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Internet Oracularities #1108

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Internet Oracularities #1108    (61 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 07:15:21 -0500 (EST)

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   1108
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1108  61 votes 2btg3 18js5 7fn97 6gnd3 f8ff8 4gnc6 dhae7 19iif 29tba 9mdf2
1108  3.1 mean  3.1   3.5   2.9   2.9   2.9   3.0   2.8   3.6   3.3   2.7


1108-01    (2btg3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most frumious,
>
> What mean all these mysteries to me, whose life is full of indices and
> surds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lewis, I had been meaning to have a word or two with you about your
} rather distressingly poor comprehension of the English language.  You
} see, aside from modern masters such a James Joyce, writers commonly
} make use of words that can be understood by other human beings,
} preferably those proficient with a certain language.  To go about
} frumiously concocting syllabic expressions with no more meaning than
} minced cabbage is tantamount to paraballing the septine larbet.
} Indeed, I have found that when conversing with fellow deities, those
} who specialize in communicating directly with mortal bandersnatches
} are having increasing difficulty making out what their respective
} supplicants are trying to say, and I assure you that parsing complex
} directives is not in the job descriptions of these various beings,
} although they are generally given a mortal smirching law, if you
} catch my meaning.
}
} So, in short, sir, I suggest that you arbitrafy and generally
} compositoriate your snumilling and egregious maffle-doffing.  Oh, and
} keep your daughter away from rabbit holes while you're at it.  They
} can be quite dangerous.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vorpal sword.  (This Zot staff is getting rather
} dull from repeated use.)


1108-02    (18js5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's Malibu Beach House is the envy of the Mrs.
> Medford's 5th grade class and even that stuck-up Miranda...
>
> Please tell me all about the commemorative edition "Barbies" that
> never made it to the market, and maybe a little bit about what we
> can expect from the Barbie of the next century.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There have been quite a few unusual concept-Barbies, mostly (but
} not all) commemorative editions, that were deemed unsuitable for
} mass release for a number of reasons.   Some are rather boring, and
} I won't bother you with the details, but here, for the record, are,
} in no particular order, the more interesting rejected Barbie concepts.
}
} (1)  "Exorcist" 20th Anniversary Edition.  Came with a special can of
}      pea soup for vomiting action, and a small motor for automatic 360
}      degree head turning.
} (2)  "Barb Wire" Commemorative Edition.   Rejected by the film makers
}      as being more realistic than the actual actress, one P. Anderson.
} (3)  Monica Lewinsky Presidential Impeachment Commemorative Edition
}      Barbie. All prototypes and production models were seized by the
}      FBI and are now held in a sealed vault at the White House, where
}      Clinton plays with them. However, I can exclusively reveal that
}      they came with a rather more realistic body moulding than usual,
}      a special cigar accessory and stained clothing.  There was also
}      supposed to be a matching Ken doll, at least until Mr Starr
}      objected.
} (4)  Lifesize inflatable Barbie with realistic "openings" and vibrating
}      action.  Rejected as not being entirely in step with the rest of
}      the range. Only existing versions are owned by the directors of
}      the firm, who tend to take them on business trips with them.
} (5)  "Boxing Helena" Commemorative Edition.  Had removable arms and
}      legs.  Rejected as it was considered to be a bit gross, and because
}      the film was, frankly, awful.
} (6)  "Bride of Frankenstein" 50th Anniversary Edition.  Rejected due
}      to not matching up to the beauty standards enforced across the
}      whole Barbie range, and because the stitching tended to snap, which
}      meant that limbs or the head tended to fall off at random
}      intervals.  Interestingly, the Bride of Frankenstein Barbie was
}      simply a slight redesign of the Boxing Helena Barbie.
} (7)  Computer Hacker Barbie.  Rejected as being totally and utterly
}      implausible.
} (8)  Transexual Barbie.  An interesting concept put forward by a
}      designer who had originally worked on the Transformers range of
}      toys and was having difficulty letting go.
} (9)  "Crying Game" Commemorative Edition.  Designed as a replica of Dil,
}      the character played by Jaye Davidson in the film.   Almost reached
}      the market, but was withdrawn at the last minute after one of the
}      company directors actually went to see the movie.
} (10) Diana and Dodi Commemorative Edition Barbie and Ken set.
}      Commissioned by Mohammed Al-Fayed, but was later rejected after
}      complaints about the proposed Parisian Tunnel playset.
} (11) "Alien" 10th Anniversary Edition.  Was fitted with an implausibly
}      cute chestburster alien, and came with a supply of fake blood,
}      which was flung everywhere by small hydraulic setups when the
}      button was pressed.
} (12) She-Hulk Commemorative Edition.   Came with green dye and a pump
}      system to increase muscle size.   Rumoured to be the original
}      inspiration for the lifesize inflatable model after a prototype
}      got badly over-inflated.
}
} For the medium-term future, there aren't going to be an major
} innovations in the Barbie line.   The usual collection of new versions
} will appear, but nothing particularly new until the summer of 2003,
} which is when Microsoft, in a desperate attempt to broaden their
} horizons, buy up Barbie's holding company.   At this point, things
} become very different.   The standard Barbie will be phased out by
} the spring of 2006 (making them incredibly collectable - hint, hint),
} to be replaced by the newer versions.  These, which will be referred
} to as Barbie Personal Assistants, will have interactive technology
} built in, allowing them to recognise voices and respond in kind.
} They will act as a personal organiser, storing telephone numbers,
} addresses, appointments and so on, and can output information in any
} one of a number of voices stored within the doll, including, but not
} limited to, Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kate Winslet and,
} rather unusually, Barry White.   In autumn 2008, a new breakthrough
} will allow advanced robotic Barbie Personal Assistants, capable of
} walking around rather than having to be carried.   An impressive
} musculature simulation system will make them effectively capable of
} mimicking any human gesture. At this point, the lifesize model will
} be re-released, and will become incredibly popular.
}
} I hope that helps.


1108-03    (7fn97 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me this, oracular one
> How'd you teach Zadoc to answer the phone?
> Why doesn't Lisa wear any clothes,
> And what is that growing on Ogwa's toes?
>
> What is the computer in the corner for,
> And what's with the marble you use for a floor?
> What's with the legion of goons by the door,
> And leopard skin wallpaper is cool, I'm sure.
>
> How many pillows are on your bed?
> After you Zot, do you dispose of the dead?
> Did you let all this power go to your head?
> Or is waking each morning something you dread?
>
> Who puts that incredible shine on your shoes?
> How do you find time for the queue you peruse?
> When writing your answers how do you choose
> Which variety of answer to use?
>
> Your hair is so nice. Is a wig on your head?
> Your jacket for smoking; is it green or red?
> You've eggs in the morning but what kind of bread?
> Do servants follow you into the head?
>
> How do you feel about questions like these?
> How do you keep Zadoc from itching with fleas?
> Thanks for your time.  Would you care for some cheese?
> Will you answer me kindly in your response please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After the fashion of dazzling men,
} With vim in my blood I pick up my pen,
} And set out for you, o Supplicant mine,
} Coupleted quatrains, styled anapestine.
}
} Verses, like hearses, 'port dead feet and wit,
} Meandering poorly from church to spit,
} Where the poet is roasted, tied to his quill--
} This never'd have happened to Stratford's Will.
}
} With Zadoc you start-- and end too, I see--
} Perhaps you subscribe to his helpful daily?
} In't he whining explains his many sad woes,
} And answers questions regarding his toes.
}
} But as to the phone and Zad's answering skill,
} I fear I must tell you he was useless until
} I developed a sort of shock therapy,
} And, e'en then, rats learned faster than he.
}
} But seeing him twitch with each ill-answered call,
} Would strengthen the hearts and souls of us all.
} As to my Lisa's peculiar habit
} To go out in public not wearing a whit,
}
} I must say at first I objected harshly,
} But she quickly convinced me I was silly.
} Merchants now give her deals fantastic
} Merely to watch her saunter and frolic
}
} About in their aisles, clothed but by hair,
} Having forgotten to buy something to wear.
} Ah, Lisa my love will never displease me,
} So long as she dons but her clear negligee.
}
} But as to the toes of dear _Ogwa_,
} So stylish and slim, that fascinate you,
} They brim with filth and crustaceans
} In the awkward style of ancient nations.
}
} The machine in the corner, an Apple G3,
} Amuses my grandkids when they come to see me.
} As to the marble, from Turkish warehouses,
} I find I prefer floors which go well with the louses
}
} Who mumble in kneeling and begging mercy,
} And who naturally I zot most carefully,
} So that the stains they deposit after the blast
} Do not with my polished marble floor clash.
}
} The goons, you see, are a necessary precaution,
} To stop any woodchucks to dare to walk in.
} The goons then deposit stiff-legged marmots
} With telemarketers, beyond those grommets,
}
} Where, in cavernous caves the beasts do battle,
} Each race treating the other as their own breed of cattle.
} As for my pillows, I've many-- too many to count--
} But it's near one div zero, if you know that amount.
}
} As to the zotted, there's not much to dispose,
} As I've mentioned, their stains do sit at my toes.
} I oftentimes sit smiling as I stare at those spots,
} And recall with perverse pleasure the strength of my zots.
}
} As to my head and this power and dreading the day,
} "Alas, my ill job," I never would say,
} Indeed to be God is a wonderful thing,
} Though, for copyright purposes, I can't claim to be king.
}
} But now I grow weary of your pointless questions,
} And wonder, o Supplicant, whence come these whims.
} Are you so starved for a life that you must wander in here,
} And query my every rug, book, and beer?
}
} Indeed there is more to mortal existence
} Than wandering around and asking questions.
} For example, you could incarnate and reply to some sap,
} Particularly one who asks questions like you have.
}
} It's tough to be Oracle, it's tough to know all,
} Particularly without leopard skins on the wall.
} But I get my shoes shined by divine messengers,
} I comb my soft hair and greet questioners
}
} With eternal grace and mild wit to boot,
} And occasionally I pick a Supplicant to shoot.
} In this way I stay young and vibrant and smart,
} And follow the ways of my immortal art.
}
} Oh, by the way, Supplicant dear,
} You owe the Oracle a fresh, cool new beer.


1108-04    (6gnd3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wondrous Oracle, So Wise In The Ways Of Men,
>
> I broke the clip thing on my pen.  How best shall I carry it around
> now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmph.  Middling grovel at best.
}
} Well, anyway, the clip thing should fit in your pocket nicely,
} particularly if it's not attached to that oversized pen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new nib.


1108-05    (f8ff8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>
>
>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One, two, three, four, five, SIX!  Six brackets! Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah!
}
} You owe the Oracle more things to count.


1108-06    (4gnc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <davis@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and long-suffering Oracle, wouldn't it have been nice if John
> F. Kennedy Jr. had taken a few woodchucks down with him in that plane?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The plane was already overloaded quite dangerously. Take a gander
} at some of the items that -were- on that ill-fated plane;
}
} 10. Three decades of unwarranted hopes of a nonexistent Camelot.
} 09. A sickening amount of celebrity fawning.
} 08. A pair of careers constructed entirely of awkwardly arranged
}     photo-ops.
} 07. A larger than life facade of success.
} 06. Too much emotional baggage, most of which was empty.
} 05. A lifetime's worth of media glare.
} 04. A weighty name of considerable coinage, but of increasingly little
}     worth.
} 03. A leftover curse once given to his great grandfather.
} 02. Some faded grainy memories in black in white.
} 01. Two fifths of Irish whiskey, one empty, one half full.
}
} It's a wonder the damned plane got off the tarmac.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bootlegging empire and a legal sized fish that he
} won't have to throw back into the water


1108-07    (dhae7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <davis@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most cheese-filled and nice,
> Why does it smell funny in here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clown farts.
}
} Hey, man, *you* asked.
} You owe the Oracle fried mozzarella sticks from France.


1108-08    (19iif dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, who can survive a gunfight with an Orc.
>
> What would "The Lord of the Rings" as written by Louis L'Amour have
> been like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  The Outlaws of the Ring
}
} In which Bilbo Logan, a wealthy rancher from Shire County, Tennessee,
} gives a ring to his nephew Frodo.  Marshall Gandalf tells Frodo that
} it is a signet ring belonging to the famous outlaw Sauron, and must
} be destroyed. Frodo and his sidekick, Sam, saddle up and ride off
} in search of the badlands of Mordor, New Mexico, along with a posse
} of rough-and-tumble compadres.  They meet up with the Indian Chief
} Elrond Pointy-Ears, and Aragorn, a Texas Ranger, joins the posse.
}
} One of the posse men, however, turns out to be lower than a rattlesnake
} in the Grand Canyon, and pulls a gun on Frodo when they're alone.
} They fight it out near a cliff, and Frodo manages to get away with
} Sam's help.
}
} 2.  The Two Mesas
}
} In which the posse is split up, and scours the New Mexico landscape for
} signs of Frodo and Sam.  Peregrine "Perry" Took and Doc M Brandybuck
} meet a tribe of Indians called the Entpache, who help them in a
} gunfight with the outlaw Saruman.  They manage to capture and string
} up Saruman's gang, but Saruman himself gets away.  Aragorn and the
} rest of the posse arrive at the town of Miner's Tithe and confer with
} the sheriff.
}
} Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam make their way closer to the Mordor badlands.
} They meet a tenderfoot named Gollum who claims to know the way into
} Mordor. Gollum betrays them near the hideout, and Frodo is attacked
} by an ancient she-jackal.  Sam empties his gun into the jackal,
} but Frodo is captured.
}
} 3.  The Return of the Law
}
} In which Sauron's bandits attack the town of Miners' Tithe, and
} are engaged in a huge gunfight by Aragorn and various rangers and
} former Pinkerechton men.  Sauron's right-hand man is shot down by
} the sheriff's daughter Calamity Eowyn, and the remaining bandits
} are defeated.  Aragorn turns out to be the long-lost heir to a huge
} Texas oil fortune.  He marries the niece of Chief Pointy-Ears, and
} settles down to life on a sprawling ranch near Elrond Paso.
}
} Meanwhile, Sam manages to rescue Frodo from Sauron's men.  Frodo
} attempts to destroy the ring by casting it into a giant tar pit.
} Gollum attacks Frodo and they brawl perilously close to the edge of
} the pit.  Gollum gets the ring, but falls into the pit.  With the
} signet ring destroyed, Sauron can no longer claim his identity,
} and is therefore defeated.
}
} Everybody goes home to Shire county.  They find that Saruman (remember
} him?) has taken control of the town, but they evict him easily.
} Frodo meets up with his uncle Bilbo one last time, and they ride off
} into the sunset.
}
} You ow the Oracle a copy of "Barchester Towers" as written by Raymond
} Chandler.


1108-09    (29tba dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> what are the questions normally asked in an interview in
> developer 2000?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it really hasn't changed much in the last 12.5 billion years, but
} let me see if I can dig up a copy of the proposed script  . . . hang
} on, I'll be right back . . .
}
} . . . . let's see . . . volleyball/badminton net (no ball or
} shuttlecocks, though) . . . sled, wagon, tricycle . . . Big Wheel,
} Green Machine . . . Barbie Dreamhouse -er- not mine, of course!!! . . .
}  aha!
}
} "Developer2000: Proposed Interview Questions
}
} 1) Tell us a little bit about yourself.
} 2) A little more.
} 3) C'mon, MORE!
} 4) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
} 5) Where did you see yourself 5 years ago?
} 6) Do you know COBOL?
} 7) I don't care if you're an MCSE and CCIE and programmed a best
}    selling application in Visual Basic - DO - YOU - KNOW - COBOL???
} 8) Can you help us prepare for Y10K issues? 'Cuz once the year 9999
}    starts to roll over to 0000, we're all gonna be in deep stinky . . .
} 9) Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
} 10) Would you like to?
} 11) Most of our staff committed suicide on Jan. 1 - do you know how to
}     run a Neopost Mail Processing machine?
} 12) Would an offer of $275,000 per year be an insult to you?
} 13) If you get this position, do you plan to grow a ponytail and Van
}     Dyke in the hopes of drawing attention from the glaring, Friar Tuck
}     bald spot on your head?
} 14) If you get this position, do you plan to run out and buy a Porsche
}     Boxter even though your 300 pound ass has no chance of fitting into
}     it?
} 15) If you get this position, will your lunch plans be upgraded to the
}     Colonel's 20-piece bucket?
} 15a) Extra Crispy?
} 16) How many dates have you had in the past 3 years?
} 17) No, cousin Susie doesn't count.
} 18) Neither do escort services.
} 19) If your answer to 16 was greater than or equal to 1, please apply
}     for our Help Desk position. If less than 1, continue.
} 20) How do you feel about corporal punishment in the workplace?
} 21) This suit that you're wearing to the interview - you're going to
}     wear it on your first day of work, too, aren't you?
} 22) What is that? Eczema?
} 23) Who's your daddy?! WHO's - YOUR - DADDY?!!
} 24) Can you program for Macintosh OS X?
} 25) Yes, I *know* you have your MCSE - My friggin' cab driver has *his*
}     MCSE - my neighbor's retarded 5-year-old pet chimpanzee has *its*
}     MCSE 30 percent of the world's population has their MCSE's!!!!! Do
}     you know LINUX?"
}
} You owe the Oracle something that REALLY matters.


1108-10    (9mdf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oooooooooh miraclous Oracle!!!1
>
> Hi
>
> please send me a beautiful and short poem.
>
> Bye
>
> Siavash

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is my favorite:
}
} "There once was a maiden from Boston
}  Who went for a ride on on a boat.
}     I know you may think
}     that all Limericks rhyme,
}  but actually you'll find they done have to."
}
} ... pretty good, huh?


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