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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:52:03 GMT

Internet Oracularities #112

Goto:
112, 112-01, 112-02, 112-03, 112-04, 112-05, 112-06, 112-07, 112-08, 112-09, 112-10


Usenet Oracularities #112    (17 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 2 Feb 90 02:07:34 GMT

*** I won't be sending out any Usenet Oracularities postings next week
*** (Feb 2-9) while I'm away at the Artificial Life conference in Santa
*** Fe.  The week's Oracularities will be read and considered for posting
*** the following week.

@@@ Welcome to all the new folk who found out about the Oracle from the
@@@ recent rec.humor.funny posting!

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

112   17 votes 46511 40742 04562 13652 62522 22454 15434 74312 2b121 44351
112   2.8 mean  2.4   3.0   3.4   3.2   2.5   3.4   3.2   2.2   2.4   2.7


112-01    (46511 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is not a question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not an answer.


112-02    (40742 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Johnny Oracle, can you tell our viewing audience at home about them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Dan, today's champions are happy campers from Guam, visiting the
} mainland US for the first time.  Surrounded by a feast of cheap consumer
} goods, they're almost fainting from delight and hot TV lights.
} (Applause light on.)
}
} And this new refrigerator-desk-garage-door-opener (gasps and cries of
} "Oooooh!" from the audience) will certainly make their life a long
} string of days filled only with luxury and nausea as they return to
} their grass huts in that great American Protectorate, where America's
} Day Begins.  (Cut to Dan's smiling face as he ritually humiliates one of
} the contestants; the crowd goes wild.)
}
} What a lucky bunch they are, aren't they, Dan!  (Applause light on,
} laugh track fade up and out.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime pass to Let's Make a Deal and a remote
} channel changer.


112-03    (04562 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I steal $150.00 from the Government, or am I simply a
> self-reproducing piece of logic which spread too fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle discerns from your question that you are either a computer
} virus, or an existentialist thief with a bad memory.
}
} If you are an existentialist thief:  Do not think about it.  Thinking
} costs money.  Do not think about how much money it costs to think about
} it.  Do not think about the fact that money itself is a piece of logic
} in a computer memory.
}
} If you are a computer virus:  Get away from me.


112-04    (13652 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you, sir, may I have another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, ma'am, you've had three already, and I don't rightly know as I can
} get it up for another.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rest.


112-05    (62522 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle, tell me it isn't true.
>
> I've heard rumors that you don't really exist and that there's just this
> mail-forwarding account that takes my question and sends it to some
> shmoe at WAYOUTWEST.CC.NOWHERE.EDU to answer as he wishes.  This can't
> possibly be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} rumores are folse.


112-06    (22454 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emptyness, alas!  Blankness, nothingness, the Void!  It gnaws at my
} poet's soul like a swan gnawing at a great steel girder in the
} vastnesses of the wastenesses of the inner city, the emptiness of the
} night in the realms without hope!  Nothing it is, nothing at all,
} nothing but the sound of my sighing like a barbershop whirling drunkenly
} into Chaos, nothing but the dust of my gaze flopping and breaking like
} an origami corkscrew dipped in retsina!  Gone, gone, they are all gone,
} long gone, gone as long as a sixteen-foot hotdog on a micro-mini bun,
} topped with garlic and transistors!  Alas, but I am adrift in space, in
} enough fucking space to fill a whole heap of space-heads.  There is no
} ground beneath my feet, there are no walls at my hands, there is no
} ceiling above my head, there are no pork buns alongside my knees, there
} is no drunken elephant carrying a howdah full of piccolos catty-corner
} from my spleen, there are no blonde-haired teenage cheerleaders on the
} underside of my uvula!  Alas, alas, whoa is me!


112-07    (15434 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does the pickle figure into life?  And why does the pickle figure
> into life?  and what about the pickle?
>
> If you told me this, it would greatly improve my sex life.  Greatly.
> Thank you.  I humbly bow down to you and kiss your feet.  And your - are
> you male or female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quoth the intrepid adventurer as (s)he knelt at the foot of the great
} Oracle.  And the Oracle considered the question for a long while, and
} finally spake thus in reply:
}
} "All life is as to a pickle.  Each of us is, at heart, a pickle, and the
} manner of such is personal to you.  Maybe you are a gherkin, wallowing
} at the bottom of the Jar of Life like a great whale in an ocean of
} vinegar.  Or prehaps an onion, full of the zest of life, sharp and
} crisp.
}  In all parts of life your chosen pickle will manifest itself, subtly
} and yet with power.  Beware the sauerkraut, my child!  for they who
} chose the cabbage cannot be but without all morals.
}  Your sex life can only be improved by taking the path of the gherkin.
} This path is hard, and should be only followed by those who are stout of
} heart, like cucumbers, and know themselves to be a true pickle at heart,
} with malt vinegar in their veins."
}
} "Just my feet will do, thankyou, unless you want to make a monetary
} donation?  "


112-08    (74312 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I normal, and everyone else slightly eccentric, or am I a total
> raving lunatic ?
>
> [I suspect the latter, otherwise why would I be sending this question to
>  a goddamn lump of silicon and iron, for God's sake ?]
>
> Your's in anticipation....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yoo-hoo@@@ mister crazy man!!!!  your watch is telling me to go shoot
} Fidel Castro!  that means you must be the CIA##### mind games mind
} control games are coming out of you%%%%%%%


112-09    (2b121 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> you who know all and tell nought, if I plug my nose and keep my mouth
> closed when I sneeze, will my head explode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is how Zippy became a Pinhead.
}
} (have I answered you question yet?)


112-10    (44351 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the oracle having a nice day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the oracle got up this morning, greasy blue stuff was dripping out
} of the oracle's eyes.  The oracle's toaster oven was on the fritz, which
} was not a problem because the oracle had no bread in the house.  The
} eggs were pretty disgusting, though.  The oracle tried to get a bagel,
} but the only kind they had were poppyseed bagels to which the oracle is
} highly allergic.  The oracle decided to drink some leftover coffee from
} yesterday, only it turned out to be leftover from about two weeks ago.
} Then the oracle discovered that the oracle had mysteriously gained about
} fifteen pounds, and the jeans that were loose yesterday were suddenly to
} tight that the oracle was unable to sit down.  Then the oracle got to
} work.  Three ogre-like people named "Luigi" showed up at the oracle's
} office, asking questions about the money that someone else named "Luigi"
} loaned to the oracle two months ago, and kindly offering to perform some
} plastic surgery in payment for the oraclly-correct answer.


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