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Internet Oracularities #1130

Goto:
1130, 1130-01, 1130-02, 1130-03, 1130-04, 1130-05, 1130-06, 1130-07, 1130-08, 1130-09, 1130-10


Internet Oracularities #1130    (63 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 10:47:51 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1130
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1130  63 votes ehka2 08ola beld4 5ekg8 7ioc2 28iob oeg72 8cmd8 7emf5 15ona
1130  3.0 mean  2.5   3.5   2.8   3.1   2.7   3.5   2.2   3.0   3.0   3.6


1130-01    (ehka2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Are you walkin' on sunshine?
>
>   Wouldn't that hurt your feet a lot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes it DOES, actually. That's why I only said I was TRYING to
} feel good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of moon boots.


1130-02    (08ola dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most far out, who is sometimes called Maurice,
> Would you speak on the pompatus of love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracles "Pompatus Of Love" (as Lisa likes to call it) is of
} truly impressive proportions.  In fact, when Lisa first saw it, she
} was skeptical.  "It's so huge, Orrie", she exclaimed, "You'll never
} fit all of it in ...... bit I'm willing to try".
}
} Later, when she'd been proven wrong, and we lay gasping on the floor,
} she expressed her amazement.  "It must be at least 3 metres long,
} how the hell did we get it up the stairs, and around that tight turn
} in the hallway ?"  This, of course, was when The Oracle was but an
} acolyte, and was living in a rather cramped student apartment on
} the lower slopes of Mount Olympus.  It was not prime real-estate,
} one of the lesser Gods of Thunder lived upstairs, and the noise and
} constant dampness were a bit of a problem.
}
} The rather moth-eaten sofa (or Pompatus as they were known in those
} days) that had been leant to me by my step-uncle Baccus was only
} slightly shorter than the long axis of the room, but it was a great
} improvement on the rather hard wooden benches my cousin Aries had
} looted from the seige of Sparta.
}
} That evening, Lisa and I snuggled up on the new Pompatus and .....
} well, that's another story.  Suffice to say that some items of
} furniture have sentimental value.
}
} You owe The Oracle a visit to www.kissthisguy.com


1130-03    (beld4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can twist reality to his liking, creating that
> which he finds pleasing, and smiting that which he does not, tell me:
>
> How do you kill an in-joke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With an out-joke like this:
}
} Okay, you're going to love this, it's really funny. These two guys go
} into a bar, you know, a place where they serve drinks. So one of them
} says, this is funny, he says "Bartender, give me a Whiskey Sour, easy
} on the sour." Oh, by the way, I know you're going to love this. Anyway,
} the other guy says, "What do you mean, easy on the sour?" Because
} Whiskey Sour is made with Whiskey and some sour juice, I think it's
} like lemon juice, I forget. And the first guy goes, like, "Whoa, dude,
} it's just the way I like my drink!" So the second guy, says something
} else, I forget what, but the bartender looks at him like he's crazy. So
} the second guy looks back at him, and goes, "You got a problem with
} that?" And the bartender thinks it's really funny, because the monkey
} is standing behind him! Oh yeah there was a monkey and a horse in the
} bar, and they were standing behind these guys. Anyway, the monkey looks
} at the horse, sort of like "are these guys alright?!
} " And the horse, this is the funny part, okay, you're going to like
} this. The horse says "Neigh!" So the first guy just starts laughing,
} and then he takes off the dress he was wearing! He just takes it off
} right there! Do you get it? He had this dress, but the horse says
} "Neigh," so he takes it off! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, and the other guy says
} something, I forget what, and that's when the clowns started washing
} the windows. See, the windows were really dirty -- or something like
} that, maybe it was the floor, because of the monkey and the horse, but
} anyway they had to bring these big buckets, and that's when the horse
} says "Neigh" and the guy takes off the dress. See, I knew you would
} love this.


1130-04    (5ekg8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most frequently paged while in the restroom Oracle,
>
> If all purchases are made over the Internet in the future
> where will teenagers hangout if there are no malls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chat rooms, until the management starts including Lawrence Welk MIDI
} files to drive them out.


1130-05    (7ioc2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes, my precious, we will find this Oracle, and ask *him* about our
> birthday present. [golump]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go answer your phone.  I think someone's giving you a ring.


1130-06    (28iob dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Mostly Wise,
>
> What ever happened to "fuzzy logic"? I thought it was
> supposed to have taken over the computer world by now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only sort of.


1130-07    (oeg72 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie most mystical!
>
> I've had the fourth oracularity in four of my five digestions in a
> string of six consecutive digests.  Can this be the seventh oracularity
> in the eighth digest within this series of digests? (#1130-07, btw.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naw.  You're getting too arrogant already.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice hot humble pie.


1130-08    (8cmd8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> : The Internet Oracle is pondering your question.
> :
> : Expect an answer in a day or two.
>
> Agh!  Not again! That's thebloody fsckingseventh onethismorning!
> Savemeplease! AttackoftheMondayMorningQueueDrainer!NO!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle is not pondering your question.
}
} The Internet Oracle is attending the bachelor party of an old college
} roommate. The Internet Oracle is feeding frustrated supplicants to
} Cerberus, who has good heads on his shoulder. The Internet Oracle is on
} hold with tech support (and He isn't sure how they got His number). The
} Internet Oracle is arranging flowers for fun and profit. The Internet
} Oracle is this many years old--in Oracle Years, that is. The Internet
} Oracle is picking up a bucket of chicken at KFC. The Internet Oracle
} just made a volcano out of hairpins and a handful of clay. The Internet
} Oracle knows the truth behind the Santa Claus myth and thinks reindeer
} are tasty when cooked properly. The Internet Oracle just zotted Dr.
} Dean Edell for no reason. The Internet Oracle was aiming for Dr. Laura.
} The Internet Oracle is adjusting the sights on the Staff of Zot with a
} pair of pliers. The Internet Oracle saw "Joseph and the Amazing
} Technicolor Dreamcoat" and wasn't impressed since He feels technicolor
} dreamcoats went out of fashion 142 years ago. The Internet Oracle knew
} John Kennedy and you, supplicant, are no John Kennedy. The Internet
} Oracle will be back soon, so leave a message after the tone.
}
} But the Internet Oracle is not pondering your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a napkin.


1130-09    (7emf5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise is the Oracle,
>
> I saw an ad that said Dodge trucks were RAM tough. Does that mean that
> they forget everything they were doing if the power goes down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and that in the end there is never enough room for whatever
} thing you want to load on them.


1130-10    (15ona dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is the Most Clever Denizen of The El Worlds, Senior Citizen
> in Thought and Deed among the Immortals, Blue Clad Denim Deity on
> Casual Frey-Days. . . All who are in the know worship the Oracle's
> every syllable.
>
> Will the anchors of the major news outlets ever notice that they have
> become self parodying and irrelevant?
>
> Thank you Wise Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep this under your hat, but *all* current news anchors - or rather,
} News Anchors! (TM) are actually constructed by the Walt Disney
} Anamatronics Unit in Cupertino, California.  The last LIVE news
} anchor was Dan Rather, who was finally hunted down in the famous
} "What's the Frequency, Kenneth" episode.
}
} In fact, Rather was killed and replaced with Dan Rather! (TM) -
} construct number LS66122.  The actual job of news anchor is far too
} tedious a job for a sentient being.
}
} Since we're divulging Illuminati secrets anyway, keep your eyes peeled
} for some of the other Illuminati-sponsored anamatronic replacements
} you probably suspected, including:
}
} Congressperson                          (Model TT10034)
} Angst-ridden Alternative-Band Singer    (Model JX91245)
} Internet Expert                         (Model OI47312)
} Soccer Mom                              (Model JM54468)
}
} There was a lot of overproduction in the mid-90s, thus the reason
} there are so many of these constructs roaming free throughout America.
}
} NOTE:  If you suspect you are dealing with a construct, try a quick,
} sharp tap behind the right ear.  A construct will go into debug mode
} and begin reciting a litany of profanity (which will appear to be
} directed at you) - debug mode can be turned off with a much harder
} blow to the same location.
}
} You owe the Oracle some WD-40


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