} (AP) News Wire - Oct 23, 1999
} GUNMAN OPENS FIRE IN DEPARTMENT STORE, INJURES SELF
} A lone gunman brandishing several automatic weapons and a handgun
} opened fire in a Fort Wayne, Indiana department store Friday, injuring
} himself but otherwise harming no one, police said.
} The gunman, identified as Russell Wayne Loonson, 46, allegedly walked
} into a crowded Macy's(R) department store carrying at least half a
} dozen outlawed, or "pre-ban", automatic and semiautomatic weapons. He
} immediately attempted to open fire on the crowd, only to discover that
} the magazines he was carrying were all empty.
} "By the time he went through all the cartridges the store was pretty
} much empty," said police spokesman Donald D. Dobson through marginally
} stifled fits of laughter. "I don't know what he was thinking, or
} perhaps, wasn't thinking," he added.
} Loonson then allegedly pulled out a low caliber handgun and fired a
} single round, which ricocheted off of a metal shelf and skimmed across
} his lower leg. He was then easily apprehended and charged with
} attempted murder, reckless endangerment, and "incomprehensible
} Witnesses say that Loonson had been in the store several days
} earlier, and was observed arguing with several employees over the
} store's lack of the Pokemon(R) trading cards he desired. One witness
} allegedly overheard him repeatedly shouting, "What do you mean you
} don't have the Poliwanker card? I want the Poliwanker card! I want
} Poliwanker!" before bursting into tears and vandalizing the store's
} entire Pokemon(R) collection.
} Loonson was then allegedly forced out of the store by security guards.
} "We didn't report him to the police", said one guard, "as this was a
} relative minor case of Pokemon(R) mania. I mean, you should've seen
} what that one 6-year-old did last August. It makes this incident, I
} mean, the shooting, look relatively minor."
} (AP) News Wire - Oct 25, 1999
} LAWSUITS FILED IN WAKE OF FORT WAYNE SHOOTING
} At least a dozen lawsuits have been filed in the less than three days
} after the tragic Fort Wayne, Indiana shooting that shocked the nation
} Topping the list was a lawsuit filed jointly by the Christian
} Coalition and the American Civil Liberties Union seeking an
} unprecedented $400 million in damages from Nintendo, Inc., the creator
} of the Pokemon(R) cards which reportedly sparked the incident.
} While it is unclear why the Christian Coalition is suing, due to the
} incomprehensible Southern drawl used by their spokesman today, the
} ACLU has said, "Yes, they have every right to make the cards. And
} yes, outlawing them would be unconstitutional. But we're just as sick
} and [expletive deleted] tired of hearing about these [expletive
} deleted] things as anyone else, so let's just screw the constitution
} for once!"
} Several pro-choice, pro-life, and cynic's organizations are also suing
} Loonson's parents, for "ever allowing him to be born." Additionally,
} the National Foundation to Stop People From Capitalizing on Tragedies
} is suing several random large companies "because we feel like it."
} The Spotted Owl Foundation, American Dental Association, American Bar
} Association, and the Judean People's Front are also reportedly
} considering lawsuits, on the grounds that "Hey, this is America."
} (AP) News Wire - Oct 26, 1999
} FORT WAYNE GUNMAN SUES GUN MANUFACTURERS, ORACLE
} In an unprecedented legal event following the horrifying Fort Wayne,
} Indiana massacre that shocked the world Friday, the gunman, Russell
} Wayne Loonson, has filed a lawsuit against the manufacturers of the
} weapons used in the shooting.
} In the suit, Loonson claims that the manufacturers exhibited "gross
} negligence" in failing warn him that empty magazines do not allow a
} weapon to fire properly. He claims that as a direct result of this,
} he suffered Severe Mental Anguish during his arrest, and is seeking
} $900 million in damages.
} He is also suing Oracle, Inc., which he claims sold him the empty
} cartridges used in the attack. "Huh?" said a spokesman for Oracle
} earlier today, "We've never even seen this guy before. Then again,
} after working in the computer industry for as long as I have, all the
} morons tend to blend together after a while."
} A member of the National Association of Idiotic Pundits Who Appear on
} CNN After a Major News Event offered several comments. "Gun Makers
} are big and evil, so they need to be stopped," she said, "And Oracle
} invented the Internet, which allows child molesters to roam free and
} victimize our children. So, yes, they need to be sued."
} President Clinton also made several remarks about the shooting earlier
} today. "I believe that this tragedy shows that we, the American
} people, need to put aside our differences, so that we can reach out to
} one another, and rebuild -- uh, oops, wait, that was my Hurricane
} Floyd speech. Hold on a second...", he said.
} (AP) News Wire - Oct 27, 1999
} FORT WAYNE GUNMAN OWES ORACLE A PRE-BAN NEWSPAPER