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Internet Oracularities #1122

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Internet Oracularities #1122    (69 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 08:21:52 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1122
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1122  69 votes 6klh5 8kt93 6epdb 2fsj5 69kmc 8etf3 16kse 37hph 7diid 9jjl1
1122  3.2 mean  2.9   2.7   3.1   3.1   3.4   2.9   3.7   3.7   3.2   2.8


1122-01    (6klh5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need bigger numbers for my bank account.  Please put some in.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, no problem. I'll even do them in nice red ink for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle your house, car, furniture, and the clothes off your
} back.


1122-02    (8kt93 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose musical knowledge is taller than the highest
> mountain, wider than the widest ocean, and deeper than this hole I dug
> in my backyard, do tell me:
>
> Why is it that I can never come up with a good tune for a song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Holy smokes Sting! Isn't it a little late to start worrying about
} that?
}
} You owe the Oracle a tribute in a bottle.


1122-03    (6epdb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this noise I am hearing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some people live lives of quiet desperation. Yours makes a pathetic
} whining sound.
}
} You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet.


1122-04    (2fsj5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great, and mighty oracle, who doesn't in the least reak of brake
> fluid, nor reak of oil, or transmision fluid...not in the least.  Who
> can answer any question without much though, who knows all thier is to
> know, and a lot that he would probably be better off knowing.  Who Has
> solved the value of PI to 329999999 decmal places in his head.  Who
> knows why The sky is blue, who knows how to make an engine that
> doesn't require gasoline.  Who also knows why I'm going on so long
> about how great he is...since he already knows how great he is.
>
> Ok, now down to the question.
>
> I'm a nice guy, but I have been having a bit of bad luck with the
> ladies.  I work hard (wear a badge), drive a truck, and play with
> computers...you should know all this.  Heck, I even speak a couple
> diffrent languages...
>
> And, then, we come to my two best friends.  One is 21, and male, then
> the other one is 15, and female...odd combonation I'll admit.
>
> Why, or why can't I find a girlfriend?
>
> Oh, and just to make it simple, what kind of girl should I be lookning
> for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A nice guy like you should have no trouble in finding a
} girlfriend. Let's see now, what kind of girl should you look
} for... Ah, I have it. You need a girl who will listen closely to
} every word you say, and who will never interrupt you when you're
} complaining about your life or telling her how wonderful she is. You
} need a girl who won't object to being covered in brake fluid or
} engine oil. And, most of all, you need a girl who won't criticize your
} spelling.
}
} Here's a suggestion on where to find such a dream girl: go to the
} nearest department store and saunter over to the ladies' apparel
} section. Watch the women who are there. Some will be carrying
} packages--avoid them, they spend too much money. Some will be leading
} small children--avoid them, they're too busy. Some will simply be
} browsing--avoid them, they're too indecisive.
}
} Look for a girl who stands in the same place without moving for hours
} at a time, preferably one standing on a pedestal. Approach this girl,
} and strike up a conversation with her. If she moves or says anything
} in the first 12 hours of your monologue, forget it, she's not the
} right one for you. Otherwise, you should get to know her better. Don't
} worry that she seems very stiff and formal, or that her eyes never
} seem to blink.
}
} Go to visit her every day. Bring her flowers--girls love flowers. Take
} your banjo to the store with you sometimes and serende her. Get a
} handcart and take her on moonlit strolls to the food court. Take her
} to see a movie, and don't feel ashamed to cry during the sad
} parts. After you've been seeing her for a year, you should buy her an
} anniverary present, like maybe a grease gun or a monkey wrench.
}
} I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
}
} You owe the Oracle Pygmalion's lab notebook.


1122-05    (69kmc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great oracle, who knows
> the answer to everything.
> Who has helped me greatly,
> and in ways that I will never
> fully understand.  I thank you
> for the help you have given
> me in the pas.  For I am just a
> worthless mortal, not truely
> worth even bothering you with
> my question, but I realy need
> the help, and am  drawing at
> straws here.
>
> Ok, well, just to say thanks
> again,for the help with turning
> the grovel mode back on on
> my PalmPilot....Much nicer...
> except when I send mail to
> friends/family...they get a bit
> confused by the groveling in
> every letter.
>
> Oh, and sorry to make you
> blush, when I asked my last
> question.  But, I realy need so
> me help here.
>
> To get a girlfrined, what
> should  do?  As of right now, I
> work, sit on the inetnet, and
> hang out at the local  coffee
> house (note the average age
> there is about 60(I'm 21)).
>
> Thanks for the help,
> You know me :)
>
> P.S.,
> Please excuse the fact that
> this letter is formated for an
> apple IIe, I'm on a PalmPilot!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, I want to thank
} you for finally raising the standard
} to a IIe, instead of just a II+.  I
} was really getting tired of ALL CAPS
} questions.
}
} Anyway, about the girls...  You really
} need to get a bigger computer.  Girls
} pretend not to care, but when you're not
} looking, they *swoon* over hot-rodded
} cars, computers, and stereo systems.
}
} Keep that PalmPilot out of their
} sight.  Instead, get a computer in a
} large tower case.  Maybe even get one
} of those keyboard-only Amiga models,
} and do a tower *conversion* on it.  And
} even after you've got a tower, you still
} want to have many external peripherals
} in seperate cases, hanging on a long
} (but properly terminated) SCSI chain.
} Plug them all into a big powerstrip or
} UPS, so that when you hit the switch,
} the overhead lights briefly flicker and
} the sound of all the fans and hard disks
} spinning up sounds like a jet engine
} starting.  Chicks totally dig this, and
} their knees go weak and they'll sink
} into your arms when they hear the white
} noise of the rushing air, and feel the
} warm draft eminating from all the
} equipment.  It's one of the most
} romantic things they ever get to
} experience with That Special Someone.
}
} The computer _must_ be overclocked.  I
} cannot stress this enough.  Your
} computer's clock speed is probably the
} first thing that most women will want
} to know about you, and they'll also
} judge you based on how high that speed
} is compared to the rating of the
} components.  As a bonus, overclocking
} necessitates extra cooling, and the
} extra Peltier coolers and fans will
} only add to the aforementioned soft
} fan noise, further driving them into
} uninhibited passion.
}
} Now you should see that a PalmPilot is
} the antithesis of what is needed to
} attract a girlfriend, and you certainly
} don't ever want to be caught using one
} when she's around.  Whenever you see a
} loner bachelor guy, you'll know:
} there's a guy who uses his Palm.


1122-06    (8etf3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose level headedness is the envy of millions: whose
> sheer force of mental well being makes Pope John Paul look like
> Gilbert Godfried, do tell me:
>
> Am I insane?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} N , n , supplicant. Y u have n thing t  w rry ab ut. Y u've sh wn n
} signs f insanity s  far: hallucinati ns, talking t  y urself, mem ry
} l ss, inability t  read certain w rds  r letters.. I'd say the  ld
} mental health pr gn sis l  ks g  d!
}
} Y u  we the  racle a c mfy jacket with nice l ng arms


1122-07    (16kse dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gross Orakel I am of german Language and not speak to good englisch.
> Please tell where I a german Orakel can find.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no - that's no good at all. You should have said "I can the
} Englisch not so good speaking". Look, if you want to be gratuitously
} offensive to people of other nationalities, you've got to at least
} get the basic speech patterns right. Otherwise you're making it much
} too hard for them to realise they're the target of your hilarious
} caricatures, see? Now, repeat after me:
}
}    "Mama mia, tell-a to me where I find-a Oraculo Italiano because-a
}    mi eenglese she'sa notso good."
}
}    "Orahcle, mon petty cabbage, disclose me if you please ze location
}    of ze grand Orahcle francophone so zat I once more can pretend I
}    do not 'ave ze anglais - pah! - I spit on it."
}
}    "Eh muchacho, you tell to me where ees the Oraculo Mexicano pretty
}    queeck, or my friend 'e sleet your throat. Comprende, hombre? Ha
}    ha ha ha ha."
}
}    "So solly, Olacre-san, prease be so good as to be terring me where
}    honolable Japanese Olacre, so I may no ronger rose face legarding
}    my shamefurry inadequate glasp of Engrish."
}
}    "Oy, schlemozel Oracle, where am I finding a kosher Yiddish Oracle
}    already? Do I look like I want to be asking questions of a goy?"
}
} Right, that ought to do it. And if one of those doesn't induce somebody
} to punch your lights out, come back to me and we'll try out a few more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proper English English incarnation, not one of
} these semi-civilised, below-the-salt New World colonial Johnnies,
} what?


1122-08    (37hph dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is there a god? (other than you, oh great one)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a god? Any god? Like Kev the god of toilets on French campsites,
} would he do?
}
} Of course not, because that's not really what you want to know, is it?
} I wish you mortals would learn to formulate your questions properly.
} What you meant to ask is: is the Big Guy up in the sky for real and,
} if so, why doesn't he just let us know instead of leaving us guessing
} like this, right? Well, why don't we ask him?
}
} <peep> <peep> <poop> <poop> <peep> <poop>
}
} Why, I haven't phoned old Jehovah in ages. I used to all the time
} back when I started in '89, but I was a lot less sure of myself in
} those days...
}
} "Heavenly switchboard. Which number, please?"
}
} Number one, thank you.
}
} "It's ringing for you."
}
} But then I got to thinking that most of you supplicants weren't after
} enlightenment anyway, you just wanted me to come up with a few jokes
} to momentarily brighten up your humdrum existence. So, what with one
} thing and another - Jehovah not being much of a gag merchant, as you
} would know if you've ever read the bible...
}
} "Hello, Orrie. Long time no speak."
}
} Oh, hi J. I would ask how things are with you but, being omniscient,
} I already know.
}
} "Just as I know, being similarly endowed, how you are getting on with
} the delightful Lisa."
}
} Right. Moving swiftly on...
}
} "Specifically, your little mishap last night."
}
} Yes, well, a lot of people wouldn't have called that premature. But
} let's not waste time with idle chit-chat. You know what I'm calling
} about, of course.
}
} "Of course. Just as you know how I'm going to reply."
}
} You reply, firstly, that you've no intention of doing a Hitch-Hiker's
} Guide type routine about proof denying faith and your being nothing
} without faith because without a babelfish you'd be stuck for a
} punchline, and secondly...
}
} "And secondly, that it's a load of baloney anyway. I used to go around
} proving I existed all the time - global floods here, pillars of fire
} there - and where did it get me? The moment my back was turned, they'd
} all rush off to worship Ashtaroth. What's that bitch got that I
} haven't?"
}
} A couple of prominent things spring to mind...
}
} "Exactly! Once mortals have proof of the existence of one god, they
} naturally conclude there are more. And then they have a choice! They
} can worship whoever takes their fancy. Don't like god A's afterlife
} package? Then choose god B's: you only have to be good most of the
} time to get into the Elysian fields, which are almost as good as
} heaven. Or how about god C? Just do two good things your whole life and
} spend no more than 200 years in purgatory."
}
} And for god D you can be a total scumbag but still reap the full
} benefits when your policy matures as long as you've kept up the human
} sacrifice payments.
}
} "You can't leave the fate of people's eternal souls to be determined
} by competition and market forces. We're not in the 80s anymore."
}
} So, by refusing to prove any of you exist, you gods keep the mortals
} in a state of continual uncertainty.
}
} "The little beggars have got to be as good as they possibly can, in
} case the god that determines their fate turns out to be the one with
} the least tolerant views on human failings."
}
} And while they're working themselves up into a lather worrying about
} whether what they're doing is pleasing in the sight of this god, the
} last thing they want to think about is whether there are further gods
} who have a say in the matter, who might disapprove of their efforts
} to appease the first one.
}
} "Hence the predominance of monotheistic religion. Pretty slick, huh?"
}
} As long as nobody breaks ranks and proves the existence of any of you.
}
} "Correct, and... What are you saying? Orrie, you didn't!"
}
} Er... I'm afraid I sort of unintentionally, well, that is to say...
}
} "Who?"
}
} I, um, I happened to, like, slightly mention Kev the god of toilets
} on French campsites before I called you.
}
} "Kev the god of... You idiot! Couldn't you at least have spilled the
} beans on somebody with a bit of gravitas, like Thor or Kali?"
}
} Well, Kev can be pretty important in his own way. I mean, if the
} supplicant ever went camping in France...
}
} "Imbecile! Don't you see what you've done? Your benighted supplicant
} is going run off and become the first prophet of the new scatological
} religion of the almighty Kev. Soon pilgrims will be flocking to
} campsites in the Dordogne and the Loire valley to abase themselves
} before the sanitary facilities. Garlic-munching lavatory attendants
} will be the high priests of a new global theocracy as 2000 years of
} careful divine planning get flushed down the pan. And it's all your
} fault!"
}
} This is worse than when I suggested to Judas how he could earn himself
} a few pieces of silver, isn't it?
}
} "Yes!"
}
} So a humbly I'm sorry won't cover it?
}
} "No!"
}
} Human sacrifice?
}
} "At least one."
}
} Okay, I'll start with this here supplicant. Just let me warm up the
} old ZOT ray...


1122-09    (7diid dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Do you have any pre-ban magazines you'd care to part with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (AP) News Wire - Oct 23, 1999
} GUNMAN OPENS FIRE IN DEPARTMENT STORE, INJURES SELF
} ---------------------------------------------------
} A lone gunman brandishing several automatic weapons and a handgun
} opened fire in a Fort Wayne, Indiana department store Friday, injuring
} himself but otherwise harming no one, police said.
}
} The gunman, identified as Russell Wayne Loonson, 46, allegedly walked
} into a crowded Macy's(R) department store carrying at least half a
} dozen outlawed, or "pre-ban", automatic and semiautomatic weapons. He
} immediately attempted to open fire on the crowd, only to discover that
} the magazines he was carrying were all empty.
}
} "By the time he went through all the cartridges the store was pretty
} much empty," said police spokesman Donald D. Dobson through marginally
} stifled fits of laughter. "I don't know what he was thinking, or
} perhaps, wasn't thinking," he added.
}
} Loonson then allegedly pulled out a low caliber handgun and fired a
} single round, which ricocheted off of a metal shelf and skimmed across
} his lower leg. He was then easily apprehended and charged with
} attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and "incomprehensible
} stupidity."
}
} Witnesses say that Loonson had been in the store several days
} earlier, and was observed arguing with several employees over the
} store's lack of the Pokemon(R) trading cards he desired. One witness
} allegedly overheard him repeatedly shouting, "What do you mean you
} don't have the Poliwanker card? I want the Poliwanker card! I want
} Poliwanker!" before bursting into tears and vandalizing the store's
} entire Pokemon(R) collection.
}
} Loonson was then allegedly forced out of the store by security guards.
} "We didn't report him to the police", said one guard, "as this was a
} relative minor case of Pokemon(R) mania. I mean, you should've seen
} what that one 6-year-old did last August. It makes this incident, I
} mean, the shooting, look relatively minor."
}
} (AP) News Wire - Oct 25, 1999
} LAWSUITS FILED IN WAKE OF FORT WAYNE SHOOTING
} ---------------------------------------------
} At least a dozen lawsuits have been filed in the less than three days
} after the tragic Fort Wayne, Indiana shooting that shocked the nation
} Friday.
}
} Topping the list was a lawsuit filed jointly by the Christian
} Coalition and the American Civil Liberties Union seeking an
} unprecedented $400 million in damages from Nintendo, Inc., the creator
} of the Pokemon(R) cards which reportedly sparked the incident.
}
} While it is unclear why the Christian Coalition is suing, due to the
} incomprehensible Southern drawl used by their spokesman today, the
} ACLU has said, "Yes, they have every right to make the cards. And
} yes, outlawing them would be unconstitutional. But we're just as sick
} and [expletive deleted] tired of hearing about these [expletive
} deleted] things as anyone else, so let's just screw the constitution
} for once!"
}
} Several pro-choice, pro-life, and cynic's organizations are also suing
} Loonson's parents, for "ever allowing him to be born." Additionally,
} the National Foundation to Stop People From Capitalizing on Tragedies
} is suing several random large companies "because we feel like it."
}
} The Spotted Owl Foundation, American Dental Association, American Bar
} Association, and the Judean People's Front are also reportedly
} considering lawsuits, on the grounds that "Hey, this is America."
}
} (AP) News Wire - Oct 26, 1999
} FORT WAYNE GUNMAN SUES GUN MANUFACTURERS, ORACLE
} ------------------------------------------------
} In an unprecedented legal event following the horrifying Fort Wayne,
} Indiana massacre that shocked the world Friday, the gunman, Russell
} Wayne Loonson, has filed a lawsuit against the manufacturers of the
} weapons used in the shooting.
}
} In the suit, Loonson claims that the manufacturers exhibited "gross
} negligence" in failing warn him that empty magazines do not allow a
} weapon to fire properly. He claims that as a direct result of this,
} he suffered Severe Mental Anguish during his arrest, and is seeking
} $900 million in damages.
}
} He is also suing Oracle, Inc., which he claims sold him the empty
} cartridges used in the attack. "Huh?" said a spokesman for Oracle
} earlier today, "We've never even seen this guy before. Then again,
} after working in the computer industry for as long as I have, all the
} morons tend to blend together after a while."
}
} A member of the National Association of Idiotic Pundits Who Appear on
} CNN After a Major News Event offered several comments. "Gun Makers
} are big and evil, so they need to be stopped," she said, "And Oracle
} invented the Internet, which allows child molesters to roam free and
} victimize our children. So, yes, they need to be sued."
}
} President Clinton also made several remarks about the shooting earlier
} today. "I believe that this tragedy shows that we, the American
} people, need to put aside our differences, so that we can reach out to
} one another, and rebuild -- uh, oops, wait, that was my Hurricane
} Floyd speech. Hold on a second...", he said.
}
} (AP) News Wire - Oct 27, 1999
} FORT WAYNE GUNMAN OWES ORACLE A PRE-BAN NEWSPAPER


1122-10    (9jjl1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why and wherefore?  And for that matter, how?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Professor Peacock, in the conservatory, with the candlestick.
}
} Why is still a mystery.


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