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Internet Oracularities #1118

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1118, 1118-01, 1118-02, 1118-03, 1118-04, 1118-05, 1118-06, 1118-07, 1118-08, 1118-09, 1118-10


Internet Oracularities #1118    (77 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999 10:47:41 -0500 (EST)

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1118  77 votes aro97 9ivb8 07zr8 dmpa7 6bmpd 21xni 48nwa cyib2 9bdnl 5hohe
1118  3.1 mean  2.7   2.9   3.5   2.7   3.4   3.7   3.5   2.4   3.5   3.2


1118-01    (aro97 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know how to redo hardwood floors. Help me, please

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't feel a need to hurry, that can often slow down the
} process, which of course is the total opposite of your goal.
}
} Stop and enjoy the moments passed with your hardwood
} floor, savor the joy it gave you. If your partner is
} hurrying you, they are being insensitive. It takes time
} for a floor to get hardwood again, stop, cuddle, sip
} some refreshing nonalcoholic beverage and before you
} know it the floor will be ready again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shellacing.


1118-02    (9ivb8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, use your powers to bestow me with an answer to my
> question! My fiancee left me and ran away with another man. As she
> stated in her final letter, it is because he has a bigger IBM hard
> drive, and it's even SCSI.
>
> What am I to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not, O tiny and slightly unpleasant-smelling human,
}
} While he in fact does have a larger hard drive, he has improperly
} terminated the SCSI chain. Even as we speak tiny errors are creeping
} into his file system, which will grown worse over time and eventually
} lead to a complete system crash. Disgusted, your beloved will return to
} you, finally coming to the realization...
}
} It's not how big it is, it's what you do with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some tweezers.


1118-03    (07zr8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, your wisdom is like the sun shining atop a sea of dark storm
> clouds full of angered rain and cranky bolts of lighting, your wit
> like the foam of a huge wave hurling towards a small boat and an
> albatross and a surfacing submarine in desperate need of fresh air
> all at the same time. For you are overpowering and strong.
>
> What would life on a planet with sentient beavers be like?
>
> Thank you Wise One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life on a planet with sentient beavers:
}
} -- Public works (bridges, roads, and esp dams) take maximum priority.
} -- Tail-piercings become the fashion statement of disaffected teens.
} -- All medical insurance is required by law to cover orthodontia.
} -- Polticians aren't speaking metaphorically when they say they've got
}    a new plank in their platform.
} -- State fairs don't serve "pickle on a stick" or "hot dog on a stick";
}    instead, they start serving "stick."
} -- All housing is lakeshore property.
} -- The nefarious "woodchuck question" is viewed with bemused
}    puzzlement, as everyone knows exactly how much wood a woodchuck would
}    chuck.
} -- Caber tossing is imported from Earth and becomes the national
}    pasttime...with an added twist: competitors must fell their own
}    cabers.
} -- Flooding is viewed as creating additional housing opportunities.
} -- Nobody is impressed by the Hoover Dam.
} -- Animal-rights activists regularily protest "apehair hats" and demand
}    that haberdashers start using their own pelts to make hats.  This
}    suggestion is met with disgust and amusement.
} -- Meanwhile, back on Earth, Fox Mulder discovers that the cherry trees
}    in Washington, DC were actually cut down by alien tourists wanting
}    souveniers.  He never finds enough evidence to prove anything, but
}    learns the whole story from a shadowy figure in an overcoat known
}    only as "The Buck-Toothed Man."
}
} You owe the Oracle some wetland property in Canada.  Preferably wide,
} flat, forested, and containing a spring-fed stream which is easily
} dammed.


1118-04    (dmpa7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the most high note,
>
> Why are bagpipes so popular when all they sound like is a cat being
> squeezed? (and look like it too)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And what is wrong with hugging a kitty?


1118-05    (6bmpd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose foliage is ever-resplendent in shades found created only
> for your wonderful self, please tell this lowly supplicant what to
> expect on the first day of autumn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the first day of autumn, your boss will give to you: incompetent
} stupidity.
}
} On the second day of autumn, your boss will give to you: two bad
} decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the third day of autumn, your boss will give to you: three budget
} cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the fourth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: four hours
} overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent
} stupidity.
}
} On the fifth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: five downsized
} team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions
} and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the sixth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: six clueless
} comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget
} cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the seventh day of autumn, your boss will give to you: seven boring
} meetings, six clueless comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours
} overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent
} stupidity.
}
} On the eighth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: eight
} presentations, seven boring meetings, six clueless comments, five
} downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget cuts, two bad
} decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the ninth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: nine pointless
} buzzwords, eight presentations, seven boring meetings, six clueless
} comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget
} cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the tenth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: ten market
} requirements, nine pointless buzzwords, eight presentations, seven
} boring meetings, six clueless comments, five downsized team-mates, four
} hours overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent
} stupidity.
}
} On the eleventh day of autumn, your boss will give to you: eleven
} downsized team-mates, ten market requirements, nine pointless
} buzzwords, eight presentations, seven boring meetings, six clueless
} comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget
} cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} On the twelfth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: twelve
} brain-dead tasks, eleven downsized team-mates, ten market requirements,
} nine pointless buzzwords, eight presentations, seven boring meetings,
} six clueless comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime,
} three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to enjoy your work.


1118-06    (21xni dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and mighty Oracle, whose powers of love connecting make Chuck
> Woolery look like a feeble amateur,
>
> There's this stunning girl, this wonderfully intelligent and charming
> female, who seems to have taken to hanging around me occasionally.
>
> However, these outings are rare, and I'm not sure how much she really
> notices that I even exist.
>
> What can I do to get her attention?
>
>               Confused

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This depends entirely on how compatible you are. Please fill in the
} following questionnaire, awarding points from 1 to 5 to both yourself
} and the object of your desire.
}
} A. AGE
}     5 - 13-16
}     4 - 17-25
}     3 - 26-40
}     2 - 41-65
}     1 - 65 or over
}
} B. SEXUAL ORIENTATION
}     5 - Heterosexual
}     4 - Bisexual
}     3 - Homosexual
}     2 - Trappist monk
}     1 - Hasn't been taught about sex yet
}
} C. SPECIES
}     5 - Homo sapiens sapiens
}     4 - Genus Homo anyway
}     3 - Anthropoid ape
}     2 - Other (cute & furry)
}     1 - Other (slimy)
}
} D. ACCULTURATION
}     5 - Classical music, theater, museums
}     4 - Classic rock, cinema, walks in the park
}     3 - Heavy metal, bowling, drinking beer
}     2 - Rap, street fights, body piercing
}     1 - Grunting, drooling, eating bugs
}
} E. ATTRACTIVENESS - PHYSICAL
}     5 - Beautiful
}     4 - Pretty
}     3 - Plain
}     2 - Ugly
}     1 - Bill Gates
}
} F. ATTRACTIVENESS - INTELLECTUAL
}     5 - IQ 150 or over
}     4 - IQ 120-150
}     3 - IQ 100-120
}     2 - IQ 80-100
}     1 - IQ of banana slug
}
} G. ATTRACTIVENESS - FINANCIAL
}     5 - Bill Gates
}     4 - Rich
}     3 - Comfortable
}     2 - Student (arts subject)
}     1 - Student (science subject)
}
} H. ATTRACTIVENESS - CONVERSATIONAL
}     5 - The life and soul of every party
}     4 - Can hold an interesting conversation on 2 or 3 subjects
}     3 - Deaf mute
}     2 - Regular IRC user
}     1 - Student (science subject)
}
} Having added up both your scores, your plan of campaign for getting
} noticed should now be based on the difference between them, as
} indicated below.
}
} DIFFERENTIAL
} ------------
} 0-7:   You need do nothing; let's face it, you were made for each
}        other. Just cough discreetly next time she's around, and she'll
}        fall into your arms.
}
} 8-15:  Strike up a conversation. Take her out to an appropriate venue
}        based on her level of acculturation. Tell her how you feel about
}        her. Ensure alcohol flows freely. It'll take some effort and
}        probably won't last, but it can be done.
}
} 16-23: [in your favor] It actually gets easier at this point. Hit her
}        over the head with a blunt object (or take her to a heavy metal
}        concert to achieve the same effect), then drag her by the hair
}        to your bedroom bellowing "My woman!" She'll find this
}        irresistibly romantic.
}
}        [in her favor] Stalking should do the trick. She'll loathe you,
}        but she'll be in no doubt about your existence.
}
} 24-32: [in your favor] Change your name, wear a disguise and leave the
}        country. Believe me, you'll thank me in time.
}
}        [in her favor] Well, you could set fire to yourself while
}        hang-gliding nude off the Sears Tower singing "Louie Louie"
}        through a megaphone until you expire. Okay, it's not the most
}        appealing prospect imaginable, but it ought to get her attention
}        for a couple of minutes.


1118-07    (48nwa dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, could you please tell me a bed time story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One night a good and happy child laid down for their nightly
} slumber. However the child had forgotten to say their prayers
} which may or may not have had an effect on what happened later.
}
} As the child drifted off to the lad of Nod they could
} hear the crickets outside, the low voices of their parents
} (who were obviously saying their prayers by chanting 'oh
} god,ohgod,ohohgod' over and over again) and the gentle
} whir of the fan on the bookstand above the drowsy child.
}
} Under the bed the hell-voles were sharpening their knives
} by the crimson light cast by their demonic eyes while the
} wormspawn worked their way slowly, so slowly upwards through
} the mattress...
}
} Hmm? Now you don't want to hear a bed time story? Fine.
} No problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of water.


1118-08    (cyib2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most wise and ancient;
>
> Does Age, Guile, and Treachery *always* win against
> Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut, or just most of the
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Always. So before we start another game of Twister, pay up what
} you owe me so far, Linguini-head.


1118-09    (9bdnl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why does notebook paper have 5 holes drilled in
> it, when notebooks only have 3 rings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I went to school, we had but One Ring to bind them all.


1118-10    (5hohe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I leave?
>
> Will I regret it?
>
> What's for dinner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know what, that's 3 questions, and not even a grovel.  I'm feeling
} somewhat gracious today, so I'll give you one, count'em ONE, answer.
} I'll take the last one:
}
} <Cheesy Titanic-action music fades in>
} Five years ago, Kaga Takeshi, an eccentric Japanese millionare with a
} penchant for fine cuisine realized his dream -- Kitchen Stadium!
}
} He built a dual kitchen, an arena for cooking, then sought out the
} greatest chefs of all time, THE IRON CHEFS.  Each an expert in his own
} field, this millionare hired IRON CHEF Chinese - Chen Kenichi, IRON
} CHEF Japanese - Morimoto Masaharu, IRON CHEF French - Sakai Hiroyuki,
} and IRON CHEF Italian - Kobe Masahiko.  Each week, they fight a guest
} challenger, a great chef in his or her own right, designing dishes
} surrounding a theme ingredient.  This week's challenger and ingredient
} will now be introduced by Takeshi-san.
}
} (Spoken in Japanese with English subtitles)
} "If memory serves, American cooking is both bland and unimaginative.
} The epitome of this style is found at one chain of restaurant --
} McDonalds.  The spokesman for that chain is the man behind such classic
} American dishes as "The Quarter Pounder* with Cheese (*before
} cooking)", "The Big Mac", and "The Arch Delux".  Here to take on the
} IRON CHEFs is none other than Chef Ronald McDonald" (Big Katakana
} characters roughly translating to "Clown Cook" appear)
}
} "Ronald-san, which chef would you care to go against today"
}
} "IRON CHEF Chinese - Chin Kenichi"
}
} "Very well, let's introduce today's theme ingredient"
}
} Takeshi removes a sheet to reveal a platform, which raises to reveal
} the mystery theme ingredient, FLOOR SWEEPINGS.
}
} The FLOOR SWEEPINGS Battle begins -- 4 clueless Japanese celebrities
} with no real claim to any kind of culinary expertise are brought out to
} provide comments.  Additionally, a team of expert commentators are
} brought out.  The play by play commentator is Fukui Kenji and the color
} commentator is Ota Sinichiro.
}
} One solid hour of fast and furious food preparation then ensues, often
} punctuated with the sounds of Ota interrupting Fukui's comments with
} statements like:
}
} "Fukui-san, the challenger is used to this ingredient as it is the most
} prevalent thing in his kitchen"  and "Fukui-san, the Iron Chef's pot
} contains rice wine, soy sauce, lobster, lima beans and floor
} sweepings."
}
} Finally, the gong sounds and the chefs display their creations for the
} judges.
}
} The challenger, Ronald McDonald, has prepared the following dishes:
}
} 1) The Quarter Pounder* with Cheese (before cooking) -- This classic
} dish features a patty of floor sweeping with a hint of cow meat
} arranged on a bun with American cheese, ketchup, mustard, 2 pickles,
} and chopped onions.
}
} 2) A Large Order of Fries -- An accompanying dish to the first one,
} this consists of pressed floor sweepings, julienned, and fried in
} canola oil, sprinkled with salt.
}
} 3) A Medium Coke -- To quench the judges thirst, this traditional soft
} drink has been poured over a mound of ice made with floor sweepings.
}
} The judges taste all the food, which is served by the clown, then score
} it in their books.
}
} The IRON CHEF has countered with these creations:
}
} 1) Dom Perignon Soaked Lobster Egg Rolls with Floor Sweepings Chutney
} -- A traditional cantonese appetizer that is sure to please the
} traditional palettes of the judges.
}
} 2) Twice Cooked Floor Sweepings with Steamed Pork Dumplings -- A firey
} Szechuan dish which sears the tastebuds with exquisite and unquenchable
} heat.
}
} 3) Moo Goo Floor-sweepings Pan -- A complement to the previous hot
} dish, this lightly sauced combination of stir fried vegitables and
} floor sweepings.
}
} 4) Kir Janitorial -- A twist on the standard cocktail, this drink
} consists of white wine, framboise, and floor sweepings.
}
} and finally, 5) Floor Sweepings Glace with Adzuki Beans -- The Iron
} Chef's contracts all have a clause that they must always end with an
} ungodly desert made from the theme ingredient, and sweetened with
} Adzuki beans.
}
} Judgement --
}
} Well it's no surprise that "The Iron Chef" has been picked up by the US
} Food Network (Friday and Saturday at 10pm Eastern), because the
} challenger has upset the Iron Chef.
} ----------
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ginzu Hari-Kari knife.


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