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Internet Oracularities #1137

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Internet Oracularities #1137    (71 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 12:01:40 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1137
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1137  71 votes cdhja gqp13 3esfb ing86 3gsk4 37ivc cjnc5 4hve5 05nrg 1fye7
1137  3.0 mean  3.0   2.3   3.2   2.5   3.1   3.6   2.7   3.0   3.8   3.2


1137-01    (cdhja dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Letting the ZOTs go by
> Letting the woodchucks hold me
> Letting the ZOTs go by
> Woodchucks flowing under
> Into the queue again
> After the digest's forgotten
> Once in a tellme
> Woodchucks flowing under

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And you may askme yourself
} How do I answer this?
} And you may askme yourself
} Where is that witty answer?
} And you may tellme yourself
} This is not a digestible answer!
} And you may tellme yourself
} This is not my stunning insight!
} Letting the questions go by/let the drainers suck me down
} Letting the queue go by/coffee flowing over grounds
} Into the queue again/after the answers done
} Once in a lifetime/I get a funny one
}
} Queued Up as it ever was...Queued Up as it ever was...
} Queued Up as it ever was...Queued Up as it ever was...
} Queued Up as it ever was...
}
} Questions are hilarious and answers are straight
} Questions are timely and answers are late
} Questions all come from you know who
} Questions don't ask what I want them to
} Questions just twist words around
} Questions are asking turned inside out
} Questions are included in The Best Of's and
} Questions of nothing I get too often
} Questions don't strain or cause a blur
} Questions go out and come back in
} Questions are written all over the place
} Questions continue to be written by a million apes
}
} I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...
} I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...
} I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing..---------------------.
}
} You owe the Oracle The King's Lead Hat.


1137-02    (gqp13 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose front lawn is always up to "Better Homes and
> Gardens" standards, please hear our plea.
>
> Our boss passed away last year and we've been out of work ever since.
> Is there a place in the world for three, out-of-work hand puppets?
>
> Sincerely,
> Lambchop, Hushpuppy and Charlie Horse

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be strong; think of your less fortunate bretheren, like poor Pedro
} Wences. Nobody even asks if's OK anymore. And being, as he is, a head
} in a closed box, you can imagine that his answer would not be 's all
} right.
}
} You owe The Oracle a current address for Wilkins & Wontkins.


1137-03    (3esfb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear merciful and compassionate Oracle,
>
> Every now and then, when I'm feeling bored or depressed, I do a few
> tellmes.  But sometimes I send in a few lame questions.  Real stinkers
> that I'd hate to have to answer myself.  So then I feel guilty for days
> on end for having jammed the queue full of such tripe.  I need to end
> this nasty habit.  Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Below is an overview of types of questions listed from
}  most annoying to least annoying. Most annoying is at the top.
}  The further you go down the list the less annoying it is...
}  Try and ask questions of the type further down the list.
}
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ annoying section ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
}  The W-dc-k question
}  Crossover questions
}  Disguised W-dc-k questions
}     * the three above are trite formula questions, kind of a fill
}       in the blank mentality, no creativity needed
}
}  Questions involving any television shows
}     * TV is so sad, yet it is embarrassing to see how many supplicants
}       seem to know more about "Friends" than politics
}
}  My KEYbRds NoTWRKING jokes/question in rot-13
}     * overdone
}
}  Steve Wright's work passed off as a question.
}     * Steve Wright is -funny-, but use your own work please.
}
}  Foul language, inappropriate sexual/scat "jokes"
}
}  The actual question "What is the meaning of life?"
}
}  Zen koans (sound of one hand/tree in forest) and "joke" koans.
}
}  Complaints about incarnations/Oracle in general
}     * How this is supposed to help is lost on me
}
}  Purely rhod-centric in-jokes
}     * many of these seem like people wanting to be "known" as
}       someone mentioned in a digest
}
}  Bill Gates bashing
}     * Bill Gates sux, Windows sux, we all agree. But these
}       questions are like shooting fish in a barrel for a
}       crowd that wants it done and has seen it before, OLD HAT.
}
}  Questions about the staff, (Lisa Og et al) or long involved
}  scenarios about the staff as though this was a sitcom.
}     * Some of these are written very, very well, but it wanders
}       from the Oracle's purpose. Lisa and Og and Zadoc are just
}       foils to be used when someone is needed for a conversation.
}
}  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[ above this line is annoying ]^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
}
}                      entering the hazy gray area
}
} _________________[ below this line is not annoying]_______________
}
}  Help! I'm in this weird situation Questions
}     * yes, they are formula questions, BUT they are asking a question
}       and they are rarely boring, but this is borderline
}
}  Questions involving the number 42, or other versions of Life,
}  the Universe, and Everything
}     * the Oracle can not deny this crowd is his audience
}
}   Lyrics to songs
}     * some song questions are really, really bad, some are brilliant
}
}   Questions with mangled grammar
}     * this is USENET, spelling errors happen, as does sloppy
}       grammar, but some questions should come with a decoder
}       ring
}
}   Questions about the current politics (anywhere)
}     * The -only- reason this isn't in the good question section
}       is that around the times of US Presidential contests the
}       political questions get so heated and partisan and frequent
}       it leaves a bad taste for months... Sigh, so right now I
}       could care less about political questions, but ask me around
}       a big election AND GRRRR!!!
}
} ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
}            *--- now entering the GOOD question realm ----*
} ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
}
}   Science Questions
}      * Hey, this is the future, we're talking on computers!
}        Let's show we aren't Og here can we
}
}   Computer Questions (-except- for Bill Gates bashing drivel)
}
}   Questions about any book
}
}   Questions about real life problems
}      * NOW we've got to why there -is- an Oracle, this is the job
}        team, yes lots is puppy-love stuff, but that is important
}        to the sad little things
}
}   Questions you'd ask a real-life Oracle if you had a chance
}   (as yourself or as a character from a book or from a
}    well-known real life person)
}      * Come on, if you could have any question in the world answered
}        would you ask a deity about TV or w..dch..ks??
}
}   ORIGINAL questions The Oracle has never seen before!
}      * BINGO, first prize, stun me!
}
} You owe the Oracle ten questions.


1137-04    (ing86 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (Here's hoping one of the funnier incarnations finds this,
> and that the priest who gets it actually has a clue about
> what's funny.)
>
> What, me worry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're MAD, MAD I tell you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bucket full of freckles.


1137-05    (3gsk4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dearest allknowing,
>
>      What's next after the Y2K-bug Hoax ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look for these hoaxes in the near future:
}
} The Ty2K Hoax--Where the Ty company will not actually stop making
} Beanie Babies but, in fact, double production and flood the market.
}
} The Y3M Hoax--The 3M company will announce a new miracle substance
} known internally as SPC-28P. They will claim it will cure everything
} from measles to AIDs. Alas! It all turns out to be an April Fools joke.
}
} The Y3D Hoax--Wherein it is revealed that the world only appears to
} be three-diminsional. Turns out that depth was only ever a theory
} and never proven. In June, it is revealed that depth is simply an
} optical illusion.
}
} The Y2B Hoax--The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is revealed to be
} a hologram produced by light hitting the exhaust smoke from an AMC
} Pacer a certain way.
}
} The U2 Hoax--As it turns out, Bono's real name is Craig, and he's
} from Boise, ID.
}
} The FUK Hoax--A rumor started by two teenagers in Manchester that,
} on July 4th, 2000, a small group of arsonists would set all the
} historical buildings in London aflame. All they really wanted was to
} get their local newscasters to say F-U-K on the air.
}
} The Y-OK Hoax--Wherein Americans are lulled into a false sense of
} security after the clock strikes midnight on January 1st and all
} their computers are still operating normally.
}
} You owe the Oracle a system backup.


1137-06    (37ivc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is lambda calculus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's that hot latin Calculus, forbidden in most centers of higher
} learning because it often leads to excessive curve fitting and
} oscillation.  Its re-discovery in the late 80s led to the production of
} several worthless texts, including Lambda: The Prohibited Calculus, and
} Lambda II: Dirty Derivative.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tangent line dance.


1137-07    (cjnc5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, you are my only hope!
>
> My turtle is looking very scuffed up these days, but I'm not sure which
> kind of turtle wax I should use to polish up her shell. How can I
> decide which one to use?
>
> --Buffy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be using linseed oil, rather than wax. That way the ball
} will leave the turtle in a more unpredictable direction. Not only will
} your innings last longer, but the turtle will have fewer scratches to
} boot.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why the Indies prefer using bats
} to turtles.


1137-08    (4hve5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, most fluid in thought and dance,
>
> Did people dance before the discovery of alcohol?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes... but not very well.
}
} You see, mortals require some degree of alcohol in order to get silly
} enough to actually dance. I don't know if you've ever sat on a couch
} during a party and watched other people dance during a party, but if
} you haven't, you really ought to. Observed objectively, it's one of
} the silliest sights in the world. Next to sex, of course.
}
} Which, come to think of it...
}
} Well, let's review some of the great dances in human history:
}
} OG DRINK FERMENTED BERRIES, HIT OGWA ON HEAD WITH BIG STICK I know,
} I know, it's a standard cartoon caricture, but, oddly enough, it *was*
} the first dance in human history. Admittedly, a very short dance,
} but it had quite a beat. (Sorry...)
}
} DRINK HONEY-LEFT-IN-POT-FOR-A-MOON, THEN DANCE AROUND BIG FIRE AND
} HAVE SEX A big hit during the Paleolithic. Fairly simple, as dances
} go, but it had, er, rhythm.
}
} DRINK BEER, DRESS UP LIKE LARGE BULLS AND HAVE SEX There's a theme
} here, you see. Obviously, the guys in the the temple of Ur decided
} that they had a good thing going. "Look, Pongo," said Smythe-St.
} John, "I have a *brilliant* idea! Let's all dress up like whacking big
} cattle with big, well, you know... the gels will absolutely love it.
} They haven't been out in *weeks*, you know..."
}
} Well, you get the idea...
}
} Look, my ISP is about to kick me off, so you'll yave to look up the
} next 7,000 years of alcohol/dance/sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quart of Wild Turkey, no clothes and a slow dance.


1137-09    (05nrg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-seeing Oracle,
>
> If you're really omniscient tell me what I'm thinking about right now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're thinking about that girl who... no, wait, you're thinking
} about the time that... no, wait, you're thinking about what you'd
} like to... no, wait, you're thinking about your sister's... no, wait,
} you're thinking about who should... no, wait, you're thinking about
} whether... no, wait...
}
} Oh, for crying out loud, if you're going to ask questions like that,
} would you be so kind as to lay off the caffeine first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half hour of meditation.


1137-10    (1fye7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Are there any separate thoughts or are they all part of a whole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is it really an either-or question, supplicant?  Surely grains of sand
} are discrete and finite, yet when taken as a whole, you have a beach, a
} singular object, which is composed of a plurality of singular objects.
} From the many comes the one.  From a multiplicity of individuals
} comes a singularity of a multitude.  As it is with sand, so it is
} with people.  Each is singular and complete, yet as a community,
} they are one.  A large group of people, with the intellect of one.
} This is the secret behing the popularity of the Backstreet Boys.
}
} You owe the Oracle a treatise on why groupthink is a bad thing.


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