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Internet Oracularities #1127

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Internet Oracularities #1127    (70 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 15:20:52 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1127
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1127  70 votes ccelb 3jpda 7or84 4dnic 78nfh 2gve7 6almb 8foe9 9fpg5 6jlg8
1127  3.1 mean  3.1   3.1   2.7   3.3   3.4   3.1   3.3   3.0   2.9   3.0


1127-01    (ccelb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is not a question; this is idiot bait.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And a master-baiter you are!


1127-02    (3jpda dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay sir, time for your once a century physical. Drop the robe. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Already?   Look, I'm sorry, I really don't have the time, questions to
} answer, you know how it is...
}
} Unfit for oracular duties?  C'mon, you can't do that.   I'm a busy
} entity.
}
} Alright, you can do that, then.   How long is this going to take?
}
} Oh, don't worry, if it makes it shorter, I'm co-operative.
}
} That's not funny.   What's first?
}
} mumble, mumble, mumble...
}
} I said, this breath analyser mask stinks.   Whoever used it last must
} have chronic halitosis.  I thought you were supposed to disinfect
} between users.
}
} Oh.  Mental note - put mouthwash on the shopping list.   Did I pass?
}
} Hmm.   Okay, now what?
}
} Good grief, slow it down, will you.
}
} I don't care if the test's less accurate, slow it down!
}
} Don't look so smug, that hurt.   Honestly, you're just a sadist, aren't
} you.
}
} Bit small, isn't it.
}
} Oh, alright, I'll see what I can do.   Give me a minute, okay.
}
} <sigh> Always the same, isn't it.   All day, no problems, then when you
} need to go, you can't.
}
} Is that enough?
}
} Well, warn me next time and I might find it a bit easier.   I'll hold
} it in for a bit, y'know.
}
} Okay.  Not terribly comfy, is it.
}
} No, I suppose that that isn't the point.
}
} Ow!  It's supposed to be a gentle tap.  It's supposed to be a reflex
} test, not an attempt to break my kneecaps.
}
} I don't care what current medical thought is, not so hard.   Ow!
}
} Okay.
}
} What was that?   I can't see when I'm lying like this.
}
} That sort of rubbery snapping sound.
}
} Oh.  Maybe I imagined it.
}
} Aaah, no.   Gods, you could have warned me.   Aaah!   Pervert!
} Deviant! Spawn of Satan!  Your fingers are freezing.
}
} I hate that bit.
}
} Yes, well, I'd imagine that some people pay good money for that sort of
} thing, but I'm not one of them.
}
} That's not funny, either.
}
} Oh, fine.   Well, thank you, nice to know that I'm in okay shape.
} Next century, then?
}
} Indeed.   Bit more warning next time, okay?
}
} Fine.
}
} Hello, dear.   Yes, I passed, flying colours, as usual.
}
} Thank you, Doctor.   Zadoc, show the doctor out, would you?
}
} Bye
}
} Yes, dear.
}
} No problem, we can do that.   Right now, though, I've got to answer
} some more questions.
}
} What sound?
}
} Nope, I didn't hear anything.   What did it sound like?
}
} Somebody being ZOTed in the distance?   Naah, Zadoc wouldn't do that
} unless I asked him to...
}
} What smug expression?
}
} You owe the Oracle, and can only repay by undergoing the same tests.
} The doctor will be round when he's recovered.    Hehehe...


1127-03    (7or84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All pale in comparison to the Oracle, for the Oracle is above The
> Big Blue Room, the Oracle has foresight and wears not thick glasses,
> the Oracle is the FAQ of life itself,
>
> Are there any good reasons to change?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  You're not going out like *THAT*, are you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some decent shoes and a hat that go with his flowing
} white robes


1127-04    (4dnic dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> {}?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Okay. I've braced myself.


1127-05    (78nfh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you such a wanker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last! The companion site to Ron's Angels has arrived!!!
}                   ______________________________
}                  |                              |
}                  |        RON'S ORACLES         |
}                  |                              |
}                  |  http://www.ronsoracles.com  |
}                  |______________________________|
}
} Welcome to ronsoracles.com: the only web site that provides you with
} the unique opportunity to bid for sperm from beautiful, healthy and
} omniscient men. Well, one man actually, but what a man! This is the
} dude who knows it all and isn't afraid to spread it around!
}
}       He is ... the one and only ... THE INTERNET ORACLE!!!
}
}             *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
}
} It is human nature to strive to improve everything. From fruits and
} vegetables, to animals, to medicine, and even to human genes, we
} modify everything to produce the best we can. And of course we all
} want the best for ourselves and our children.
}
} There are 6.1 million infertile couples in America alone, looking for
} sperm so that they can have children. There are also millions of women
} around the world who would love to have their genes combined with those
} of a $DEITY. They have substantial financial resources, yet are unable
} to find the genetic combinations that would impart special gifts to
} their offspring. Gifts such as wit, superhuman intelligence, or the
} ability to ZOT people who piss them off. Gifts which could help YOUR
} children in their quest for happiness and success.
}
} Let's face it, our society is obsessed with intelligence. Why else
} would anyone even consider breeding with Albert Einstein or Bill Gates?
} Yet, more than this, omniscience is its own reward. Of course you want
} your kids appearing on TV quiz show after TV quiz show, effortlessly
} winning off-road vehicles and holidays in Tenerife. But think of the
} satisfaction they themselves will gain from automatically knowing
} the answers to all those important questions that have been plaguing
} mankind for centuries.  Questions like:
}
} --Why we drive in parkways and park in driveways.
} --Where all the ballpoint pens disappear to.
} --What setting phasers are on before Commander Riker orders the landing
}   party to set them to stun.
} --Exactly how much wood a woodchuck can chuck, to the nearest milligram.
}
} Can you really live with yourself if you deny your future children this
} knowledge?
}
} This may very well be the most important decision you and your family
} will ever make. You will live with this decision for the rest of
} your life. But we don't doubt for a minute that the life you create
} from these sperm will be every bit as insufferably smug and superior
} as you have the right to expect.
}
}             *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
}
}                      COME UP TO OMNISCIENCE!
}                     COME UP TO RON'S ORACLES!
}
}                Starting bids: $50,000 - $150,000 US
}                      in $5,000.00 increments
}
} You get:
}
} --Three (3) 10ml portions of guaranteed Grade A supersmart sperm
}   (even before fertilization, each individual sperm can work out the
}   value of pi to at least 48 decimal places).
} --A poster-sized photo of the Internet Oracle.
} --An "I've been shagged in vitro by the Oracle" T-shirt (size XL).
} --A visit to the Oracular Temple in Indiana.
} --A candlelit dinner with the priest of your choice (or, if that one's
}   unavailable, Ian Davis).
}
} You must be a member to bid. All bids from non-members will auto-
} matically be rejected. Please include your membership number when
} making a bid.
}
}                             JOIN NOW!
}
}             *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
}
} Small print:
} The services of ronsoracles.com are provided under the highest
} ethical standards. We take no remuneration from the donors. Our 20%
} service fee is on top of the highest bid. Donors and recipients must
} have their own attorneys to ensure that their interests are preserved.
} Recipients are responsible for the additional costs associated with
} assisted reproduction.  The donor reserves the right to reject a bid,
} at his discretion. Please read our user agreement.
}
}             *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *
}
} So, to answer to your question, supplicant: demand has been greater than
} anticipated, okay?
}
} You owe the Oracle a jumbo pack of Viagra and all your back issues of
} "Playboy".


1127-06    (2gve7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have always wondered; why don't Skittles candies really fall from
> rainbows,what does a rainbow taste like.  "Taste the rainbow!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It might surprise you to know, but that isn't false advertising.
} Skittles really do taste like a rainbow!
}
} The reason Skittles don't fall from the rainbows is that the upward
} pressure from the the jet stream keeps the Skittles suspended in the
} rainbow. For years scientists thought rainbows were merely light being
} refracted off water vapor in the upper atmosphere, but recently
} researchers at Mars, Inc. have been able to successfully catch a
} rainbow and collect its primary components: Skittles. Despite being
} slightly bland and a bit waxy, they have proved to be a popular item.
}
} However, this unrestricted rainbow harvesting has led to a significant
} reduction in the world's natural supply of rainbows. Rainbows take
} centuries to form, and Mars is collecting them at a rate of three
} rainbows a week! When was the last time you saw a rainbow?
}
} It is time to call on Mars to put an end to the destruction of one of
} our most precious resources! Please visit
} http://www.skittles.com/mail/feedback.html to inform them you know the
} truth about Skittle harvesting and disapprove! Also go to
} http://www.house.gov/writerep and let your local representative know
} that you want laws passed to stop this travesty! It's time we took back
} our rainbows!
}
} You owe the Oracle a mass email campaign.


1127-07    (6almb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is most wise in the ways of the buttered toast on
> cat, and the sound of unobserved falling trees, please tell me:
>
> If you took the covers off of two flat-bed scanners, placed them
> facing one on top of the other, and pressed the "scan" button on
> both, what would you get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Fired.


1127-08    (8foe9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0
> Content-Type: text/plain;
> charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> Oracle most funny,
> Please tell me a joke.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0
> Content-Type: text/html;
> charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1" =
> http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 5.00.2314.1000" name=3DGENERATOR>
> <STYLE></STYLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#e8e8e8>
> <DIV><FONT size=3D2>Oracle most funny,</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV><FONT size=3D2>Please tell me a joke.</FONT></DIV>
> <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A MIME goes into a bar.
}
} The bartender says, "What'll it be?".
}
} The MIME starts pantomiming. The bartender holds up his hand
} and stops him saying, "Look just say what you want and don't
} give me any of the lame acting out the message stuff."
}
} So the MIME leans forward and whispers,"
}
} This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
}
}  ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0
}  Content-Type: text/plain;
}        charset="iso-8859-1"
}  Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}
} I want a beer brewed in Mexico.
}
}  ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0
}  Content-Type: text/html;
}        charset="iso-8859-1"
}  Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
}
}  <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
}  <HTML><HEAD>
}  <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1" =
}  http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
}  <META content=3D"MS_SUXHTML 5.00.2314.1000" name=3DGENERATOR>
}  <STYLE></STYLE>
}  </HEAD>
}  <BODY bgColor=3D#e8e8e8>
}  <DIV><FONT size=3D2>I want a beer brewed in Mexico.</FONT></DIV>
}  <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
}
}  ------=_NextPart_000_002B_01BF27B6.E7B6A0E0-- "
}
} The bartender jumps back and starts screaming, "Everyone
} out of the bar! NOW! Run! Everyone out!"
}
} All the people in the bar run out in a panic.
}
} The bartender snarls at the MIME and says, "You white
} faced fool, now look what you've done! Those were all
} astronomers from the convention across the street. And
} you just caused a Corona mass ejection."
}
} You owe the Oracle a hat full of spare change.


1127-09    (9fpg5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MY JOKE
>
> By Orrie Joel
> Copyright 19__
> ------------------------------
>
> Got a call from an old 'chuck
> We used to be real close
> Said he couldn't go on the Oracle way
>
> Closed his hole, sold his wood
> Bought a ticket via Hotmail,
> Now he drains the queue from LA.
>
> I don't need you to worry for me, cause I'm funny
> I don't want you to tell me it's time grow up
> I don't care what you say anymore, this is my joke
> Go ahead with your own joke, leave me alone.
>
> I never said you had to offer me a tellme
> I never said I was a drainer of Orrie's queue
> I'm still funny, don't get me wrong.
> You can speak your mind, but not in Rec Humor Oracle D.
>
> They will tell you, you shouldn't anger the priesthood,
> Then they'll tell you not to work for a spamhaus
> Ah, but sooner or later you offend everybody else,
> Either way, it's okay, you just buy a new account.
>
> I don't need you to worry for me, cause I'm funny,
> I don't want you to tell me it's time grow up,
> I don't care what you say anymore, this is my joke,
> Go ahead with your own joke, leave me alone.
>
> I never said you had to offer me a tellme,
> I never said I was a drainer of Orrie's queue,
> I'm still funny, don't get me wrong.
> You can speak your mind, but not in RHOD.
>
> I don't care what you say anymore, this is my joke,
> Go ahead with your own joke, leave me alone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How the HELL did you find me here? This whole Oracle
} business is supposed to be anonymous! I'm going to send
} e-mail to Steve Kinzler RIGHT NOW, but I SWEAR Billy,
} if you don't stop stalking me, I'm going to get a
} restraining order. This is your LAST warning. I have
} a new life now. I'm not your stupid uptown girl anymore.
} GOD how I hate that song. I've hung up the swimsuit, and
} now I serve the Oracle. Now take your STUPID LITTLE SONGS
} and get OUT of MY LIFE!


1127-10    (6jlg8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, Paul Kelly has just joined the priests. Does this mean
> that as long as I mention "Paul Kelly" in my question, and you mention
> the same name in your answer, that we have a good chance he'll see it
> and digest this question to see his name in print?
>
> PS: PAUL KELLY

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paul Kelly...  Paul Kelly...
}
} Oh, now I remember!  DAMN!!!  I was supposed to give Mr. Kelly his
} annual review months ago.  This is so frustrating!  I've been so
} busy lately.  This really puts me in a bad mood.
}
} [click] Miss Lisa, please send in Paul Kelly.
}
} He's on break?  I'm the Oracle; I think he can spend a *few minutes*
} away from his precious *coffee and donuts* so that I can speak
} with him.  Haul his ass over here.
}
} Thank you.  [clunk]
}
} Who the blazes does he think he think he is?  Good grief, this gives
} me such a headache.  Ah!  There's my aspirin.  Now if I can find my
} antacids to take with the aspirin...  DAMN!  I'm out of antacids.
} This is so frustrating.  I almost always get an upset stomach if I
} take my aspirin without the antacids.
}
} Now for some water to swallow the aspirin...  [swallow]  Oh, ick.
} It's room temperature.  This damned Indiana University tap water
} always seems to taste icky when it's not cold.  [wince]  Oh, my head.
} I hope that damned aspirin works quickly.
}
} Hmmm...  Feels a little drafty in my office here.  Is it the window?
} No.  It seems like those damned physical plant people tinkered with
} the ventilation here and it hasn't worked right since.  I'm used to
} the 80-degree mediterranean weather year-round, and now I'm stuck
} with this unbearable Indiana weather; too hot in summer, too cold
} in winter.  I'm telling you, that cold, cold November wind just runs
} across these midwestern prairies like water on glass.  I could have
} told the IU people that when they built this place, but they didn't
} bother to ask.  Fools!  Every blasted one of them.  This damned draft
} has really set me on edge.
}
} [swallow]  Ugh.  This water is awful.  Stale, really.  Oh, my head.
}
} Looks like another gray-skied day.  Going to be gray all week, too.
} Also looks like somebody illegally parked in the handicapped parking
} spot.  Prick.
}
} Let's take a look at Mister Kelly's file, shall we?  Oh, Damn!
} I spilled some water in the file cabinet!  I'd better take these out
} of the cabinet so they can dry...  An awful lot of them...  Oh, hell.
} I'll just leave them on the floor here.  Oh, my aching skull.
}
} Hmmm...  Occasionally late...  Marginal communication skills...
} Sometimes has trouble working with others...  Shirks duties
} occasionally...  And then there's this complaint that he spends too
} much time chit-chatting with Lisa.
}   Hmmm...
}
} [swallow] Ugh.
}
} Ah!  Mister Kelly.  So good of you to tear yourself away from the
} *donuts* so that I can enjoy a *moment* of your *valuable* time.
} Try not to knock over that stack of files by the door...
}
} DAMN IT!!!  No!  Just leave them!  LEAVE THEM!
}
} Look, Supplicant, I'll just have to get back to your question later.


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