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Internet Oracularities #1129

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Internet Oracularities #1129    (72 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 08:12:33 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1129
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1129  72 votes 9jkf9 eqid1 aot81 24jxe 2fsi9 1ajx9 4ined aaqi8 6emm8 5kli8
1129  3.1 mean  2.9   2.5   2.5   3.7   3.2   3.5   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.1


1129-01    (9jkf9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, O Oracle, where for art thou Oracle?
>
> Will I get that job at Vanderbuilt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the rat
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is maiden with blouse torn
} That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the kingpin all rich from selling porn
} That dissed the maiden with blouse torn
} That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the priest all day digesting shat
} That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling
}   porn
} That dissed the maiden with blouse torn
} That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is Zadoc who was yesterday born
} That confounded the priest all day digesting shat
} That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling
}   porn
} That dissed the maiden with blouse torn
} That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} This is the Oracle seething with scorn
} That kept Zadoc who was yesterday born
} That confounded the priest all day digesting shat
} That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling
}   porn
} That dissed the maiden with blouse torn
} That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} And this is the answer in nursery rhyme form
} From the Oracle seething with scorn
} That kept Zadoc who was yesterday born
} That confounded the priest all day digesting shat
} That incarnated the question from the kingpin all rich from selling
}   porn
} That dissed the maiden with blouse torn
} That shook down the reporter with the crumpled hat
} That covered the police investigation
} That found the 9mm round
} That mowed the rat down
} That reported the dude
} That got in the job at Vanderbilt.
}
} You owe the Oracle some curds and whey.


1129-02    (eqid1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       man oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, since you had a 50/50 chance of correctly guessing the sex of
} this Incarnation.


1129-03    (aot81 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not under-
> stand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible.
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01BF31CF.6ADF8C30
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
>
> What exactly is the MIME format good for anyway, except to annoy the
> recipient?
>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01BF31CF.6ADF8C30
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 3.2//EN">
> <HTML>
> <HEAD>
> <META HTTP-EQUIV=3D"Content-Type" CONTENT=3D"text/html; =
> charset=3Diso-8859-1">
> <META NAME=3D"Generator" CONTENT=3D"MS Exchange Server version =
> 5.5.2448.0">
> <TITLE>tell me</TITLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY>
>
> <P><FONT COLOR=3D"#008080" SIZE=3D4 FACE=3D"Times New Roman">What =
> exactly is the MIME format good for anyway, except to annoy the =
> recipient?</FONT>
> </P>
>
> </BODY>
> </HTML>
> ------_=_NextPart_001_01BF31CF.6ADF8C30--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH!!!!
}
} Sirens call, helicopters whirr, and searchlights leave tracks across
} the sky.
}
} Superintendant, Godzilla is on the rampage again, and he's looking
} really nasty. He's just destroyed the entire Japanese Airforce with
} his radioactive breath and is trampling the last Navy destroyer as
} we speak.
}
} Release the baby Godzilla. When he sees his son, he'll calm right down.
}
} SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
}
} Superintendant. Godzilla just radioactive breathed his own son to
} a crisp.
}
} This is serious. What could have caused him to go that far?
}
} Superintendant. Godzilla just ate the Sumitomo building.
}
} Are there any clues Commander?
}
} Yes, we found this in the cave that Godzilla broke out of.
}
} A computer? A burnt computer? What's special about that?
}
} Look at what was burnt into the screen by Godzilla's radioactive
} breath.
}
} Oh my god, a MIME encoded email. Commander, get the President of the
} United States on the phone. We need access to his nuclear arsenal
} *now*.
}
} You owe The Oracle an island suitable for relocating about 120 million
} people and a mail program from 1982.


1129-04    (24jxe dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Could you please tell me ten questions you've never been asked before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to this question requires a deep insight into how we
} omniscient Oracles operate. Take a look in this room...
}
} > Wow, look at all those monkeys!
}
} One million of them to be exact. There job is to sit there banging
} away at the keyboards all day. Eventually, they'll type out every
} possible question anyone could ever ask.
}
} > Wow!
}
} Hoi, Zadoc! How're the lads doing this morning?
}
} "Oh Master Oracle, He who is So..."
}
} Good, good! Now what happens, supplicant, is that at the end of the
} day the Priests bring me all the gigabytes of whatnot that the monkeys
} have typed on a CD-ROM, and I make sure I have answers for them. So
} far, as your luck would have it, only ten questions the monkeys have
} come up with in all the thousands of years we've been doing this, have
} not been asked. I have them here..
}
} *ahem*
}
} THE TOP TEN UNASKED QUESTIONS OF THE INTERNET ORACLE
} ----------------------------------------------------
}
} (10)  Where should I keep my tongue when I'm not using it?
}
} (09)  Why would they want to chuck all that wood, anyway?
}
} (08) How do I tell the league that $30 million a season is too much
}      money? I'm not even that good a player!
}
} (07) Wow, North American beer sure tastes great, doesn't it?
}
} (06) Would you like a canoli?
}
} > What?
}
} A canoli. Surely you know what a canoli is?
}
} > You've never been asked if you'd like a canoli?
}
} Nope. I just never happen to attend a party where they're being
} served, and supplicants so rarely bring them along.
}
} Carrying on...
}
} (05) How can I convince Jodie Foster to drive iron spikes through my
}      head?
}
} Actually surprised that one's never come up.
}
} (04) Is is is is is is is .... [several million repetitions of the
}      word "is"] ... is is is is?
}
} > What?
}
} Speaking of being repetitive, supplicant...
}
} > What kind of question is that?
}
} Well, they're monkeys, right? As the Strange Eons pass, they'll type
} *everything*. And apparently the supplicants will ask anything...
}
} (03) What can I do in my second term as President that will most
}      benefit America?
}
} (02) I'm the richest man in the world, but I feel really guilty about
}      selling all this crappy software. How do I resolve this moral
}      dilemma?
}
} ... and the Number One Unasked Question of the Internet Oracle:
}
}
} [dramatic pause]
}
}
} (01) How can I get more unsightly body hair?
}
} There you go.
}
} > Thanks, Oh Wise and Ponderous Oracle.
}
} No problem kid. This one comes up about every 412,857 questions. It's
} one of my favourites. You owe the Oracle...
}
} "Oh Oracle Most Wise!"
}
} Otis! I'm with a supplicant, what is it?
}
} "Scratch number 4."
}
} Lemme guess, the woman in Burbank who channels Philip Glass, right?
}
} "Right as always, Omniscient One."
}
} Great! I've been saving that response for sixty years!
}
} > Oracle, wait! What do I owe you?
}
} Hey, I'm down to nine! Call this one a freebie. I'll get the dame in
} Burbank to send me some canolis.


1129-05    (2fsi9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The very spirit of the sea-wolves who had so long lived on
> the pillage of the world seemed embodied in his gigantic
> form, his enormous strength, his savage countenance, his
> desperate bravery, the fury of his wrath, the ruthlessness
> of his revenge, All Hail the Oracle!
>
> Which series of words could one type that will produce
> a thought that will get so stuck in the minds of all that
> read it that they will never, ever, ever be able to get
> those words out of their minds?
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That, my friend supplicant, is the one thing, the only thing in all
} the Universe, that I cannot, must not know. Because if I did know, I'd
} never be able to get them out of my mind either, which with my truly
} cavernous cranium, would resonate with those words until I went stark,
} raving insane, thereby becoming useless to all ye seekers of wisdom
} and a bit of a drag at parties. I'm sorry supplicant, but there are
} some things that Dare Not Be Known.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small world, after all.
}
} "It's a small world after all, it's a small world -" DAMN!!


1129-06    (1ajx9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Epicurean,
>
> Why is it recommended that revenge as a dish be served cold?
> What happens if I re-heat it in the microwave? Or stir-fry it?
> Or grill it over sumac branches? Or have it raw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grudges are unfortunately very susceptible to mutation. Microwaving
} them is thus not a good idea, as you are liable to forget what you were
} originally offended over, and come up with some pathetic justification
} for your anger, or possibly to extend your anger from its original
} subject to his/her/its friends/relatives/neighbors/pets/fellow-species.
}
} Stir-fried revenge can be quite tasty; it is extremely pleasurable to
} settle several grudges at once with a single act. However, some
} individuals with more delicate palates feel that it is impossible to
} truly enjoy the suffering of each enemy if they are savored
} simultaneously; these effete gourmands would hold that stir-frying is a
} waste, at least for subtler forms of revenge. Crude forms of revenge,
} however, such as physical violence, tend to be enhanced by the
} combination.
}
} Grilling, barbecuing and frying revenge are all plausible options, very
} useful for a simple, hearty grudge-settlement. There is little aspect
} of skill or subtlety about them, however.
}
} Raw revenge is precisely what is meant by serving it cold. The basis
} for this is that there is nothing better than revenge; any cooking is
} likely to add aspects such as defensiveness, petty resentment, useful
} lessons, or possibly even self-defense. Serving revenge cold and raw,
} then, is the only way to keep it pure.
}
} The real best way to serve revenge, however is none of the above:
} grudge fondue. A little piece at a time, to extend the pleasure as long
} as possible, and cooked each time in a different sauce, a different
} flavor of retribution. Of course great skill is required to prepare
} this sort of dish. So unless you are an accomplished revanchist, I
} would suggest you follow the popular wisdom and stick to raw. If you
} are interested in developing your skills, I would suggest you start on
} stir-fry first, and gradually work your way up to fondue.
}
} You owe the Oracle his dinner. This whole discussion has done nothing
} to reduce his appetite.


1129-07    (4ined dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, Orrie, everyone's coming up with their own definitions of love,
> whether it be in films, poetry, theatre, or just surmising one night in
> the local drinking establishment.
>
> But nobody defines hate. So could you provide a definitively definite
> definition of hate for me, Orrie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hate is such a human emotion. It is best if we let some
} classic definitions of hate from humans answer your
} question. . .
}
} Hate is never having to say you're glad.
}                               Bryan Soong
}
} You may be a total moron but I know what hate is.
}                               Giveitarest Gump
}
} All you need is hate.
}                               Johnny B. Lenin
}
} Hate is what makes the world go around and around and around
} until you vomit. Hate is the spins.
}                               W.C. Fields
}
} Doubt that farts catch fire;
} Doubt that the sloth move;
} Doubt a politician is a liar;
} But never doubt that I hate you.
}                       William ShakenNotstirredSpeare
}
} ..hate with its venom leaves the plunger in the toilet
} of life. Ow!
}                                  Helen Keller
}
} Hate is not patient, hate is not kind. It does envy, it does
} boast, it is proud. It is rude, it is self-seeking, it is
} easily angered, it keeps extensive records of wrongs.
} You are going to hell.
}                                  Yahweh
}
} A meeting between two beings
} with contempt for one another,
} who are made to hate
} each other, borders ready to
} be crossed at dawn with Stukas and tanks
} in my opinion, is destiny.
}                               Adolf Hitler
}
} It is better to hated and been cross,
} than to never have hated before
}                                   Bagel John
}
} Hate is all we have, the only way that each can hurt the other.
}                            EuripidesYouPayforThese
}
} You the Oracle a plate of cold revenge.


1129-08    (aaqi8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's your daddy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, how's your father. The correct Britspeak alternative to "a bit
} of the other" involving a parent is "a bit of how's your father".
} Your other incorrect answers were, in no particular order:
}
}   That takes the cookie
}   Mind your Ts and Js
}   I'm not telling you pigs
}   She's a fragment of okay
}   You don't get much of that in a kilo
}   As unwell as a carrot
}   You large boy's shirt
}   Too intelligent by 50%
}   Part of an adhesive wicket
}   Can I bottom a gay off you?
}   She's in the dessert society
}   Push the other one, it has whistles attached
}   Spear the ravens down Marylebone High Street
}   Cold enough to castrate a metal macaque
}
} To be perfectly honest, Zax'sptl, I don't think you're ready to
} infiltrate Earth yet. At least, not England. You could go for the
} United States - nobody understands what they say over there anyway.


1129-09    (6emm8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kind and loving Oracle,
>
> Won't we be better off routing around Australia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahrr, well Cap'n Cook sorr, there be two loines o' thought on the
} mahtter. There be those nahvigators what say 'tis always better to
} go roond huge hulking great lahndmasses than to troi and sail straight
} through 'em like, and, it hahs to be said, there's somethin' in thaht.
}
} And then there's those nahvigators, of 'oom I be one, what say we wants
} to get home afore pub closing toime, so full steam ahead and booger the
} obstacles. Now then, d'ye want to foind Botany Bay or don't ye?
}
} Ye owe the Oracle a spliced mainbrace, some shivered timbers and a lick
} o' the cat. Ahrr!


1129-10    (5kli8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and pleasant voiced,
>
> Will the USA ever have a female president? Would anything be different
> there if they did?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The USA will not have a female president so long as women continue
} to serve as the gender of sensibility and reason.  The presidency is
} an evolved form of natural selection.  America's forefathers designed
} the position to attract, identify, and isolate deranged persons with
} outwardly normal appearances.
}
} In this respect, the function has been wildly successful.  America's
} presidents include drunks (Jackson and Grant), loons (Jefferson,
} Teddy Roosevelt, and Nixon), sufferers of senile dementia (Ford and
} Reagan), and a 400-pound man (Taft).  The Oracle trusts that you
} can see the appeal of placing this person in an isolated building
} (the White House), putting him under constant supervision (Secret
} Service), and making his proclamations utterly worthless (Congress).
}
} Women can see right through this.  A few have strayed, but they snapped
} out of it with time to spare.  One can imagine an elevator attendant,
} or perhaps a buffet server, pulling aside Liddy Dole and hissing,
} "Pull it together, sister.  You're gonna give us all a bad name."
} The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.
} Becoming President would be a demotion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mondale/Ferraro bumper sticker, mint.


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