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Internet Oracularities #1105

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Internet Oracularities #1105    (74 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 07:52:56 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1105
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1105  74 votes 38yp4 3ahok 2cHh0 24cCi amfj8 96onc 2bxp3 dmnb5 6fkna 5goib
1105  3.2 mean  3.3   3.6   3.0   3.9   2.9   3.3   3.2   2.6   3.2   3.2


1105-01    (38yp4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh connoisseur of cultures old, new or yet conceived, maestro of rush
>  hour traffic, virtuoso of voles!
>
>  Is it really possible to string ducks together by tying some fishing
>  line to a bit of liver, feeding it to one duck, waiting for it to pass
>  thru the first duck, then feeding the undigested bit of liver to
>  another duck and so on and so on??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What-ho, supplicant! I like an original grovel with a bit of zip to it.
} Well done. Let's see what I can do about your question.
}
} Well, think about it for a moment. Assume that the first duck does not
} notice (or care) that this piece of liver has a piece of fishing line
} tied to it. Further assume that said duck's digestive system does not
} digest enough of the liver to make the after products distinguishable
} from typical "merde de la canard" (Pardon my French). I suppose what
} you might get is something vaguely like a masticated Oskar Meyer
} weiner. (And let me tell you, supplicant, that is NOT truly what I want
} to be.)
}
} Given these assumptions, and assuming that the first duck does not have
} conniptions when it realizes that it's esophagus and intestinal tract
} are now threaded on fishing line, you go in search of duck #2.
}
} You present weiner-esque bit of liver to duck #2. Duck #2 regards this
} offering, looks at you, says "Are you crazy? That smells like it came
} out of some guy's butt!". Ducks are not dogs, supplicant. They have
} standards. End of experiment.
}
} Of course, this ignores the most important piece of empirical data of
} all: Ducks, like most sentient species on this planet, do not like
} liver.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $10 donation to the SPCA.


1105-02    (3ahok dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Recently I received the following unsolicited email from somebody
> in Pakistan. The language has me confused: is this Pakistani English,
> a mutated variety of B1FF, or something else?
>
>    Subject: hello
>
>    hello
>    from a young horticulturist,
>    I have just completed my M.Sc (hons) majoring horticulture from
>    University of Agriculture Faisalabad Pakistan. (established in
>    1909). i was searching any thing related on internat about the
>    horticuture and i luckly found u people so now oit izzzz just hello
>    and any thing i cannnn prooooovide u people it will be a good.
>    [etc.]
>
> Yrs,
> Spplcnt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "An intriguing problem, what, Zadoc?"
}
} He sat in the armchair across from mine, steepling his fingers in such
} a way as to indicate his intellect had found a problem worthy of
} attack. I lowered the telegram I had just read aloud.
}
} "Come now, your Omniscience, this poor fellow S.P.P. Le Cant is
} obviously the victim of some over-eager newbie with a dubious command
} of English and the QWERTY keyboard. There's nothing sinister in that.
} Merely a mundane annoyance."
}
} "On the contrary, Zadoc. The mundane is often far more dangerous than
} the merely sinister. I draw your attenttion to the curious incident of
} the spelling errors in the first four lines of the message."
}
} I examined the telegram again.
}
} >  hello
} >  from a young horticulturist,
} >  I have just completed my M.Sc (hons) majoring horticulture from
} >  University of Agriculture Faisalabad Pakistan. (established in
} >  1909). i was searching any thing related on internat about the
} >  horticuture and i luckly found u people so now oit izzzz just hello
} >  and any thing i cannnn prooooovide u people it will be a good.
} >  [etc.]
}
} "But there are no spelling errors in the first four lines."
}
} "That is the curious incident. It seems most singular to me that an
} M.Sc. honours student with a poor grasp of English should have no
} difficulty with words such as "established" and yet remain unaware that
} "is" does not contain four z's."
}
} "By Jove, your Magnificence, you're right!"
}
} "A trivial matter of observation, Zadoc."
}
} "But what can it mean?"
}
} He reached across and took the message from my hands. For several
} minutes he regarded it thoughtfully.
}
} "The multitude of o's in "provide" is rather suggestive."
}
} He fairly leapt from his seat and sprinted from the room, beckoning me
} to follow. He ducked into the laboratory which he maintained in the
} spare room. He went to an outlandish pile of gears, rods and wires
} which lurked in the corner - the analytical engine that was a gift from
} Sir Babbage after the queue drainer affair. He began rummaging in a
} shoebox full of punch cards on the table beside the machine.
}
} "Whatever are you doing, your Omnipotence?"
}
} "Zadoc, consider! What is the most reliable way to ensure a
} conversation will not be overheard."
}
} I considered. "To hold it in a busy train station. There it's so
} crowded, no one will take any notice of two people."
}
} "Exactly! Now consider an analagous way to hide an encoded message..."
}
} "Of course! Disguise it as something innocuous, and then mass-mail it
} to dozens of people!"
}
} "Including the intended recipient, who of course will be the only one
} capable of decoding it."
}
} "Brilliant, your Stupendousness!"
}
} "Elementary, Zadoc. Ha! Found it!"
}
} He pulled a punch card from the box and fed it into the engine. When
} the clacking of gears had ceased, he entered the text of Le Cant's
} puzzling message by means of a typewriter contrived into the machine.
} He hit the last carriage return with a flourish and stood back, as the
} engine began its analyses.
}
} "I believe this programme will decode our horticulturist's meaning. A
} simple code, involving replacing each letter which is a vowel by the
} next consecutive vowel in the alphabet, and each consanat with the
} next consecutive consonant. A pearl of wisdom from the Eunichs of
} Sultan Al-bin-shel of the oriental nation of Quatrhain."
}
} A sharp chime came from the analytical engine, and a ribbon of paper
} came spooling out of it. The Oracle tore off the paper and displayed
} it.
}
} >   jimmu
} >   gsun e auyph jusvodymvysotv,
} >   O jewi kytv dunqmivif na N.Td (jupt) nekusoph jusvodymvysi gsun
} >   Ypowistova ug Ehsodymvysi Geotemecef Qelotvep. (itvecmotjif op
} >   1909). o xet tiesdjoph epa vjoph simevif up opvispev ecuyv vji
} >   jusvodyvysi epf
} >   o mydlma guypf y qiuqmi tu pux uov obbbb kytv jimmu epf epa vjoph o
} >   depppp qsuuuuuwofi y qiuqmi ov xomm ci e huuf.
}
} "Your All-knowingness, it's mere jibberish!"
}
} "More precisely, Zadoc, a dialect of Old High Jibberish common to the
} foothills of the Ural mountains. Note the word "qsuuuuuwofi", meaning
} "unshadowed victory", which is the only word in any known language
} to contain five consecutive and distinctly prounounced u's."
}
} "What does it say?"
}
} "It is a pledge of 1,909 pounds sterling to the war chest of that most
} nefarious and degenerate cult, the Hand of Rhod, from Count Ypowistova
} ug Ehsodymvysi Geotemecef Qelotvep, the heir to the throne of Afdania.
} The Count's secretary makes some telling references about some plot
} involving bright red Siamese fighting fish and the bathtub of a
} prominent member of the Royal Family."
}
} "Zounds!"
}
} "Indeed, Zadoc. If only Le Cant had sent us the entire message! Quickly
} Zadoc, the game is afoot!"


1105-03    (2cHh0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle,
>
> Uh...
> You seem a bit concerned, Orrie.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's this asteroid that's about to smash into the earth, causing
} massive death, destruction, tidal waves, twisters, and whatnot. I've
} got a bet going with Zeus that it's going to hit Poland, but Zadoc
} messed up the calcuations and it's heading straight for New York.
}
} Apart from that, not much.
}
} You owe The Oracle a whole gold planet. Zeus ALWAYS collects on a bet.


1105-04    (24cCi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, so if you are so damn clever, how come there are only two
> nostrills, Eh?
> Why not 5 - and the same with eyes, surely being able to see all the
> way around would be a damn site easier?
>
> M-,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the lab notes of YHWH:
}
} October 14th, 4004 BC 10:23 PM
} Finished up the plans for most of the rest of the animals today.
} The placentals are really starting to look silly now that I've finished
} with the marsupials. I think I'll only seed a couple of the smaller
} continents with marsupials - given time, they're pretty much destined
} to take over the world anyway.
}
} One of the monkeys is giving me design problems. I'm probably going
} to have to increase the brain size tomorrow.
}
} October 16th, 4004 BC 11:33 PM
} What a mess. OK, it's like this: I started with some of the leftovers
} from the other primates, figuring one more species wouldn't hurt.
} The gorillas had the strength and wisdom already, the chimps the
} playfulness and cunning, the lemurs had the night-vision - well,
} you get the idea. By the time I got started on these humans, they
} were these scrawny little hairless freaks with hardly anything to
} recommend them.
}
} Well, I figured that with all those disadvantages, they'd be easy prey.
} I decided to give them 18 nostrils and 6 eyes, all around their head,
} so at least they could see the predators coming (how they were going
} to get away, I still don't know).
}
} Turns out that the standard monkey brain just can't handle all
} that input.  I got skull and gray stuff all over the walls. So I
} made the brains just a little bigger. Still no good. Bigger still.
} Still no help, although they were starting to act kind of funny. Well,
} next thing I knew, these things had completely disproportionate brain
} cases, and they still couldn't get past two eyes and two nostrils.
} It's got to be the dendrons, I guess. But the scary thing was that
} they had started to talk, and you wouldn't believe the things that were
} coming out of their mouths. Questions about why the sky was blue, why
} there was suffering in the world, how much w[ed: some content elided].
}
} Tomorrow I'm just going to have to put the test cases down and
} start again.  Maybe I should try a cetacean this time...
}
} October 17th, 4004 BC 9:02 AM
} Oh Me. The freaking humans got out of their cage. I shouldn't have
} left that coathanger lying around, although who would have thought
} they would use it like that?
}
} I've just got to be sure I catch them before they start breeding...


1105-05    (amfj8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Cat's in the Cradle with the silver spoon
> Little boy blue and the man on the moon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (with massive apologies to Harry Chapin)
}
} "Zot's in the Cradle"
} Music by Harry Chapin
} Lyrics by T. I. Oracle
}
} The supplicant arrived just the other day,
} mail hit the queue in the usual way.
} But there were priests to harass, and hell to pay.
} He learned to tellme while I was away.
} He was Incarnated 'fore I knew it, and as he typed,
} He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Orrie.
} You know I'm gonna Zot them too."
}
} And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon,
} little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon.
} "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when.
} But we'll have a hot time then.
} You know they can't be saved by Ian."
}
} My staff zotted ten just the other day.
} "Thanks for the bolt, Orrie, c'mon let's slay.
} Can you teach me to Zot?"  I said "Not today,
} I got queue to answer."  He said "That's O-Tay!"[1]
} And he flamed away, but his .sig, lemme tell you,
} Said "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
} You know I can Zot like him."
}
} And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon,
} little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon.
} "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when.
} But we'll have a hot time then.
} You know they can't be saved by Ian."
}
} Well you know he made Priest just the other day,
} Made the Oracularities tenth time they say.
} "Priest, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
} He shook his hood, and he said with a smile,
} "What I'd realy like, Master, is to drain the queue
} See you later, you've got nothing to do!"
}
} And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon,
} little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon.
} "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when.
} But we'll have a hot time then.
} You know they can't be saved by Ian."
}
} I've long since retired, my staff's gone awry.
} I saw that Priest just the other day.
} I said "I'd like to zot you, you little snipe!"
} He said "Your staff is limp, don't bother me with tripe.
} Since I took your job, I've had nothing to do.
} Someone keeps draining the queue, Orrie!
} Someone keeps draining the queue!"
} And as I picked up my staff, it occured to me,
} He'd be zotted to eternity.
} Ashes are his destiny.
}
} And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon,
} little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon.
} "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when.
} But we'll have a hot time then.
} You know they can't be saved by Ian."


1105-06    (96onc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey orrie,
>
> I have $5 riding on whether your answer to this will be funny, so
> gimme something good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You lose.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return to the days of Calvin Coolidge.


1105-07    (2bxp3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am, as I'm sure you know, a very frustrated incarnation. After a long
> hiatus as an Oracular Embodiment, I have returned and once again begun
> looking to the Oracle for the answers to my questions. As part of this
> process, I open myself to you and allow you to speak your words of
> wisdom through me so that other supplicants can see your wisdom.
>
> But I'm confused about this whole Digest thing. I've had several of my
> answers digested in the last year - but in each case, they were the
> answers that I felt could have been better. The truly witty responses,
> loaded with humor, insight, and a deep understanding of the universe
> have been passed over time and time again by the Priesthood selection
> committee.
>
> I've also had several of my questions digested, but again, the same
> problem has arisen. I have recently received answers to my questions
> that have been passionate to the point of tears, and humorous to the
> point of crying - but it wasn't these question/answer pairs that were
> digested.
>
> What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew someone was going to ask this eventually, but we've been trying
} to hold off so we'd have a nice surprise for everyone.  Of course
} now that you've asked, I have to answer.  Couldn't just post to rhod,
} no, you had to find out what's really going on.
}
} The answer is that the world will actually come to an abrupt and
} rather unpleasant end soon.  Won't bother me any of course, but you
} meat-based organisms are going to have a rough time of it.  So the
} priests have been saving the very best of the Oracular output, and
} just before civilization crumbles you'll be treated to a veritable
} orgy of insightful, thought-provoking and downright thigh-slapping
} red-in-the-face laugh-til-you-wet-your-pants Oracularities.  You and
} the rest of humanity will die horribly, but you'll be amused and
} enlightened to the very end.
}
} Of course, saving the really good stuff means some mediocre entries
} get digested, but we've been trying to convince everyone that the
} priests were in a hurry to get back to their Barney the Dinosaur
} videotapes and didn't have time to read all the submissions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good pair of sunglasses.  Soon.


1105-08    (dmnb5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand one with wisdom more rare than a black lotus,
> master of all the known (and three unknown) circles of
> protection, ye who has all five walks and is unblockable by
> less than 5 creatures and can pay 1 to cancel any spell at any
> time, and you have fifteen lands in play already..please tell me
>
> I love Magic: The gathering, at first nobody minded, but then
> my father (rrr2 2/3 HouseWalk *may tap to ground target creature
> to room till end of controllers next turn*) tried to tell me
> I am obsessed by the game...that all I care about is the game
> and I don't know what reality is.. hah! he is just upset that
> a bog wraith has greater stats than him...
> now my brother joe (r 1/1 *may pay r to get any target creature
> 'in trouble' (remove from game)) has started anoying me about it
> to..so I ask you..
> Am I addicted to magic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, I can't help you at the moment. I'm all tapped out


1105-09    (6fkna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most vigilant and scrutinizing,
>
> Which type of bug do you recommend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It really depends on the occasion.  Large, meaty bugs like Goliath
} beetles are best for formal affairs and should be served steaming with
} a robust, dry red.  Cicadas, on the other hand, are best for summer
} gatherings outdoors and should be served chilled with a semidry white.
} Microsoft applications are best served with a court order.
}
} You owe the Oracle a side of deep-fried butterflies.


1105-10    (5goib dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me the way to San Jose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are lost.  You are in a car on a two-lane road that travels to the
} north and south.
}
} > ASK ORACLE "WHERE AM I?"
}
} The Oracle answers: "You are on CA-1 just south of Monterey."
}
} > N
}
} You are in a medium-sized city.
}
} > N
}
} You are on a beach.  There is a lot of sand and a dead sea lion here.
}
} > LOOK SAND
}
} It is sand.
}
} > LOOK SEA LION
}
} I see no "SEA LION" here.
}
} > LOOK DEAD SEA LION
}
} You don't want to do that.
}
} > N
}
} You are on a field overlooking the sea. There are artichokes here.
}
} > RUN AWAY!
}
} Good Choice.  Which direction?
}
} > N
}
} You are in a seaside swamp.  It smells terrible here.
}
} The road now travels to the west and to the south.
}
} > W
}
} You are in a medium-sized city containing a rather amusing notion of an
} amusement park.
}
} The road leads to the east and west.  There is also another road to the
} north.
}
} > N
}
} You enter CA-17 and accelerate.  The speed limit is 50 mph, so you
} naturally travel at about 90.  You are able to cope with the curves for
} about 1/2 mile, when you hurtle into the concrete median divider and
} you and your car explode in a fiery wreck.  The accident also kills the
} 37 tailgaters behind you and the person trying to pass on the margin to
} the left.
}
} You are dead.
}
} You have scored -380 points.
}
} You owe the Oracle 550 metric tons of Valium, to be administered to all
} U.S. drivers west of the Mississippi, and about 80 million baseball
} bats to be used in a similar manner.


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