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Internet Oracularities #1110

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Internet Oracularities #1110    (69 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 16:45:46 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1110
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1110  69 votes 9dmj6 3dlhf 9cud5 8gnf7 7tk85 4us52 dmp63 0gok9 37goj bh8je
1110  3.0 mean  3.0   3.4   2.9   3.0   2.6   2.6   2.5   3.3   3.7   3.1


1110-01    (9dmj6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, tell me....
>
> Who, pray tell me, invented the lozenge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some sucker.


1110-02    (3dlhf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Too often trolled Grand Oracle,
>
> Do you get more complaints about the queue being empty or about
> answers arriving too slowly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for calling the Oracle Call Center. Your call is important to
} the Oracle. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making
} a selection.
}
} If you'd like to make a Supplication, press 1. If you'd like to make a
} payment, please press 2. If you'd like to make a compliment, please
} press 3. If you'd like to make a complaint, please press 4. To repeat
} these options, please press zero.
}
} [4]
}
} Thank you for calling the Oracle Complaint Center. It is the Oracle's
} sincere wish to improve the quality of his responses to you, the
} Supplicant. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making
} a selection.
}
} If you'd like to enter a complaint about an empty queue, please press
} 1. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a slow or missing answer,
} please press 2. If you'd like to enter a complaint about the quality of
} an answer, please press 3. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a
} member of the Oracle's staff, including Priests, please press 4. To
} return to the previous menu, please press 9. To repeat these options,
} please press zero.
}
} [1]
}
} You have selected Staff complaint. Please state the name of the staff
} member you wish to complain about. To return to the previous menu,
} press 9.
}
} [9]
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be disciplined shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} [9]
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be disciplined shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} [0]
}
} Thank you for calling the Oracle Complaint Center. It is the Oracle's
} sincere wish to improve the quality of his responses to you, the
} Supplicant. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making
} a selection.
}
} If you'd like to enter a complaint about an empty queue, please press
} 1. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a slow or missing answer,
} please press 2. If you'd like to enter a complaint about the quality of
} an answer, please press 3. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a
} member of the Oracle's staff, including Priests, please press 4. To
} return to the previous menu, please press 9. To repeat these options,
} please press zero.
}
} [2]
}
} You have selected Staff complaint. Please state the name of the staff
} member you wish to complain about. To return to the previous menu,
} press 9.
}
} [9]
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} [0]
}
} Thank you for calling the Oracle Complaint Center. It is the Oracle's
} sincere wish to improve the quality of his responses to you, the
} Supplicant. Please listen to this entire list of choices before making
} a selection.
}
} If you'd like to enter a complaint about an empty queue, please press
} 1. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a slow or missing answer,
} please press 2. If you'd like to enter a complaint about the quality of
} an answer, please press 3. If you'd like to enter a complaint about a
} member of the Oracle's staff, including Priests, please press 4. To
} return to the previous menu, please press 9. To repeat these options,
} please press zero.
}
} [0]
}
} Because of the high demand, the Oracle has found it necessary to limit
} free support calls to one supplication or complaint per call. If you
} would like to continue this call at a cost of thirty-five cents per
} minute, please enter your sixteen-digit credit card number now.
}
} [0000 1111 2222 3333]
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
} You have entered a complaint against Zadoc, the High Priest. Zadoc will
} be ZOTted shortly. To return to the previous menu, press 9.
}
} We're sorry, but your call has exceeded the allotted time. Please call
} back later. Thank you for calling the Oracle Call Center.
}
} [disconnect]
}
} (Ain't computers grand? O.)


1110-03    (9cud5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We're just Suplicants
>      You're the Oracle
>           That is why we're here
> We put our faces down
>      till they're on the ground
>           Yes we're grov-el-ing.
> Hope it's not about
>      Hope it's not about
>          Hope it's not about
>               those Woodchucks.
> -
> Here's our question now,
>      Please don't Zot us now,
>           Tell us if you please.
> Mighty Oracle
>      Please do tell us how
>           Zodac became Head-Priest?
> Glad it's not about
>      Glad it's not about
>           Glad it's not about
>                Those Woodchucks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The last Head Priest, a man they called Babar,
} A man of tow'ring wisdom, bright and fair,
} Didst lose his job, when one day in his car
} Was caught with handcuffs and a Welsh au pair.
}
} So twice one hundred priests were gathered round
} The holy bless'd replacement for to seek
} And brought were they to my pallatial grounds
} To test the wise and weed out all the weak.
}
} First, I gestured, posed, and moved for days
} So mimicked they my movements tat for tit.
} And those who moved without my "Simon Says...,"
} Were cast into the horrid fiery pit.
}
} And to the rest I gave them each a name;
} And film connections to these names were spaken
} Oh, Woe! to those who couldn't make a chain
} Of less than six degrees from Kevin Bacon.
}
} The test of pain was next for those poor few
} Who hadn't failed or ran away in fright.
} Oh what a horrid thing to make them do--
} To watch "Spice World" four times in just one night!
}
} Which left the test of Karma for the three
} Who proved themselves made of the strongest stock
} And fate would have the priest named Zadoc be
} The one with "paper" when the rest had "rock."
}
} And so the priest named Zadoc was enthroned
} With garlands and a sceptre made of brass.
} And once his rights and privledges bestown,
} Became a massive pain upon my rear end.
}
} Alas! the testing is both tried and true
} And so perhaps he's wiser than he acts...
} So as for now, there's nothing I can do
} But bite my godly tongue and face the facts.
}
} I'm stuck with Zadoc as my #2.
} Hoi! Hai! Zadoc! Fetch me a "Mountain Dew."
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of Iambs dog food.


1110-04    (8gnf7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thy Omniscienticiousesqueness,
>
> If Viagra hadn't been invented, what would Bob Dole be doing for a
> living these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just hanging around with his wife.


1110-05    (7tk85 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most frumulious,
>
> I sent an original question to you recently, and received a
> blisteringly funny answer (the one about whether I was being too
> unproductive at work, and how to stop feeling guilty about it.
> I am sure that you, in your omniscience, have not forgotten it.)
> It was ignored by the priests.  The reply I gave in return, however,
> was rather unoriginal (the ever- popular and cliched Star Trek parody,
> with Og thrown in for good measure,) had a fairly stupid ending, and,
> IMHO, not that funny.  It was digested (question & reply 1104.10),
> and was eventually given a score of 3.7, which won't put it into
> the "Best of", thankfully, but still, far higher than it deserved.
> It seems quite obvious to me that if one of the questions should
> have been digested, it was the first one, which was a very humourous
> response to an original question, instead of the second, which was a
> fairly hackneyed response to a question that didn't leave much room
> for an original reply in the first place.  My question is:  why?
> Are such a large number of your faithful disciples (and, for that
> matter, priests) such Star Trek geeks that a response that I churned
> out over half of my lunch hour would elicit a knee-jerk vote of 4 or 5?
> Or is there something deeper and more sinister at work here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uruha: Mr. Spock. I have received some sort of odd transmission
}        on an open frequency. The Capt. is still down on the
}        Planet of The Sky Lucys. Could you have a look at it?
}
} Spock: Certainly.
}
} [ Spock reads the message. Pauses. Cocks one eyebrow. ]
}
} Spock: Fascinating in an obtuse sort of way.
}
} Uruha: What does it mean?
}
} Spock: Man in the late twentieth century had failed to come to
}        grips with the pointless absurdity of their wage-
}        slave existence. To combat this they escaped into
}        fantasy worlds where the traits they processed
}        righted the wrongs of the world. The muscle-bound
}        developed worlds of sports and speed where strength
}        and agility earned respect and fortune. Cerebral
}        types envisioned worlds where technology would save
}        them, where pure thought and...
}
} Chekov: Unidentified craft closing fast!!
}
} [ KABOOM, camera is shook violently to simulate a
}   collision. Sparks flight and a dorky siren is heard. ]
}
} Scotty: Mister Spock sir, `r shields they be a weakin'
}
} Spock: Status report!
}
} Chekov: It appears we were, I can hardly believe the sensors!
}
} [ Close up of Spock as he cocks an eyebrow. ]
}
} Chekov: We've been whumped up side the head by drunken
}         lout beams in a muscular and speedy fashion
}         and our main computers are all off line.
}
} [ Close up of Spock as he cocks an eyebrow. ]
}
} Uruha: Hailing frequency message on the main screen.
}
} [ On the main screen is what appears to be a smoke filled
}   pub full of soccer hooligans. ]
}
} Hooligan: F' You DOOD!
}
} [ Screen goes to black. BOOM! Another violent shaking
}   of the camera, sparks routine repeated. Fade to
}   a commercial for beer. ]


1110-06    (4us52 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to figure out the best way to grovel to my wonderful
> Oracle.  Would you prefer that I totally abase myself, for instance by
> bathing in a hog lagoon stark naked, or would you prefer that I sing
> your praises, perhaps whilst accompanying myself on the accordian?  I
> would have to make up appropriate words to the tune of "Lady of Spain"
> because that's the only tune I can play on the accordian.  (Sorry, but
> as a Supplicant, I'm not exactly known for my versatility.)
>
> Which one is your preference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We -all- would prefer the singing to seeing you in the buff
} in the bog.
}
} But you know what supplicant? I almost could live without the
} grovels IF YOU PEOPLE WOULD JUST PAY ME SOME OF THE TRIBUTES
} I ASK FOR!
}
} Come on people, it's fallen to less that 4% of supplicants
} paying off.  Do you have any idea how expensive a temple
} in Indiana is? Plus the staff? And keeping the fridge full
} for those <mumble-mumble> priests?
}
} You owe the Oracle forty-one dollars and 98 cents. (US)


1110-07    (dmp63 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and admirable all-seeing, all-hearing, all-tasting Oracle,
> I ask that you sprinkle me liberally with your wisdom and shake well.
>
> What should those of us who choose to pursue romantic relationships
> with suicidal bipolar individuals keep in mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is very easy. Just, if you would please, keep in mind two
} things... if it's not too much trouble. You need to, say that's
} a nice outfit... where was I? As I was saying... HUH? Hey,
} I'M GETTING AROUND TO IT DAMN IT JUST HOLD YOUR F'ING HORSES
} FOR GODSAKE!!!!
}
} Where was I? Oh yes, just keep in mind that you probably should
} try to talk him into leaving the guns at home, locked up. Even
} though as we all know some times you need them BECAUSE SOME
} BLANKETY BLANK MORON WILL GET IN YUR FACE AND THEN!!! GGRRgrrrr
}
} Oh, and make sure he's on his meds. Many of the pills now a
} days are in purty pastel colors. I like pastels? Do you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bunny rabbit and a rocket launcher.


1110-08    (0gok9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, advanced Eagle Scout and trusted member of the FFA -and-
>  the FAA -and- the FDA,
>
>  How does one raise a "false alarm"? Do they require any type of
>  special care & feeding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all! False alarms are quite easy to raise - in fact, many
} are raised unintentionally, by people just like you, who just aren't
} paying attention.
}
} Keep in mind, however, that while you may find delight in raising
} one (intentionally), others around you may not be so pleased with
} the result.  Many find -any- alarm disturbing, and may insist that
} you disable yours.  And trust me, there is nothing more sad or useless
} than a disabled alarm.
}
} If you do decide to raise a false alarm, be sure to give it the
} deliberation and attention it deserves:
}
} 1) Raise it where others can appreciate it - crowded theaters and
} hospitals are popular venues.
}
} 2) Be discreet - let the alarm have the attention it deserves.
} Keep yourself out of the public eye.
}
} 3) Give it the opportunity to meet public safety figures such as
} police officers and firefighters. They are skilled at recognizing
} alarms of all types, and will relish the chance to meet a false alarm.
}
} 4) If someone ignores your alarm, they obviously need to be taught
} a lesson.  Arrange for them to meet a real alarm - that will teach
} them to gove your alarm the respect it deserves!
}
} Selecting your alarm will be a challenge. The variety today is
} staggering - ranging from tiny peepers that fit on your wrist to huge
} sirens that live atop buildings and towers. Choose one that will stand
} out in the environment where it will live. A "wet basement" alarm in
} bayou country won't get any attention, although one in a submarine
} certainly will! Remember too that raising an alarm unintentionally
} can be embarrasing, so be sure to plan carefully.
}
} You owe the Oracle a huge siren. Lisa's away for the weekend.


1110-09    (37goj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, so let me try to explain it again. Fokker is a Danish plane
} manufacturer. Billy's teacher was trying to tell the students that
} Billy's grandfather was saying "Fokkers." You know, like if you're
} driving and someone cuts you off...
}
} > > Meow!
}
} OK, I know, I know, you don't drive. But if you DID, like Toonces, you
} know, the driving cat from Saturday Night Live...
}
} > > Meow?
}
} yes I know it sucks since Gilda died. But IF YOU DID drive and someone
} cut you off, you'd say "that Honda cut me off," not "that ugly fat
} white guy with the cheap suit and greasy bald spot." Just like that,
} Grandpa wasn't saying that a bunch of _pilots_ were behind him in their
} planes, he was just calling them "Fokkers" like you'd call greasy white
} dude "Honda."
}
} > > Meow?
}
} No, he wasn't calling them "Fokkers." That's supposed to be the funny
} part. The irony of the...
}
} > > Meow?
}
} What?
}
} > > Meow!
}
} Yes, I do happen to know the difference. Sarcasm is like irony but it's
} mean-spirited. It's from the Latin, or Greek, I forget. It means
} "tearing of the flesh." Irony just means, um, irony. Anyway, the
} joke...
}
} > > Meow.
}
} I'm hungry too but I don't think raw flesh sounds appetizing. Yuck.
} Anyway, the joke. The kindergarten teacher told the kids that Grandpa
} was saying "those Fokkers were right behind me still" and Grandpa
} replied, "no, those Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts." See? So he
} didn't mean "Fokkers."
}
} > > Meow?
}
} Do I have to explain everything to you? Messerschmidt is another plane
} manufacturer that supplied Hitler. So Grandpa didn't mean "Fokkers" he
} meant that other word...
}
} > > Meow?
}
} I can't say that word...you know, the Communications Decency Act. Well,
} I'll whisper it in your ear...
}
} > > Errerrrow! Meow meow meow!!!
} ----
}
} You owe the Oracle a solemn promise never to tell a joke to my cat
} again.


1110-10    (bh8je dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows about the mating habits of all the little
> fishes and stuff, answer me the following question:
>
> What is the collective name for scuba divers?
>
> Ta very much, chuck!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Careful about references to Chuck, mister. You're THIS close to a zot.
} But I refrain, because I see that you have a certain intelligence --
} you need one, to realize that this is not as simple as it appears.
}
} A pity, really. Zots help break up the day. Typing answers all day
} long can get boring, you know. But the smell of burnt flesh helps
} to rejuvenate me, and the images -- did I ever show you my picture
} collection? Thousands of supplicants, JUST BEFORE they got zotted!
} Ooh, the looks on their faces!  Darn few things that fun in life,
} I can tell you! Sure, there's Lisa, and there's the joy that comes
} from crafting the PERFECT answer to some silly question, but it just
} doesn't ... um...
}
} Actually, we did have more questions than usual today, so I'm staying
} up late to answer them. Forgive me if my answers get a little bit
} valuted con.
}
} Collective names are very strange in English. Everybody knows that
} the plural of "Convertible Car" is "Convertible Cars" but only a few
} realize that the plural of "Attorney General" is "Attorneys General."
} Why? Because "Attorney" is the noun and "General" is the adjective,
} even though it is part of the title. Stupid rule, but I didn't make
} it up, I just report it.  I don't even have any choice in the matter.
} All day long, just question question question -- some good answers,
} when the question is decent, but lots of CRAP questions, and even more
} CRAP answers, but can you blame me?  All the answers start to look
} the same after awhile, because typing answers all day long can get
} boring, you know! I probably already said that but that's my POINT,
} all the answers start to look the SAME after awhile, even when the
} question is about...
}
} Scuba Divers?
}
} Maybe you could go to School to learn about schools of Scuba Diving?
} No, no, just kidding. See, it's a reference to a School of fish, which
} is where you learn to spell, get it? Just a little Oracle humor; typing
} answers all day long can get boring, you probably didn't even realize
} that, you lowly supplicant you. I should ZOT you where you stand.
}
} But I won't, 'cause I'm benevolent. There's another word you should
} look up.  It's spelled B-E- well, you know, you can simply look at it,
} this is WRITTEN communication. Hey, that was your question, wasn't it?
} About writing?
}
} In the case of "Scuba Diver," one could consider the noun to be Diver
} and then the plural is quite simply "Scuba Divers," as you yourself
} have used.  But one would be wrong. After all, Scuba stands for
} "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus." Therefore, "Scuba
} Diver" is short for "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
} Diver," and the noun is clearly Apparatus. Therefore, the plural
} is "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatum Diver," or simply
} "Scubam Diver."
}
} Scubam Diver. Heh, heh. Sounds like part of a song. You know, Jazz,
} maybe Scat. "Bop bop deedilly wap Scu BAM Diver BAM bo bop boppity Scu
} BAM!" Yeah, baby! "De du wappity shu diddle biddle biddle BAM, diddle
} wah wah wah! Di dup bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop
} bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop, Scu BAM do WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
}
} Sorry, I wandered a bit. Typing answers all day long can get boring,
} or did I say that before? God, I'm so depressed, I could kill myself
} but I'm not really alive so I don't know why I bother saying it.
} "ZOT!" Ha, had you worried there, didn't I? But I didn't zot you,
} I just said the WORD Zot.  Big difference, I can tell you!
}
} Anyway, did I answer you well, well, do-wap do tell, askme and tellme
} or we'll all go to
}
}     Hello postman, give me zadoc@Oracle9. If you bounce this message,
} I'll kick your big
}
}     Behind the refrigerator there is a piece of glass! Lisa slipped and
} fell, and cut her little
}
}     Ask me some more question. I've got a million lines! But most of my
} answers are uncivilized...
}
} uh... typing answers all day long can get boring... but that's because
} typing answers ... um, all day...
}
} Did I mention that it was very late?
}
} You owe the Oracle a CD of some scat music. Or some jazz. Any of
} 'em, it doesn't matter which one, just not one of those boring ones
} (typing answers all day long can get boring), maybe some Ellington,
} but it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing! Do wop do wop
} do wop do wop do wop do wop do wop! Oh, it don't mean a thing...


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