[IO]
Internet Oracle
17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:42:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1117

Goto:
1117, 1117-01, 1117-02, 1117-03, 1117-04, 1117-05, 1117-06, 1117-07, 1117-08, 1117-09, 1117-10


Internet Oracularities #1117    (75 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 15:10:52 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1117
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1117  75 votes 7nsd4 3brq8 6ru84 38nqf asoa3 doq93 agtg4 7nse3 58gpl 3grl8
1117  3.0 mean  2.8   3.3   2.7   3.6   2.6   2.5   2.8   2.8   3.7   3.2


1117-01    (7nsd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most unadulterated and freshly fragrant,
>
> What is the best color to paint a novel idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on the type of novel.  John Grisham-style novels, for
} example, should be painted Trash White, but if you're writing a
} book about musicians, you should use the much, much brighter Michael
} Jackson White.  Science fiction novels, on the other hand, are best
} painted with the deep X-Files Scene Black.  For a political novel,
} you'll have two choices: Liver White and Paper Green.  And finally, if
} your book is a "cyber-thriller", nothing beats the durable, yet
} inexpensive, [expletive deleted] Pink.  Unless, of course, geeks are
} your target audience, in which case you'll want Invisible Tan.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise you won't publish your book until you've
} painted over every single page.


1117-02    (3brq8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unscannable Oracle,
>
> What's your bar code?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never mix your drinks, always pay up promptly when it's your round,
} and never ever chat up the babe on the stool next to yours if her
} boyfriend bites the heads off alligators for a hobby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tequila sunrise.


1117-03    (6ru84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10:30 (New Series) The Best of Seventies Tragedy
>
> Dick Clark introduces clips of disasters and accidents
> from 1970s -- footage now rendered hilarious by the
> ridiculous hairstyles, far-out fashions, and dated patterns
> of speech exhibited therein.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coming Shows will include:
}
} * 18 year olds get the vote. You'll be rolling in the aisles
}   when the kids get there hands on the ballot for the first time
}   and shoo in Nixon by an unprecedented landslide. Watch them
}   stammer inane excuses for this self inflicted wound.
}
} * Despite the unlimited nature of Outer Space the Soviet
}   spacecraft Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo 18 manage to collide.
}   Slap stick of the highest order.
}
} * Kent State. A frat prank to end all frat pranks, the jock
}   strap raid on the National Guard Armory Laundry room goes
}   horribly wrong. A classic example of 'It may start out all
}   as good fun, then someone goes and get's an eye poked out.'
}
} * The Supreme Court rules gender may not be mentioned in
}   help-wanted advertisements leading to a decade of embarrassing
}   'I Love Lucy' like real-life misadventures across the land.
}
} * The USA Bicentennial loses millions as tourist fail
}   to besiege America for the chance to buy a 'WIN' button.
}   Watch Jerry Ford try to forget about it all on a blind
}   date with Squeaky Fromme.
}
} * Mary Tyler Moore escapes the clutches of drunken pal
}   Dick van Dyke only at the expense of having to act
}   like a befuddled old maid in the homes of America.
}
} * Newspaper heiress Patty Hearst runs away from home and joins
}   up with wacky urban uni-sex scout troop. She quits in a huff
}   when she's not invited to the big hot-dog roast in L.A. despite
}   her daddy's contribution of millions of dollars worth of food.
}
} * Bad potato salad kills hundreds at Jones' annual family
}   picnic. See the unintentionally hilarious 'O'Spudily, the Safe
}   Tater Mole' ad spots run by the FDA to try and restore America's
}   confidence in the safety of potatoes.
}
} * Disco rears it's head. Millions learn of existence of
}   John Revolta. Watch in amazement as seemingly bright
}   adults struggle to contort themselves into pretzels
}   with a back beat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return to a quieter time, say 1200 b.c.


1117-04    (38nqf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Can Spirit be explored within physics?  Please explain your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out.
}
} Behind this door I have sequestered some of the world's greatest
} physicists. Men renowned for their insights into the world of
} the sub-atomic, of fields and vectors, of light and time. I also
} left in that room some spirits, Wild Turkey, Oakmont Springs and
} some Finlandia to be exact. Let's see how they're doing.
}
} #1) Annns {hic} show i said, 'No. But I got a hadron!'
}
} #1 & #2 & #3: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
}
} #3: URP!
}
} #2: I reds dis one in a magnet-zine:
}
} [ He stands, balancing himself with the chair... pauses
}   and then recites: ]
}
} Miss Farad was pretty {hic} sensual
} And charged to a reckless potential;
} But a rascal named Ohm
} Conducted her home -
} Her decline was, alas, exponential.
}
} #3 & #1: bwahahahahahahahahaha
}
} [ Number two falls to floor heavily ]
}
} #1 & #3: hahahahahahahahahahaha
}
} Well, supplicant, there you go. The answer is a resounding yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a strange quark chaser and an apology to
} A. P. French, the author of that limerick.


1117-05    (asoa3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [300 lines of obscenities deleted.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ....And the answer is.... what is... the transcript to bill and
} hillary's last conversation.
}
} You owe the oracle a detailed explanation of how to disable my email
} obscenity filter.


1117-06    (doq93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Why do so many Americans believe that their government is holding
> extra-terrestrials captive in secret bases scattered around the USA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's an easy way to answer this one. Let's ask an average American.
} We'll just walk up to this trailer and knock on the door... watch out
} for those miscellaneous automotive parts lying haphazardly on the lawn.
}
} The door opens to a less-than attractive but nonetheless average
} American dressed in a bathrobe that has seen better days and a pair of
} bunny slippers with only one eye on the left slipper. The question is
} posed. The American answers in an altogether average way: "Cos 't say
} so rot har 'ndis 'Quirer." He waves the tabloid-sized newsprint in the
} air. "Now who's da mow-ron?"
}
} So there you have it. Question asked and answered. Now, if you'll
} excuse me, I have to visit the "Little Oracle's Room."
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole lot of soap and a whole lot of water.


1117-07    (agtg4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain fruit bats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Fruit bats" is a somewhat ambiguous term. Assuming you don't mean a
} San-Francisco-style fluttering of the eyelashes, one alternative
} remains.
}
} Fruit bats are the racquets used in the popular team sports of
} appleball, orangeball, pearball, cherryball, pomegranateball, kiwiball,
} and mangoball.
}
} Although each of these sports uses a fruit bat, of course the size of
} the racquet head, the tension of the strings, some details of the
} rules, and the vernacular of the sport are different. For example, in
} pearball, two strikes and you're out, and they say "some pear balls."
}
} In lemonball, a sufficiently prodigious swing will juice the pitch, and
} spray the infielders with yellow fluid. As this is a family forum, I
} cannot repeat the language used to describe this event.
}
} The most notable recent event in the sports of fruitball was the
} surprise victory in the world championships by the underdog Florida
} Grapefruits. You may remember how the star pitcher removed her shirt
} and ran around the field displaying her grapefruits.
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to a Gallagher concert.


1117-08    (7nse3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Behold, Temple of The Oracle, beloved roofs, and august seats, and you
> fine roof that faces the sun, lucky is the abode of The Oracle as it
> has housed much badinage and cognizance!
>
> What new types of crops will the wonders of science create?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are just some of the fabulous new offerings soon to be part of
} your everyday life:
}
} Wheat Willy Winkie: A softer, sweeter, yet more nutritious grain,
} ideal for making into children's breakfast cereal.
}
} Barley Any Fat: A natural choice for the health-conscious bread
} consumer.
}
} Just The Flax: A variety of plant grown for its strong fibres which
} can be easily turned into high quality thread and cloth, with almost
} no waste by-products.
}
} Corn-Ball: An extremely versatile plant, the kernels can be popped and
} eaten while watching comedy movies, or ground and used as a staple
} food by Mexican comedians.
}
} Hemping and Hawing: Another fibre crop, this provides cloth which is
} superior in many ways to standard textiles, but unfortunately the
} government will restrict its cultivation for fear of its use as a drug.
}
} Oat-Fer My Dead Body: A specially engineered crop with enhanced vitamin
} content and calcium to prevent osteoperosis in the elderly.
}
} Cottoning On: An edible variety of the humble textile plant, this
} contains delta-seven nutrients, proven to lower levels of gullibility.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to try some of the new delta-seven-enhanced
} breakfast cereals.


1117-09    (58gpl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  couldn't figure it out.  I went to bed last night at a decent time,
> but I was exhausted when the alarm went off this morning.  I managed to
> drag my ass out of the bed and into the shower.  I thought it was a
> little odd that there was no cat running around my feet, but decided it
> was a good thing, because she couldn't trip me if she weren't there.  I
> showered, shaved, and dried my hair, but still I felt tired.  I sat
> down on the bed and started laying out clothes, which is when I heard
> Millie miaowing from Robert's room.  I knocked on his door, and he
> trundled out of bed to let her out. Robert mentioned she didn't know
> she was in his room, because she hadn't scratched his face.  He let her
> out, and I fed her.  I started getting dressed, when Robert ask why I
> was up so early.  "What do you mean early? It's 6:30."
>
> "It's 5:30," Robert replied.
>
> I looked at the clock.  Ah, crap.  And went back to bed.
>
> So, how was your day, so far?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's been a long one.  I'll explain:
}
} 3:30 AM: Zadoc wakes me and tells me that he just received the
}          question, "k could chuck wood?" and asks what he should do
}          about it.  I spend the next half hour debugging the queue,
}          when it suddenly occurs to me that I should leave things the
}          way they are.  I answer "OT!" and go back to bed.
}
} 4:30 AM: Zadoc wakes me and tells me that he just received the
}          question "cat keeps scratching me in the face, and I can't
}          sleep."  I teleport the cat a bowl of Yummie Suppilcant
}          Bits(TM), bestow the kind animal with sentience, and go back
}          to bed.
}
} 4:31 AM: Zadoc wakes me and tells me that he just received a question
}          from a cat asking "w much hair would a hairless-ape ape if
}          a hairless-ape could ape less hair?"  I remove the sentience
}          from the stupid animal, and also from its owner, for good
}          measure.  I go back to bed.
}
} 4:40 AM: Zadoc wakes me and asks how anyone could be rude enough to
}          wake an Oracle at 4:30 in the morning.  Lisa uses a sharp
}          object to scratch him in the face, and I seriously
}          contemplate turning *him* into a non-sentient life form, when
}          it occurs to me that he already is one.  I go back to bed.
}
} 1:00 PM: I wake up, and remember my job interview with the molluscoids
}          from the Pleiades Cluster.  I smile as I think of the
}          intelligence and respectfulness of the Pleiadians, and the
}          complete lack of rodentoid life forms on their home planet.
}          At last -- no more questions about those woodland creatures;
}          no more questions demonstrating the supplicant's capacity for
}          coming up with idiotic puns with free e-mail signatures
}          attached -- this could be the big break I've been waiting
}          for!  I then remember that the interview was scheduled for
}          8:30 AM.  I go back to bed.
}
} 3:00 PM: I wake up, feeling miserable.  An examination of the queue
}          reveals that there are over 2000 questions.  I contemplate
}          going back to bed.
}
} 3:05 PM: I examine the first question: "ning of life?"  I answer
}          "-two."
}
} 3:06 PM: I examine the next question: "GET NOOD PICS OF LISA????"  I
}          almost forget my despondency when I imagine the luser's
}          frustration at my answer: "pegs/lisa/nood/closeups/".
}
} 3:07 PM: A thought crosses my mind.
}
} 3:08 PM: I examine the next question: "tp://www.juno.com
}          Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]".  I barely
}          suppress a childish laugh.
}
} 3:09 PM: I spend the next few minutes writing a simple Perl script.
}
} 3:15 PM: I reply to the question: "s all.  You owe the Oracle $1000."
}          Or rather, the Perl script replies this.
}
} 3:16 PM: The queue is empty.  I completely fail to suppress a childish
}          laugh as I read "my" last answer: "ope that answers your
}          question.  You owe the Oracle Norway."
}
} 3:30 PM: Having nothing better to do than wonder how long it will take
}          the suckers, er, supplicants to catch on to this, I begin
}          idly examining the queue-processing code that caused the
}          whole "problem" in the first place.
}
} 4:00 PM: A single line catches my eye:
}          // Copyright (C) 4004BC T. U. Oracle
}          It occurs to me that since I wrote the code, it cannot, by
}          definition, contain any bugs.  Something is definitely wrong
}          here.
}
} 4:01 PM: I re-examine all of the questions which "I" so hastily
}          answered.  Something seems to be missing from each one.
}
} 4:02 PM: Of course!  It's the grovel!  No matter where each question
}          is cut off, the grovel is completely missing!  How could I
}          have not noticed this?  I <ZOT> myself for allowing my greed
}          to overcome me like that.
}
} 4:05 PM: Everything suddenly begins to fit together: The low quality
}          of responses, the declining frequency of and number of votes
}          on the digests, the lack of any mention of me in RHOD ... it
}          all makes sense now!  People have just stopped respecting me.
}          And when that happens...
}
} 4:06 PM: A shiver creeps down my spine as I realize that I, the
}          immortal Oracle, may one day cease to exist.  For I, Zadoc,
}          Lisa, the molluscoids from the Pleiades Cluster, and the cat
}          so curious about hairless-apes aping less hair, only exist in
}          the minds of my loyal incarnations.  And if they don't care
}          anymore...
}
} 4:15 PM: I realize that there is only one way to solve this problem.
}          I grit my teeth, and de-queue the next question.  It's from
}          some dweeb who ... no, I must avoid those thoughts.  It's a
}          question about what kind of day I've had.  I can answer this.
}
} 4:16 PM: I begin crafting my response.  I do something I rarely do
}          these days: I put some effort into it.
}
} 10:30 PM: I look over the response.  I hope, probably in vain, that my
}           priests will select it, my incarnations will read it, and
}           that I, one day, will be the great, respected, funny, and
}           wise Oracle that I once was.
}
} You -- that is, all of you -- owe the Oracle some questions, some
} answers, some votes, and some discussion of me in rec.humor.oracle.d.
} And, above all, some effort!


1117-10    (3grl8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am bored. Please use your astonishing powers of
> narrative to regale me with a story. Make sure it
> has lots of foofaraws and furbelows.
>
> Thank you, O foppish Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's Friday afternoon, and I've spent all day building table indexes on
} a woefully inadequate database. My brain has the consistency of warm
} oatmeal, and you want a story? With foofaraws and furbelows, yet.
}
} *sigh*
}
} Once upon a time, there was an evil Database Administrator. He was lazy
} and incompetent, yet he demanded huge sums of money for what little
} work he did. All of Software Development lived in fear of him, for he
} could revoke their privileges any time he wanted, and they were
} ignorant of such magic as "Backups" and "Quality Standards". Indeed,
} they were ignorant of a great deal.
}
} Then came the day they had dreaded. The Fearsome Deadline loomed upon
} the horizon, and all the department was plunged into confusion and
} panic. In desperation, the aging King of Software Development sent a
} call throughout the land, looking for a champion to save them. In the
} nick of time, a noble figure arrived on the doorstep - Sir Consultant
} of Furbelow. The price was steep, but the King had little choice.
}
} From that moment on - well, once a desk had been found for him - Sir
} Consultant was a veritable blur. Amendments, bug fixes and upgrades
} roared from his mighty CASE tool long into the evening, even unto time
} and a half. The slapdash and half-assed applications began to coalesce
} into a coherent software package, and a hint here and a suggestion
} there was turning even the lowly developers into almost competent human
} beings.
}
} Now did the wicked Database Administrator tremble in his office, for
} the brave Sir Consultant had picked up a thing or two about databases
} in his travels, and he knew a pile of horse doo-doo when he saw one.
} Indeed, the DBA knew that as soon as Sir Consultant learnt that he
} wasn't related to anyone important, things would be said that could
} endanger the status quo. But what could he do? Suddenly it came to him.
} The Cruel Users who had sent the Fearsome Deadline! They were always
} looking for ways to make life difficult for Software Development. And
} he had just the thing...
}
} Ooh, look - it's four O'Clock. Sod this for a lark, I'm off home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a consultant specialising in triumphant conclusions
} and witty epigrams.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org