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Internet Oracularities #1139

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1139, 1139-01, 1139-02, 1139-03, 1139-04, 1139-05, 1139-06, 1139-07, 1139-08, 1139-09, 1139-10


Internet Oracularities #1139    (67 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 08:50:02 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   1139
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1139  67 votes mrc60 hncc3 dkkc2 6jhh8 bgje7 4eyc3 akmd2 39rl7 5llb9 9fckb
1139  2.8 mean  2.0   2.4   2.6   3.0   2.9   2.9   2.7   3.3   3.0   3.1


1139-01    (mrc60 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have all the funny questions gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gone to young men living in boxes made of ticky-tacky, every one.
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer to the question, "When will they ever
} learn?"


1139-02    (hncc3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help, I'm drowning in the queue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm busy draining it.
}
} -- The Queue Drainer.


1139-03    (dkkc2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <click> How much wood would a woodch <click> would a crossover between
> Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Dracula be <click> happened to Phoebe
> anyway? In the last <click> ySpaceBarIsNotWork <click> vs n jbbqpuhpx
> pbhyq puhpx <click> another word for "thesaurus"? <click> who lived in
> Virginny / Had a <click> What is the meaning of <click> want the
> toaster to be happy <click> can I find a German oracle? <click> RED
> PIRANHA FISH! <click> and his house probably hasn't survived Y2K
> <click> 'nt heard from Ogwa in a long <click>
>
> No, there's nothing on TV this evening.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kid, that's not a TV, that's a PC.
}
} You owe the Oracle the patent for your newsgroup remote control.


1139-04    (6jhh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, often imitated but never syndicated,
>
> Now that Charles Schulz has retired from drawing "Peanuts," what will
> fill the empty space on newspaper comics pages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wal-nuts.
}
} A paid 'ad-based cartoon' about a lovable set of permanently
} lost children that live in a simply huge Wal-Mart store.
}
} The lead character is Adam Found, who wears a yellow shirt
} with a vertical black line down it. A loudspeaker is heard
} in the last panel of each script calling out, "Adam Found?"
} "Is Adam found?", "Code Adam" or some other similarly worded
} variation. Adam owns a pet cat named Dogg Snoop Snoop.
}
} Dogg Snoop Snoop is schizophrenic and often lapses in long
} delusional episodes frequently involving a long running joke
} 'fantasy' in which the cat is a doomed kamikaze pilot strapped
} into a flaming Zero. The other characters spend a lot of time
} trying to break into the pharmacy to get Dogg 'some decent meds',
} all to no avail.
}
} One of the other characters in Linucks, a towel garbed techno
} geek who is always trying to hack the IBM Aptiva's in the show
} rooms in an attempt to get help from some mysterious on-line
} entity known only as the Great Finn-kin. Linucks has an older
} sister known as Loosey.
}
} Loosey is far older and more worldly than the other 'lost'
} children. She is also has proved to be quite controversial in
} early test market releases of the comic strip. Rumor has it
} she'll be replaced by a more innocuous character named Dizzy,
} a blonde that flops her head back and forth and says 'whatever'
} a great deal.
}
} While there are many more characters the one that is already
} gaining a bizarrely loyal following is "Ron McKernan" a scruffy
} unkempt lad with an unlimited supply of 'dust' about him. Self-
} described 'Ronheads' often stage elaborate rituals around this
} character's persona at raves and behind urban laundry mats.
}
} You owe the Oracle a long strange trip inside the Palo Alto Wal-Mart.


1139-05    (bgje7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Capitol letters, people, capitol letters! Don't use them all the time,
> and don't not use them. Use them in the first letter of sentences, the
> first letter of each word of proper nouns, and occasionally for
> emphasis.
>
> And while we're at it, punctuation. You people seem to avoid proper
> punctuation like you avoid good jokes.
>
> And another thing, why aren't you funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hard to find a job with an English major is it?


1139-06    (4eyc3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wild and gnarley (or is it gnarled?),
>
> What do you do when your parents are sick, and you're facing having to
> support them and a slew of younger siblings on a pitiful income that
> you can barely support yourself on?
>
> I await your ample wisdom with bright shiney eyes full of hope for a
> better future.
>
> Beth

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dang... this is one of those serious questions, I guess. Well, let it
} be known that the Oracle can handle such things. <Tosses the box
} of in-jokes and supporting characters into the other room. Lisa
} squeaks>
}
} I'd say that the best thing for you to do, supplicant, is to seek out
} help. Check the local church parish and see if you could be eligible
} for one of the various programs for food and supplies. See if you've
} got any friends or family who can put up the kids while you're
} working. And above all, try to take good care of yourself. Getting
} sick yourself could be a very bad thing.
}
} And if all else fails, with all the little siblings, white slavery is
} still an option.
}
} You owe the Oracle part of the proceeds from auctioning off the
} children.


1139-07    (akmd2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most canny, wha kens evr'thin' wurth kennin,
>
> Should auld acquaintance be forgot ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those lyrics always confuse people that haven't heard
} the third verse, which clears the matter up.
}
} So without further ado:
}
} We twa hae mn about the braes
} And pou'd the gowans fine;
} But we've wander'd mony a weary foot
} Sin' auld lang syne.
}
} See what I mean?
}
} You owe the Oracle some rare bit.


1139-08    (39rl7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "bjbackitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me oh great and wise oracle,
> is god online?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, like everyone, GOD even has a web-site.
} Please see http://www.god.org. However, the heavens seem to be missing
} good web-designers, so currently the site is under construction. Yes,
} dear supplicant, GOD *is* just one of us, just a slob like one of us,
} with his website in the permanent condition of websites -- under
} construction.
}
} However, all web designers need to take a few tip from GOD:
}
} -- No annoying "under construction" animated-gifs of a person working.
} -- No "required JavaScript"
} -- No Java
} -- No gifs at all, so ``lynx'' can view GOD's website just fine.
}
} Please notice what OS GOD is running:
}
} Server: Apache/1.3.6 (Unix)  (Red Hat/Linux)
}
} (Oh, please dismiss that "for sale" bit: it's just one of GOD's little
} jokes)
}
} -- ORACLE
} -- Ah, yes, GOD?
} -- ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY WEBSITE?
} -- Er...GOD...can you stop speaking in capitals?
} -- Oh, sorry, my CAPS-LOCK was on. Are you making fun of my website?
} -- No, not at all...It's only...
} -- Out with it!
} -- Well, why did you have to go for Red Hat? Debian has way more
}    packages?
} -- They have technical support.
} -- Don't you have any sysadmins in heaven to help you?
} -- Sysadmins? Hah! We have more lawyers then sysadmins. I'll have to
}    wait until Linus dies.
} -- OK. Well, goodbye, and keep up those HTML skills.
} -- Sure.
}
} Well, as you see, not only is GOD online, but he is *extremely* touchy
} about his site.
}
} You owe the Oracle an HTML editor which doesn't suck


1139-09    (5llb9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who can answer any question in constant time,
>     What would happen if Scott Adams went back to working for Pacific
> Bell?  Would it affect my phone service?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well it has been a bit busy around here, what with the w**dc***ks
} getting lose last week, Lisa going to all of those after-xmas sales,
} and even the Great Oracle himself is down with the flu. Since he is not
} available, I have been told to answer all questions with complete and
} through research. I may not answer in constant time, but would you
} settle for N^2?
}
} Now on to your question, since you did not specify which Scott Adams, I
} will answer your question concerning every Scott Adams that is
} important enough to be of concern to Pacific Bell. I am but a lowly
} accolate, so I have to work a little harder to answer your question
} thoroughly. I don't want to be ZOTed when the great Orrie comes back.
} *********
} Scott Adams-writer of text adventure games for the  Radio Shack TRS-80
} model I computer (16k of memory, a Z80 processor, and a cassette drive)
}
} Your phone would only work if hooked up to a cassette player, and you
} would have to buy goofy Radio Shack products every month to maintain
} your phone service.
} ************
} Scott Adams--Offensive Linesman for Minnesota, New Orleans, Chicago,
} Tampa Bay, Atlanta, and finally Denver.
}
} Your phone service would function only during football season. Your
} would have to send your bill to a different office every year, and
} you'd have an incredible urge to smash into big guys who smell bad.
} **********
} Peggy Scott Adams--Singer of R&B, with the latest album on the Blues
} and Top 200 Pop charts since its release in October 1996. Peggy had
} enjoyed huge success in the late Sixties and early Seventies with a
} string of R&B hits partnered with Jo Jo Benson.
}
} You would not hear busy signals or annoying tones of any kind. All
} sounds made by your phone would be riffs from R&B songs.
} *************
} Scott Adams-- Doctoral Student, Web-Person, Instructional Systems
} Design, Curriculum & Instruction, College Of Education, University of
} Kentucky
}
} Well since he is still a doctoral student, and probably always will be,
} there is no threat of him going to work for a real company like
} PacBell. Well that is unless he discovers oil while huntin, and goes to
} Hollywood with his granny in the back of his truck.
} *************
} Scott Adams--Manager of the James Taylor MP3 Site, lives in Washington,
} DC, and whose life is an endlessly boring research project and will be
} getting his Masters of Public Administration in December.
}
} Not to worry about this one either. Another grad student, and worse yet
} studying how politics can muck up any ones life. If he did work for Pac
} Bell, you would have to fill out the 23-7a/msx form every month, in
} triplicate and submit a request for payment acceptance using form
} K9/ntcw-45987-R.
} ************
} Well that is all I could find. There is a cartoonist named Scott Adams,
} but no one takes him seriously. He used to work for PacBell, but got
} smart and left. If he went back, he would be a bitter and worn out
} ex-cartoonist. Your phone services would be cut off at random intervals
} during Marketing meetings, and would only work if you had a tie that
} didn't fit and you lived in a cubicle.
}
} Since I'm not really the Great Oracle, you don't owe me anything, but a
} new Dilbert calendar for the year would make the Master happy.


1139-10    (9fckb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, believing is the most important part.
}
} Yes, yes, I see that you believe. This is good.
}
} Now all you have to do is take the next step on the
} path to The Land of Lumber and Honey.
}
} Good, good. Follow me.
}
} Here we go. See this burrow here? No, the one on the left,
} the other is just a plain old drain.
}
} Yes, it does look a lot like a double kitchen sink, but
} really it is a portal to paradise.
}
} Why I'd be only too happy to help you. There you go.
}
} Hmm, it -is- a snug fit.
}
} Maybe if we had more light. I'll just flip this switch.
}
} Ewwwwwwwwwww!
}
} hee hee
}
} That's the second blasted w..dch..k to fall for that in
} the last hour. I should have thought of this years ago.


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