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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Or does it explode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   *She*; does *she* explode. And yes, she will if you keep referring } to her in such deprecating terms. } }   You owe The Oracle a feminist.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Resourceful and advantageous Oracle, > > What will be the end of wolf, lion, ox and ass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} f, n, x and s. } } You owe the Oracle a more difficult question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Telling & Powerful are the insights of the True Oracle, > >   What ever happened to common sense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, it's been replaced by some less useful but easier to } maintain ideas.  These include, but are not limited to, the following: } } * Common cents:  You don't have to act in a reasonable manner if you }   have enough money to throw around. } } * Common scents:  The ad for the perfume you bathe in doesn't make any }   sense, why should you? } } * Cotton sense:  If I look this good, I can't be wrong.  And it }   breathes, too! } } * Common sins:  Hollywood, eat your heart out. } } * Common seance:  How can they be giving you good advice if they're }   dead and you're still alive? } } * Commie sense:  If we give everything to the government, they'll solve }   all our problems for us and we won't have to worry! } } * Carbon sense:  Diamonds are a girl's best friend.  A guy's best }   friend, too, if you put "baseball" in front. } } * Common sends:  $$$ IF YOU WANT TO MAKE $100,000,000 IN JUST TWO WEEKS }   WITH NO WORK INVOLVED READ THIS!!!1! $$$ } } * Ramen sense:  If it's a big fad in Japan, it should be a big fad in }   America, too! } } That other thing is long gone by now, sadly. } } You owe the Oracle an original manuscript by Thomas Paine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, even though I am not worthy of your bellybutton lint's, I have > a question. > > If scientists, in twenty years, discover that the moon is, in fact, > made out of green cheese, won't that solve world hunger?  Also, how'd > those craters get on the moon anyway?  And does the fact that a cow go > "moo" have anything to do with the MOOn's green cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, boy! Time for another future history timeline! } } July 1999: Supplicant to the Oracle asks if scientists 20 years hence } discover the moon is made of green cheese, would it solve world hunger. } Oracle gives typically imponderable, yet wise and witty answer. } } August 2003: American Dairy Council and counterparts around the world } finally recover from Y2K bug, lobby U.S. Congress to declare the phrase } "No use crying over spilt milk" an obscenity. } } September 2003: Scientists genetically engineer a cow/bacteria symbiote } that manufactures cheese "in vivo," eliminating the need for } post-processing. } } April 2004: An unexpected characteristic of the cow/bacteria symbiote } is that it reproduces rapidly in the spring. Cheesemaking cows threaten } to overrun all habitat areas. Humanity finally eliminates the desire to } shout "Moo!" at cows when driving past them. } } October 2004: The Whole-Earth Ban on Genetic Engineering is signed by } all 238^H^H^H 241^H^H^H 235^H^H^H ALL nations on Earth. Three research } stations are constructed on the Moon to permit continued work without } danger of contaminating the planet. } } May 2010: An Oracle incarnation turns 50, having been Digested twice. } } June 2010: High radiation levels from a solar flare cause an unexpected } mutation in the original cow/bacteria symbiote, allowing it to make } cheese from silicate rock. Attempts to destroy it by ejecting it out an } airlock fail, instead allowing it to gradually consume the Moon's } crust. The few surviving researchers attempt a last-ditch effort to } convert the symbiote's metabolism to generate oxygen, thereby } terraforming the Moon. They fail, and die in the resulting methane } explosion. } } June 2017: An exceptionally hardy variety of blue-green mold which } survived the destruction of the lunar research stations infests the } cheese that has become the Moon's surface, giving a delicate marbled } effect to the color. The laws of probability change drastically on } Earth, when everything that happens "once in a blue moon" becomes } commonplace. } } July 2019: 20 years after the supplicant's question, scientists from } Earth determine that it is safe to return samples of the Moon's cheese } to Earth. Furthermore, the combination of nutrients in the cheese is } found to be ideal for human dietary needs. Sandy Duncan is revived from } cryogenic storage to introduce a new line of cracker products to } accompany the cheese. } } January 2020: A worldwide plague, causing symptoms of lactose } intolerance, causes the entire human population of the Earth to } experience malnutrition and terminal flatulence. The human race is no } more. } } Greenmonth, 1803473: The bovine race that evolved to intelligence after } humankind vanished finally eliminates the desire to shout "What?" at } semi-domesticated simians when driving past them. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Roquefort.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last night I baked some cod.  It said it would take 15 mins at Gas Mark > 4. It actually took in excess 1 hour and still wasnt completely cooked. > Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had the piece of cod that passeth all understanding.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> www.amispendingtoomuchtimeontheweb.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Confused supplicant, "too much time" is a subjective concept. Only you } can decide. However, the following test can serve as a useful guide. } } 1. What is the the most common size of womens breasts? }   a. 34C. }   b. 38D. }   c. 40EE. } } 2. When watching a music video on MTV, you are shocked by: }   a. the overt sexual message. }   b. how low the lowest common denominator is these days. }   c. the fact that the singers head isn't made up of 4 squares of }      different shades of pink, and that it plays all the way through }      without freezing. } } 3. When reading a newspaper article, you }   a. bemoan the state of the world. }   b. flip to the cartoons. }   c. wait for the punchline. } } 4. Your favourite game is }   a. Cribbage. }   b. Tekken 3. }   c. 20 lines of Java and 1Mb of supporting files. } } 5. ram is: }   a. A male sheep. }   b. Random Access Memory. }   c. Yet another attempt by The Man to crush your god-given right to }      download media files. } } 6. An Englishman's home: }   a. is his castle. }   b. doesn't have nearly as many gadgets as his American counterparts'. }   c. is http://www.sun.co.uk/page3.html. } } Mostly 'a's: You think the World Wide Web is a poetic term for }              railways. You might want to consider purchasing one of }              these newfangled computational devices, old chap. } } Mostly 'b's: About right. The web does not obsess your every waking }              moment. } } Mostly 'c's: Oh dear...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sagacious Oracle, who still reads all of USENET, please answer me this > question: > > The Imminent Death of the Net has been predicted for some time. When > and how will it actually occur (aside from Y2K, of course)? > > Sent via USENET > Learn what you know. Share what you don't.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Imminent Death of the Net will occur in the year 2003, in the month } of April, when Ziff Davis finally tells Bob Metcalfe to either stop } pushing Imminent Death of the Net articles or, in their words, "Prove } it, Mr. 'I invented Ethernet'." } } Enraged, and fearing for his job, Metcalfe will write a worm like } program that searches for Cisco routers without password protection and } rewrites their routing tables in algebraic chess notation. This will } unfortunately include most of the } UUNET-MCI-Worldcom-AOL-AT&T-MSN-Compuserve-Mindspring-Demon MergerCo } backbone which was put together by newly minted "Cisco Certified" } personnel whose entire knowledge of IPv6 router configuration comes } from the crib notes they snuck into their certification exams. } } After 24 hours, with the damage done, the worm eliminates all traces of } itself from infected systems. Hundreds, if not thousands of thousands } of MCSE, CNE, and other "certified" personnel will be looking for jobs } after being revealed as empty certificates. Robert Tappan Morris will } be arrested and imprisioned for violating terms of his probation. His } protests will fall on deaf ears, as will his claims that his probation } ended nearly 15 years ago. } } Bob Metcalfe will print a triumphant "I told you so" article in every } single Ziff-Davis publication. Unfortunately, no one will read it, as } they are busy trying to figure out exactly where the bishop that } checkmated the white king came from. } } Tymnet will reap enormous benefits as the corporate world returns to } private data networks. MOD and LOD will re-form and wage their hacker } pissing match all over the "private" network. } } Bob Metcalfe will start a new career prediciting the Imminent Death of } Tymnet. He will eventually be fired after predicting the Imminent Death } of the Power Grid, the Imminent Death of the Catholic Church, and the } Imminent Death of Bob Metcalfe (which, much to reader's consternation } does not occur for many years).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, > Why do you keep telling me to kill my mailman? I like my mail-lady... > She gave me a lollypop one day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no -- I've been sending you secret telepathic messages to "kill } your mail, man". Though she doesn't know it, your mail-lady is } delivering messages to you from one of the world's most feared secret } organisations. } } This band of outlaws from justice is known only as the Campaign for } International Surrealism (PHISH). With a lethal combination of } subversive tendencies and highly trained art-school minds, they have } been responsible for some of the most terrible acts of unprovoked } oddness the world has ever seen: } } - In Kansas, Texas in May 1962, Maria Sanchez (on the run from the } top-security Mexico City School of Fine Art) posed as a waitress and } took an order from an unsuspecting customer -- but instead of bringing } the food, she carried a flaming telephone directory on a silver } platter. Twelve customers were treated for severe bemusement and one } for slight confusion. } } - In February 1984, in the middle of a local government meeting in } Bordeaux, France, Robert Alduin from England (previously imprisoned for } serious offences including Behaviour Likely to Cause Slight Disturbance } to an Onlooker) stood up and shouted "Sometimes I spit with pleasure on } my mother's portrait". Thankfully the locals were too drunk to notice, } and disaster was narrowly averted. } } - In November 1993, in perhaps the most notorious incident yet, a giant } egg was found on a beach in St Lucia. When a crowd gathered to examine } this phenomenon, an activist named Edward Lightfoot jumped out of it } and proceeded to twirl his moustache in a captivating manner. Five } locals and twenty tourists were treated for the grave effects of having } seen this irrational scene, with a further forty people reported to be } feeling a bit odd for the rest of the day. } } As you can see, this ruthless gang of bandits will stop at nothing to } infiltrate society with their perverted brand of Dalian homage. Now you } are their next target: each day, hidden among the rivers of junk mail, } they send their secret missives through your door. It won't be long now } before their sinister message is complete, and... on second thoughts, I } won't tell you what it is now -- it would spoil the fun of watching } when you find out. } } You owe the Oracle a promise not to go postal.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 11:15pm  Rise Up and Kill > > Mesmerizing audio-visual assault on the senses designed to compel > viewers to perpetrate violent atrocities. This week: reenactments of > medieval executions intercut with hard-core pornography and accompanied > by organ music and sinister subliminal whisperings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But before we continue with our wonderful, informative programming, } we'd like to take a moment to tell you that YOU are the reason we're } able to stay on the air! Public Television exists FOR you and BECAUSE } of your generous, tax-deductible contributions! } } Budget cuts at all levels of government have reduced public funding } to an all-time low. We really need your support to keep bringing you } quality eduational programming like "Rise Up and Kill," "Forensic } Science II - The Arsonist's Tale," "Homespun Heroin - the Opiate } of the Masses," and "Riverdance." It takes a lot of money to bring } you programming like this - programming that's just too good for } commercial television. } } Won't you help? We have many different levels of giving to choose from. } For $25 you can become an Associate Member of the Friends of PBS and } receive this commemorative stick-pin, in the shape of a hypodermic } needle and bearing the PBS logo. For $75 you can be a Supporting } Member, for which you'll get this lovely coffee mug with scenes from } "The Plague and I." For $1500 you'll become a Director's Assistant, } and we'll send you this athletic supporter worn and autographed by } Michael Flatley himself! } } So call today and make your pledge! Even if you can't afford the } amounts we've suggested, any amount will be greatly appreciated. } And think - after watching "Homespun Heroin," you'll be able to make } and sell enough to afford TEN TIMES the cost of airing the program. } What other network can offer that?  Call now - lines are open! } } And now, here is "Rise Up and Kill," already in progress...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the > dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with, > > What type of political system would robots use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mechanocracy. This is a very simple political system based on The Power } Rule. "Whoever has the most power makes the joules". } } You owe The Oracle a adequate model for democracy in a world where all } the elected representatives run on differing voltages.