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Internet Oracularities #1113

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Internet Oracularities #1113    (73 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 10:03:58 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1113
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1113  73 votes 38kuc dfkg9 4dlob 2brp8 4bvfc 5phi8 3gir9 39so9 6mrh1 9hrd7
1113  3.2 mean  3.5   2.9   3.3   3.4   3.3   3.0   3.3   3.4   2.8   2.9


1113-01    (38kuc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Happiness is world domination      "The folly of mistaking a parody
}  and your own bag of chips."        for the truth, blatant banality for
}         -- St Dogbert               knowledge, a torrent of verbiage
}                                     for a spring of capital truths, and
}                                     sententiousness for a good
}                                     quotation, is inborn in us."
}                                             -- Some poncy dead geezer
}
}                         THE INTERNET ORACLE (TM)
}
}                              also known as
}                          The Usenet Oracle (TM)
}
} The Internet Oracle is available to answer all your questions, except
} the one about "How many hedges could a hedgehog hog if a hedgehog could
} hog hedges?" -- this has been done to death (and anyway, a recent study
} has shown that the answer is approximately 4 per week, depending on the
} type of shrubbery).
}
} To get the best answers, try including some references to "in-jokes" --
} current in-joke topics include Fiona the Floating Fireplace, reasons
} why Nr and Mrs Boutros-Ghali decided to call their son "Boutros", and
} Aubergine the French poodle.  If you decide to try your hand at a
} parody, the most well-received subjects are usually the "Canterbury
} Tales" and "Beowulf".
}
} You may mail your questions to:
}                          oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} The "Subject:" of the message must be your personal, top-secret
} Oracular password, which has been designed like a regular sentence to
} make it memorable.  In your case, this is "Doh! Somebody tell me why I
} have a walnut instead of a brain!"  Actually, all it has to have is
} "Doh! Tell me" somewhere in it.  It will be obvious who you are from
} that description.  The body of the mail should contain your question;
} if you wish, you can also include the numbers and expiry dates of any
} major credit cards that you hold.  You should receive a reply within a
} few days at most, although if you choose to include your credit card
} numbers, the police and/or your bank might be in touch much sooner.
}
} In the meantime, the Oracle may require that you make a large cash
} donation to an offshore account in a tax haven, as payment for its
} services.  However, if you are very lucky, you will get away with being
} asked to answer a question for the Oracle.  In this case you should
} respond with as wise and witty an answer as you can, unless you are a
} spotty adolescent trying to gain the respect of your peers, in which
} case you should respond with a torrent of unfunny abuse and a *zot*.
} Don't include the original question, but do preserve the subject line,
} adding "I am a gullible fool" onto the end of it.
}
} Mailing the Oracle with the word "help" in the "Subject:" line will
} bring a host of terrible traumas upon your head, mostly involving
} records by Vanilla Ice and Glenn Madeiros. Make sure you never, ever do
} that.
}
} Oh, and one last thing: as soon as you finish reading this message, you
} must dye your hair purple and get a friend to write "I love Orrie!" in
} white-out on your skull. This may not seem vital to using the Internet
} Oracle, but trust me, when you've done it you'll be glad you did.


1113-02    (dfkg9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most gracious of all hosts, who has the pleasure of catering
> for one of the great spiritual leaders of all time, please help
> me out with the musical arrangements for when the Dalai Lama
> arrives.  Most of all, I need a suggestion for what to have
> Barbara Streisand sing to greet his emenance when he finally
> returns there to Bloomington.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Hello Dalai


1113-03    (4dlob dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, worthy and receiver of many great and noble
> obsequiosities, some of which are just, some unjust, but all most
> crawling...
>
> Please tell me this:
>
> Why is it that supermarket trolleys, when marked with "Do not remove
> from Tesco's Eastbourne" have been found all over the place, including
> Belgium?
>
> If you could find the time to consider this, Oracle most great,
> I would indeed be highly grateful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       _________
}       To England's settlers          {________{
}       traveling on foot              /       /|
}       across The Medium             /       /||
}       Sized Pre-British            /       /|||
}       Plains in 8000 BCE          /       /||/+
}       the foggy drizzle          --------- |/ 0
}       was a constant            |++++++++||/
}       companions: a gentle      |--------+
}       whisper echoing across    0        0
}       the vast sea of boredom
}       that we now affectionately call
}       The United Kingdom. Sometimes, however, a mighty
}       rumbling of thunder could be heard in the distance,
}       though no storm clouds could be seen. Then the
}       ground would begin to tremble, and suddenly the
}       astonished newcomers would be surrounded by a
}       thundering herd of trolleys! A herd that stretched
}       further than the eye could see. The majestic
}       welcoming committee made it clear that the settlers
}       had, at last, arrived in the land of the trolley
}       -- a land where tens of million of trolley held sway.
}
}       But as is man's wont the early settlers did not
}       choose to live in peace and harmony with the trolley.
}       Man began to hunt the magnificent trolley, often by
}       barbaric methods. Entire herds of peaceful trolleys
}       were chased off the steeps sides of cliffs to plummet
}       to their doom, their wheels bent, their chromed cages
}       dinged, their adverts all messed up royal. But even
}       this carnage was nothing like what ensued with the
}       invention of the spud gun. Tater yielding dandies
}       would take out whole extended families of trolleys,
}       often just to take the bearings.
}
}       But we live in a more enlightened age and the
}       trolley is protected by law. No one can be mean to
}       a poor trolley. And slowly, gradually, like a dawn
}       off the coast of Ramsgate the trolley is making a
}       come back. No, they will never rule Britannia as
}       they once did. But they shall not go extinct. Even
}       now the noble trolley has extended its range and
}       can sometimes be seen on The Continent itself.


1113-04    (2brp8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bibulous oracle,
>
> I read a news report that thieves stole 26,417 gallons of brandy.
>
> What would anybody do with so much hooch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soak 317 kilos of mixed fresh fruit in it, add 1,056,680 litres of
} dry red wine, 352,227 litres of fruit juice, 211,336 litres of ginger
} ale, and 264,170 cups of granulated sugar. Mix well. This should make
} about enough sangria for the city of Chicago.
}
} You owe the Or*hic*le 317 kilos of fresh fruit, 1,056,680 litres of
} dry red wine, 352,227 litres of fruit juice, 211,336 litres of ginger
} ale, and 264,170 cups of granulated sugar.


1113-05    (4bvfc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Smart and Happy Oracle,
>
> What will happen next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will receive a stupid answer from the Internet Oracle.
}
} Now you will delete this email in disgust.
}
} You owe the Oracle acknowledgment of a very witty response, even though
} it pissed you off.


1113-06    (5phi8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise who boldy goes where no man has gone before,
>
> Did William Shanter kill his most recent wife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After the trial of O.J., I can see how anyone would be a bit suspicious
} of any death involving the spouse of a celebrity.  However, did you see
} the tearful performance Shatner put on for the camera?  He had *me*
} believing that he was truly grieving for his wife.  Now, it could
} be argued that any good actor could cry on cue, and really make you
} believe that he had nothing to do with the crime, but this is *Shatner*
} we're talking about here.  The man's as innocent as a newborn baby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Space Soap Opera Digest.


1113-07    (3gir9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most pun-ishing...
>
> I just got back from helping the needy, and boy are my alms tired...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which reminds me of the time my mother (yes, even Omnipotent Oracles
} have mothers) was nearly burned as a witch. It was like this:
}
} A long time ago, back in the Old Country (this was before countries
} had names, so now I just call it "the Old Country"), Mother used
} to practice the fine arts of soothsaying. She had a prospering
} business of people who needed the kind of timely advice that only a
} top soothsayer can give ("Oh wise Soothsayer, when should I harvest
} my corn for maximum yield?" "When it's ripe, idiot. *ZOT*")
}
} Anyway, one summer our village was overrun with crows, ravens,
} buzzards, rocs, and other birds of evil omen. These birds were nasty,
} hanging around town in black leather, accosting young girls, chewing
} gum in class, and generally behaving badly. The other birds all flew
} away to avoid them. (Well, all except the sitting ducks, but that's
} another story, never mind.)
}
} Then one morning, when I was sweeping guano from our veranda, a
} huge mob of angry village people (no, not the band) came running
} down the street from the village square and surrounded our house,
} waving flaming torches and chanting "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"
}
} I dropped my broom and turned to run inside, but Mother came out of
} the door just then. One of the villagers saw her and yelled, "There
} she is! The witch who called all the evil birds!"
}
} Mother looked surprised. "What do you mean," she asked.  "I've never
} had anything to do with those birds."
}
} A villager pushed to the front of the crowd. "Ah, but the only birds
} we've ever seen in your yard have been the evil ones this summer.
} You must be a witch!" He and three other large men grabbed Mother
} and carried her to the village square, where a huge pile of wood
} was heaped. They tied Mother to a post above the woodpile.
}
} I knew I had to do something, so I sprang up to the top of the pile.
} "Wait a minute! Isn't there any way I can prove my mother's innocence?"
}
} Just then, I suddenly smelled the odor of the sea, and a white bird
} came flying down to land on Mother's head.
}
} The villagers all stopped, shocked. Then they untied Mother's hands
} and apologized to her.
}
} "Hey!" I said to the pushy one, "What made you change your mind?"
}
} I'll never forget the look on his face as he turned to me and said,
} "One good tern preserves your mother."


1113-08    (39so9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I have heard that knights of old protected themselves with "chain
> mail". How can this be, what protection would a garb of those silly
> letters be during combat???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a very good question, and it will require a look at medieval
} history. You know of course that medieval paper was much thicker than
} what passes for paper these days, and it was really quite sturdy.
} Think about it for a moment.  Some ancient scrolls have been preserved
} for centuries.  Now think about how long important documents last at
} your office.  They usually disappear within hours.
}
} But I'm only teasing, of course.  You are right if you are thinking
} that the physical properties of ancient chain letters is not what
} actually protected knights in combat.  There were usually spells and
} curses invoked by those who started the chain mail, designed to thwart
} those who broke the chain.  I will provide a historical example:
}
} "Dost thou desire wealth and good fortune?  Luck has come your way!
} Simply make six copies of this letter, and distribute them henceforth
} to thy friends, thy neighbors, and yada yada yada [Bear in mind that
} medieval chain mail was copied by hand, and occasionally lazy scribes
} shortened them considerably.  The older chain letters became, the
} shorter they got, and the eventually evolved into business cards.  But
} I digress.]  If thou dost this, thou wilt receive fame and fortune, and
} thou wilt conquer thy foes.  If thou dost not, thou wilt incur the
} wrath of the heavens upon thee.  Dost thou believe this not?  Dost thou
} believe thou canst dispatch with this letter and no harm will come to
} thee?  Sir Roderick of Coventry believed this, and not a fortnight
} after the destroyed this letter, he was summarily beheaded by an ogre.
}   On the other hand, Sir James of Illyia followed these directions
} precisely, and he defeated the Great Dragon of the North.  Choose what
} thou wilt do."
}
} Modern skeptics doubt the efficacy of these ancient curses, but there
} is enough historical evidence to suggest that there was something
} behind them.
}
} Please send this message to six people at once.


1113-09    (6mrh1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most frootylicious, I just got a new box of Apple Jacks,
> and to my astonishment, some of them are *green*!  What's up with
> this?  Have they started making them from Granny Smith apples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, due to a shortage at the Apple Jacks orchard, Kellogs has had
} to start shipping Apple Jacks before they're fully ripe.  There's no
} evidence that this actually harms anyone, although the taste is
} slightly off.  Of course, people who would actually EAT that stuff
} aren't likely to notice, as their palates are shot to Hell and back
} anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl, a spoon, and some milk.  Pass me that box,
} willya?


1113-10    (9hrd7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou who has no need of RAM because thou always
> knowest where in the memory thy needs to go to.
>
> Orrie, my girlfriend has memory-grabbing habits that would make
> Microsoft look weak. She's using my graphics mangling software right
> now, and has opened about 50 images on the same screen. And not just
> little ones, but large ones.
>
> What witty response should I give when she gets up to about 70 images,
> the program crashes due to lack of memmory, and she gives me that
> 'it's all your fault' look?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd avoid being witty if I were you. If you sound like you're being
} too much of a smart-aleck with your girlfriend, you're liable to get
} into a .TIFF.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moire reduction utility.


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