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Internet Oracularities #1107

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Internet Oracularities #1107    (59 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 07:49:17 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1107
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1107  59 votes jt740 6lj94 1gij5 dcde7 28hn9 16sh7 3aegg a7cjb 4ns31 15rl5
1107  3.0 mean  1.9   2.7   3.2   2.8   3.5   3.4   3.5   3.2   2.6   3.4


1107-01    (jt740 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who can run the entire French GP with no pitstops, even
> if thy starts with only three drops of petrol in thy fuel tanks, and
> still win, pray hear my plea.
>
> Orrie, I've got to know. Is Damon Hill testing for the Jordan Team in
> Silverstone right now, and if so, how is he getting on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He is, but he's getting on very poorly. He got his tournaments mixed
} up, and is now fully dressed in a crash suit and representing M.
} Jordon Primary School at table tennis.


1107-02    (6lj94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh Oracle,
> Oh wonderous Oracle,
> Oh Oracle the Know-all being,
>
> Tell me a detail that everyone missed,
> Tell me the facts and the stories of bliss,
>
> Oracle oh Oracle,
> Oh we love the Oracle,
> The Oracle knows it all!
>
> Mr Oracle please, could you tell me why it is I only ever get a huge
> amount of work on the week I want to take a day off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From a distance the work looks new and clean
}    and is marketing's delight.
} From a distance the inbox meets the out
}    and the paper trail is light.
} From a distance there's no telephone to
}    echo throughout the land.
} It's a hope for joy, it's a hope to please,
}    it's the hope of everyman.
}
} From a distance we all are bugged,
}    oh yes, we are indeed.
} There are no walls, no stalls, no cover
}    and no privacy to heed.
} From a distance we are all pawns you see,
}     marching to a harsh command,
} With no hope for joy, with no way to please,
}    with no hope for any man.
}
} Boss is watching us, Boss is watching us,
}    Boss is watching us from a distance
}
} From a distance he looks like your friend
}    even though he is a bore.
} From a distance he can't comprehend
}    what you do all of your work for.
} But he needs you and all of your skills;
}    to give _his_ review all you can.
} Give up all your hopes, Give up all your time,
}    gone's the heart of everyman.
}
} Boss is watching us, Boss is watching us,
}    Boss is watching us from a distance
} Give up all your hopes, Give up all your time,
}    gone's the heart of everyman.
}
} You owe the Oracle no more black helicopters.


1107-03    (1gij5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, your smallest thought contains enough wisdom to baffle the
> minds of all the Noble Laureates both past and future,
>
> What happened to the once-proud Elven race that has made them resort to
> making cookies for a living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question, young supplicant.  For this, we shall have to
} look at the most recent archaeological findings in Peru, which prove
} and disprove many traditional beliefs with regard to the Elven race.
} Among the ideas proven are: that the Elven race were indeed proud
} (witness the vast number of religious tracts from well-meaning Gnomes,
} urging the Elves to repent of this deadly sin) and that the Elven race
} did indeed have pointy ears. Indeed, the tracts suggest that the source
} of the Elvish pride was their long and pointy ears, which they
} considered a mark of nobility.
}
} But what was it that caused the fall of the Elven race?  The answer is
} simple.  Spock happened.  The Elves, you see, were proud high-fantasy
} creatures who refused to accept the idea that fantasy and
} science-fiction were essentially the same thing.  So when Mr Spock, a
} patently science-fiction character, appeared on Star Trek with long and
} pointy ears, the Elvish pride suffered.
}
} Then, at that lowest point in Elvish history, Santa Claus stepped in
} and offered the Elves good, honest labour in the North Pole, far from
} the derision of the Gnomes and Trolls and Goblins around them, none of
} whom had any pretensions to high-fantasy nobility.  It was not long
} before the Elves learnt of Mr Claus's passion for milk and cookies,
} and, in gratitude, they began on the path to Cookie Manufacturing.
}
} And they apparently have not looked back since.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of Mr Spock on a silver cookie tray.


1107-04    (dcde7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, whose powers to enlighten outshines the
> brightest supernovas in our Universe, please enlighten this poor
> and lowly toad:
>
> Why is it my nose is always greasy? I wash and I wash to the point
> where my skin is red, but after ten minutes my nose is covered
> with oil. Why is this? And how can I stop it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get some new glasses, yours aren't strong enough anymore. I know, I
} know, they're expensive, but hey, it's not as if a succesfull
} gyneacologist like yourself can't afford them!
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of that cute nurse of yours.


1107-05    (28hn9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who can predict what the command sequence
> FUGLASJG(*&^^C$ will do to a file of LISP source code, pray tell me.
>
> If VI had been written by Microsoft, what would it be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MSUX 82
}
} Username: oracle
} Password:
}
} Welcome to MSUX 98.
}
} $ msvi
} Microsoft vi 98 build 109
} (c) 1998 by Microsoft
}
} Loading
} (15 minutes pass)
} Error: cannot load /usr/ms/msvi8209.dll
} Spell checker not available.
} Error: cannot load /usr/ms/msvi2350.dll
} Grammar checker not available.
} Error: cannot load /usr/ms/msvi6666.dll
} Gopher client not available.
} Error: cannot load /usr/ms/msvi2341.dll
} Kitchen sink not available.
} Ready
} ~
} ~
} ~
} ~
} Page fault (core dumped)
} $
}
} Any questions?
}
} You owe the Oracle a hard drive big enough to hold Microsoft Emacs.


1107-06    (16sh7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle...who is more painful then an ice-cream headache.
> Please tell me!!
> I walked in on my wife in bed with another man, she said he was just
> helping her tighten some screws...OK i could see that might be true.
>
> The next day i came home early and when I opened the door she was
> sliding off the kitchen table and pulling down her skirt... The plumber
> was there pulling up his pants... she said he was just checking the
> pipes, and she was on the table to hold the flashlight .(funny I don't
> remember seeing a flashlight) I said OK...and I think more plumber
> should pull up their pants.
>
> Then I went to pick her up at the mechanic and as I walked in I could
> see her sitting on the hood jumping up and down with the mechanic in
> front of her between her legs.
> She said they were just trying to get the hood to latch. I said
> OK...but it looked all right to me.
>
> Anyway, I'm starting to think maybe something isn't right.... My
> question is..
>
> Should I be worried?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell yes! You've got a broken hood, leaky pipes in your kitchen table
} (something I always hate), and a couple of screws loose!
}
} You owe the Oracle a few minutes with your wife. I'd like to talk to
} her about... er... the... um... sofa.  Yeah, the sofa.


1107-07    (3aegg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What is your default reply?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Presenting the Internet Oracle's
}
} TOP 101 ORACULAR RESPONSES!
}
} 1. Og here.  Og answer question.  Og smart.
} 2. B1FF H3R3.  0R4|<|_E R00|_Z D00D!  Y00 2UC|< !!!!!1!!!11!!1!
} 3. No, I _never_ get answers mixed up and reply to the wrong question.
} 4. Read the FAQ.
} 5. Nafjre va EBG-13.
} 6. There is no answer 6.
} 7. Complain about the evil $FREEMAIL queue-drainer.
} 8. Oops, that was from the Top 101 Supplications.
} 9. Answers in verse form are always received well.
} 10. Lame joke that crosses the Bill Gates with Hell.
} 11. Supplicant, supplicant, why must you whine?
} 12. Reread those four lines again; you'll get 9.
} 13. Introduce yet another priest.
} 14. Accidentally introduce another priest by misspelling 'Zadoc'.
} 15. Kill off one or more of said priests.
} 16. Good Oracle            | 17. Evil Oracle
} 18. Answer everything      | 19. Zot for no grovel
} 20. Good funny list        | 21. Cheat by doubling-up items
} 22. Translate some random junk through the Babelfish and back.
} 23. It was yet another boring day at the office.
} 24. The scene: an Oracle, P.I. spoof.
} 25. The stranger walked into my office and handed me a telegram.
} 26. I realized it was Zadoc and sent him back to floor-scrubbing.
} 27. The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask.
} 28. Another form of
} 29. Verse is the traditional
} 30. Japanese haiku.
} 31. Include lots of tuna.  Your cats will love it!
} 32. LOOK
} 33. You are in an Infocom text adventure parody.
} 34. You are carrying:
} 35.   A bottle of soy sauce left over from the early days
} 36.   A cursed Staff of Zot -2
} 37. Washington DC is to the south.
} 38. SOUTH
} 39. You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
} 40. The Unix terminals are to the east.
} 41. EAST
} 42. bash-2.03$ zot -9 supplicant
} 43. bash-2.03$ finger lisa
} 44. The Oracle appears and rips off your finger as it approaches Lisa.
} 45. You have died.
} 46. Your score: 3 points out of a possible 00.
} 47. Whoops, little P2K problem there...
} 48. Top 10 lists.
} 49. Top 101 lists.
} 50. Attempt a 101-list, but get bored and fizzle out in the middle.
} 51. Good thing this isn't one of those.
} 52. Who said it isn't?
} 53. Yeah! Sure looks like it to me...
} 54. Cap'n, she canna take another Star Trek parody!
} 55. Intentionally misinterpret the supplicant's question.
} 56. No, What's on second and wasn't part of Default's reply.
} 57. Presenting the Internet Oracle's TOP 101 ORACULAR RESPONSES!
}    1. Og here.  Og answer question.  Og smart.
}    2. B1FF H3R3.  0R4|<|_E R00|_Z D00D!
}    [...]
} 58. STACK OVERFLOW
} 59. Oraculation fault; core dumped
} 60. Make an jn-joke reference to a certajn newsfroup.
} 61. Oracle to Zadoc: Pass it down the hierarchy in a game of 'telephone'
} 62. Zadoc: Hey Lisa, what's up with the master's higher telephone?
} 63. Lisa to secretary: Orrie's phone broke.  Could you order one?
} 64. Secretary to janitor: The boss needs a bone.  I dunno why...
} 65. **ZZZZZZOOOOOOOTTTTTT**
} 66. Zot the AOL incarnation who supplied the previous answer.
} 67. Zot the supplicant complaining about all the zotting.
} 68. The surrealism in the pond utters an azure cry.
} 69. huh huh hehehehe yeah yeah he said 'sixty-nine'! heh heh
} 70. Ever since I was a young god, I've played to rewrite songs.
} 71. From Pink Floyd down to rappin', I never get 'em wrong.
} 72. But I ain't seen nothing like it, in no one knows how long;
} 73. That deaf, stoned, and high band, sure got a big mean bong.
} 74. Lots of custard (see 900-10.)  Your cats will love it!
} 75. NEW YORK (AP) -- The Oracle issued a news release today.
} 76. Game show style!  Here's your host, Internet Orrrrracle!
} 77. Lots of whipping and bondage.  Your priests will love it!
} 78. This answer intentionally left blank.
} 79. Alliteration always amuses all attendees.
} 80. This answer unintentionally left blank.  Lousy incompetent priests..
} 81. Pine for the good old days, when men were men and Digests were funny
} 82. Lynx for the good old days, too.
} 83. Use lots of cheap puns.  I like the Bic blue erasable puns myself.
} 84. Alright, alright, I'll stop the pun-ishment before I get pun-ched.
} 85. Mu.
} 86. void answer_in_geek_style() {
} 87.   if ((strlen(grovel) < 30) || iswoodchuck(question))
} 88.     zot(supplicant);
} 89.   else {
} 90.     write_funny_answer();
} 91.     if (rand(10) = 1) digest(answer); } }
} 5C. True geeks would've numbered in hexadecimal.
} 135. But only weirdos use octal.
} 94. Yoda, in the style of, answer, hmmm?
} 95. This is the answer that never ends...
} 96. Yes, it goes on and on my friend...
} 97. *thwack* It's gonna end in a matter of moments.
} 98. Zounds! It's the Puzzler!  "Default reply?"  Hmm... I got it!
} 99. "Deaf All Records", on Ply St.!  To the Oraclemobile, Zadoc!
} 100. Holy three-digits, Oracle!  You did it!
} 101. You owe the Oracle a cure for the carpal tunnel I got writing this.


1107-08    (a7cjb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle...
>
> Will phenylalanine really make me go blind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


1107-09    (4ns31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fated Oracle, this is your fetid supplicant.  Please tell me why I
> am such a loser.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant:
}
} More information is required for a socially responsible answer.
} More grovelling would also be appreciated, as tipping is unnecessary.
}
} As for your dire query, I can offer this glimmer of hope: anyone who
} knows the word "fetid," let alone uses it with such casual aplomb,
} is no unmitigated loser.  In sheer SAT/GRE terms, you've already got
} the drop on most other higher primates.
}
} However, if you are indeed fetid, the Oracle recommends a vigorous
} shower and a modest lifestyle overhaul, consisting of more regular
} hours, more sleep, more fiber in your diet, and more fluids.  And when
} you shower, don't forget your belly button.
}
} The Oracle requires of you a gift pack of aromatherapy oils and a
} playful (as opposed to sexual) massage.  And you thought you were a
} loser [ha!]!


1107-10    (15rl5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most well preserved, you are the one to whom we look for
> wisdom, You are most wise,
>
> What are the advantages/disadvantages of cremation over burial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many pros and cons to both cremation and burial, ranging from
} the absurdly obvious to the conveniently vague. As an example, the
} following is just a brief listing that compares some of the
} benefits/costs of the two:
}
} Cremation
} -----------
} + Now you fit into anything.
} + You're easier to clean up if spilled.
} - You're easily spilled.
} + If someone is chasing you, you can hide in an ashtray.
} - If they ever figure out how to raise the dead, well . . . you're
} screwed.
} + No more fingerprints at the scene of crimes.
} - Strong breezes are your enemy.
} - Vacuum cleaners are your other enemy.
} - Sneezes are your other other enemy.
} + Your mom can't ever make you wear a tie again!
} - No more lip action from the honeys.
} + You fit in the overhead bin on most commercial aircraft.
} + Your family can still take you on vacations and to special events.
} + You get to hang out in a fancy container - kinda like the Genie in
} Aladdin!
}
} Burial
} -----------
} - Though thinner, you still have to find one last outfit that fits.
} - Your stomach is empty for eternity.
} + If someone ever finds a cure for death, you still got a shell to move
} back into.
} - Grave robbers.
} + You've still got your rugged (if wax-like) good looks.
} + Even though you're dead, you probably still look better than Abe
} Vigoda.
} - Your mother will probably make you wear a tie, even to your own
} funeral.
} + You're dead, sure, but at least you get one last kiss from all the
} babes at your funeral.
} - You know how your mom always told you if you made a face it would
} stay that way? Welcome to forever.
} - Your family crams you in the ground and mostly forgets about you.
} - Cemetery personnel may remove you from your $6000 box and re-bury you
} in a $6.00 plywood replacement . . . with no lid.
}
} This list is by no means exhaustive, and you can certainly come up with
} some more on your own. As you can see, however, cremation does seem to
} be favored over burial in several ways. The ultimate decision comes
} down to whether you prefer to spend eternity in a cold, dank box with
} critters scurrying up your dead orifices. Or, would you rather have
} your just deceased body shoved into a 4000 degree furnace and cooked
} until not even your teeth are left behind? I know, both choices have
} their appeal, but one day you'll have to decide. Could be tomorrow . .
} Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh . . .
} Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha . . . .
} BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle some more maniacal laughter.


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