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Internet Oracularities #1112

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Internet Oracularities #1112    (68 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 13:13:21 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1112
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1112  68 votes 9qla2 9enj3 0fnn7 08mki jefd7 04rs9 39nq7 1aoq7 7bqf9 8dte4
1112  3.2 mean  2.6   2.9   3.3   3.7   2.6   3.6   3.4   3.4   3.1   2.9


1112-01    (9qla2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Or does it explode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   *She*; does *she* explode. And yes, she will if you keep referring
} to her in such deprecating terms.
}
}   You owe The Oracle a feminist.


1112-02    (9enj3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Resourceful and advantageous Oracle,
>
> What will be the end of wolf, lion, ox and ass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} f, n, x and s.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more difficult question.


1112-03    (0fnn7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Telling & Powerful are the insights of the True Oracle,
>
>   What ever happened to common sense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, it's been replaced by some less useful but easier to
} maintain ideas.  These include, but are not limited to, the following:
}
} * Common cents:  You don't have to act in a reasonable manner if you
}   have enough money to throw around.
}
} * Common scents:  The ad for the perfume you bathe in doesn't make any
}   sense, why should you?
}
} * Cotton sense:  If I look this good, I can't be wrong.  And it
}   breathes, too!
}
} * Common sins:  Hollywood, eat your heart out.
}
} * Common seance:  How can they be giving you good advice if they're
}   dead and you're still alive?
}
} * Commie sense:  If we give everything to the government, they'll solve
}   all our problems for us and we won't have to worry!
}
} * Carbon sense:  Diamonds are a girl's best friend.  A guy's best
}   friend, too, if you put "baseball" in front.
}
} * Common sends:  $$$ IF YOU WANT TO MAKE $100,000,000 IN JUST TWO WEEKS
}   WITH NO WORK INVOLVED READ THIS!!!1! $$$
}
} * Ramen sense:  If it's a big fad in Japan, it should be a big fad in
}   America, too!
}
} That other thing is long gone by now, sadly.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original manuscript by Thomas Paine.


1112-04    (08mki dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, even though I am not worthy of your bellybutton lint's, I have
> a question.
>
> If scientists, in twenty years, discover that the moon is, in fact,
> made out of green cheese, won't that solve world hunger?  Also, how'd
> those craters get on the moon anyway?  And does the fact that a cow go
> "moo" have anything to do with the MOOn's green cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, boy! Time for another future history timeline!
}
} July 1999: Supplicant to the Oracle asks if scientists 20 years hence
} discover the moon is made of green cheese, would it solve world hunger.
} Oracle gives typically imponderable, yet wise and witty answer.
}
} August 2003: American Dairy Council and counterparts around the world
} finally recover from Y2K bug, lobby U.S. Congress to declare the phrase
} "No use crying over spilt milk" an obscenity.
}
} September 2003: Scientists genetically engineer a cow/bacteria symbiote
} that manufactures cheese "in vivo," eliminating the need for
} post-processing.
}
} April 2004: An unexpected characteristic of the cow/bacteria symbiote
} is that it reproduces rapidly in the spring. Cheesemaking cows threaten
} to overrun all habitat areas. Humanity finally eliminates the desire to
} shout "Moo!" at cows when driving past them.
}
} October 2004: The Whole-Earth Ban on Genetic Engineering is signed by
} all 238^H^H^H 241^H^H^H 235^H^H^H ALL nations on Earth. Three research
} stations are constructed on the Moon to permit continued work without
} danger of contaminating the planet.
}
} May 2010: An Oracle incarnation turns 50, having been Digested twice.
}
} June 2010: High radiation levels from a solar flare cause an unexpected
} mutation in the original cow/bacteria symbiote, allowing it to make
} cheese from silicate rock. Attempts to destroy it by ejecting it out an
} airlock fail, instead allowing it to gradually consume the Moon's
} crust. The few surviving researchers attempt a last-ditch effort to
} convert the symbiote's metabolism to generate oxygen, thereby
} terraforming the Moon. They fail, and die in the resulting methane
} explosion.
}
} June 2017: An exceptionally hardy variety of blue-green mold which
} survived the destruction of the lunar research stations infests the
} cheese that has become the Moon's surface, giving a delicate marbled
} effect to the color. The laws of probability change drastically on
} Earth, when everything that happens "once in a blue moon" becomes
} commonplace.
}
} July 2019: 20 years after the supplicant's question, scientists from
} Earth determine that it is safe to return samples of the Moon's cheese
} to Earth. Furthermore, the combination of nutrients in the cheese is
} found to be ideal for human dietary needs. Sandy Duncan is revived from
} cryogenic storage to introduce a new line of cracker products to
} accompany the cheese.
}
} January 2020: A worldwide plague, causing symptoms of lactose
} intolerance, causes the entire human population of the Earth to
} experience malnutrition and terminal flatulence. The human race is no
} more.
}
} Greenmonth, 1803473: The bovine race that evolved to intelligence after
} humankind vanished finally eliminates the desire to shout "What?" at
} semi-domesticated simians when driving past them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Roquefort.


1112-05    (jefd7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last night I baked some cod.  It said it would take 15 mins at Gas Mark
> 4. It actually took in excess 1 hour and still wasnt completely cooked.
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had the piece of cod that passeth all understanding.


1112-06    (04rs9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> www.amispendingtoomuchtimeontheweb.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Confused supplicant, "too much time" is a subjective concept. Only you
} can decide. However, the following test can serve as a useful guide.
}
} 1. What is the the most common size of womens breasts?
}   a. 34C.
}   b. 38D.
}   c. 40EE.
}
} 2. When watching a music video on MTV, you are shocked by:
}   a. the overt sexual message.
}   b. how low the lowest common denominator is these days.
}   c. the fact that the singers head isn't made up of 4 squares of
}      different shades of pink, and that it plays all the way through
}      without freezing.
}
} 3. When reading a newspaper article, you
}   a. bemoan the state of the world.
}   b. flip to the cartoons.
}   c. wait for the punchline.
}
} 4. Your favourite game is
}   a. Cribbage.
}   b. Tekken 3.
}   c. 20 lines of Java and 1Mb of supporting files.
}
} 5. ram is:
}   a. A male sheep.
}   b. Random Access Memory.
}   c. Yet another attempt by The Man to crush your god-given right to
}      download media files.
}
} 6. An Englishman's home:
}   a. is his castle.
}   b. doesn't have nearly as many gadgets as his American counterparts'.
}   c. is http://www.sun.co.uk/page3.html.
}
} Mostly 'a's: You think the World Wide Web is a poetic term for
}              railways. You might want to consider purchasing one of
}              these newfangled computational devices, old chap.
}
} Mostly 'b's: About right. The web does not obsess your every waking
}              moment.
}
} Mostly 'c's: Oh dear...


1112-07    (39nq7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sagacious Oracle, who still reads all of USENET, please answer me this
> question:
>
> The Imminent Death of the Net has been predicted for some time. When
> and how will it actually occur (aside from Y2K, of course)?
>
> Sent via USENET
> Learn what you know. Share what you don't.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Imminent Death of the Net will occur in the year 2003, in the month
} of April, when Ziff Davis finally tells Bob Metcalfe to either stop
} pushing Imminent Death of the Net articles or, in their words, "Prove
} it, Mr. 'I invented Ethernet'."
}
} Enraged, and fearing for his job, Metcalfe will write a worm like
} program that searches for Cisco routers without password protection and
} rewrites their routing tables in algebraic chess notation. This will
} unfortunately include most of the
} UUNET-MCI-Worldcom-AOL-AT&T-MSN-Compuserve-Mindspring-Demon MergerCo
} backbone which was put together by newly minted "Cisco Certified"
} personnel whose entire knowledge of IPv6 router configuration comes
} from the crib notes they snuck into their certification exams.
}
} After 24 hours, with the damage done, the worm eliminates all traces of
} itself from infected systems. Hundreds, if not thousands of thousands
} of MCSE, CNE, and other "certified" personnel will be looking for jobs
} after being revealed as empty certificates. Robert Tappan Morris will
} be arrested and imprisioned for violating terms of his probation. His
} protests will fall on deaf ears, as will his claims that his probation
} ended nearly 15 years ago.
}
} Bob Metcalfe will print a triumphant "I told you so" article in every
} single Ziff-Davis publication. Unfortunately, no one will read it, as
} they are busy trying to figure out exactly where the bishop that
} checkmated the white king came from.
}
} Tymnet will reap enormous benefits as the corporate world returns to
} private data networks. MOD and LOD will re-form and wage their hacker
} pissing match all over the "private" network.
}
} Bob Metcalfe will start a new career prediciting the Imminent Death of
} Tymnet. He will eventually be fired after predicting the Imminent Death
} of the Power Grid, the Imminent Death of the Catholic Church, and the
} Imminent Death of Bob Metcalfe (which, much to reader's consternation
} does not occur for many years).


1112-08    (1aoq7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
> Why do you keep telling me to kill my mailman? I like my mail-lady...
> She gave me a lollypop one day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no -- I've been sending you secret telepathic messages to "kill
} your mail, man". Though she doesn't know it, your mail-lady is
} delivering messages to you from one of the world's most feared secret
} organisations.
}
} This band of outlaws from justice is known only as the Campaign for
} International Surrealism (PHISH). With a lethal combination of
} subversive tendencies and highly trained art-school minds, they have
} been responsible for some of the most terrible acts of unprovoked
} oddness the world has ever seen:
}
} - In Kansas, Texas in May 1962, Maria Sanchez (on the run from the
} top-security Mexico City School of Fine Art) posed as a waitress and
} took an order from an unsuspecting customer -- but instead of bringing
} the food, she carried a flaming telephone directory on a silver
} platter. Twelve customers were treated for severe bemusement and one
} for slight confusion.
}
} - In February 1984, in the middle of a local government meeting in
} Bordeaux, France, Robert Alduin from England (previously imprisoned for
} serious offences including Behaviour Likely to Cause Slight Disturbance
} to an Onlooker) stood up and shouted "Sometimes I spit with pleasure on
} my mother's portrait". Thankfully the locals were too drunk to notice,
} and disaster was narrowly averted.
}
} - In November 1993, in perhaps the most notorious incident yet, a giant
} egg was found on a beach in St Lucia. When a crowd gathered to examine
} this phenomenon, an activist named Edward Lightfoot jumped out of it
} and proceeded to twirl his moustache in a captivating manner. Five
} locals and twenty tourists were treated for the grave effects of having
} seen this irrational scene, with a further forty people reported to be
} feeling a bit odd for the rest of the day.
}
} As you can see, this ruthless gang of bandits will stop at nothing to
} infiltrate society with their perverted brand of Dalian homage. Now you
} are their next target: each day, hidden among the rivers of junk mail,
} they send their secret missives through your door. It won't be long now
} before their sinister message is complete, and... on second thoughts, I
} won't tell you what it is now -- it would spoil the fun of watching
} when you find out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise not to go postal.


1112-09    (7bqf9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 11:15pm  Rise Up and Kill
>
> Mesmerizing audio-visual assault on the senses designed to compel
> viewers to perpetrate violent atrocities. This week: reenactments of
> medieval executions intercut with hard-core pornography and accompanied
> by organ music and sinister subliminal whisperings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But before we continue with our wonderful, informative programming,
} we'd like to take a moment to tell you that YOU are the reason we're
} able to stay on the air! Public Television exists FOR you and BECAUSE
} of your generous, tax-deductible contributions!
}
} Budget cuts at all levels of government have reduced public funding
} to an all-time low. We really need your support to keep bringing you
} quality eduational programming like "Rise Up and Kill," "Forensic
} Science II - The Arsonist's Tale," "Homespun Heroin - the Opiate
} of the Masses," and "Riverdance." It takes a lot of money to bring
} you programming like this - programming that's just too good for
} commercial television.
}
} Won't you help? We have many different levels of giving to choose from.
} For $25 you can become an Associate Member of the Friends of PBS and
} receive this commemorative stick-pin, in the shape of a hypodermic
} needle and bearing the PBS logo. For $75 you can be a Supporting
} Member, for which you'll get this lovely coffee mug with scenes from
} "The Plague and I." For $1500 you'll become a Director's Assistant,
} and we'll send you this athletic supporter worn and autographed by
} Michael Flatley himself!
}
} So call today and make your pledge! Even if you can't afford the
} amounts we've suggested, any amount will be greatly appreciated.
} And think - after watching "Homespun Heroin," you'll be able to make
} and sell enough to afford TEN TIMES the cost of airing the program.
} What other network can offer that?  Call now - lines are open!
}
} And now, here is "Rise Up and Kill," already in progress...


1112-10    (8dte4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the
> dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with,
>
> What type of political system would robots use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mechanocracy. This is a very simple political system based on The Power
} Rule. "Whoever has the most power makes the joules".
}
} You owe The Oracle a adequate model for democracy in a world where all
} the elected representatives run on differing voltages.


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