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Internet Oracularities #1109

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1109, 1109-01, 1109-02, 1109-03, 1109-04, 1109-05, 1109-06, 1109-07, 1109-08, 1109-09, 1109-10


Internet Oracularities #1109    (64 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 14:20:33 -0500 (EST)

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   1109
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1109  64 votes 4hmf6 5dya2 fqf71 fof73 3bqj5 bkk76 2eti1 4ko97 4ejn4 9bjeb
1109  2.9 mean  3.0   2.9   2.3   2.4   3.2   2.6   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.1


1109-01    (4hmf6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <davis@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Plump Oracle, I'm sure you will understand. There's this girl I really
> like. She's very pretty. I think she might like me, except that I am a
> bit overweight. Sitting here at my computer I need two chairs. I have
> heard that you are a Large Guy yourself, so I'm sure you can help me.
>
> What is the best way to get her to go out with me. I'm a bit shy to ask
> her, because everyone laughs at me if they even see me -talking- to a
> girl because of my weight and my face. I didn't tell you earlier, but I
> have severe acne that started just last year. I wear very strong
> glasses, too.
>
> Oh, and I'm not in the computer business, so I'm not rich like Bill
> what's-hiz-name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, my fleshly friend, let's understand that, although I am of
} enormous stature and vast intellect, I am in no way "plump," thank you
} very much. If you're going to attempt any communication with a woman,
} you must learn to grovel properly.
}
} Now, my porcine parasite, you must turn your liabilities into assets.
} Think of all the fabulous things that you, a man of girth, have to
} offer a young maiden:
}
} 1. Your tremendous shadow can always keep the sun out of her eyes.
} 2. You come in handy at dinner... never any leftovers.
} 3. You're fun to hug (think "cuddly").
} 4. You'll always make her feel thin.
} 5. You make a fantastic pillow.
} 6. There's always plenty of room on your lap.
} 7. Fat people ARE more fun; know any jolly, thin people?
} 8. You'll eat anything she cooks.
} 9. You can hide things in your belly folds (hours of fun, I'm sure).
} 10. You make the biggest splash in the pool (tres impressive).
}
} The important thing, above all, is confidence. Yes, my good man,
} believe in yourself and she will believe in you! Carry yourself with
} pride, speak with conviction, and remember to smile. Show her the
} person you truly are beneath that disgusting, obese, greasy,
} pock-marked, four-eyed, repugnant, destitute, slothful, offensive,
} odiferous, pathetic, miserable exterior of yours. Good luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle... hey, you gonna eat that?


1109-02    (5dya2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who could have churned out screenplays for
> buddy flicks, chick flicks, action-adventure serials, and
> indie ensemble pics by the score, if only he had put his
> mind to it,
>
> What sort of adventures will James Bond be getting into
> in ten years, and who will be playing him?  And will we
> still care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you asked. Since Pierce Brosnan has decided to wimp out after the
} next big Bond production, I dug up some audition tapes that won't
} actually exist for a few years. Some notable names here, too. Ian
} McKellan, John Cleese, Ewan MacGregor, it's a very long list. Among the
} 581 audition tapes, there are some oddities that will eventually turn
} up on an episode of Fox's "World's Most Unusual Audition Tapes 8."
}
} [Audition 47]
}
} Director (off-screen): "You've been in a high speed car chase across
} London, through the Chunnel, into France, and back, causing the villain
} to crash into the side of the Chunnel, killing him instantly and
} allowing channel water to enter the tunnel at an increasing rate.
} You've just escaped by the skin of your teeth."
}
} Bruce Willis: "That was close. Damn, I need a shave."
}
} [Audition 82]
}
} Samuel L. Jackson: "Shit."
}
} [Audition 129]
}
} Pauly Shore: "Almost drowned my wee-sel. [Followed by a strange noise
} he makes with his mouth that I assume is supposed to be a weasel or
} chipmunk or something.]"
}
} [Audition 216]
}
} Robbie Knievel: "Man, you mean I was supposed to go *into* the tunnel?"
}
} As for who gets the part, well, Liam Neeson has shown some interest.
} But Ewan MacGregor will get the role and, no, we won't care.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Q full of intelligent questions.


1109-03    (fqf71 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I tell my roomate how bad his breath really is?  Or will it hurt
> his feelings too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, how to tell you, hmm... it might shock you but... well, you have
} NO roomate. In fact, you are sleeping in front of a miror, and guess
} what ? Mirroirs don't breath...
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to stop getting up secretely in the night
} to devour garlic.


1109-04    (fof73 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear sir:
>
> I represent the Committee for the Rights of All Supplicants (CRAS).
> It has been brought to my attention that you have been ZOTting
> supplicants for no apparent cause, later claiming it was because
> they wrote a stupid question.  This practice is a clear violation
> of their civil rights and I must request that you cease this immoral
> practice immediately.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Richard Cranium, Attorney at Law

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh.  Not again.
}
} <<ZOT>>
}
} Zadoc, order a hundred more Zot staves!  The ATF is comin' soon!


1109-05    (3bqj5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh Oracle, where for art thou, Oracle...
>
> This morning I got a call from the F.B.I. (no, really). They're doing a
> background check on me to determine if my Top Secret (hah!) clearance
> should be renewed for the job I've applied for. (I'm not supposed to to
> tell anyone, but the initials of the government agency I've applied to
> are C... I... A...  -- and they're located in Langley, Virginia.)
>
> Anyway, they asked the usual questions: Am I now or have I ever been a
> member of the Communist Party [no]; do I know or have I ever used any
> illegal drugs, including, but not limited to heroin, powdered cocaine,
> smokable ("crack") cocaine, methamphetamine... und so weiter, und so
> weiter, und so weiter... [no]; am I now or have I ever been an active
> homosexual [no]; am I now or have I ever been married [yes]; have I
> ever committed adultry [no]...
>
> And then, the strangest question of all... a question so out of this
> world that even a Special Agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation
> had to clear his throat three or four times before he could bring
> himself to actually ask it:
>
> [drum roll, please...]
>
> "Have you wet your bed in the past five years?"
>
> This, of course, has serious security implications for the United
> States of America. I could be shagging sheep on the White House lawn
> and still get an Eyes Only clearance with NSA, DIA, DMA, NRO and
> sixteen other agencies that, if I even wrote the initials, I could do
> serious prison time. Yet, these yahoo feebies actually asked me if I
> wet my bed?
>
> So, my question is this: Who do you think is going to win the World
> Series.
>
> Yours most groveling,
>
> John Smith
> [not my real name]
>
> P.S. Oddly enough, everything I've written is absolutely true. I don't
> blame you if you don't believe it, because, frankly, I find it kind of
> bizarre myself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > So, my question is this: Who do you think is going to win the
} > World Series.
}
} As a matter of routine I do not answer questions the answers to
} which are the subject of bets. This includes, but is not limited to,
} sporting events, elections, stock prices & the flight patterns of
} white tailed kites.
}
} As for wetting your bed question. that was a test of your machismo,
} which you failed miserably. Which may be A Good Thing. The correct
} answer is, "I make her sleep on the wet spot."
}
} Tacky and not progressive I know, but hey, those are the folks that
} provide the info that enabled the most powerful nation on earth to
} bomb an aspirin plant in one of the most backward parts of the world.
}
} You owe the Oracle the clipper escrow code.


1109-06    (bkk76 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracular One, your knowledge of all things from the profound to
> the mundane will be forever unsurpassed.  Please explain to me this
> mystery that has been my torment through the ages:
>
> Why are traffic lights in California painted black?  In all other
> places this humble supplicant has traveled to, they are painted orange.
>  What is going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's not black paint, that's caked on Marijuana smoke.
}
} You owe The Oracle some cookies, I've got 'The Munchies' like you
} wouldn't believe.


1109-07    (2eti1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> If I have two people tied up in the trunk of my car, can I use the
> diamond lane?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Absolutely not.  That lane was meant for people who are
} carpooling.
}
} Well, actually you could... But tomorrow, you would have to get in the
} trunk yourself and let one of the tied up people drive as it would be
} their turn.  Unless you're willing to do this, the answer is still no.
}
} You owe the oracle Mario Puzo's autograph.


1109-08    (4ko97 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Which is better LIFE or TIME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all apples and oranges, dear supplicant. I may as well be a
} FORTUNE teller if I tell you which NEWSWEEKly to spend your hard-earned
} MONEY on. I mean, PEOPLE ask me to choose for them all the TIME. Should
} I eat a bowl of LIFE for breakfast or just grab a Pop-Tart on the way
} OUT the door in the morning? Are my decisions of what to watch on TV
} GUIDEd by the voices in my head, or will I DISCOVER that I just need to
} up my medication? Should I have that SEVENTEENth double latte, or am I
} already too WIRED? IN Case you've yet to figure it out, I think you
} need less work and more PLAY, BOY.
}
} You owe the Oracle a PENTHOUSE apartment... something SWANK.


1109-09    (4ejn4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aaah! Help me! I'm fa
>                      l
>                       l
>                       i
>                        n
>                        g
>                         !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see..  where did I put that trampoline..  Erm..
}
} <rummage, rummage>
}
} Ah, here it is!
}
} <drag, dr..>
}
} Wait!  Hold on a second!  You didn't tell me how great I am and how
} insignifi*splat*
}
} Um..  Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spatula.


1109-10    (9bjeb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pigeon on the wing,
> flying at high altitude,
> gives voice to high coo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Boeings loud noise,
}      flying at regular height
}      bird scared shitless.


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