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Internet Oracularities #1103

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Internet Oracularities #1103    (76 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 14:58:12 -0500 (EST)

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   1103
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1103  76 votes 2grn8 5moi7 0szb2 2gxk5 aood5 8pqd4 48spb 8kkfd dBg91 3btq7
1103  3.0 mean  3.2   3.0   2.8   3.1   2.7   2.7   3.4   3.1   2.3   3.3


1103-01    (2grn8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ultra-smart and uber-wise Oracle, thou whose omniscience knows no
> bounds: I have been asked a question that even I (whose own wisdom is
> but scribblings on a cocktail napkin compared to the volumes within
> your encyclopaedic mind) cannot answer...
>
> How do I set a laser printer to stun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After Zadoc's little "flaming parchment" accident of 1993, the Oracular
} Temple staff switched to inkjet printers, so I haven't had to answer
} laser printer questions for a while.  Let me see if I have an old
} manual sitting around here.  Hmm... PrayTEL Mail Queuing System...
} CrystalBall Home Prophecy Kit... ScortchWare Zot(tm) Staff 2000XL...
} Ah, here it is.
}
} THE WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX 147LS OWNER'S GUIDE
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} Setting your WRATH OF GOD LASTERTEX 147LS to stun/kill:
}
} + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
} + WARNING: Before setting your printer to shock or maul, make sure    +
} +          the computer is turned off; otherwise, dangerous loss of   +
} +          data or limbs could result.                                +
} + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
}
} 1. Attach one end of the power cord into the receptacle on the back of
}    the WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX 147LS.
} 2. Attach the other end of the power cord into a grounded outlet.
}
} + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
} + WARNING: The WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX is equipped with a three-wire    +
} +          grounding plug.  This plug fits only a grounding-type AC   +
} +          outlet.  If you are unable to insert the plug into an      +
} +          outlet, seek physical therapy or have your twelve-year-old +
} +          child set up this d--n machine, you blooming nincompoop.   +
} + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
}
} 3. Attach one end of the peripheral cable to the port on the WRATH OF
}    GOD LASERTEX 147LS marked with the lightning icon.
} 4. Attach the other end of the peripheral cable into the corresponding
}    port on a device which inspires frustration or rage.  Examples
}    include any personal computer, virtually all fitness machines, your
}    incompetent supervisor, toddlers, and the neighbor's dog.
} 5. Turn your WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX printer to the on (|) position.
} 6. If the WRATH OF GOD printing software is not installed on the rage
}    port, install it now using the directions on pages xiii to lxxix.
}
} + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
} + WARNING: The WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX operating software should only   +
} +          installed by someone mildly competent.  It is set to kill  +
} +          instantly any user who double-clicks on a menu or button.  +
} + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
}
} 7. Click on the START menu.  Select the SETTINGS folder.  Select the
}    CONTROL PANELS folder.  Open the PRINTERS control panel.  Select
}    the WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX 147LS.  Choose "PROPERTIES..." from the
}    FILE menu.
} 8. Set the OUTPUT control from BLACK/WHITE to CONCENTRATED ENERGY BEAM.
} 9. Set the ENERGY bar to the desired level.
}
} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
} * NOTE: The STUN level was tested on portly men in their forties,     *
} *       considered the most common target for such attacks. The STUN  *
} *       level might very well cause more significant damage in        *
} *       the elderly or frail.                                         *
} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} 10. Close the PROPERTIES window.
} 11. Open up any application capable of printing.
} 12. Enter some inconsequential data.  Perhaps last quarter's earnings
}     data, or a copy of your contract, or perhaps the results of your
}     last strategic planning seminar.
} 13. Wait until the desired target approaches the WRATH OF GOD LASER-
}     TEX to retrieve his or her document, and send your document to the
}     printer.  If you timed it right, the machine will stun or kill the
}     unwary user.
}
} You owe the Oracle a message queue with the same functionality of the
} WRATH OF GOD printer queue.


1103-02    (5moi7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most amusingly clever and resourceful, you that has seen the
> stars setting on seas long dried up into hard flat barren plains,
>
> Where do comets come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Great Snowball Fight of 2,432,330,742 BC.


1103-03    (0szb2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Great and financially savvy Oracle, I keep hearing people talk
> about "balloon loans" and I keep wondering -- why would anybody need
> to borrow money to buy balloons?  I mean, they're not that expensive.
> Well, okay, hot air balloons might be, but still, wouldn't a creditor
> be more interested in offering car loans, or home improvement loans
> or something more popular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are the victim of a common misconception, o fiscally unfit one.
} These people you hear are not talking about "balloon" loans, but rather
} "bull loon" loans.  These are special loans with terms crafted for
} the needs of stock market speculators who want to cash in everything
} they own and dump even more money into a market that's so overpriced
} it can't help but come crashing down early in the afternoon of --
} oh, sorry, I can't divulge the exact date.  But anyway, you can
} understand now that these bull loon loans really are *very* popular.
} And of course you can guess why the terms always include the full
} repayment of the loan after a relatively short time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large quantity of tea bills and gold bouillon.


1103-04    (2gxk5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose net never comes back empty, nor covered in icky
> stuff that floats in the ocean, please answer this pathetic query
> from your scum-sucking mud-dwelling suplicant.
>
> Whence came this tin of anchovies which has appeared in my office?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pay careful attention to the security tapes of your office for the last
} few nights. Here's what has, in all likelihood, happened: sex. In the
} office. Possibly on your desk.
}
} Understand, of course, that they who used your office for their own
} personal love shack are not directly responsible for the tin of tiny
} fish. That gift was provided by the sex fairies--small, winged,
} elf-life creatures that love to watch young couples engaged in the act
} of love. They were apparently only moderately grateful. If the couple
} had been more creative in their act, the elves might have left a new
} vcr, a widescreen television, or an expensive videocamera.
}
} However, you won't see them on the security tapes as these elves cannot
} be photographed or videotaped. But the recorded antics of your two
} employees will get quite a laugh at the next board meeting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new blender, at least.


1103-05    (aood5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kentucky Fried Squid - it's tentacle-lickin' good!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in desperate need of more squid.
}
} Allow me to quote from Squidsong #1 by D. Christine Benders.
}
} My Grandfather's Squid was too large for the shelf,
} So it sat in a tub by the door.
} It was larger, four times, than the whole room itself,
} And it weighted a considerable bit more.
}
} It was caught on the morn of the day that he was born.
} It had four ships and their crews still inside,
} And it ate the postman, a jogger and her dog,
} When the Old Man died.
}
} Ninety years unrepentant,
} Plish, plosh, plish, plosh.
} It ate his dependants,
} Plish, plosh, plish, plosh,
} And it ate the postman, a jogger and her dog,
} When the Old Man died.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quote from Squidsong #2 by the same author.


1103-06    (8pqd4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sapient Oracle, master of acronyms and wise in enterprise,
>
> Does Elmer FUD work for Microsoft?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, his job is debugging other people's code.  Whenever someone
} disturbs his work, he says, "Be vewwwwwy quiet.  I'm hunting Bugs!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-way trip from Redmond to Pismo Beach.


1103-07    (48spb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most quick-witted, you are judicious and imposing,
>
> Why are children still being taught cursive handwriting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This world has five billion people as of last count. Anything,
} *ANYTHING* that keeps their minds off sex for a few years longer is
} vital for the survival of our species.
}
} You owe The Oracle five weeks teaching groups of local teenagers
} fractal methods for tying shoelaces.


1103-08    (8kkfd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what do I do when there's nothing to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 001. eat an avocado
} 002. imagine laying on a bearskin rug
} 003. melt a crayon in the microwave
} 004. annoy a dog with a whistle
} 005. wear a clip-on earring on your lower lip
} 006. sit on a bag of Fritos(tm)
} 007. pluck a goose
} 008. hope it rains
} 009. visit an industrial park
} 010. learn ten words in Japanese
} 011. kill a fly
} 012. download a shareware version of Lemmings(tm)
} 013. masticate a banana
} 014. pluck your nose hairs
} 015. order a pizza
} 016. take a self-help quiz
} 017. plan your retirement party
} 018. sing in the shower
} 019. give away your TV
} 020. rent a U-Haul(tm) truck
} 021. varnish a discarded two-by-four
} 022. wink at a girl
} 023. buy a yo-yo
} 024. go to the zoo
} 025. resist buying an Apple(tm)
} 026. read something by William S. Burroughs
} 027. comb your hair
} 028. drive defensively
} 029. empty your cache
} 030. make a root beer float
} 031. gargle with salt-water
} 032. sing a hymn
} 033. shop for cheaper car insurance
} 034. forget the punch line to a joke
} 035. search for web-sites about krill
} 036. lose your lunch
} 037. make a new mask
} 038. fold a newspaper into a boat shape
} 039. buy new Odoreaters(tm)
} 040. plant some cactus
} 041. write to The Queen of England
} 042. rent 'Lost Highways'
} 043. singe some of your body hair
} 044. stare at your telephone
} 045. buy some UV blocking sunglasses
} 046. verify that your smoke detector works
} 047. wash your hands repeatedly
} 048. get a chest X-ray
} 049. play 'Return to Zork'(tm)
} 050. drive as close to Los Angeles as you can
} 051. break a promise
} 052. stockpile canned food
} 053. drink some tea
} 054. eat some garlic
} 055. floss your teeth
} 056. take out the garbage
} 057. hide a spare key
} 058. inspect yourself for cancerous lumps
} 059. swear never to eat Jello(tm) again
} 060. sharpen your knives
} 061. lose one pound
} 062. check to see if you got any mail
} 063. buy something you don't need
} 064. open your computer up, blow the dust out
} 065. paint one of your fingernails red
} 066. stop worrying
} 067. eat some quiche
} 068. type a new resume
} 069. flip your mattress over
} 070. clean out the refrigerator
} 071. shred those old love letters
} 072. throw away two shirts
} 073. alphabetize your sock drawer
} 075. shave
} 076. argue with yourself
} 077. put a blacklight in your bathroom
} 078. count your cash
} 079. purchase some Philp K. Dick books
} 080. estimate how many hours you sleep each year
} 081. finish that one project
} 082. give the car a good cleaning
} 083. make up a fire escape plan for your home
} 084. put a penny in a glass of orange juice
} 085. put a 'Get out of jail free' card in your wallet
} 086. draw a telephone on the bottom of your left shoe
} 087. eat some cottage cheese and A-1(tm) sauce
} 088. make a worse mouse trap
} 089. sew buttons on to a scrap of felt
} 090. read the grep man page
} 091. have one on the house
} 092. go to your neighbor and ask to borrow some sugar
} 093. cross out every third noun on your ID card
} 094. go for a walk
} 095. read your own palm
} 096. call up a Motel-6 in Nevada
} 097. drink some 7-Up(tm)
} 098. make a chart showing what you ate yesterday
} 099. resolve to say no in German from now on
} 100. send in 10 questions to the Oracle
}
} You owe the Oracle a toothpick.


1103-09    (dBg91 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Most Musically Inclined Plane Orrie,
>
>       How come Euphonium Players NEVER get any respect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Methinks you've answered your own question. They play euphoniums!
} Euphoniums! About the only way a euphonium player could be taken less
} seriously would be for him to play a kazoo.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kazoo.


1103-10    (3btq7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Who Would Never Sink As your Bottom is a flotation device
> please tell me:
>
> What were the last words said by passengers on the Titanic as the ship
> went down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there were many passengers that went down and therefore many last
} words.
}
} Here is a random sampling:
}
} I'll give you fifty bucks for that life preserver.
}
} Gee honey, look at the fireworks.  Oooh... Aaah...
}
} Do you have to play "Nearer My God to Thee"?  Couldn't ya pick
} something more upbeat?  Something with a rhythm we could all dance to?
} That's depressing...
}
} Gosh, wouldn't this make some movie?
}
} Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  Its been five minutes since my
} last confession and in that time I've taken the Lord's name in vain 217
} times.
}
} "Let's take the big ship", she says...  "Meet classy people on board",
} she says...  "You might better yourself", she says...  "I'm too scared
} to fly", she says...
}
} <White Star Staff>  Alright, single file line...  Nothing to see here.
} Please stay in a single file line and everybody gets to jump overboard
} when their turn comes... That's right... Stay in line...
}
} No. NO!  I'm not going anywhere without my Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzy bear.
}
} <Captain Smith>  Glad this ain't an oil tanker.  They'd sue the pants
} off of me.
}
} * glub glub glub ACK*
} --------
} You owe the Oracle an explanation as to why you were staring at my
} bottom.


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