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Internet Oracularities #1136

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1136, 1136-01, 1136-02, 1136-03, 1136-04, 1136-05, 1136-06, 1136-07, 1136-08, 1136-09, 1136-10


Internet Oracularities #1136    (61 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 16:26:47 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Happy New Year / Century - 1 / Millennium - 1 !!!

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1136
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1136  61 votes 3jmb6 emi52 clbc5 7clg5 ahm84 59cmd 6jjd4 3fpe4 5cffe 5akga
1136  3.0 mean  3.0   2.3   2.6   3.0   2.7   3.5   2.8   3.0   3.3   3.3


1136-01    (3jmb6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All the other dwarves make me sick! They are lazy and goo-goo eyed over
> some broad we brought into to do the house keeping.  Bah! Work! Work I
> say, we're dwarves damn it! We should be in dark tunnels looking for
> sparling treasures not chasing skirts!  How can I get my co-workers
> back on task?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sympathise, Grumpy. There's nothing like the intrusion of a female
} to disrupt the cameraderie and jolly locker room ambience of an
} all-male team like yours.
}
} My advice to you is, don't fight it. In fact, encourage intimacy to
} develop, and sooner rather than later your house keeper will discover
} that dwarf genitalia are proportionate to body size, upon which she'll
} hastily put a stop to any further amorous advances. Things will then
} get back to normal.
}
} Failing that, try fruit. I'm told it often helps in these cases.


1136-02    (emi52 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, who has seen the script for Episode III, who
> knows which projects will be released and which will be canceled, and
> who can tell from the title whether a movie will suck or be incredibly
> cool...
>
> I've heard you are in possession of a biography of Harry Knowles (of
> Ain't It Cool News) with a copyright date of 2128. Would you care to
> share some of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.
}
} "The End."
}
} You owe the Oracle a catchphrase.


1136-03    (clbc5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Remember me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello Orrie, hello Lisa, here I am at Camp Queue-lotta
} Camp is very, entertaining,
} and they say we'll have some fun if someone stops midnight draining.
}
} All the priests
} Hate the interns,
} And the temple, it smells of rug burns.
} And the head guy
} Wants no sissies,
} So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.
}
} Now I don't want
} this to scare yer;
} But my digestion rate
} has been a failure,
} You remember, Laurel & Hardy,
} they're about to throw their first "I got digested" party.
}
} Take me home, Orrie and Lisa.
} Take me home, I hate Queue-lotta.
} Don't leave me out, in the `Net where
}   I might get ignored by a droll priest who don't care.
} Take me home, I promise I will not ask questions
} Or mess around again during confessions,
} Oh please don't make me stay!
} I've been waiting for an answer for ONE -- WHOLE -- DAY.
}
} Wait a minute...
} I got mail!
} Modem's blinking.
} I got an answer, that shows signs of thinking!
} I laughed out loud...gee, that's better!
}
} Orrie, Lisa, kindly disregard this letter!
}
} You owe the Oracle a rendition of Dance of the Hours done
} while dressed up like Allan Sherman.


1136-04    (7clg5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's integrity is never compromised, whose organization
> never suffers from nepotism, -
>
> -aren't there some conflict of interest rules about fraternization
> amoungst the priesthood?  I mean how come Dave and Julsy get away with
> it?  Shouldn't they be immuned to receiving one anothers questions or
> something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Push your chair back from the monitor. Now stand and peek over
} your cubicle's barrier.
}
} See those other people?
}
} Don't look shocked. You've known they're there. Now watch for
} a second, yes, over there. Look! Two people talking to each
} other -face to face-. No email, no cell phone, no instant
} messages, no voice mail.
}
} Is this A Bad Thing?
}
} Yes, it is.
}
} As you've so astutely pointed out people should not have any
} dealings with their cow-orkers outside of severely regulated
} and formalized situations. In fact, as you further discerned,
} people who actually know each other, should not even be allowed
} to exchange email, phone calls, instant messages or voice mail.
}
} Here at The Internet Oracle(tm) World Headquarters in the
} heart of Indiana (The Crossroads of America), we like to
} think of ourselves at the forefront of The Future. As such
} we strive for depersonalizing anonymity in all we do. Why,
} the very structure of the Oracle service is based on people
} not doing who they are talking to nor even why. We can
} proudly say that in 42% of our email exchanges the parties
} involved aren't even sure what the other person is trying
} to say. Our goal is to have completely disassociated the human
} element from all communications, at all levels, by 2038.
}
} I thank you for pointing out an area we currently need to
} work on, and believe me you, we have a crack team working
} on the problem even as we speak. In keeping with our policy
} of anonymous efforts though I am quite proud to report that
} even I, the all knowing Oracle, really have no idea who is
} on that crack team and what they are up to, a state hopefully
} shared by the members of that crack team...though there is
} really no way for me to find out, or for they themselves
} to ascertain.
}
} Thank you for sharing your concerns.
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 huge black, hooded cloaks for the
} next office party.


1136-05    (ahm84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why did the boss ask everyone to leave early?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your boss is a considerate and fair person. The decision to leave
} early was made in order to reduce stress and foster a more harmonious
} working environment. Besides, didn't you find that the fire alarms
} were beginning to hurt your ears?


1136-06    (59cmd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oooo!  Ooooo!  Mr. Oracle, pick meee!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great, just what I need. A talking nose.


1136-07    (6jjd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, who forseeth all things USENET-y,
>
> What is it with these WebTV losers who keep spamming groups like
> alt.teens.16-18 with their personal email, and replies to posts with no
> context given just to say "me too" or "send me your picture"? How did
> the WebTV people ever manage to provide a service so shoddy that people
> can do these things apparently by accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Me too.
}
} ______________________________________________________
} Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com


1136-08    (3fpe4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A lower-case "i", upside down.
}
} A naked man bending down, seen from behind.
}
} A snake wearing a monocle.
}
} A question mark, after it's been ironed.
}
} Someone is about to hit a cue ball with a pool stick.
}
} "Family Dog" seen from 1000 miles above.
}
} A period that sneezed and hasn't wiped it up yet.
}
} A man with a big nose, sleeping with his eyes closed.
}
} A bowling ball, viewed from far away, with a line to help find it.
}
} A falling meteorite with a trail behind it.
}
} A stalagtite with a puddle of water below.
}
} A wordless exclamation!
}
} A tree, upside down, with very few branches.
}
} ASCII code 33 (decimal) or 21 (hex).
}
} A golf hole with a flag in it.
}
} A big straw in a teensy-weensy cup.
}
} A "One Way" sign seen from above.
}
} A man standing on his head, wearing a white collar.
}
} Every wise saying ever uttered by Al Gore,
}     self-proclaimed inventor of the Internet!
}
} A peanut with attitude.
}
} Morse Code for either A (.-) or N (-.).
}
} You owe The Oracle an analysis of
}     @
} and also a free E-mail system that doesn't add a signature line.


1136-09    (5cffe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Fascinating of Oracles, tell me...
>
> What is your top 10 list of the most interesting people of century?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, okay. Note some of these people were born in 1800's, but all
} achieved their greatest success in 1900's.
}
} 10) Nikola Tesla: inventor of the radio and electric lights. Both
}     inventions stolen from him, mostly due to the fact he was stark
}     raving mad. Coolest point: He prevented Edison from getting
}     a Noble Prize by refusing to appear on stage to get a joint
}     Noble Prize with his former boss Edison.
}     more info at:
}     http://www.neuronet.pitt.edu/~bogdan/tesla/
}
} 09) William S. Burroughs: author of "The Western Lands" and
}     "Naked Lunch". Coolest point: his father owned American
}     Arithmometer Company, precursor to today's computer industry.
}     William (a heroin addict) was given $1000 a month to
}     stay out of sight, didn't work.
}     more info at:
}     http://www.bigtable.com/
}
} 08) Benazir Bhutto: first female leader of an Islamic nation,
}     just you try and do that. Smart, tough as nails and beautiful
}     to boot, erm, not that matters mind you. Coolest point:
}     She's a fox. Oh yeah and smart too. Great personality!!
}     More info at:
}     http://www.wic.org/bio/bbhutto.htm
}
} 07) Richard Dawkins: Advocate of 'memes', took the idea
}     of words as viruses to new heights, humans are but tools
}     -of- ideas. Coolest point: Proved that altruism is a myth,
}     you only do things for you, Mother Teresa as selfishness
}     incarnate.
}     More info at:
}     http://www.world-of-dawkins.com/
}
} 06) Philip K. Dick: Greatest Sci-fi writer of all time, too bad he
}     when nuts from too much speed and acid. Coolest point: lived
}     near Richard Nixon's birthplace as part of plan controlled by
}     concepts spelled out in the Nag Hammadi, well that's what
}     Dick thought...
}     more info at:
}     http://www.users.interport.net/~regulus/pkd/pkd-int.html
}
} 05) B.F. Skinner: behaviorist, outlined the way human's brains
}     worked. No, he did not raise his daughter in a glass box!
}     Coolest point: taught pigeons to fly bombers
}     More info:
}     http://www.lafayette.edu/allanr/skinner.html
}
} 04) Frida Kahlo: Artist, the Oracle loves her stuff, she's way,
}     way out there. Coolest point: See some of her work.
}     More info at:
}     http://www.cascade.net/kahlo.html
}
} 03) Norman Mailer: author of 'Ancient Evenings' and 'The American
}     Dream', the first about a way to live forever that actually
}     works, the second about how an American icon family has used
}     God's one lie to mankind to create an empire. Creepy Stuff.
}     Coolest point: likes to challenge people to head butting
}     contests when drunk
}     More info at:
}     http://www.iol.ie/~kic/
}
} 02) Alan Keyes: inflammatory orator, loves nothing better than
}     telling the truth to people that don't want to hear it.
}     Coolest point: Goes ballistic when anyone calls President
}     Clinton the first black president.
}     More info at:
}     http://www.keyes2000.org/
}
} 01) Francis Fukyama: The current top of the heap in social
}     analysis. You want to understand now? Read Fukyama.
}     Coolest point: Does not have a fan-boy web site anywhere.
}     below link is to an interview with Fukyama.
}     More info at:
}     http://www.booknotes.org/transcripts/50062.htm
}
} You owe yourself a look into the lives of all these folks.


1136-10    (5akga dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Terrible Oracle, you scare the stuff out of me.  I try to hide under
> the kitchen table whenever I hear your name.  This doesn't work very
> well, because my dad kicks the dog under the table, and when I'm kicked
> I sound just like the dog.
>
> I want to make money betting on sports events like my Uncle Pootie
> does.  He wins every time, but he won't tell me his secret.  He says,
> "Eat more beans, kid."  Well, I tried that, and it doesn't work.  It
> makes me poot more (like Uncle Pootie does), but it doesn't make any of
> my predictions work.  So far I have gotten every single one of them
> wrong.  Thank goodness I didn't bet any money on them.  He bets almost
> entirely on local boxing matches, the ones held out behind the hunting
> club (unless they get raided by the sheriff).  Can you tell me Uncle
> Pootie's secret method?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: What's next on the docket?
}
} Clerk: Question number Qdqd12_, one count of child abuse, 12 counts
} of illegal gambling, and one count of public flatulance.
}
} Oracle: Ahem. . .
}
} Clerk: Oh, and one count of wasting the Oracle's time.
}
} Oracle: Good.  How does the defendant plead?
}
} Qdqd12_: I plead answerable, your Honour.
}
} Oracle: None of that British crap in my court!
}
} Qdqd12_: Sorry, your Honor.
}
} Oracle: Bail recommendation?
}
} Sam Waterston: Request that question be held without bail, on flight
} risk.
}
} Andy Griffith: Your honor, my client has close ties with the
} community. . .
}
} SW: Your Honor, questions of this type have been known to be out of
} jurisdiction within 24 hours if not attended to.
}
} Oracle: Point taken.  Defendant is remanded pending trial.
}
} <Time Passes. . . >
}
} SW: Now, Mr. Incarnation, when you read the question, what was your
} immediate reaction?
}
} Incarnation: I was a bit put off.  It wasn't that good as answer
} fodder.  I mean the question fished for an answer, namely that the
} uncle rigged boxing matches.  Admittedly, the character of the uncle
} as a semi-hick comes through rather well, but it's rather depressing.
}
} SW: What did you do?
}
} Inc: Well, I thought I might have the Oracle ZOT the guy, as the grovel
} wasn't up to par.  But I try not to do that; I know a ZOT ruins my day.
}
} SW: So what did you end up doing?
}
} Inc: I was inspired to write a trial scene where the answerability
} of the question was at issue.
}
} AG: Objection!  The witness is meta-questioning!
}
} Oracle: Sustained.  The witness will refrain from making things any
} more confused.
}
} SW: No more questions at this time.
}
} AG: So, you were able to come up with a satisfactory reply?
}
} Inc: Well, not one with immediate relevance to the question.  Not one
} that I could bash out as if from the head of Zeus.
}
} AG: But a funny one?
}
} Inc: If I didn't think it was, I wouldn't have sent it.
}
} AG: One that might even make the Digests?
}
} SW: Objection! Witness is not a priest and has no idea how to make
} it into the Digests!
}
} Oracle: Sustained.
}
} AG: Did writing this answer inconvenience you in any way?
}
} Inc: Well, not so much.  I really wasn't that busy, but, but, but
} that question left no room for creativity!  It's not even something
} anyone could want to know!  I'd rather have a null question!
}
} Oracle: <Bangs gavel> Order! Order!
}
} <More time passes. . . >
}
} AG: Your honor, I call the defendant to the stand.
}
} <Qdqd12_ moves to the stand in a way that only physically existing
} questions can>
}
} AG: Mr. d12_, what do you do?
}
} Qdqd12_: I'm a question.  I basically worry people until someone
} comes along and answers me.
}
} AG: So you have no means of support?
}
} Qdqd12_: That's right.  All I have to look forward to is a long time
} in a smelly queue, and then erasure from existence once my minuscule
} purpose has been filled.
}
} AG: And who brought you to this state?
}
} Qdqd12_: It was him!! The Supplicant!
}
} <All stare in horror at the grim figure of the Supplicant, who then
} turns and runs from the room>
}
} AG: <Turns to jury> Ladies and Gentlemen, are you going to let a poor,
} destitute question like this be branded a pariah simply because it
} happens to mention something a little nasty?
}
} <Yet more time passes. . . >
}
} Oracle: Madame foreperson, have you reached a verdict?
}
} Foreperson: We have, your Honor.
}
} Oracle: How do you find?
}
} Foreperson: We find the defendant not guilty of all counts except
} that of wasting the Oracle's time, on which we find the defendant
} guilty by reason of uninterestingness.
}
} Oracle: Thank you.  The Question is sentenced to be answered by a
} ridiculous premise.
}
} AG: <to Qdqd12_> Don't worry, we'll appeal to the Priesthood.  If they
} Digest you, you can find work as an entertainer. . .
}
} Oracle: The following people owe the following fees:
}
} The Supplicant: Uncle Pootie's winnings.
} The Incarnation: $20,000, to pay as appearance fees to Sam Waterston
} and Andy Griffith.
} The Foreperson: a date.
}
} Court is adjourned.


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