digests in front of Supplicant's face)
}
} Supplicant: >
}
} Orrie: Don't wanna read 'em, eh? Well, I'll read 'em to you!
}
} Supplicant: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I'LL TALK! What do you want from me?
}
} Orrie: Well, in addition to the sentence, you owe the Oracle... A
} REALLY BRIGHT INTERROGATION LAMP! One even brighter than the old one!
}
} *The views expressed in this Oracularity are not necessarily those of
} the current incarnation.


1102-09    (4iyg4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What are they building down there that requires so
> much hammering and swearing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell is expanding.
}
} First it was the Chamberpot of Horrors, a firy pit of extraordinarily
} tiny movie theaters that seat approximately 0.6 people each and show
} back-to-back screenings of Adam Sandler movies for eternity. Then there
} was the Copper Maiden, a firy pit of coffee shops that only sell frozen
} tea Slurpees. Now they're working on a 729,391-story office building,
} because Hell is running out of space for all the dead business
} executives.
}
} And by the time the new level of Hell opens in Summer 2001, we should
} have air conditioners in all the rooms and a state-of-the-art filtering
} unit for all the smoking rooms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little fire, a little brimstone, and a little cup
} of espresso.


1102-10    (blra7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most knowledgable Oracle,
>
> How is duct taping an orangutan to my forearm different
> from piloting a P-51 Mustang in combat during WW II?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, as it happens, my father, Orrie Sr. collects WWII
} memorabilia. I was going through his collection and found an
} experimental tape recording of a flight transmission. (tapes wern't
} around then, this was the first) The recording was of Ace Gipstein,
} going out on his first run, escorting several B-17s out to their
} bombing destination. Unfortunately, he decided to sneak his pet
} oragutan, Gerold, on board.
}
} *sshhhck*
} Ace: This is P-51-782 checking in. I'm at 10,000 feet and everything is
}      fine. Gerold! Don't touch that! The wheels are already up.
} Base: Please repeat, 782. Over.
} Ace: Nothing, I was just sayin- Gerold! Stop it...aaaack...my seat belt
}      straaaaap is....tight enough! Gerollld. Ahhh. Thank you, you bad
}      monkey.
} Base: Uh....please repeat. Over.
} Ace:  Sorry, I was just sayi-
} Gerold: Aaa Aaa Aaa OoooOOooooOooo!!
} Ace: Over.
} Base: We're having trouble making your transmission out. Check your
}       connection out. Over.
} *scklklklk*
} Ace: Can you read me now? Over. The joysick is not a bannana! Stop
}      chewing on it! I need it to fly the plane, Gerold!
} Base: Who's Gerold? What the fu*sshhhcccl*r you talking about? Over.
} B-17 radio operator: We've got incoming!
} Ace: Where? Gerold! That's not a joystick! Put that back! Not in front
}      of me. Gross! Stop it!
} B-17: There at 3 o'clock! *bangbangban*
} Ace : I see 'em! There ri-*BOOMBOOM* Crap!!! I'm hit! Were going down!
}       I have to bail! Oh, SH*cracklecrackle*ve only got one parachute.
}       Gerold, you have to hold on tight. Wait! I've got some duct tape.
}       Gerold, I'm going to tape you to my forearm so I don't lose you.
} Gerold: OooAaa!!
} <sound of tape being torn off the roll>
} Ace: There! You're secure. Let's bail! Geronimo!!!
} *SSSSSHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
}
}       After that, they weren't seen again, but ther have been rumors of
} an old man wandering around the German countryside with a monkey on his
} his arm.
}       So to answer your question, no, there is no differance.


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