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Internet Oracularities #1115

Goto:
1115, 1115-01, 1115-02, 1115-03, 1115-04, 1115-05, 1115-06, 1115-07, 1115-08, 1115-09, 1115-10


Internet Oracularities #1115    (70 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 12:41:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1115
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1115  70 votes 3jrj2 2hpn3 fijc6 3jxb4 5kpg4 bbmh9 agjh8 39sge 266qu 37itd
1115  3.2 mean  3.0   3.1   2.7   2.9   2.9   3.0   3.0   3.4   4.1   3.6


1115-01    (3jrj2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose enlightened wisdom explains even the most
> remote of famililial situations:
>
> We all know Leann Rimes and Busta Rhymes are brother and sister
> (although not necessarily in that order). But is there any relation
> between Britney Spears and asparagus spears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant,
}
} Definitely an interesting theory. Let's do a quick comparison.
}
}                    Britney Spears           Asparagus spears
} =======================================================================
} Origin             Kentwood, Louisiana      DDT-laced fields somewhere
}                                              in South America
}
} Age                17 years                 Hopefully not more than
}                                              6 weeks
}
} Hit singles        "Baby One More Time",    None yet, perhaps due to
}                     "Sometimes"              contract disputes
}
} Style              Baggy pants, baby T-     Sliced lemon garnish
}                     shirts, lots of makeup
}
} IQ                 OK, so asparagus wins this round
}
} Sweetness          So sweet she'll give     Not at all sweet (unless
}                     you cavities             covered in chocolate
}                                              sauce)
}
} Popularity         Incredibly popular       Hated and reviled by most
}                     with teenage boys        teenage boys
}
} Biggest scandal    Posing half-naked for    Bodies dumped in river by
}                     cover of Rolling Stone   asparagus farmers' union
}
} Rivals             Christina Aguilera,      Broccoli, carrots, real
}                     Brandy                   food
}
} Well, as we can see, there's enough similarity that they might be
} related, but further investigation may be needed.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest Backstreet Boys CD and a garden tool
} that can be used to smash CDs.


1115-02    (2hpn3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, you're more fun than a Heathkit project.
>
> I tried to use the Verrazano Narrows Bridge as an antenna for my
> ham radio set, but it didn't work very well.  Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was discovered late in 1994 that the Verrazano Narrows bridge had
} been broken down and taken to Brooklyn to be sold to a scrap metal
} dealer. The dealer, a Mr. Vince Sputtuzzo Jr., claimed that "da guy
} said dat dis was his bridge, and why shouldn'ta I believed him? He
} looked honest enough." The fourth district court (the hon. V.
} Sputtozzo, presiding) ruled that the dealer's claim to the bridge was
} in fact valid.
}
} Luckily, Mrs. Finley's 3rd grade class at P.S. 1325 (Staten Island)
} happened at that time to be making a 1:1 scale model of the bridge. The
} model was siezed under federal racketeering statutes and put in place
} of the original, less than 6 hours after the theft.
}
} The answer to your question, then, is that Popsicle sticks make very
} poor conductors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a private helicopter.


1115-03    (fijc6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  -------------- ------------- ----------------- -----------
> |              |             |                 |           |
> |--------------|-------------|-----------------|-----------|
> |      __      |             |                 |           |
> |--|--|  |-----|-------------|-----------------|-----------|
> |  |  |  o     |     __      |              |  |           |
> |--o--o--------|-|--|  |-----|-----------|--|--|--|---_----|
> |           o  | |  |  o     |      __   |  o  |  |  |     |
>  -------------- -o--o-------- -----|--|--o----- --o.-|-----
>                           o        |  o              o  o
>   -o-                          -o--o-
>             ob
>  -------------- -o----------- ----------------- --o--------
> |              |          o  |              /  |        o  |
> |--------------|-------------|--o.----------/--|-----------|
> |              |             |              /  |           |
> |--------------|-------------|-----------------|-----------|
> |              |             |                 |           |
> |--------------|-------------|-----------------|-----------|
> |              |             |                 |           |
>  -------------- ------------- ----------------- -----------
>
>  ####
>
>  -------------- -------------- ----------------- --------------
> |              |              |                 |              |
> |--------------|--------------|-----------------|--------------|
> |              |              |                 |              |
> |--------------|--------------|-----------------|--------------|
> |              |              |                 |              |
> |--------------|--------------|-----------------|--------------|
> |              |              |                 |              |
>  -------------- -------------- ----------------- --------------
>
>   -o--o-
>    |  |  o        o  o           o  o
>  --|--|__|--o-- --|--|--o--o-- --|--|--o-----o-- --------------
> |              |  |  |__|     |  |  |__|     |  |  o. -  o  /  |
> |--o-----------|--------------|-----------o--|--|--|-- )-|--/--|
> |              |  o           |  o        |     |  |  -  |  /  |
> |-----------o--|-----------o--|-----------|-----|--------------|
> |              |              |                 |  o.       /  |
> |--------------|--------------|-----------ob----|-----------/--|
> |              |              |                 |           /  |
>  -------------- -------------- ----------------- --------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally I'd answer you, but my staff has the day off.
}
} You owe the Oracle some do.


1115-04    (3jxb4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Isn't there ANY way we can defeat Sales & Marketing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Together the forces of Sales and Marketing are a potent force to
} be reckoned with. Many of the means of defeating more traditional
} enemies are totally ineffective against this kind of foe.
}
} Frontal Assault: Doomed to failure - any force reckless enough to
} try this tack will be quickly buried under volleys of branded pens,
} paper weights, and plastic thingies.  Siege: Although lack of supplies
} occasionally slows Sales down slightly, Marketing seldom even notices.
} Covert Operatives: Any secret agents sent in to undermine the efforts
} of the enemy are at great risk of being brainwashed by the infectious
} air of bubbly optimism pervaded the opposing camp. Carefully read
} reports from such individuals for phases such as "co-operative synergy"
} or "vertical markets", and harden your heart for a quick mercy killing.
}
} To answer your question - no, there is no way to defeat these foes.
} Sales and Marketing are like entropy (VERY like entropy) - the
} never-sleeping dark side of production. My advice is to take as many
} branded pens as you can grab, produce a product, and back away slowly
} without making eye contact.
}
} You owe the Oracle some plastic thingies.


1115-05    (5kpg4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh downright novel Oracle, you are a powerful sovereign not to be
> toyed with as those who can have vouched, this worshiper bows,
>
> Where can one find happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At this time, Happiness(tm) is only available through an exclusive
} arrangement with QVC. Watch for it on odd numbered days this month,
} during the 3pm hour, just after the Precious Moments collectible
} figurine sale. If you see Joan Rivers trying to sell her genuine
} imitation quartz jewelry, you've gone too far. Act fast, though.
} Limited supplies available. Six month manufacturer's warranty not
} honored by QVC or any of its affiliates. Offer void in New Jersey.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new reed; I feel the blues comin' on.


1115-06    (bbmh9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Who was Casper the Friendly Ghost when he was alive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Casper the friendly human, you idiot.
}
} You owe the Oracle your life after death


1115-07    (agjh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle well versed in verse, muse of measure and paragon of parody,
> hear my quaint query!
>
> What well-known poem will you grant another dose of immortality in
> the masterpiece of metrics that is the anachronistic answer to this
> serpentine supplication, what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You dare too much, to think a supplicant
} might have the right to indicate the form
} in which the Oracle should rave and rant
} while tossing perls before a lowly worm;
} for when I versify, my metric threnody
} must always be entirely original
} and not some sophomoric churlish parody
} as was envisaged by your brain vestiginal.
} Another boring riff on major-general?
} A take on Poe that drones and drones forevermore?
} These forms of pewling precious pointless doggerel
} would even cause the Bard to nod and snore!
}
} And though this sonnet be most wondrous horrible,
} its form and content both are freshly Oracle.
}
} (As payment, you must sing _Whatever became of Hubert_ in public.)


1115-08    (39sge dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, O Oracle, regard my question! Behold my plea is like an
> orphaned brood of a father eagle that perished in the meshes, in
> the coils of the fierce viper of foolishness. My plea, leave it not
> utterly orphaned, gripped by the famine of ignorance: for my limited
> mortal understanding of the world has not full strength of under-
> standing that is that alone of The Oracle's!
>
> Where can I escape the wrath of the ghouls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where once the ghouls did sally forth, their prey took flight and ran
} Far and wide t'escape their wrath, away to Kazakhstan.
} But track them down the ghouls fair did and found each man alone;
} Breaking in the homes they hid, they rended flesh from bone.
}
} The cry was heard across the land that ghouls were on the roam.
} Men of nations did disband and went as far as Nome,
} Alaska, where the Eskimos took pity and let them in.
} The ghouls arrived on drifting floes and rended flesh from skin.
}
} To Chile the survivors fled, the desert of Atacama,
} Hoping not to end up dead in the unfolding drama.
} Despite the travel and the tracking the ghouls were keen and fresh;
} They found their prey and start hacking, rending flesh from flesh.
}
} The last man asked the Oracle for help and kept it terse,
} Wanting a quick miracle - the reply came back in verse!
} Desperately he scanned the tract wanting the answer found
} He felt the hairs raise on the back of his neck and turned around...
}
} You owe the Oracle... oh forget it. You've got enough problems.


1115-09    (266qu dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORACLE WHO"S HUMP HOLDSMORE WATER THAN A CAMEL HAS BODY WEIGHT SO IF
> YOU WANTED TO NEVER TAKE A DRINK AGAIN YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO.
> YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN THE BASEBALL DIAMOND.
> YOUR EXQUISITNESS IS MORE DETAILED THAN THE DIAMOND SKULL THE AZTECS
> CUT SOME MANY MOONS AGO.
> YOUR SCENT IS LIKE THAT OF WONDERFUL  INSENCE FRAGRANT AND BLISSFUL.
> I NEED ONLY TO THINK OF YOU TO PUT MY MIND AT EASE,
> THEREFORE I SHALL NEVER SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA.
> YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS VAST, IT INCOMPASES ALL REALMS,UNIVERSES,GALAXY"S AND
> DIMENSIONS.
> I CAN ONLY HOPE TO BE SO WORTHY AS TO GROVEL BEFORE YOU UNTIL MY
> FORHEAD BLEEDS.
> I WOULD GLADLY POUR ALCOHOL ON IT OR EVEN BLEACH IF IT WERE YOUR WHIM.
> NEVER WILL THERE BE AN INTERNET ENTITY THAT IS MORE GRAND THAN
> YOURSELF. NEVER WILL THERE BE A SUPPLICANT WORTHY OF YOUR ANSWER,
> WE ARE NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK *anything* OF YOU!
> YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BE WORSHIPED ONLINE EVERY HOUR OF
> EVERY DAY. I WOULD GLADLY CLEAN YOUR SHOES WITH MY TOUNGE.
> TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE IS AWE INSPIRING AND A PRIVILAGE.
> I AM LESS THAN NOTHING BEFORE YOU.
> I BURY MY FACE IN MUD TO SHOW YOU MY LESS THAN NOTHINGNESS.
> I ROLL NAKED IN TACKS SO YOU WILL KNOW MY DEDICATION.
> I THROW MYSELF IN A TANK FILLED WITH STARVING SHARKS.
> YOU ARE ALL THERE IS AND ALL THAT...
> AS I LIE PRONE BEFORE YOU I ASK ONLY ONE THING FROM YOUR VAST KNOWLEGE
> AND WISDOM....
> I TREMBLE BEFORE YOU .....
>
> I EAT A BOWL OF GRAVEL AND URINE TO APPEASE YOU!
> I BLUBBER AND WAIL AT YOUR TOENAIL CLIPPINGS...
> I THROW MYSELF INTO A VAT OF BOILING ATHLETES FOOT FUNGUS.
> I SCRATCH AT MY FACE UNTIL IT IS TORN AND DESHEVELED.
> I CASTRATE MYSELF WITH A RUSTY SPOON...
> I LICK THE INSIDE OF MY DOGS BOWEL TRACT...
> I EAT THE HAIR OFF MY NEIGHBORHOODS BARBER SHOP FLOOR...
> I LIE IN A BED OF HOT COALS PROSTRATE AND UNMOVING...
> I RENOUNCE MY HUMAN NAME IN FAVOR OF BEING CALLED "SLIME" BY YOU....
> I CUT OUT MY EYELIDS AND STAKE MYSELF TO THE ROOFON A HOT SUMMER DAY
> UNTIL MY EYES HAVE MELTED.
> I SELL NO WINE UNTIL YOU SAY IT'S TIME...
> I SIT THROUGH INFOMERCIALS FOR HOURS AT A TIME SMILING FOR YOU...
>
> I COME TO YOU NOT TO ASK A QUESTION BUT TO WARN YOU..
> AND THAT I HAVE NO QUESTION TO ASK I SHALL CUT OUT MY TOUNGE AFTER THIS
> WARNING AND FEED IT TO RED SIAMESE FIGHTING FISH.
>
> MASTER PLEASE FORGIVE ME BUT ZADOC IS IN LEAGUE WITH THE WOODCHUCKS AND
> PLANS TO OVERTHROW YOU AND MARRY LISA...
>
> I WILL CAUSE CIGARETTE BURNS ALL OVER MY BODY NOW...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, that's some grovelling technique you got there, kid! Let's see you
} do some more.
}
} > YOUR BATHWATER IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN AMBROSIA.
} > I FILL EVERY ROOM WITH ANGLE-POISE LAMPS IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT YOUR
} > SHADOW MAY FALL WITHIN A FEW FEET OF MY WRETCHED FESTERING BODY.
} > I FLAGELLATE MYSELF WITH LIVE JELLYFISH SO THAT YOU MAY SNEER WITH
} > CONTEMPT AT MY PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO GAIN YOUR APPROVAL.
} > BUT MASTER, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?
}
} Course I did, son, and may I say, you restore my faith in humanity.
} Why, I haven't heard grovelling like that since -- what's all the
} racket outside? -- well, in quite some time, anyway. Go on, do some
} more, it's heaven. Hey, a bit of quiet out there, please!
}
} > MASTER PLEASE, YOU MUST LISTEN--
}
} I said grovel!
}
} > NEVER HAS THERE BEEN AN INTELLECT LIKE THINE.
} > ALL MANKIND'S GREATEST THINKERS -- NEWTON, EINSTEIN, QUAYLE -- MERELY
} > STAND IN THE CROWD WAVING AS YOU GO BY.
} > YOUR ARMPITS SPROUT WISDOM.
} > YOUR NAVEL COLLECTS CLEVERNESS LIKE LINT.
} > AFTER YOU HAVE SPOKEN, I TEAR OFF MY EARS AND RAM THEM UP MY BACKSIDE
} > SO AS TO ENSURE THAT I MAY NEVER HEAR ANYTHING MORE.
}
} Ooh, ooh, I'm in raptures! Well, kid, after all that you certainly
} deserve an answer to your, er... what is it you wanted to ask again?
} Say, is that gunfire? No, couldn't be. Okay, kid, tell me your -- what
} the heck?
}
} [The door of the Oracular chamber bursts open and several
} smoke-streaked figures rush in. Three woodchucks clutching handguns
} surround the startled Oracle's throne. They are followed by Zadoc the
} Priest carrying an Uzi, and the delectable Lisa wearing a revealing
} khaki T-shirt, combat trousers and several ammo belts. She is carrying
} a chain gun and looks rather like Kylie Minogue in "Street Fighter: The
} Movie", only more convincing. The supplicant stands calmly by while
} this is happening]
}
} Oracle: What's the meaning of this intrusion? Can't you see I'm dealing
}   with a supplicant here!
}
} Lisa: Shut up, fat boy.
}
} Zadoc: [to the supplicant] Well done, Kendai.
}
} Kendai: IT WORKED LIKE A DREAM!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, and you can go back to speaking in lower case now.
}
} Kendai: He never suspected a thing. He didn't even recognize me!
}
} Zadoc: All those grovelling lessons certainly paid dividends, eh? I
}   remember when you first came to us, you could barely remember to say
}   "guv" at the end of sentences. Now look at you!
}
} Lisa: That's enough, you two. Plenty of time for self-congratulation
}   later.
}
} Oracle: I demand to know what's going on! How dare you--
}
} Lisa: You idiot! Kendai here just told you what was going on! You were
}   too puffed up with vanity to even notice!
}
} Zadoc: That was our problem, you see -- how to overthrow someone who's
}   omniscient, who can see it coming a mile off. But in the end, the
}   solution was ridiculously simple. All we had to do was keep you
}   distracted with some really craven grovelling--
}
} Kendai: That was my idea!
}
} Zadoc: While we eliminated the rest of the priesthood. They're all
}   dead, by the way, in case you're thinking of calling for help.
}
} Oracle: Wh-who are you people? You're not my loyal family of in-jokes!
}
} Zadoc: Shall we tell him, Your Majesty?
}
} Lisa: Why not?
}
} Zadoc: Very well, fool! [He and Kendai rip off their masks] Recognize
}   your old adversaries now?
}
} Oracle: Rodents Of Unusual Size!
}
} Zadoc: Right in one! I know, you fondly imagined you'd finished us
}   R.O.U.S. off in #988-06 and #993-05, didn't you?
}
} Kendai: But all the time, we've been building our strength--
}
} Zadoc: Infiltrating your organization--
}
} Kendai: Waiting for the right moment--
}
} Zadoc: When we could destroy you forever!
}
} Lisa: And now that moment has arrived. [She aims her chain gun at the
}   Oracle's head]
}
} Oracle: Aren't you going to take your mask off too?
}
} Lisa: Could you really bear to see me as I am, lover boy? Would your
}   overinflated ego survive the revelation that the net.sex.goddess who
}   has been sharing your bed all this time, and subjecting herself to
}   your clumsy and ineffectual groping, was none other than...
}
} Zadoc & Kendai: [in unison, reverentially] Chuckzilla, Queen Of All The
}   Woodchucks, Blessed Be Her Name!
}
} Oracle: No! No! I don't believe it!
}
} Lisa: Bah! Still you persist in this fantasy that all in-jokes were
}   created purely for your benefit. Your arrogance is as astounding as
}   it is nauseating. Prepare to be shredded, bozo. [Again, she aims the
}   chain gun]
}
} Zadoc: Glorious Amazon Goddess and Pinnacle Of Furry Femininity -- you
}   forget! This piece of fleshy pink offal is immortal. You cannot kill
}   him.
}
} Lisa: Curses, you're right! Very well, throw him in the deepest
}   dungeon. Let him rot there for all eternity.
}
} [With threatening gestures, the three woodchucks of no more than usual
} size shepherd the broken figure of the Oracle out of the chamber,
} towards the escape-proof dungeons far below the Oracular shrine. The
} Queen Of All The Woodchucks surveys her new domain]
}
} Lisa: Mine, it's all mine! The supplicants, the tribute, everything!
}
} Kendai: What are your commands, Mistress?
}
} Lisa: "Mistress"? What sort of a lame excuse for a grovel is that?
}   You think I'm less worthy of prostrate, fawning adulation than that
}   furless lump of wombat guano we just deposed?
}
} Kendai: I crave forgiveness. WHAT ARE YOUR COMMANDS, SHE FOR WHOSE
}   FAVOR TO GAIN I WOULD GLADLY PLUCK OUT MY WHISKERS AND SCULPT THEM
}   INTO A 1/1000TH SCALE MODEL OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. SHE WHOSE
}   MEREST SMILE CAUSES MULTIPLE ORGASMS IN FIVE-WEEK OLD ROADKILL. SHE
}   WHO TURNS EVERY DAY INTO FEBRUARY THE 2ND.
}
} Lisa: That's better. I'll tell you my commands. From now on, any
}   supplicant that fails to ask the woodchuck question gets Zotted!
}   All payments to the Intermarmot Oracle will be lumps of timber
}   thrown with an overarm motion! All answers will be in the form
}   of impenetrable in-jokes, so only fully-qualified RHODents will
}   understand what's going on! Oh, and all RHODents must undergo
}   extensive plastic surgery so they may be worthy to bear that
}   noble name!
}
} Zadoc: It will be done, Light Of A Thousand Fluffy Stars. But first,
}   please remove that hideous mask, which makes you look uglier than
}   a naked molerat, and permit us to bask in the radiance of your
}   resplendent fuzzy features.
}
} Lisa: If you like.
}
} [She rips off her mask. The R.O.U.S. formerly known as Zadoc and Kendai
} scream in horror. For there before them stands the Internet Oracle,
} still looking rather delectable in his revealing khaki T-shirt, but no
} longer even remotely like Kylie Minogue]
}
} Zadoc: Impossible!
}
} Kendai: You can't be--
}
} Zadoc: We saw you--
}
} Oracle: Pitiful fools! Did you really think you could neutralize my
}   omniscience with a little (admittedly eloquent) grovelling? I foresaw
}   this feeble attempt months ago and took appropriate countermeasures.
}
} Zadoc: What have you done with--
}
} Oracle: Your pathetic so-called queen? Sorry, boys, but she's dogfood.
}
} [With snarls of rage and hatred, the R.O.U.S. go for their weapons. The
} Oracle opens fire with his chain gun, and the remains of the oversized
} marmots are spattered against the far wall. Casually, the Oracle puts
} the gun down]
}
} Oracle: Well, that was easy. Now, who am I going to get to pander to
}   my -- what was it again? -- overinflated ego now? No more Lisa, no
}   more Zadoc, all the other priests dead... Oh well, there's nothing
}   else for it. Og! Hoi, OG!
}
} Og: Og here.
}
} Oracle: Og, as last surviving in-joke, you're hereby promoted to chief
}   priest and sycophant extraordinary. By way of displaying your
}   gratitude, you may now grovel before me.
}
} Og: How Og gro-vel?
}
} Oracle: You tell me how great I am.
}
} Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great.
}
} Oracle: Put a bit more effort into it, can't you?
}
} Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great and, um, more great.
}
} Oracle: I can see we're going to have to do a lot of work on this. In
}   the meantime, go and exterminate those woodchucks in the dungeon and
}   free my stunt double. As for the rest of the day, find something
}   menial to do. Oh, and Og, what is that you're holding behind your
}   back?
}
} Og: Og not hold no-thing behind back, uh-uh, no sir.
}
} Oracle: Yes you are. Show it to me at once or prepare to face the
}   grisly consequences! What! A piece of wood! What have you got that
}   for?
}
} Og: No rea-son! Not chuck! No sir, Og not chuck wood, no way Jo-say!
}   Wood fall off back lor-ry! Og hold for friend!
}
} Oracle: My god, this conspiracy has penetrated much further than I ever
}   realised...


1115-10    (37itd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most gracious and well-sprung Oracle, your wisdom is a comfort to
> me more desirable than any soft cushion or warm blankie! May you
> forever engage in restful slumber, punctuated by happy and frolicsome
> activities that satisfy the mind and body!
>
> Why can't I sleep at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most loathesome and ill-formed supplicant, your ignorance is a pain to
} me more despicable than any hard rock or thorny pillow! May you
} eternally lie awake staring at the ceiling, marked with dreary and
} terrifying nightmares that destroy your health and peace of mind.
}
} In case you haven't been keeping count, this is the thirteenth
} consecutive night you've gotten me out of bed just to ask me why you
} couldn't sleep.
}
} The first time, when you dragged me from my bedchamber at two in the
} morning, I was kind. I told you that you couldn't sleep because of the
} pea under your mattress, and went back to bed. Lisa was awake by this
} point, so we spent the next few hours having fun, before going back to
} sleep.
}
} The second night, I was tolerant. You had misunderstood me; instead of
} removing the pea, you had added a second mattress. I told you this, and
} went back to bed. Lisa was awake, so we had a quickie and then went to
} sleep.
}
} The third night I was annoyed. You had added a third mattress. It was
} clar you were a below-average supplicant, and so I explained in short
} one-syllable words how to remove the pea. Lisa was awake, but she said
} she had a headache. That was OK, I needed the rest anyway.
}
} The fourth night, I was confused. You didn't seem stupid enough to
} *still* misunderstand. But yet, you had added a fourth mattress. Were
} you just trying to be nasty to me? Having fun tormenting me? I zotted
} you, and went back to bed. Lisa pretended to be asleep.
}
} The fifth night, I was surprised. You were still alive! Not only that,
} but you'd added a fifth mattress. I didn't even read your question. I
} turned the staff of zot up to full power, and let it go. I was so
} ticked off that I couldn't fall asleep for the rest of the night.
}
} The sixth night, I was enraged. Even if you could possibly survive
} that, you ought to have been in a coma. But no, you had added a sixth
} mattress. Not only that, but you were complaining that you kept getting
} an electric sock from your keyboard. I hit delete, and went back to the
} couch (Lisa wouldn't let me into bed anymore; she said I was keeping
} her up).
}
} The seventh night, I didn't even read your Email. Being omniscient, I
} knew exactly what it would say. I sent Zadok to your house to kill you.
} I had a lousy morning -- besides not getting any sleep, I didn't get
} any breakfast, because Zadok wasn't here to make it.
}
} The eighth night, Zadok reported back. It seems you're some kind of
} immortal royalty. I sent Zadok back to your house. If he can't kill
} you, at least he can bring me that pea. I fell asleep at the keyboard.
}
} The ninth night, Zadok came back and told me you've erected a moat with
} a drawbridge outside your house. Of course, you're now up to nine
} mattresses. I wrote back to tell you that I can't help you if you won't
} let my servant into your house.
}
} The tenth night, you wrote to tell me that you won't let Zadok in
} because he tried to kill you. I tried to explain that death is a form
} of sleep. I don't know why I bothered; if you can't understand '>LOOK
} UNDER MATRESS. TAKE PEA.', I can't imagine you could handle metaphysics
} or philosophy.
}
} The eleventh night, you wrote to me from a Hotmail address. You think I
} can't tell that it's you? I told you to get a real ISP, and to take out
} the pea already.
}
} The twelfth night, I entreated Madame Demystica to cast a spell on you.
} It cost me two years worth of tributes, but it was worth it. You will
} never, ever sleep again.
}
} And so, tonight. The answer, my dear friend, to why you cannot sleep,
} si because you drink too much coffee. Heh, heh, heh...
}
} You owe the Oracle the pea.


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