[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:31:07 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1125

Goto:
1125, 1125-01, 1125-02, 1125-03, 1125-04, 1125-05, 1125-06, 1125-07, 1125-08, 1125-09, 1125-10


Internet Oracularities #1125    (81 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 00:10:13 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1125
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1125  81 votes bimka 6cqqb 5ffsi 5dtnb 3fwm9 dvq74 7emoe 5hqgh ainl9 hloc7
1125  3.1 mean  3.0   3.3   3.5   3.3   3.2   2.5   3.3   3.3   3.0   2.6


1125-01    (bimka dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "SOteric2" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Spanish Inquisition?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >> The Spanish Inquisition?
}
} <ROLL CREDITS>
}
} ...today's contestants. Joan, a flight instructor from Boston. Phil,
} a clarinet repairman from Dubuque, Iowa. And our returning champion,
} the Internet Oracle, who's winnings to date total...um, er, is that
} a sideways eight?
}
} And here's the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek!
}
} Alex: Hello viewers.  We already know how this is going to go, so
} let's get to it so we can all go home and whimper uncontrollably into
} our tear-stained pillows.  The categories for the first round are:
} THINGS ONLY THE ORACLE KNOWS; CATS; THE LETTER ODEGRAH; VOGON POETRY;
} MORE THINGS ONLY THE ORACLE KNOWS; SMELLY CHEESE ANAGRAMS; and YET
} MORE THINGS ONLY THE ORACLE KNOWS.
}
} Oracle, as our returning champion, you get control of the board.
} Phil, Joan, there are nice crossword puzzle books there for you to
} amuse yourselves with while Orrie cleans up.
}
} ORACLE: I'll take the entire board at 1000, in parallel please, Alex.
}
} ALEX: Shit. I hate this. My throat is still sore from the last time
} you pulled this crap. Do you have any idea...
}
} ORACLE: OK, maybe I'll just take "ZOTTING THE CANADIAN PRETTYBOY"
} for 1000?
}
} ALEX: Sigh. Here we go: Guvf Rhebcrna Trareny unq na nssnve jvgu uvf
} qbt gung erfhygrq va n zvyq Fngnavp ehyr bs Senapr ynfgvat frireny
} lrnef. Guvf pbzzba ubhfrubyq qrivpr jnf anzrq nf gur orfg cbffvoyr
} fbyhgvba sbe erzbivat natben she sebz lbhe oynpx fjrngref. Jura gur
} yrggre bqrtenu vf ercrngrq avargrra gvzrf haqre n shyy zbba, guvf
} vf gur anzr bs gur zvabe qrzba jub neevirf. B Cbvagl Oveq, B Cbvagl
} Cbvagl Oveq vf npghnyyl ABG bar bs Fgrir Znegva'f gverq wbxrf, ohg
} jnf va snpg ol jung Ibtbav? Yvfn'f oernfgyl zrnfherzragf ner bsgra
} ersreerq gb va guvf frg bs havgf ol gur Benpyr Urnqdhnegref fgnss
} ba bppnfvbaf. Yvzore Eht. Jung'f gur ynzrfg dhrfgvba gur Benpyr unf
} unq gb pyrna bhg bs gur dhrhr nyy qnl ybat, qnzzvg?
}
} ORACLE: Who is Francois Mitterand? What is packing tape wrapped around
} a paper towel tube sticky side out? Who is Stinkbomb Sillyputty,
} Archduke of Lower Styx? Who is Commander Xqqg? What are "tonguespans?"
} What is "Limburger?" And, what is "The Spanish Inquisition?"
}
} ALEX: Yes, yes, congratulations. Pardon me while I go spit up what
} is left of my soft palate after this round. By the way, that Vogon
} thing was the Daily Double so now you have twice as.... hell, you
} know what you have.
}
} <CUT TO COMMERCIAL>
}
} You owe the Oracle Merv Griffin's head on a plate in the form of
} a question.


1125-02    (6cqqb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There has been a lot of news in the papers recently about people
> hacking into the USA governemt computers and suchlike from russia.
> Aparently lots of confidential but not classified information was
> accessed.
>  What did the russian hackers get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite a lot really. They obtained personal information, including
} hobbies, religion, special diets, age, waistline, and underwear
} changing policies for every single man in America. As we speak the
} Russian Mail-Order Bride industry is tooling up for the largest
} direct mailing promotion in the history of the world. Yes, Russian
} computers are currently matching all single women in Russia to find
} their perfect love match, and will be mailing an introductory letter
} and photograph from a compatible young woman to the US within the week.
}
} Let's have a look at some of the letters due to be sent.
}
} > Mr B. Clinton,
} > The White House,
} > Washington,
} >
} > Dear Bill,
} >
} > I am Irini Gaganeva from Vlodistock, Russia. I hear you soon become
} > single and think you not want become lonely. Since I was in school I
} > have practice trumpet, and now am champion player in my city. I have
} > lips so strong I remove wheel nut from tractor using only lip. I hope
} > you want write to me.
}
} Not a bad try if I say so myself. Let's see another.
}
} > Mr J. Springer
} > CRAP-TV Networks
} > Hollywood
} > California
} >
} > Dear Jerry,
} >
} > I am Natalya Muchatrobuleova from Moscow, Russia. I have much hard
} > life want to find nice man live nice life. When I born my mother make
} > new relationship wolf. Then I find man, find he only like tree, not
} > girl.  Then my sister decide, not wear underwear under, wear on top.
} > Now my brother live with man on Monday-Friday, live with woman
} > Saturday Sunday. I much confuse. Now when I sneeze, feel much urge
} > take all clothe off in public place.
} >
} > I hope you not put off, would like write to me.
}
} I dunno about you, but I'm investing my money in Trans-Ural Airways.
} This looks like a hit.
}
} You owe The Oracle five yards of rubber tubing, a roll of black
} leather rope, three face masks, twelve gallons of whipped cream and
} strawberries, and some whips and chains. You should see the letter
} that I just received.


1125-03    (5ffsi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh lively and light-hearted Oracle, who's soulful way
> glimmers in the darkened hearts of many and arrests the
> evil done by others before acted out...
>
> Why do unhappy people hate happy people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACULAR DEVELOPMENT & UNIVERSAL RESEARCH ESTABLISHMENT (ORDURE)
} ----------------------------------------------------------------
}
} RESEARCH REPORT #QRa7HZ_:
} Investigation into Antipathy Exhibited by Subjects Experiencing
} a Negative Emotional State towards Those Experiencing the Obverse
} -----------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Date: October 29 1999
} Experimenter: The Internet Oracle
} Materials: One Oracular Priest (a.k.a. Subject)
}
} Experimental Procedure:
} Experimenter first carried out a self-assessment using a 5-point
} scale graded from 5 "very happy" to 1 "very unhappy". It was
} established that Experimenter was "very happy". Subject was then
} summoned using the command "Hoi, Zadoc!" Subject arrived promptly,
} on his knees and grovelling profusely.
}
} TRIAL 1
} -------
} Method: Subject was informed he was being summarily dismissed from the
} priesthood, in order to induce a negative emotional state. He was then
} required to quantify this state using the same 5-point self-assessment
} scale as before, prior to ascertaining his feelings of antipathy, if
} any, towards Experimenter.
}
} Result: Subject failed to complete the self-assessment, claiming that
} although the bottom had fallen out of his world, it was never possible
} to feel unhappy while Experimenter was present in the same room, so his
} emotional state was jumbled and not amenable to analysis. Trial was
} deemed to have failed.
}
} TRIAL 2
} -------
} Method: Subject was sent into the next room and required to assess
} himself as before.
}
} Result: Subject called out that Lisa was busy working out to a Jane
} Fonda video in this room so, although his life was still terminally
} blighted by his ejection from the priesthood, at the same time being
} surrounded by these visions in Lycra was as close to heaven as it was
} possible to get. Hence he was torn between conflicting emotions. Trial
} was deemed to have failed.
}
} TRIAL 3
} -------
} Method: Subject was sent into the hallway and the trial repeated as
} before.
}
} Result: Subject did not respond to repeated requests to assess himself.
} Eventually Subject stuck his head round the door and asked "Have we
} started yet?" Experimenter successfully beaned Subject with a vase.
} Nevertheless, the trial was deemed to have failed.
}
} TRIAL 4
} -------
} Method: Subject was allowed to remain in the same room and instructed
} to imagine that Experimenter was not himself but someone else telling
} Subject he was being summarily dismissed from the priesthood. Then
} the trial was to be repeated as before.
}
} Result: Subject informed Experimenter that even listening to such a
} suggestion constituted first degree blasphemy on Subject's part.
} Subject then indulged in 48 minutes of abject grovelling. Trial was
} deemed to have failed.
}
} TRIAL 5
} -------
} Method: Subject was informed in no uncertain manner that if he didn't
} shut up and start co-operating with the experiment, Experimenter would
} personally rip out his tongue and strangle him with it.
}
} Result: Subject wet himself. Trial was deemed to have failed.
}
} Discussion:
} No further trials were possible, as Experimenter became aware that his
} own emotional state was no longer "very happy" but "mega pissed off".
}
} Note:
} The experimental materials were sacrificed at the end of the
} experiment. This did Experimenter's mood no end of good.


1125-04    (5dtnb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, who sent me on a mission to find "Delia's Flower"
> over a year ago, I've returned finally.  I must say, it has been a most
> enlightening search across the universe to find it.
>
> In topological hell, what do they serve beer in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They serve beer in that weird girlie bar where the women are
} always just about to remove their clothes when suddenly -argh-
} all the clothes are back on them again, but inside out. You
} know the place 'The Moebius Stripper's Bar & Grill'.
}
} You owe the Oracle an almost complex manifold for his car.


1125-05    (3fwm9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH, WISE ORACLE, WHO KNOWS THE SECRET OF THE MYTHIC "SOAP".
>
> WHAT ARE THESE LOWER CASE LETTERS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lower-case letters are the better-known sub-species of the "codius
} readius" group.  Known for their clever habits of collaborating with
} intent to communicate, they can be distinguished from their larger
} cousins by their smaller size and their tails; some have long, curly
} tails whereas others have shorter, stubby tails.
}
} There are twenty-six different types of lower-case letter, each with
} its own distinguishable mating call.  When put together in groups, they
} can form, surprisingly, thousands upon thousands of noises.  They
} prefer to be kept in groups and, when hunting for food, can form long
} trails, known as 'sentences'.
}
} Lower-case letters have their own kind of parasite, known as "codius
} punctuata", that attach themselves to letter groups and groups of
} groups. These parasites vary in size and ability, but the most amazing
} thing about them is that they have a distinct fear of the Chat Room
} environment.  If you ever see codius punctuata on the Chat Room Plains,
} you should consider yourself very lucky indeed.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ,';.#&".;-]


1125-06    (dvq74 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10:30 (New Series) The Best of Seventies Tragedy
>
> Dick Clark introduces clips of disasters and accidents
> from 1970s -- footage now rendered hilarious by the
> ridiculous hairstyles, far-out fashions, and dated patterns
> of speech exhibited therein.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coming Shows will include:
}
} * 18 year olds get the vote. You'll be rolling in the aisles
}   when the kids get there hands on the ballot for the first time
}   and shoo in Nixon by an unprecedented landslide. Watch them
}   stammer inane excuses for this self inflicted wound.
}
} * Despite the unlimited nature of Outer Space the Soviet
}   spacecraft Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo 18 manage to collide.
}   Slap stick of the highest order.
}
} * Kent State. A frat prank to end all frat pranks, the jock
}   strap raid on the National Guard Armory Laundry room goes
}   horribly wrong. A classic example of 'It may start out all
}   as good fun, then someone goes and gets an eye poked out.'
}
} * The Supreme Court rules gender may not be mentioned in
}   help-wanted advertisements leading to a decade of embarrassing
}   'I Love Lucy' like real-life misadventures across the land.
}
} * The USA Bicentennial loses millions as tourist fail
}   to besiege America for the chance to buy a 'WIN' button.
}   Watch Jerry Ford try to forget about it all on a blind
}   date with Squeaky Fromme.
}
} * Mary Tyler Moore escapes the clutches of drunken pal
}   Dick van Dyke only at the expense of having to act
}   like a befuddled old maid in the homes of America.
}
} * Newspaper heiress Patty Hearst runs away from home and joins
}   up with wacky urban uni-sex scout troop. She quits in a huff
}   when she's not invited to the big hot-dog roast in L.A. despite
}   her daddy's contribution of millions of dollars worth of food.
}
} * Bad potato salad kills hundreds at Jones' annual family
}   picnic. See the unintentionally hilarious 'O'Spudily, the Safe
}   Tater Mole' ad spots run by the FDA to try and restore America's
}   confidence in the safety of potatoes.
}
} * Disco rears it's head. Millions learn of existence of
}   John Revolta. Watch in amazement as seemingly bright
}   adults struggle to contort themselves into pretzels
}   with a back beat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return to a quieter time, say 1300 b.c.


1125-07    (7emoe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored, let's do something different.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay.
}
} How about if I tell you what you as a species need to know?
}
} 1) The Republic is a fine form of government. You -were- doing
}    well spreading this Roman ideal about your globe. But it
}    faces two big threats.
}
}    a) Democracy. Democracy is lunacy. Democracy is mob
}       rule. Democracy leads to demagogues. FEAR democracy.
}       Right now you are slipping into mob rule. Fight it.
}       Many of your citizens can't even tell a republic from
}       a democracy, you need to fix this now. Why are you
}       letting everyone vote? Look at that person next to
}       you for example. If no one is next to you look in
}       a mirror.
}
}     b) Re-Tribalization. Your world is going back into
}        factions and groups, right when you were on the
}        verge of thinking as one. The cause ironically was
}        an ill-conceived method of trying to end tribalization.
}        By making the worse crime against the state the noticing
}        that one person was not the same as another you
}        highlighted the differences so much it forced everyone
}        into a state of thought-crime. One had to notice the
}        difference first, but in doing so you had violated the
}        law of not noticing. This was not good. The person next
}        to you IS different than you. (see point 'a' especially
}        the last two sentences. )
}
} 2) You need to embrace SOME religion. I do not care which one.
}    A flaw in your wetware makes it necessary to believe in
}    an outside fixture that knows all, with out it you become
}    anxious and confused. Pick one religion and let it flourish.
}    I'm available.
}
} 3) Forget about computers. Biology is IT. Crack DNA's code and
}    grow neural networks. Hardware is for rocks. Everyone should
}    have a huge slimy vat of grey matter feeding on IV drips
}    of quality home-grown blood on their desk by now.
}
} 4) You ARE evolving. You are evolving in NON biological ways.
}    Stop looking for physical evidence. Look at your ideas
}    and their extensions. You will never have wings on the
}    backs of your bodies, yet you fly better that ostriches.
}    A jet's wings are as different from a humming bird's
}    wings as your ideas about time are from the motion of
}    the moon's idea of time. Think about that.
}
} 5) Weed out weak practices. Pruning is good. Shear hell.
}    Cut it out. Snip, snip, snip!!
}
} 6) Television is a drug. Use it to keep the masses doped up
}    and in line and off line. But do not partake of it your-
}    self. Lame is the dealer that samples his wares.
}
} 7) Information is alive. Words are viruses. Inoculate your-
}    self with ideas of masters from the past to keep the
}    malicious sickness of idea vandals of today from messing
}    with your inner being. One read of 'The Iliad' will
}    fight off a lifetime of cowboy music. The collected
}    works of Camus will vaccinate you from any known kind
}    of automobile commercial.
}
} 8) Plant some trees damn it! Forget the rain forest. Plant
}    the deserts. You can grow plants there if you water them.
}    Look at Las Vegas and Israel. You need air, hello!
}    Don't make the third world grow the trees, they're too
}    hungry to care. Make the first world do it, beside the
}    first world is where all the world's dogs live anyway.
}
} 9) Their is nothing special about a base ten system of numbers.
}    Don't get hung up on numbers that end in zero. They mean
}    nothing.
}
} 10) WHY are you reading this one? Re-read number nine above
}     over and over until you get it. Sheesh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flamingo and a hedgehog.


1125-08    (5hqgh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What must I do in able to get to the right course in the University
> I want, so that I can marry a hot women and then make much money?
>
> [this question was written in one long line -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first you need to learn to use the enter key.
}
} I know, you may have heard women like lines that rely on auto wrap
} and go off the screen's edge for way over 80 characters, but this
} is not true.
}
} It's not the length that counts, but the correct <enter>ing
} technique that drives them wild.
}
} You owe the Oracle a world where vi rules.


1125-09    (ainl9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a place of eternal darkness.
}
} Smoke and the smell of charred flesh permeate the nostrils as you
} descend into this torrid dark hole. The burning and searing of muscle
} and bone is endless, and the sound of it--like the rush of some hellish
} waterfall--jars the senses and sets the spine tingling.
}
} All around there is decay. Hollowed husks of humanity, the lost souls
} that heaven forsake and hell has forgotten about, moan their eternal
} dirges and sate themselves on the gristle of the poor twisted remains
} of the beasts that could not escape their captor's ghoulish clutches.
}
} All around, the fetid remains of the harvest of the Fields of Rot lay
} browning upon sacrificial altars, like effigies to some long-forsaken
} god of disease and death. Or perhaps, they are gifts from the same god
} to the zombie-like damned that occupy this place and moan to him their
} prayers of worship--lest their god become angry and smite them with a
} blow from his plague-ridden hand.
}
} And all around there is thirst and parching heat. And the cries of
} "Water!" are enough to make even the deafest of humans cover their ears
} in feeble attempt to ward off creeping insanity. But the water is meted
} to them torturously slowly, dripped laboriously from pitchers into
} their waiting glasses only once every eon, and they drink deeply of it
} only to want more.
}
} Have you guessed it yet? Yep, it's "The Sizzler."
}
} You owe the Oracle a 22-oz. porterhouse.


1125-10    (hloc7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>    I am hooking up my USWest DSL, and I need to network two computers
> to an Ethernet HUB.  One computer has a 10BaseT EtherNet car and the
> other 100BaseT EtherNet card.  I am looking for a HUB that is 10/100.
> What do you recommend as far as Manufacturer, quality, price, etc...
> Where is the best place to search for this product and to buy it?
>
> Thank you all great one...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3Com. $196.00. CompUSA. Colonel Mustard. Library. Candlestick.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org