} Well, dear supplicant, worse is relative. For example, one might say
} that Tab is worse than a real cola like Pepsi or Coke (please observe
} any and all trademarks, they lawyers get picky about that), but better
} than say, RC. And the debate as to which is worse: Barney,
} Teletubbies, or Furbies will most likely not be resolved within your
} However, worse than any of these is *any* Valentine's Day gift, this
} being an utterly depressing and stressful holiday designed to put a
} strain on any established relationship, and completely break the spirit
} of those poor unfortunate soul who have no significant other to torment
} them on this merry occasion. I *do* however have some personal
} favorites for worst Valentine's Day gifts. Here are ten:
} 10) A puppy. They chew, they slobber, they do nasty things to your
} floor. Just Say No.
} 9) Gift certificates. If you can't come up with something, don't
} bother. Please. Especially if your idea of a romantic gift is a gift
} certificate to Ace Hardware.
} 8) Hubcaps. Only for those who just don't get it.
} 7) Those wand-things the people at the airport use to direct the
} planes on the ground. You know the ones I mean. Good for planes, bad
} for house.
} 6) Original Star Trek memorabilia. Come on, William Shatner on
} Valentine's Day is just too much.
} 5) Fruitcake. It's bad enough that we have to put up with these at
} Christmas, but Valentine's Day? Admit it, the fruitcake was just lying
} around, and you were too cheap to buy a real gift. Loser.
} 4) A karoke machine. No, no, no, NO.
} 3) "Sexy" underwear. Leopards and zebras look like that for a
} reason. On humans it just looks ridiculous. And don't you think the
} rhinestones are a little much?
} 2) Yourself. Don't even make me go there.
} 1) A dead monkey. Yes, I know you thought it would be incredibly
} creative, and just oh so cute, and I know it was alive when you left
} the store, but come on man, enough's enough. Give it up.
} You owe the Oracle a real holiday, and some of those little candy