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Internet Oracularities #1134

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Internet Oracularities #1134    (68 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 19:39:36 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1134
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1134  68 votes 2gofb ejfg4 5khl5 36ggr bnma2 aoif1 9pl94 3ehnb bele8 2giie
1134  3.0 mean  3.2   2.7   3.0   3.9   2.5   2.6   2.6   3.4   2.9   3.4


1134-01    (2gofb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The supplicant is not asking you a question.
>
> The supplicant is playing nethack.  The supplicant is reading
> a book.  The supplicant is attending a party.  The supplicant is
> eating pineapple and ham pizza.  The supplicant is seducing Lisa.
> The supplicant is just kidding about the seducing Lisa part.
> The supplicant is writing a 64-bit OS.  The supplciant is playing
> table soccer.  The supplicant is drinking coffee.  The supplicant
> is writing poetry.  The supplicant is at work.  The supplicant
> is torturing Zadoc.  The supplicant is pondering his chances of
> asking the w**dch*ck question and living.  The supplicant has
> determined that the chances of surviving a ZOT! are exactly zero.
> The supplicant has also determined that the chances of surviving
> his finals are also exactly zero.  The supplicant is on a date
> with a model.  The supplicant is visiting London for the afternoon.
> The supplicant lives in Saint Louis, USA.  The supplicant is writing
> a research paper on marmots.  The supplicant is drinking beer with
> Kendai.  The supplicant is on break.  The supplicant is asleep.
> The supplicant has borrowed the ZOT! staff, and has just ZOTted the
> queue drainer.  Several other incarnations are about to be ZOTted too.
> These incarnations are in hiding.  The supplicant is ZOTting MIMES.
> The supplicant is watching a film.  The supplicant will not be
> grovelling until further notice.  The supplicant will be back soon,
> so please leave a message after the tone.
>
> But the supplicant is not asking you a question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle is not answering a question.
}
} The oracle plays nethack better than the supplicant.
} The oracle is reading two books simultaneously.
} The oracle is the life of a party.
} The oracle is eating a pineapple and ham pizza with double cheese.
} The oracle is seducing Jenny because he knows that Lisa was a man until
} last October.
} The oracle is not kidding about the Jenny part.
} The oracle already wrote a 128-bit OS, but he deleted the source code
} from his hard drive to make space for copies of his fan mail.
} The oracle invented table soccer.
} The oracle is drinking coffee brewed from Blue Mountain beans picked at
} his plantation in Jamaica.
} The oracle secretly writes poetry under the name "Robert Frost."
} The oracle is at play (see aforementioned "Jenny" section).
} The oracle has personally designed several revolutionary torture
} chambers, and is a contractor for dictatorships in Myanmar and North
} Korea.
} The oracle has asked the w**dch*ck question and survived.
} The oracle has determined that the chances of surviving a ZOT! is not
} exactly zero; the supplicant has ignored the margin of error of +- .3%
} points.
} The oracle knows that the chances of his finals surviving him is
} exactly zero.
} The oracle is on a date with a *female* model.
} The oracle is being visited by London for the afternoon.
} The oracle owns half the land in downtown St. Louis, USA.
} The oracle won a Nobel Prize for his research on marmots.
} The oracle is drinking draft beer with Kendai.
} The oracle is always on break, except when supplicants present him with
} questions, or have the audacity to tell them about how pitiful their
} lives are in comparision to that of the oracle.
} The oracle can go for years without sleep.
} The oracle is worshipped by the ZOT! staff, and the queue drainer
} automatically ZOTs for him.  He found and ZOTted the other incarnations
} before the supplicant got a chance.
} The oracle ZOTs MIMES blindfolded, with both hands tied behind his
} back. The oracle has declined Academy Awards three times, out of
} principle. The oracle is constantly grovelled at, until he gives
} everyone notice to stop.
} *BEEP*  Hi, this is the Oracle.  I found your lost teddy bear.  Give me
} a call. <Oracle hangs up>
}
} But the oracle is not answering a question.
}
} You owe the oracle a question mark.


1134-02    (ejfg4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most standfast,
> when would you cry uncle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I saw him stuck in the wrong aunt hole.
}
} You owe the Oracle the sound of an anteater's tongue in action.


1134-03    (5khl5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "bjbackitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who would never dare harm a fly unless it was really, truly,
> genuinely, obnoxiously within several miles of him, please answer this
> minor query....
>
> Why is the pain generated by hearing a bad pun so strangely
> pleasurable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > > ZOT!!! < <
}
} Oh, no, not you, supplicant.  Please - come out - no, there was a
} fly buzzing about your head.
}
} Little known to most people, the Oracle is an avowed Paranomasiast.
} No, that is not some perversion, you twisted little maggot.  Well,
} not some sexual perversion anyway.  That is a fancy term for one who
} enjoys, and makes, puns.  I have no doubt improved your knowledge as
} it stands now by providing you with an increase to your vocabulary,
} but *sigh* I suppose that does not answer your question...
}
} The New Encylopedia Brittanica says that a pun is "Two disparate
} strings of thought tied together by an acoustic knot."  The oracle
} likes that definition, as it strikes a pleasant cord, er, chord.
} Actually, I should move along from that - as I have a virtual punorama
} of plays on words, it could make your answer tedious.
}
} Actually, the Oracle has never considered this subject,but I must
} confess that omniscience does not require that the answer to each
} question be at the forefront of one's mind.  There are several theories
} regarding this phenomena.
}
} The first is based on the fact that though the pun is often referred
} to as the lowest form of humor, it is one to which most people almost
} universally appreciate.  This theory states that it is not the pain
} of hearing the pun itself that hurts, but the instant of thinking
} "Why didn't I come up with that first?"  Medically speaking, this
} phenomena is known by the name of "Punus Envy."  However, as even
} people who eschew puns often find themselves suffering this, this
} theory is not all encompassing enough to be a complete answer.
}
} The second theory states that most humor is had at the expense of
} someone else's embarassment or suffering, hence, a pun is humor based
} on one's own embarassment or suffering.  To test and demonstrate this
} theory, I'll need some help..... hmmmm
}
} O: Hoi, ZADOC!!!!
}
} Z: (Crawling through doorway prostrate, banging head on floor)
} Yes, your illustriousness! Oh, provider of Wisdom to the universe!
} Sagacious keeper of the secrets of ages! He who knows the unknown
} passages in the Necronomicon!  You whose sweaty socks  I am unfit to
} gag upon!
}
} O: Silence, Zadoc, you snivelling Worm!  It took you a full half
} second to crawl in here!  How dare you keep me waiting?
}
} Z: (wailing)  Mercy, you pusullaminous Pontificance! (rends robe)
} I stand before you, Mighty One, an abject ball of slime!  I am as
} W**dch*ck snot beneath your gaze!
}
} O: (aside)  He's in rare form today...
}
} Z: (continuing) Rend me with your talons of wit, that I may better
} serve you!  Blast me, Lord of The Library of Olympus, that I might
} glow and be a small sliver of light by which you may read!  Squash me
} like the w......
}
} O:  Enough, Zadoc!
}
} Z:  Master?
}
} O:  Just proving a point.  (flips hand negligently) You may go now...
}
} Z: (Wailing louder, crawling backwards, and beating head harder
} against floor) Oh, I have been found even more unworthy!  To be
} denied the Penance of the Holy *ZOT!* Woe! Woe is m.... (mercifully,
} this is cut off by the shutting of the door)
}
} You see, supplicant, even the anticipation of pain inflicted, in this
} case Zadoc's pain, proves humorous.  It is however, the emotional
} pain which the pun is concerned with, so this theory, I am afraid,
} finds itself incomplete, though moving towards the right track.
}
} Okay, so I just wanted to torment Zadoc.....
}
} All in all, the answer lies in simple chemistry.  A true pun, when
} correctly used, momentarily stuns the hearers, producing a brief
} instant of pain.  The body, in reaction, pours out seratonin and other
} such chemicals almost instantly to dull the pain, leaving a warm and
} fuzzy feeling, and occasionally producing euphoria.  (Hence the stifled
} giggles that often follow the groans of pain when a pun is uttered).
}
} You owe the Oracle some Monet, because he's Baroque.


1134-04    (36ggr dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I trust him this time?
>
> Hillary

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, absolutely.  Tenzing Norgay is the best sherpa you've ever worked
} with, and, while you've had your troubles in the past, I'm quite
} confident that you two will reach the summit this time.
}
} By the way, old chap... About 600 metres from the summit you'll
} probably come across what's left of that Mallory bloke.  I recommend
} taking his camera, if you plan on getting an credit whatsoever for
} this little expedition.  And don't forget the letter he's got in his
} pocket.
}
} You know what you owe the Oracle?  You owe the Oracle ONE HUMBLE
} READER who'll know what I'm talking about and think it's funny.  JUST
} ONE!!  Damn, I laughed myself silly writing this, and nobody is going
} to get the joke.  Rats.
}
} Oh, and renew my subscription to National Geographic.
}
} <<Editor's note:  This Oracularity is reprinted from the archives of
} The Telex Oracle, dated January 1953.>>


1134-05    (bnma2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,what is behind the human race?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beer companies, Cigarette companies, Athletic Shoe companies, Tire
} companies, Snack Food companines, Automobile companies, Search
} engines, HMOs, and Dairy Farmers, judging by the endorsements.
}
} The thing to remember is that the Human Race is just like NASCAR, only
} without the weight limitations, apparantly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a swoosh.


1134-06    (aoif1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, who is beyond time and computer bugs, please tell me:
>
> What will really happen on New Year 2000? Will everything crash and
> water and electricity not work? Or will everything be all right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hush young supplicant; don't say a word
} Orrie's gonna cite a poetic blurb
} And if that blurb don't rest your fear
} The Y2K will soon be here.
}
} Fire balls falling from the sky
} Plagues of locusts, too, will fly
} Boiling seas and blood to drink
} Every fright and the kitchen sink
}
} When the power systems fail
} Close your eyes and face your hell
} No more Internet to surf
} No more artificial turf
}
} Molten lava from the seas
} Deep enough to reach your knees
} Screaming children from next door
} Spilling milk upon your floor
}
} If you agonize o'er the raze
} Remember you've got another seventy days
} Sleep now supplicant; rest your eyes
} You owe the Oracle a pack of lies


1134-07    (9pl94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does she act that way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's hard to say, really.  Maybe she was hit by a stray bolt of
} lightning as a child; maybe she just really, really wants attention.
} But any way you slice it, Scary Spice has got to go.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of what you want, what you really really
} want.


1134-08    (3ehnb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "No questions? Whaddaya mean, 'no questions?' Zadoc! Hoi, Zadoc!"
}
} Zadoc failed to shuffle in backwards on his knees.
}
} "Hmm, I wonder where he could have gotten off to. Hey Lisa, have you
} seen Zadoc? Lisa?"
}
} There was no response. I wandered out of the Oracular chamber and in to
} the bedroom. Lisa wasn't there. In fact, not only was Lisa not there,
} but none of her stuff was there. Her walk-in closet was even missing,
} which was a neat trick, since it was built into the wall. I returned to
} the Oracular chamber.
}
} "Hmm... This is odd. I'll bet the woodchucks are behind it. I'll give
} them such a ZOT..." That's when I noticed the Staff of Zot was missing.
} Something weird was happening.
}
} Fighting down the sinking feeling I was beginning to have, I went out
} into the supplicant's area. No one was there. Taking the steps three at
} a time, I ran down into the priests' quarters. Not a soul.
}
} "Okay, think. You're omniscient, after all, aren't you? So why don't
} you know what's happening?"
}
} I started back towards the chamber, then had a thought and veered off
} towards the research lab. Or rather, where the research lab used to be.
} Instead of finding rows of cages filled with woodchucks, I found an
} empty room. It wasn't empty as if someone had cleared out the contents.
} It was empty as if there never had been anything in there.
}
} As I was running back to the chamber, I skidded to a halt at the door
} to the priests' quarters, except now it wasn't there anymore.
} Considering I had just come from there, it was a bit unsettling that it
} was now missing. I needed to get to the bottom of this fast.
}
} I went back upstairs into the Oracular Chamber, which I immediately
} realized was odd because there was supposed to be a long supplicants'
} hall in between the stairs and the chamber. The world was closing in on
} me, and I didn't have a clue as to why.
}
} I leaned over the terminal that was still there, thank gods, and
} started typing furiously. The rest of the chamber was rather empty. The
} Throne of Command was gone. The vast array of advanced computers and
} other bizarre machinery, gone. The fancy tilework and mosaics were gone
} too, as was the door to my bedroom. I caught a flicker of motion out of
} the corner of my eye, and turned just in time to fail to see the door I
} had just used vanish. It was just me, in an empty room with no exits,
} and a computer terminal.
}
} I turned back to the terminal, and saw nothing but the text of the
} message staring me in the face. I sat down and continued to stare in a
} state of shock. Everything I had, everything I was, seemed to have just
} vanished. Everything except this one terminal. I could not puzzle it
} out.
}
} Suddenly, the new mail message popped up. I touched the keyboard
} cautiously, but it seemed solid enough. I opened the new message and
} read:
}
}      Return-Path: <kinzler@alamode.hmrc.kines.umich.edu>
}      Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 02:16:25 -0500 (EST)
}      Subject: In-Joke Cache.
}      To: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
}
}      Just to let you know, I've cleared the In-Joke cache. The
}      priests have been complaining for an age, so I finally decided
}      to fix it. I was planning to just reduce it a bit, but I don't
}      think it's ever been properly maintained, so the easiest thing
}      to do was just wipe it out and start fresh.
}
}      You can finally say good-bye to all those hoary old references
}      to woodchucks, Lisa, Zadoc, Kendai, Siamese Fighting Fishes,
}      Og, the Midnight Queue Drainer, all of it. You have a clean
}      slate. You don't have to worry about back history, or any of
}      that stuff that was tying you down. You can just get right to
}      the point of answering questions. No need to thank me. It's
}      something that's been long overdue.                  -sk
}
} Oh. That explained it pretty well then. Without all the back-story and
} in-jokes, my world is pretty much reduced to sitting in front of a
} terminal, answering questions.
}
} "Well, then! It's what I've always wanted, right? No distractions from
} the job at hand! It's what all the priests and rhoddites have wanted
} too! It's the answer to all our prayers!"
}
} I brought the original message back up:
}
} > The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask.
}
} "A bit of a puzzler, but it shouldn't be any problem with all those
} annoying side characters out of the way. Let's see... Can't be cheap
} and give a one-line response. Should be something funny and relevant...
} Hmmm...
}
} "Zadoc! Ho... oh, yeah. No cop-outs. This time, it's all original. All
} I have to do is give a funny response of decent length to a rather
} open-ended supplication without resorting to any of the old stand-bys."
}
} You owe the Oracle some new in-jokes really fast!


1134-09    (bele8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's no way you're going to get me to ask some "Oracle" a question!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you see in the picture below?
}
}                    &&&
} &&%%         @#$@     )-0----
}   )))))))))))))))))@@@
}          L__________________|
}                             |
}                 +++         |
}
} If you just said "What the hell was that?" then I win.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"


1134-10    (2giie dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ACTGC ATGAT CTACC ATGGC AATAG CCGCT ACTCA TGTAC GTAGC TGCTA GCATC GCGCT
> ATGCT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGAC TGCTA GCATC GATCG
> ATCGA TCGTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA CTAAA CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCG CGCTA TATAC
> GATCG CCTAT GCTCA GCTAG CGGCT GCGCA TATAT TCGCG GCGCG CGCGC GATAT ATATA
> TAAAT TACGC GAGTC GTCAG CTAGC TAGCT ACGAC TTGCA TGCAG TCGCA TGACC TGGTC
> CATCA TGTCG TCCTG CGTTC GGTCT GCTGC TGCGT CGACC CCCTA ATTAG GTTAG CCTGA
> TGCTC GCCGG CATGC GATCG ATCGA CTAAA CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCG CGCTA TATAC
> GATCG CCTAT GCTCA GCTAG CGGCT GCGCA TATAT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC
> GATCG ATCGA TCGAC TGCTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA CTAAA
> CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC GATAT TACGC GAGTC
> GTCAG CTAGC TAGCT ACGAC TTGCA TGCAG TCGCA TGACC TGGTC CATCA TGTCG TCCTG
> CGTTC GGTCT GCTGC TGCGT CGACC CCCTA ATTAG GTTAG CCTGA TGCTC GCCGG CATGC
> GATCG ATCGA CTAAA CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCG CGCTA TATAC GATCG CCTAT GCTCA
> GCTAG CGGCT GCGCA TATAT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGAC
> TGCTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGCT GCGCA TATAT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC
> GATCG ATCGA TCGAC TGCTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGGC ATGAT CTACC ATGGC AATAG
> CCGCT ACTCA TGTAC GTAGC TGCTA GCATC GCGCT ATGCT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT
> GCATC GATAT TACGC GAGTC

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see.
}
} The first sequence controls the ability to chuck lumber and the...
}
} Hey, wait just one cotton pickin' minute here!
}
} <zot!>


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