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21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:59:27 GMT

Internet Oracularities #111

Goto:
111, 111-01, 111-02, 111-03, 111-04, 111-05, 111-06, 111-07, 111-08, 111-09, 111-10


Usenet Oracularities #111    (16 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 29 Jan 90 01:16:25 GMT

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"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

111   16 votes 32740 01663 17530 02365 35521 04363 41452 29113 14542 34531
111   3.0 mean  2.8   3.7   2.6   3.9   2.6   3.5   3.0   2.6   3.1   2.7


111-01    (32740 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quick, our computer is crashing.
>
> What DO i Dooo
>        abouttttt
>             ttttt
>              ttttt
>               ttttt@#$@$@%@%
> My
>   y
>    y
>     y Fi
>         l  s
>          e
>           e
>            e
>                             @#$@#$@#$@#
>                @#$@@@@@@@@@@4234234      @#$@#$$$$$$@#$@#$
>   #$@#$ $@$ 23$@#$ 2#$@#$$$$$$$$@#$@#$@#$@#$
>  23$@$#
>  @$@##$#@$
>  $@$@
>
>
>                  HELP!!!!!!
>                  ^#$$^&&@$@
>
>
>    C
>     R
>      A
>       S
>        H
>         !!!!!!@$@#$@$@#$@#$2
> 24@$@#$@#$2
> 342#$234
> 24@#$23$23
> 423#$23
> 342$2
> 4@#4
> 234234
> 2342
> 42$23
> 4
>
>
>
> Connection closed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmmmmm.  It seems to me that your computer is infected with some
} sort of virus.  I certainly hope you
} have
}      e
}         n
}           '
}             t
}                af466!@$% ected my 2534@!$5 terminal!
}
}       Auuuugggghhhh! You have, you @#$^@&*@#& my fil
}                                                       e
}                                                        e
}                                                         e
}                                                          s!
}
}                                    561 2461313
}
}
} @22@44^%561
} ^$146^111$$4
}
} You owe the oracle a new CPU!


111-02    (01663 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Subject:  Tell Me
>
> O Great and mighty Oracle, whose presence fills even the Trump tower,
> who toejam is worshipped by the lowlyest IRS agent, whose mere presense
> is enough to pop corn, who can open up entire files with but a flick of
> his nail, who can program an entire system (in ANSII minimal basic) in
> the same amount of time that it takes the average man in Grand Central
> Station to piss (35 seconds average), who can bring down an entire fly
> with but a single blow, who can read all of this without getting bored,
> who knows the answer to all questions in the universe, whose spelling is
> never wrong, whose mother always bakes cookies, can converse with
> himself in three different versions of LISP at the same time, whose
> C-programs don't need to be debugged, whose sweat is the deoderant of
> kings and who can topple the highest artificial intelligence with but a
> single word.  And in conclusion, I wish to tell you how great you have
> made my life, how your very presence in the universe gives me a spot of
> light to guide me, whose witty sayings give me insiration in my sleep,
> and whose words are worshipped as the only truth.  Oh great oracle, you
> have inspired me already!  I have invented a new word--'insiration', oh
> Oracle, great is the power of your presence to affect me from so far, oh
> how the ancient babylonians must have worshipped you, oh how the Reagons
> must have adored you.  Your power is as great as the sun, nay, as great
> as all of the suns, filling the universe, pushing out all ignorance,
> killing those who are unworthy to even concieve you!!  Yes you are truly
> great.
>
> I have a question oh Great Oracle, but first let me tell you much I
> revere the mere mention of your knowledge that you bestow upon the
> children you have spawned.  You are the light of knowledge against the
> darkness of ignorance, you are the road with no speed bumps which leads
> to enlightenment, you are the oyster with the perfect pearl, you are the
> hat which never flies off, you are the backpack with straps that do not
> bite in, you are the pasta that does not stick, you are the shoe that
> always fits.
>
> Oh Great Oracle, please tell me........
>
> ...uh....
>
> ..now what was I going to ask?.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I belive you were going to ask:
}
} "Oh Oracle, Why do I even attempt to put into words how great you are
} when I know that is not possible.  Oh why do I do this, for I know it
} would just lead to a lengthy attempt which would end at my exhaustion.
} Oh why........................."
}
} Well, I believe you get the idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle more praise.


111-03    (17530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> you who know all and tell nought, why is it, by which I mean that I wish
> to knowwhy it is, that you never actually give GOOD advice?  You always
> give me some DUMB little answer that doesn't mean anything.  How come?
> Your [mis]friend,
> The Hippo
> Who is Annoyed right Now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, my friend.  I tend to get a little bit cynical dealing with
} all of these boneheads who tend to ask stupid questions deserving little
} more than stupid answers, hardly deserving my time, even.  The only
} reason I even bother is for the occasional ray of sunshine streaming
} through the nets, such as yourself, Hippo.  I want to thank you for all
} the joy your questions have brought me and I'll try to keep an eye out
} for you in the future so I can give your questions the answers they
} deserve.  *Sniff* I have to go.  I need to find a tissue or something.
} Bye.  *sniff*
}                                     your friend,
}                                                  O


111-04    (02365 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best formula that you know of for the calculation of pi.  I
> need one that converges on the value at least at the rate of one digit
> per repitition.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use the following program:
}
} #define DIGITS 10
}
} main()
} {
}  char pi[DIGITS];
}
}  pi[0]='3';
}  pi[1]='.';
}  pi[2]='1';
}  pi[3]='4';
}  pi[4]='1';
}  pi[5]='5';
}  pi[6]='9';
}  pi[7]='2';
}  pi[8]='6';
}  pi[9]='\0';
}
}  printf("pi = %s.\n",pi);
} }
}
} This is by far the fastest algorithm I know.  For more digits, edit the
} first line.  You may have to change some of the source code as well.


111-05    (35521 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, oracler than all old oragami, just who is David Barry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dave Barry is an Oracle want-to-be.  As you might have noticed he is
} nowhere as intelligent or witty as I am.  He makes cheap spin offs of my
} ideas, and then publishes them under his name with no credit to me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a home and a black hole.


111-06    (04363 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who put the X in SEX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very good question, sir!  As you are aware, SEX used to be SE.  Now,
} it wasn't just SE for no reason at all.  It was SE because, in all the
} really sexy languages like French and Italian and Latin, SE means "self"
} ("Il s'embrasse", he kissed himself).  Long, long ago, you see, it was
} all a solitary proposition.
}
} But then the EXternal sex partner showed up!  It was a happy and
} wonderful surprise!  SEEX was much more fun than SE!  (It got shortened
} to SEX pretty quickly.  There wasn't space for both those E's, so they
} put one inside the other.)
}
} Of course, the EXternal partner became the EX-partner pretty quickly,
} but it started a trend.
}
} You owe the oracle another X.


111-07    (41452 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo he visto que Ud. hable frances.  ?Hable Espanol tambien?
>
> Gracias

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nicht!  Das is nicht gut!  Non fabulo Espanolam!  Je ne parle pas
} d'Espanol!  Kodazh v ne Spanilka!  Ich bin ein Berliner!
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary.


111-08    (29113 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, now that Jim Bakker is in prison, that means Tammy Faye
> is back on the market, huh?  Can you fix me up with her, please??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does have much influence in high places, and can do this for
} you.  However, the Oracle will use its influence much more wisely by
} getting you an appointment with a leading psychologist to determine why
} you want Tammy and not Jessica!


111-09    (14542 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just WHO is this Lisa, and do we have any other net.xxx.yyy figures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My oh my, Lisa is *VERY* popular isn't she....
}
} I just answered a question on her, hold on a second....
}
} >Lisa, oh Lisa wonderful Lisa....
} >
} >Well, lets see.
} >
} >     Name:           Lisa
} >     Age:            1103346844 seconds
} >     Height:         5.5 cubits
} >     Weight:         .25 elk units
} >     Eyes:           Center of head
} >     Hair:           Brown
} >     Hobbies:        making <CENSORED>, eating homemade ice cream and
} >                     eating other girls <CENSORED>
} >     Favorite Things:<CENSORED>, white <CENSORED>, homemade ice cream
} >                     and you
} >     Turn ons:       Homemade ice cream, whipped cream, hot fudge and
} >                     laytex
} >     Turn offs:      Axes, chainsaws, straight sex and hockey masks
} >     Feet:           Two
} >
} >Lisa is a young girl who works as a net.sex.goddess. She has <CENSORED>
} >every day with almost anyone, and likes it best with two <CENSORED>'s.
} >Her <CENSORED> is well made, and has a large <CENSORED> in it.
} >
} >     ==========
} >     |        |
} >     |    O   |
} >     |   /|\  |
} >     |   / \  |
} >     |   Lisa |
} >     ==========
} >
} >You owe the Oracle an ASCII picture of <CENSORED> and some clean
} >sheets.
} >
} >p.s.  Sorry, but I accidentally did a global replace of 'a polka dot
} >flower' with the word '<CENSORED>'.  Sorry for the inconvinience.
}
} As far as other net.goddesses go, there is:
}
}       Big.mama.net.hog.goddess
}       Joan.the.net.vacuum
}       and Harvey.the.net.cross.dresser
}
} You owe the Oracle a handkerchief.


111-10    (34531 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last week, Mayor Marion Barry of Washington DC was arrested after being
> videotaped smoking crack cocaine.  Is it possible that this whole
> incident was staged as some sort of desperate reelection bid in a town
> full of drug addicts?  Will all the junkies in the District of Colombia
> now vote for a fellow crack head?  And by the way, how come it's called
> the District of "Colombia"?  The capitol of Colombia is not "District of
> the United States of America", so why do we have a District of Colombia?
> And when will MTV air the Barry video?  Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's the deal.
}
} Mayor Marion Barry uses drugs.  He admits it freely.
}
} What Mayor Marion Barry has not admitted is that
}
}   1)  The CIA told him to take drugs to lure in the drug lords.
}   2)  He was framed.
}   3)  President Bush sold him the drugs.
}   4)  He's actually Medellin #7.
}   5)  He doesn't really like cocaine that much anyway.
}
} All of these things are top secret so he can't reveal them just yet.
} I hope I can trust your discretion.
}
} You owe the oracle an oath of secrecy.


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