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Internet Oracularities #1123

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Internet Oracularities #1123    (74 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 15:57:12 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1123
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1123  74 votes 27vs6 5gCd2 5brjc apmd4 4cxk5 2dpgi 9qpa4 1jsga 7ftk3 gjmd4
1123  3.0 mean  3.4   2.9   3.3   2.7   3.1   3.5   2.6   3.2   3.0   2.6


1123-01    (27vs6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Benevolent in temperament is the Oracle,
>
> Why are there still trees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There aren't.  What a ridiculous question.  Everybody knows stills
} don't grow on trees.  They mutate from abandoned car radiators.
}
} Oh, wait, my apologies.  You meant why are the trees not moving around.
} What a silly language this is.
}
} First and foremost, the trees are still because they don't have legs.
} If they did, you can bet your bottom dollar they wouldn't stand still.
} They'd be running as fast as they could away from every axe, bulldozer,
} and chain saw that they could see.  Assuming they could see at all,
} that is.
}
} But as you have probably observed, it is still possible for trees to
} move, even in the absence of locomotive appendages.  Take a look
} outside during the next thunderstorm, if you don't believe me.  This
} form of motion requires some external motive force, for instance a
} strong breeze or a hyperactive squirrel.  Which leads to the answer you
} were truly looking for:
}
} There isn't any wind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a textbook on parsing ambiguous grammars.


1123-02    (5gCd2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bounteous Oracle, whose knowledge spans every possible dimension,
> whose wisdom is a never-ending cornucopia of aphoristic delight,
> who could probably even get the MIT graduate admissions office to
> acknowledge his existence if he really tried, please aid your loyal
> supplicant in his hour of need.
>
> My dissertation is due in early next week, and so far I've written
> approximately 1/5 of it (and I'm not entirely happy with that). WHAT
> THE %("&$^"! AM I GOING TO DO????? AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
>
> ... no... no, it's OK now. I'm calm. Phew. No, that's not my question.
> My question is this: I've got a nagging feeling that I left something
> important out of Chapter 2. Is there anything else I should add before
> I send it in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About 500 dollars in small, used bills.  Works wonders.
}
} You owe the Oracle another $100, preferably in fives and tens.


1123-03    (5brjc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell was THAT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A pronoun.


1123-04    (apmd4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> pikebubbles?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you pour lye onto it, salt it and boil it, -it most certainly does.
} It becomes a greasy, fishy, viscous ooze resembling a bowl of
} putrified snot.  But I think you've made a small technical error,
} --Lutefisk is *usually* made with cod.


1123-05    (4cxk5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose wisdom eclipses the total
> accumulated knowledge of humankind, please tell me...
>
> What warranty do you provide with your answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         * * *   O R A C U L A R   W A R R A N T E E   * * *
}
} All answers that you receive from The Internet Oracle are guaranteed to
} be true and free from defects for a period of one hundred years.  For
} questions that have already been asked by other supplicants, the period
} starts when the question was originally asked.  There is no exclusion
} for marmotiferous questions, but the supplicant should be ready to duck,
} and should understand that the original question about marmota monax was
} first asked over 100 years ago.
}
} In the event that an answer proves defective or false, the supplicant is
} entitled to receive DOUBLE HIS OR HER MONEY BACK.  Poof of payment is
} required.  In the event of a dispute, The Internet Oracle shall be the
} sole judge of the correctness of answers and of all financial
} arrangements.
}
} You owe the Oracle $100 for each answer you have received over the past
} 100 years.  Pay up!  Send payments IN CASH to The Internet Oracle, c/o
} Steve Kinzler, ATTENTION NIGHT-TIME JANITORIAL SERVICE, Mathematics
} Building, Indiana State University.


1123-06    (2dpgi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The outlook wasn't brilliant for the IU nine that day;
> The score stood four to two with but one inning more to play.
> And when Kinzler died at first, and Lisa did the same,
> A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
>
> A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
> Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
> They thought if only Orrie could but get a whack at that--
> We'd put up even money now with Orrie at the bat.
>
> But Og preceded Orrie, as did also Zadoc Worm,
> And the former was a caveman and the latter was a germ;
> So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
> For there seemed but little chance of Orrie's getting to the bat.
>
> But Og clubbed out a single, getting seeds on all his suit,
> And Zadoc, much despis-ed, smacked the fur off of the fruit;
> And when the kiwi juice settled, and we saw what had occured,
> There was Zadoc safe at second and Og a-hugging third.
>
> Then from 5,000 nodes and more there rose a lusty yell;
> It rumbled through the Usenet, it rattled in the Dell;
> It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
> For Orrie, mighty Orrie, was advancing to the bat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was ease in Orrie's manner as he raised his mighty staff;
} Omniscience in Orrie's bearing, and from Orrie's throat, a laugh.
} And when, responding to the cheers, he said, "You all sound flat,"
} No fighting fish could doubt that it was Orrie at the bat.
}
} Ten thousand eyes were on him as he got his shirt a-tuck;
} Five thousand tongues dared not say the forbidden word "woodchuck."
} Then while the Purdue pitcher ground the fruit with hidden file,
} Orrie's eyes grew full of hate, yet on his face, a smile.
}
} And now the Chinese gooseberry came hurtling through the air,
} And Orrie stood a-watching it, trying to comb his hair.
} Knowing just what would happen, he watched it as it sped --
} "Foul behind third," said Orrie.  "Strike one," the umpire said.
}
} From mail servers and from Usenet, the mood got rather dark,
} With frowns made up of nearly every punctuation mark.
} "K1LL H1M!!!!!!!!!! K1LL THE UMP1RE!!!!!!!!!" said someone on WebTV;
} And they would have killed him had they not crashed mysteriously.
}
} Orrie looked out upon the crowd and sadly shook his head;
} Which stilled the rising tumult, causing voices to stop dead.
} He yelled back at the pitcher, "Here's a knuckleball from you";
} And just as Orrie had foreseen, the umpire said, "Strike two."
}
} "FRAUD!!!!!!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo said, "me
} too"; But the FAQ upon the scoreboard made the "bies" somewhat less
} "new." The audience saw Orrie snarl, his teeth begin to grit,
} And they knew that Orrie predicted this time, he'd get a hit.
}
} The smile is gone, but still his brain holds knowledge without bound;
} RealVideo goes dark without a picture or a sound.
} And now only those at the game can see the fruit take flight,
} And now only those at the game see Orrie's blinding light.
}
} Oh, somewhere newsgroup posts resound with humor and with wit;
} Somewhere people transcribe every Monty Python bit,
} Somewhere minds just come alive with comic genius thought,
} But there is no joy at IU--'twas an accidental zot.


1123-07    (9qpa4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this a Douglas Hofstadter reference posing as a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. A Douglas Hofstadter reference looks something like this:
}
}       [Hofstadter 1982a]
}
} You owe The Oracle the name of a library which stocks The International
} Journal of Zot Supplicant Studies.


1123-08    (1jsga dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who is so large and great he can measure
> intergalactic distances with his...you know...can you tell me
> something?
>
> How near is the farthest star from earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if my suggestion had been followed, the answer would be
} approximately 800 million miles. Unfortunately, they did _not_ strap
} Michael Jackson to Voyager I, however.
}
} This leaves Jim Morrison, at 238,000 miles, as the winner. He's in the
} trunk of the lunar rover that went up with Apollo 17, and remains in
} Taurus-Littrow to this day. Long story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pulsar NX.


1123-09    (7ftk3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most marvelous Oracle, who can change life at his whim and
> laugh at us biologists doing itthe hard way, please answer this
> scientific query.
>
>       Why won't my cells grow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boris, a smart fellow like you, you shouldn't have to ask me that.
} The world's changed, hasn't it? There was a time - even as little
} as 10 years ago - you could recruit any number of young, left wing
} idealists to your cells with the promise of global revolution and
} the ultimate victory of the proletariat. But what have you got to
} offer now? Just another second-rate power with a ramshackle economy,
} hand-me-down capitalist policies and the opportunity to queue 36
} hours for 2 kilos of beetroot. They're hardly going to come flocking
} like bees to honey, are they?
}
} And without ideology, what other forms of persuasion can you turn
} to? Money? Hah! You've already spent all of this year's subversion
} budget on a new fan belt for the Lada. Sex? Blackmail? Perhaps
} you're forgetting Natasha defected to go and work in a casino in
} Carson City. Ah, that woman was the Garbo of the incriminating
} photograph! The uses she could dream up for some fishnet stockings,
} a tub of Vaseline, 3 tins of beluga caviar and a Polaroid camera...
} But I digress. As for your idea of a replacement - Comrade Stanley
} in the wig - you ought to know by now that trick never works.
}
} You owe the Orac... What? So now you want to ask a biology question?
} I'm sorry, Boris, but the rule is one supplication at a time. There
} are other people waiting, you know. So get to the back of the queue
} and wait till your turn comes up again. Anyway, we haven't got any
} beetroot today.


1123-10    (gjmd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I don't follow your point.


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