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Internet Oracularities #1124

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Internet Oracularities #1124    (81 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 10:37:16 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1124
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1124  81 votes 37msl 7wpc5 6pse8 1pHb1 2hetj 57tua 4gwja 98gwg 25rsj 2oro4
1124  3.3 mean  3.7   2.7   2.9   2.8   3.6   3.4   3.2   3.5   3.7   3.0


1124-01    (37msl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, the air you pass though is smarter than it was before
> you touched it, the ground you trod on becomes wiser for your foot's
> touch. . .likewise enlighten us mortals please, I beseech you,
>
> What is in your wastebasket right now at this very second?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Godawful puns and rhetorical questions,
} Pathetic complaints about lack of digestions,
} Queries that pry into my lover's flings,
} These are a few of my thrown away things.
}
} Neanderthal grammar and brain-damaged grovels,
} Tiresome parodies longer than novels,
} Marmots and lemurs and jokes about strings,
} These are a few of my thrown away things.
}
} When the queue's full,
} When I'd rather sing,
} When I'm feeling rash,
} I simply go find all of the above things.
} And I chuck them in the trash!
}
} Ripoffs of Python and Douglas N. Adams,
} Forwarded spamminngs for HOT SEXY "madams",
} MIMEified MIDI attachments that "ding",
} These are a few of my thrown away things.
}
} Merkins who still care why Clinton has cheated,
} Programming students who ask for [deleted],
} Juno-ers spewing the taglines that clinnnnng,
} These are a few of my thrown away thiiiinnnnnnnnngs!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Sound of Hotmail".


1124-02    (7wpc5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't say.
} You owe the Oracle the proper definition of the null set.


1124-03    (6pse8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is most digitally appealing yet non-geeky.
>
> Who created usenet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Al Gore.
}
} Al Gore also invented the following:
}
} * Self slicing bread
} * Portable styrofoam hammocks
} * Laser guided light bulbs
} * Tin foil hat repellent
} * Reusable teeth
} * 24 hour see-through pads
} * Orange Limeade
} * The State of Wisconsin
} * Brian's Song
} * Algebra homework
} * Leashes for ill salamanders
} * The word "underground"
}
} You the Oracle a well hugged tree.


1124-04    (1pHb1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magificient, omniscient and wise one...
>
> I'm trying to do a jigsaw puzzle, but it's not working out very well.
> Am I missing some pieces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without a doubt.  But your puzzle is fine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 500-piece Caribbean seashore puzzle and a
} Margarita.


1124-05    (2hetj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou who can remember all details of all in-joke
> characters, including the number of times they have died, and how they
> managed to continue on.
>
> Orrie, I've heard a theory that as the number of in-joke characters in
> a humour system increases linearly, the gravitational pull exerted by
> these in-joke characters increases exponentially, and eventually will
> create such a gravitational pull, that light itself will be unable to
> break out, and a 'black hole' will be created.
>
> How many more in-joke characters concerning the Internet Oracle need to
> be created before this situation is reached?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,                  I believe if you look
}          carefully,            you will be
}               able to        discern
}                    the      fact
}                      th    at
}                       th  is
}                        h  a
}                        s  a
}                        l  r
}                         ea
}                         dy
}                         ha
}                         pp
}                          e
}                          n
}                          e
}                          d
}                          .


1124-06    (57tua dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My cat is almost two years old, and he frantically keeps trying to suck
> my clothes as if they where his mother's breast. My veterinary told me
> a year and a half ago that those simptoms where normal and that they
> would stop when the cat reached one year old. Clearly, he was wrong, or
> my cat isn't normal.
> What can I do to make him stop with that annoying trauma?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aww, a cute little kitty story. Well, kitties are very playful
} as you well know by now, so the best thing to do whenever it
} wants to suckle, is to distract it with something to play with.
}
} A favorite toy for kitties is a ball of yarn. They will stop
} whatever they are doing at the moment to chase one of those all
} around the house. You must prepare a special yarn ball for this
} particular problem, though. It must not be wrapped too tightly,
} so that during play, it will become unrolled and full of loops.
} Kitty will especially like this, as the loose yarn adds more
} movement and fun to its playtime.
}
} After about a half-hour or so, the little basta^H^H^H^Hbeast will
} be good and tangled in the excess yarn, and you can quickly wind
} the ends around and around it neatly until you have a nice coil.
} Then, when there's no way for it to escape, you can toss it into
} the "in" bin at the nearest knitting factory.
}
} Remember, there's more than one way to skein a cat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a catshmire sweater.


1124-07    (4gwja dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, when will Microsoft end its terrible reign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got some Good News and some Bad News.
}
} The Good News is that it will end its terrible
} reign next week.
}
} The Bad News is that it will then immediately
} start its appalling reign.
}
} You owe the Oracle an upgrade.


1124-08    (98gwg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey O, where you goin' with that pun in your hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm goin' down to shoot my old server
} I caught it messin' around with another LAN.


1124-09    (25rsj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Tell me all knowing great one. Is smoking or chewing tobacco
> worse for ones body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worse than what? Not smoking or chewing tobacco? Sure. But, in case you
} meant to compare it with something else, I've prepared a short list:
}
} Activity                                        Worse or Better?
} ---------------------------------------------   ----------------
} Riding a bicycle............................... Worse
} Riding a bicycle in rush hour traffic.......... Better
} Having a relationship.......................... Worse
} Having a relationship with O.J. Simpson........ Better
} Having a cup of hot cider, with a cinnamon
}  stick......................................... Worse
} Having a cup of hot cider, with arsenic........ Better
} Using a letter opener to open your mail........ Worse
} Using a letter opener to open your wrists...... Better
} Belly-flop off the high dive................... Worse
} Belly-flop off the 15th floor.................. Better
} Brain surgery.................................. Worse
} Brain surgery using your own power tools....... Better
} Taunting your girlfriend's poodle.............. Worse
} Taunting your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's
}  rottweiller................................... Better
} Explaining you're gay to your family........... Worse
} Explaining you're gay to the Grand Wizard at
}  next week's KKK Rally......................... Better
} Dumping your anal retentive boyfriend.......... Worse
} Dumping your anal-retentive boyfriend after
}  he's had a difficult day delivering mail on
}  his postal route.............................. Better
} Drawing caricatures of people at the State
}  Fair.......................................... Worse
} Drawing a pentagram on the floor of your
}  rent-controlled apartment and reciting what
}  appears to be a magic spell that you imagine
}  will rid the place of cockroaches............. Better
} Drinking milk that's a couple days past the
}  expiration date............................... Worse
} Drinking milk that's... well, let's just say
}  it doesn't *taste* like chocolate milk........ Better
} Sitting too close to your computer monitor..... Worse
} Sitting too close to Marlon Brando's second
}  helping....................................... Better
} Dating two women at once....................... Worse
} Dating two women at once at the same
}  restaurant.................................... Better
} Dating two women at once at the same
}  restaurant and not tipping the maitre'd
}  enough........................................ Priceless
}
} You owe the Oracle more credit.


1124-10    (2oro4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I a quiet person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose it's because you're working your way up to serial killer
} status. If you went around screaming like a madman, you'd be locked up
} too soon. That's why it's always the quiet ones who manage to take out
} half the department when they crack.  The noisy ones don't get to stick
} around long enough to get their chance.
}
} You owe the Oracle your entire gun collection.


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