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Internet Oracularities #1138

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Internet Oracularities #1138    (67 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 18:53:44 -0500 (EST)

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1138  67 votes 5bph9 6gjo2 3fD91 ilh92 8lq84 7ani9 4llh4 5lng2 87nef fhq63
1138  2.9 mean  3.2   3.0   2.9   2.3   2.7   3.2   2.9   2.8   3.3   2.5


1138-01    (5bph9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie, the mailman left this strange package from
> Hamburg, Germany adressed to you at my place by mistake.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sat on the sofa and looked at the package. It seemed innocent
} enough, but looks could be deceiving. I racked my mind trying to
} think of what it could be. There was no return address, only a
} postal stamp from Hamburg. I had no clue what it was. I was just
} about to have Zadoc open it, when it struck me. The last time I
} was in Hamburg...
}
} Good gods! I quickly threw the package into the tub and turned
} on the water. While I was doing that, Lisa grabbed the cordless
} and booked a flight for Tibet. I was going to do what should
} have been done a long time ago.
}
} The inn in Lhasa was silent as I shook the snow off my fur parka.
} There was a small fire blazing in the center of the room, casting
} orange highlights on the faces of the sherpas. I walked to the
} bar and ordered a brandy. I  would need the warmth.
}
} "What can I do for you?" said the barmaid.
}
} "A brandy, and some information," I said. "I'm looking for
} someone, someone by the name of ... Messner."
}
} I heard the slow drag of the chair as one of the sherpas stood up
} from his table. I didn't need to see the gun to know it was there. I
} dove over the bar and came up Zotting. The sherpas fell, one
} after another, not one even getting close enough to worry me.
} Then, the unfortunate thing happened. A Zot went wide, striking
} a sherpa in the arm. The man screamed in pain, then staggered
} through the fire, scattering burning embers throughout the bar.
}
} I climbed onto the bar and slid my Staff of Zot into my belt.
} Catching my breath, I leapt upward and caught the chandalier.
} Swinging halfway across the room, I pushed out with my feet,
} striking a sherpa squarely in the chest. Using the momentum of
} the kick, I swung back across the room. At the apex of my
} swing, I let go of the chandalier and dove through the window,
} landing in the snow below.
}
} I caught up to Messner halfway up the mountain. Even through
} the blinding snow, I could tell it was him. Nobody would venture
} into the Himalayas in a white leisure suit. He spotted me before
} I was close enough to Zot him and broke into a run.
}
} I chased him as well as I could, but soon lost him in the driving
} winds and snowfall. Suddenly, a shot rang out. I took cover
} behind the nearest boulder. When a second shot nearly
} knocked the feather off my cap, I knew which direction he was.
} Slowly, I crept around to the far side of the boulder. Sure
} enough, there was Messner, waiting for a shot. I set the staff on
} "stun" and zapped him. He was still twitching as I walked over
} to him.
}
} "Did you really think I would let you blackmail me, Reinhold?"
}
} "Orrie! Please, I don't know what you're talking about! I haven't
} told a soul about the fake yeti! Please! Please don't kill me!"
}
} "You're not blackmailing me?" I asked, stunned. "So what was
} in the box?"
}
} "What box? I didn't send you any box."
}
} Suddenly, it dawned on me. I returned to Lhasa to catch the next
} flight to New Delhi. Upon returning home, I walked directly to the
} bathroom, which now about two feet of water on the floor. There
} was the package, sitting on the bottom of my new lake. I reached
} down and tore open the water-logged package. There, before my
} stunned eyes, were my two tickets to the World Congress of
} Psychiatry, in Hamburg.


1138-02    (6gjo2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, sweeter than saccharine,
>
> I need to change my .plan file.  Can you provide me with one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why bother. I mean, putting your plans for global domination, by
} building an undersea fortress containing a doomsday bomb, in a
} globally accessible file is not exactly smart, but James Bond
} would have defeated you anyway. Why?
}
} (i) Posting hundreds of email messages directing people to
} 'Make TNT Fast' is not exactly the best method of constructing
} a doomsday bomb.
}
} (ii) It's bad enough taking a few minutes to describe your plans
} to Mr Bond before you kill him. But, sitting him in front of
} a screen while you construct a web site with shockwave and java
} was a definite bad move. And let's not even go into sending Mr
} Bond out for the Pizza and Mountain Dew.
}
} (iii) Perhaps you could have chosen just a *touch* less suspious
} looking domain name than www.ruletheworld.com.
}
} (iv) Given the amount of time you spend stroking that cat, and
} The fact that it has been given flea and/or worm treatment for
} eight years meant that all Mr Bond had to do was stake out your
} local pharmacist until he saw a customer walk in scratching himself
} in embarrassing places.
}
} And finally;
}
} (v) Notice that splashing sound? Remember that $200,000 you paid
} to consultants to make sure that your fortress was millenium
} compatible? Remember their thin little moustaches and shifty
} gazes?
}
} You owe The Oracle the explosives you collected. What? Two
} soggy cap-gun caps and a one inch firecracker?


1138-03    (3fD91 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Y2K compliant Oracle, since the whole Y2K thing turned out
> to be a false alarm, what should I do with the 200 gallons of bottled
> water and the 500 pounds of dried food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have three options here:
}
} 1) Save it for the binary millenium in 48 years time, when the world
} really *will* end.
}
} 2) Feed it to those greedy woodchucks. Dried food first, then the
} water. *Swell*.... *pop*. Heh.
}
} 3) Try and get your money back. Say that you wanted only 2
} gallons of bottled water and 5 pounds of dried food, and that some
} kind of Y2K bug messed up your order.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blast-hardened concrete bunker, and some
} of those freeze-dried strawberries.


1138-04    (ilh92 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Dr O, how's it been?
>
> Listen, I've got here a pensive caucasian male in his late twenties.
> Vitals are OK, good breath sounds l.a. Reflexes normal, no loss of
> sensory perception. Both funny bones missing. No medical history, no
> known allergies. Complains of low levels of blood, phlegm, and bile,
> lab tests not in yet. Occupied as a computer geek of some kind.
> Would you admit him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know what you're talking about.  I never saw him before, and
} anyone who says differently is LYING!!  Ahem.


1138-05    (8lq84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy doodly doo, Mr. Oracle.  The name's Talkie.  Talkie Toaster.
> Would you like some toast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh... first the freakin' dancing hand-blender, and now this? I mean,
} what's next... a singing refrigerator? What is it with interactive
} appliances? If I wanted to talk to the things that cook my food,
} I'd have kept my mother around.


1138-06    (7ani9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most employable,
> I know it's not hard to find work in this industry, but how did that
> guy manage to get a job here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kendai? Zadoc here.
} Who's next on the docket?
} What's his last name again?
} Uh-huh, got it. Yeah send him in.
}
} Ah, Mr. Brian Fred Zambi, is it?
} Oh well, close enough. Please, have a seat.
} Excuse me a second while I look over your resume.
} Hmm.
} Oh, and if I can offer you any refreshments, coffee, tea, soda ...
} No, I don't have any PEZ.
} What dispenser?
} You mean the staple... I see.
} No- No thank you. I, uh, I had some earlier.
} Really? No, I didn't know they were tangy.
} Ah, well, back to the matter at hand. Can you tell me a little about
}   your last job?
} No, I'm not familiar with that.
}
} So, you created the speed bump?
}
} Oh, I see, well, that explains the treadmarks.
}
} So why did you leave your last job?
} Hmm.
} Really.
} I see.
} Really?
} Yes, the jury certainly was lenient, weren't they?
}
} It says here that you graduated with a Masters in BioSciences.
} Hmm?
} Ah, yes, quite right. I did misread that.
} So does this "Master" have a degree?
} Yes, well, I may need to verify that, can I have his address?
} Oh, I understand.
} No, I'm sure I can find record of the incident at the morgue.
}
} Oh, one second while I take this call please.
}
} Oh man, it's the Head Cheese again. Wonder if it's serious or if he has
}   his head up his
} Yes Oh Wise One, Knower of All Things and Employer in Good Standing.
} The position?
} No Most Exaulted One, it's still open.
} Yes, we have been interviewing a lot of applicants, but none have proved
}   worthy of serving...
} He did not have the degree you requested, oh Lord of...
} She had minimal computer skills, Great Typer of ...
} Dead, and had been for some time, Grand Embalm...
} She was the one with the drooling problem, Wiper of...
} She kept explaining herself and was quite annoying, Summoner of...
} I am but a simple servant of your...
} Yes, I know that you need...
} Yes, I know it's quite urgent...
} But if the candidates are not ...
} No, I am NOT doing this to annoy you.
} Yes, Quite urgent indeed, Oh Repeater of...
} Right away, Grand Master of..
} Thank you, Merciful...
} Absolutely, Thank you Oh Patient...
} Hello?
} And the horse you rode in on, Great Breaker of Wind!
}
} *Sigh*
}
} Acquitted right?
}
} Never found the body, right?
}
}
} Congratulations, you're hired.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a W-2.


1138-07    (4llh4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, i humbly ask how i might best slice a pineapple

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way is slightly counterintuitive and somewhat dependant upon
} your chosen profession.
}
} If, for instance, you're a particle physisist working at Livermore
} Labs, you obviously want to use the Really Big laser. The has two
} additional benefits beyone the obvious: 1) the pineapple flesh is
} cautorized thus preventing splatter and 2) you don't need to clean up
} any silverware. Sadly the pineapple is sometime crushed down to the
} approximate denisty of neutronium and cooled to the point that it turns
} into an Einsetin-Bose condensate.
}
} If you're an Avionics Engineer, you need to dig out the Supersonic
} Frozen Chicken Launcher that is used to test the impact resistance of
} an F-15 cockpit. With a few minor monification, you'll have this thing
} launching pineapples instead of frozen chickens. The befenits are
} obvious and the results would even please Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
} The downside is that cleaning up the targert is a bitch.
}
} If you're a high powered stock broker unhindered by anything remembling
} ethics or morals (Warren Buffet, Mike Milken, Ivan Boesky, etc, etc)
} you'll need to purchase a controlling interest in Dupont. The
} possibilities here are endless and all qualify as excellent.
}
} My personal favorite is to just use an old Japanese Katana. It's simple
} and elegant, and it impressives the natives no end.


1138-08    (5lng2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one go about avoiding digestion, while still getting funny
> answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take your cue from modern medicine -- use encapsulation!  Simply
} write a great question, and wrap it in a coat of old marmot pelts,
} moldy scifi references, and stale in-jokes.  These items are certainly
} indigestible.  A clever incarnation will recognize this strategy
} and send a funny answer similarly coated.  The incarnations who
} aren't that clever... well, their answers weren't in any danger of
} digestion anyway, were they?
}
} As for the priests, they're clever enough, but most of them have
} had their own digestions ruined by a constant diet of the stale
} materials previously mentioned.  So they'll probably look away,
} nauseated, before they have a chance to recognize the funny bits
} encapsulated within.
}
} You owe the Oracle something -- anything! -- really fresh.


1138-09    (87nef dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what happens when i answer the question u send me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant who asked it resubmits question to me for a better
} answer.


1138-10    (fhq63 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, larger and more important than the vastness of Outer Space,
> tell me what happened to Y2K?   I thought everything was supposed to
> come crashing down, with electricity, telephones, banks, governments
> and maybe even Oracles unable to function.  You yourself probably would
> not have been able to get enough volts to ZOT anyone, already.
>
> Yet here we are, with the numbers clicked over to 2000, and everything
> is working normally.  All my fears were wasted!  What wnet wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap>
}
} <Knock Knock Knock>
}
} Er, Hello?
}
} Is anybody there?
}
} Hmm, Where's everybody gone? The Oracluar Temple seems very quiet
} today. I doubt if I'll even need to clean the place, no-one seems to
} have made any mess at all.
}
} It looks like the Oracle has left his terminal on. Thats rather remiss
} of one so wise. I've always wanted to have a go at one of these
} questions!! Lets see what it says!
}
} > O Oracle, larger and more important than the vastness of Outer Space,
} > tell me what happened to Y2K?   I thought everything was supposed to
} > come crashing down, with electricity, telephones, banks, governments
} > and maybe even Oracles unable to function.  You yourself probably
} > would not have been able to get enough volts to ZOT anyone, already.
} >
} > Yet here we are, with the numbers clicked over to 2000, and everything
} > is working normally.  All my fears were wasted!  What wnet wrong?
}
} Tsk Tsk Tsk, look at all the dusk on this keyboard! The Oracle
} definately hasn't been here all day, his whizzing fingers would have
} kept this baby dust free for sure. Now, where did I put that Mr
} Muscle.........
}
} <Tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap>
}
} <shuffle crash bang>
}
} <Tip tap tip tap tip tap tip tap>
}
} <hisssssSSSS>
}
} Ah thats better.
}
} Now, what have we here..... Y2K you say? Hmm,
} electricity....hmmm...crashing down..... Oracles unable to function!!!
} My God! Maybe thats what happenned!! The Oracle has been struck down!
} No wonder its so quiet today.
}
} This has got to be contained, got to be kept under wraps. I dont want
} to be resonsible for worldwide panic. Think dammit, think.
}
} Got it,
}
} Here is what I'll put:-
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Nothing to worry about mate, er, Supplicant. (Ahem)
} } Everthing is just fine here, Lisa, Og, Woodc***ks, questions, etc.
} } See?
} }
} } Right.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a new can of Mr Muscle
}
} Phew, that outta do it. Plus I really COULD do with a new can of Mr
} Muscle.  So much marble to polish round this place......
}
} Hang On, I hear something.....  <tip tap tip tap tip tap>
}
} Its the Oracle!!!
}
} "Now Now Arkon, you know you're not supposed to touch the Oracular
} Terminal"
}
} Yes sir, sorry sir, but I thought you were gone.
}
} "Gone? Whatever gave you that idea? Truth of the matter is I just
} couldn't handle answering another of those damned Y2K questions!
} You should see them all! Will the world come to an end? Will the
} banks all crash? Will I be able to find new batteries for my electric
} can opener? Dont they realize that the millenium isn't until the
} end of NEXT year? Fools! The queue has been clogged up with them for
} weeks now. I just hought I'd go for a walk, clear my head and try to
} hold off from ZOTTing them."
}
} "However, it seems that SOMEOME has decided to do my job for me.
} Now, you KNOW the punishment for that, don't you Arkon?"
}
} Yes sir, Sorry s---ZOTT---
}
} "Really, Good staff is so hard to find....."


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