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Internet Oracularities #1131

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1131, 1131-01, 1131-02, 1131-03, 1131-04, 1131-05, 1131-06, 1131-07, 1131-08, 1131-09, 1131-10


Internet Oracularities #1131    (67 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 1999 15:54:00 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1131
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1131  67 votes 87gnd 5cuf5 6rma2 4hkk6 4eqf8 39wh6 39ikh 3bklc 1fuj2 3bgne
1131  3.2 mean  3.4   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.1   3.2   3.6   3.4   3.1   3.5


1131-01    (87gnd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most spiffy, whose breath puts me to shame,
> Where has the #madlib IRC channel gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----------------------------------------------- part first ---------
}
} 1) adjective
} 2) verb
} 3) verb
} 4) exclamation
} 5) adjective
} 6) adjective
} 7) noun
} 8) plural noun
} 9) adjective
} 10) noun
} 11) body part
} 12) Famous Person's name
} 13) adjective
} 14) adjective
} 15) adjective
} 16) number
} 17) plural noun
} 18) animal
} 19) male celebrity
} 20) female celebrity
} 21) name of local eatery
} 22) body part
} 23) body part
} 24) common name
} 25) occupation
} 26) recreational drug
} 27) color
} 28) politician
} 29) adjective
} 30) adjective
} 31) noun
} 32) animal
} 33) verb
} 34) body part plural
} 35) exclamation
} 36) adjective
} 37) food
} 38) bad word
} 39) verb
} 40) noun
} 41) adjective
} 42) a number
} 43) object of great value
}
} --------------------------------------------------- part second ----
}
} One 1__________ day the Oracle was just starting to 2_________ his way
} through the queue when he thought he heard Lisa 3________.
}
} "4__________", said the 5_________ Oracle, "that was 6_______!"
}
} Just the Zadoc burst into the room carrying a 7________ and a pair
} of matched 8________. Behind Zadoc was Og, who was dragging a
} 9_________ 10_________ by its 11___________.
}
} "I thought I told you two to take those to 12________! " roared
} the 13______ Oracle.
}
} "14________ Oracle, who is more 15________ than 16________
} 17_________, "said Zadoc in a voice much like that of a 18________,
} if they could but talk. "We tried, but we met 19__________ and
} 20________________ at 21_________ on the way there.  They seemed
} to be on a first date or something, since his 22____________ was
} on her 23_______________! We became embarrassed and came back here!"
}
} "For the love of 24________! " bellowed the Oracle. " You two are
} as dumb as a 25__________ on 26___________!"
}
} Then the emergency 27________ line phone rang! It was 28__________
} asking for the Oracle's help! This was his question:
}
} Oracle most 29__________ and 30_________,
}
} How much 31__________ could a 32_____________ 33___________
} if had no 34___________?
}
} "35__________!" yelled the increasingly 36_______ Oracle, "That
} takes the 37_________! 38____! I'll be 39_________ with a 40_______
} if I have to answer that 41_________ question one more time.
} Besides everyone knows the answer is 42________!"
}
} ----------------------------------------------- part third -------
} You owe the Oracle a 43 ___________________.


1131-02    (5cuf5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why did the boss ask everyone to leave early?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your boss is a considerate and fair person. The decision to leave
} early was made in order to reduce stress and foster a more harmonious
} working environment. Besides, didn't you find that the fire alarms
} were beginning to hurt your ears?


1131-03    (6rma2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, least lawyer like of the Deities,
>
> What will be the trial of the -next- century?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the year 2074, Cisco-AT&T-NewYorkYankees-QuakerOats-Nike (party
} #1)conglomerate will bring suite against the
} USGovernment-Microsoft-ChurchOfLaterDaySaints-GreenPeace (party #2)
} over an argument of free speech in USDA (under-skin digital assistants
} - not the food body - which no longer exists anyway).
}
} The controversy will arise due to the redirection of default
} advertising in these USDA's by their makers, party #1.  Party #2 will
} claim the right to free speech when they tap into this advertising
} network to support their own advertisements.  You may think of this
} case as the ultimate extension between AOL and Microsoft's recent ICQ
} fun.  AOL by the way, will be bought out by their users, much like a
} well known airline today, and renamed B1FF.
}
} You owe the Oracle one crystal ball.


1131-04    (4hkk6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Santa:
> Have I been naughty or nice?
>
> Your Humble Supplicant,
> Georgie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "ZADOC!"
}
} "Yes your refulgence?"
}
} "What the devil is a letter to Nicky doing in my mail - you know how
} frantic he gets this time of year, wanting to make sure he doesn't
} miss anybody!"
}
} "I am most ablatively sorry, most wise one, I will tke care of it
} immediately."
}
} The Oracle, grumbles and goes back to his work.
}
} Zadoc, cringes off to his little cubby, where a battered Wyse terminal
} provides his net access.He logs in, and readdresses the e-mail with
} the follwing note:
}
} Dear St. Nick:
}
} We got this letter for you by mistake.  I took the liberty of doing a
} bit of research on the subject for you, and I have attached my notes.
} I think you will find them illuminating, especially when the attached
} wish list includes such items as "Moral Fibre", "A Vision for America",
} "A Spine", and "The electoral votes of California, Texas, and Florida"
} Perhaps the supplicant will happy with some nice Pokemon toys.
}
} Grovelingly Yours, Zadoc


1131-05    (4eqf8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> How do moccasins differ from slippers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Slippers are generally not venomous.
}
} You owe the Oracle an illustrated guide to pit vipers of North America.


1131-06    (39wh6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle Most Dignified, you who has a mortar board and tassels from
> every .edu site that has ever existed;
>
>  What kind of colleges will they have on Mars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several there already, in fact.  Perhaps these excerpts from
} the current Ares University course catalog will suffice:
}
} POL2005 -- Political Sciences
}       An analysis of the history and theory of planetary subjugation.
}
} LAN3001 -- Earth Languages
}       How to demand surrender in all Earth languages.
}
} MIL1012 -- Military Technology
}       Particular emphasis is given in this course to the development of
} stardrive technology and death rays.
}
} NUT1003 -- Nutrition Science
}       Required text is "To Serve Man".
}
} You owe the Oracle the year's supply of freeze-dried food you've
} hoarded for Y2K.  You won't be needing it after all.


1131-07    (39ikh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My office neighbour sent in a question, and so did I.
>
> Her question came to me for answering!! What are the chances of that
> happening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is that you? This is getting really freaky. Maybe we're the only two
} people writing to the Oracle right now.


1131-08    (3bklc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wondrous Oracle,
>
> Why is it that the more you know about computers, the less reliable
> yours becomes?
>
> Your servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Returned mail: Host unknown (Name server: cs.indiana.edu: host not
} found)
}
}    ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
} <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}
}    ----- Transcript of session follows -----
} 550 <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>... Host unknown (Name server:
} cs.indiana.edu: host not found)


1131-09    (1fuj2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I meet the girl of my dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh* I'm not a fortune teller, you know. Yeah, sometimes I dabble
} around in the stuff, but usually only for friends and the like.
} I mean, for Pete's Sake, you didn't even offer a proper grovel...
}
} But, it just so happens that I need to work some rust out of my
} fortune telling routine, so I'll give you a private showing.
}
} <The Oracle does magical type things>
}
} Good news chap! Well, and some bad... The good news is that you DO
} meet the woman of your dreams, and what a whopper! She won $400 in
} the lottery when she was 18. Through wise investments, she managed
} to grow that $400 into $400,000,000 with no other outside capital to
} speak of. On top of that she's lovely, striking, and would make Helen
} of Troy jealous. With all that hard earned dough (which she earned
} by the age of 24), she persued a career in what she really loves...
} funeral home management.
}
} The bad news is when you meet her... at your funeral.
}
} Too bad, chap...
}
} You owe the Oracle more to work with.


1131-10    (3bgne dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... --- ...
> ... --- ...
> ... --- ...
> ... --- ...
> ... --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally!
}
} I thought those idiots over on the Titanic were -never- going to
} shut up.
}
} You owe the Oracle some dry ice.


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