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Internet Oracularities #1140

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1140, 1140-01, 1140-02, 1140-03, 1140-04, 1140-05, 1140-06, 1140-07, 1140-08, 1140-09, 1140-10


Internet Oracularities #1140    (60 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST)

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1140  60 votes 4cij7 28jn8 8gja7 aglb2 7dp87 59ph4 5doc6 beie3 pid40 bfj69
1140  2.9 mean  3.2   3.5   2.9   2.6   2.9   3.1   3.0   2.7   1.9   2.8


1140-01    (4cij7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle, the one who I now grovel before and abase
> myself. Thou art my soul and my heart's inspiration. Thou art my
> fire, my desire. I just can't make it without you. Your wisdom
> beams down on high as of an orbital laser. Your wit is so sharp
> that Lisa has to use Bactine after snuggling with you. Never have I
> gazed upon such a wonderfully omniscent deity. Please, in your
> mercifulness, hear my plea....
>
> In my years on this Earth, I have seen relationship after relationship
> end. Few of them were mine. As an engineer, I have neither the
> time nor the comeliness to have such. Every ending has been
> traumatic with at lest one party leaving bawling their eyes out or
> swearing death threats. I have seen more than one where the girl
> would "accidentally" make contact with the guys groin with her
> knee.
>
> My question, therefore, oh wisest of the wise, is this:
>   Is there a good way to break up with a girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, look at your "question" my little Dilbertish supplicant.
}
} It's your whole love life in a microcosm.
}
} Part Uno:  Overly flowery start that promises way more
}            that it can or does deliver.
}
} Part Dos:  Sudden emphasis on "I", "I", "I" and in a
}            poor me, innocent victim tone.
}
} Part Tres: Abrupt cut to the chase with all the finesse of
}            dropping a mackerel in someone's lap.
}
} But this of course was not your question....
}
} Let's look at some of your previously used break-up lines:
}
} * You know I used to love my 486, then BAM! It was useless
}   I needed something faster and better, even though I did
}   have a lot of fun with it. Especially playing DOOM.
}   God, I loved that game. Big ol' stompin' evil Cyberdemon.
}   KABOOM! Well, you're sorta like that 486.
}
} Hmmm, a better approach may have been:
}
}   I have been doing a lot of thinking about us. And about
}   our future. And, and, (break into sobs) I'm just not
}   good enough for you. You are so BEAUTIFUL. I'm holding
}   you back. I must let you go. I am scum. I don't deserve
}   a sex goddess like you.
}
} Let's see here, the time after that you tried this:
}
} * YES! I got the promotion! A 13K raise and they're paying
}   my moving expenses to Seattle. It's been fun babe.
}   I couldn't have done it without you. Bye. Oh, and 'Thanks',
}   but you already knew that. Now you can finish all those
}   jig-saw puzzles you used to work on before we met.
}
} A better approach may have been:
}
}   I should have told you. I am worthless trash. You have
}   every right to hate me. But I haven't been honest with
}   you. You can't tell this to anyone...but, well, the CIA
}   paid my way through college. And they said someday they'd
}   show up when they needed me for a job. I'm being sent
}   to a mud floored, rat infested hut in the jungles of a
}   nation I am not at liberty to divulge. Can I have a
}   lock of your hair to remember you by? I love you baby.
}
} Hmm, just one more... how about the time you used this gem:
}
} * Hellllloooooo... ding, ding, ding. MAN! Don't you know
}   anything? FINE! FINE! FINE! WELL LEAVE THEN GO AHEAD!
}
} A better approach may have been:
}
}   The more I think about it, the more I realize that
}   materialism is not for me. I, I, I've been in touch
}   with some fine people and I'd like to share with you
}   what they've taught me about Rev. Moon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slide rule and a ribbed condom.


1140-02    (28jn8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are more musical than Apollo, more muscular than
> Hephaestus, stronger than Heracles, longer than--Hades, I don't have
> to spout this dreck--you and I were in grade school together.
>
>  Anyway, I have this problem.  On a whim, I got a permanent.  Boy, was
> that a mistake.  I wanted body and bounce, but my snakes became limp
> and lifeless.  I figure that, if you can't help me, then Lisa can.
> Any ideas?
>
> Love and kisses to you both,
>
> The Gorgon Stheno

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long time no see.  Isn't it a wonder how the Internet gets old friends
} back in contact?
}
} Anyway, I'm not sure how to answer your question as I've never had to
} deal with a limp snake.  Nope, never, not me.  But if I were you I'd
} go over to Dionysus's place and ask his son Priapus for some advice.
} If there's anyone who would know how to add bounce to a lifeless snake
} he'd be the one.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Viagra.  Er, it's for a friend.  Really.


1140-03    (8gja7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, most wise. I have a theory and I would like your opinion
> on it. I believe that all the worms on the earth have descended from
> one, single worm way back in the paleolithic times. This first worm was
> cut in half by a cave child and formed two worms, thus beginning the
> cycle until today, where we have zillions of worms wandering through
> our top soil. What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you're interested in evolution, and you want to know what I think!
}
} I think that future advances in the study of evolution are threatened
} by the failure of American schools to adequately teach the subject.
}
} I think that our science education has been undercut by religious
} fanatics.
}
} I think that too many schools that receive public money for the purpose
} of education are shamelessly wasting it on religious indoctrination,
} which is the exact opposite of education.
}
} I think that the proper function of government is to protect the rights
} of individuals.
}
} I think that the movie _Mr. Smith Goes to Washington_ is not an
} accurate depiction of how government works.
}
} I think that _American Beauty_ is the best movie I've ever seen.
}
} I think that Kirsten Chevalier is an American beauty, but I've never
} seen her, or her citizenship papers, so I could be wrong.
}
} I think that the best flavor of pop-tarts is the _unfrosted_
} brown-sugacinnamon that they don't make anymore for some strange
} reason.  They were the only ones that were good enough to be eaten
} cold.
}
} I think that when you see a newspaper ad for a supermarket that gives a
} list of products that are on sale, you should interpret it as "These
} products will not be in stock today," and if you need one of them you
} should go somewhere else.  Any first-year economics student knows that
} sellers lower prices in order to sell more units, but supermarkets
} don't obey this rule.  When they put an item on sale, they don't stock
} any more of it then they usually do; the sale is just an advertising
} tactic to attract stupid customers.
}
} You've heard that no one ever went broke by underestimating the
} intelligence of the American people.  I think it's about time someone
} did. Let's organize a boycott: whenever we see a TV commercial that
} insults our intelligence and gives no useful information about the
} product, we should boycott the product.  Remember that if you buy it,
} you're paying for that commercial.
}
} But I suppose you really wanted to know what I think about your theory.
} I don't think about it.  Worms don't interest me.  Eeew.
}
} You owe the Oracle a treatise on the cinematographical implications of
} object-oriented programming.


1140-04    (aglb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you mean, you have a bad feeling about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I don't remember putting pepper in this soup, so where did all
} these black specks come from?
}
} Urgh.  They're... swimming... Now I *really* don't feel well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a barf bag.


1140-05    (7dp87 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle you are stately and ingenious and chic and blithe,
>
> Are there ten good things about having the flu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} You owe Dhe Oracle a hodh lemuhn and honey dhring.


1140-06    (59ph4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, the wind around you shrieks of intelligence! The soil
> you trod quakes with the weight of all that amassed wisdom.
>
> What are the ten worse Saint Valentine's Day gifts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, dear supplicant, worse is relative.  For example, one might say
} that Tab is worse than a real cola like Pepsi or Coke (please observe
} any and all trademarks, they lawyers get picky about that), but better
} than say, RC.  And the debate as to which is worse: Barney,
} Teletubbies, or Furbies will most likely not be resolved within your
} lifetime.
}
} However, worse than any of these is *any* Valentine's Day gift, this
} being an utterly depressing and stressful holiday designed to put a
} strain on any established relationship, and completely break the spirit
} of those poor unfortunate soul who have no significant other to torment
} them on this merry occasion.  I *do* however have some personal
} favorites for worst Valentine's Day gifts.  Here are ten:
}
} 10)  A puppy.  They chew, they slobber, they do nasty things to your
} floor.  Just Say No.
}
} 9)   Gift certificates.  If you can't come up with something, don't
} bother.  Please.  Especially if your idea of a romantic gift is a gift
} certificate to Ace Hardware.
}
} 8)   Hubcaps.  Only for those who just don't get it.
}
} 7)   Those wand-things the people at the airport use to direct the
} planes on the ground.  You know the ones I mean.  Good for planes, bad
} for house.
}
} 6)   Original Star Trek memorabilia.  Come on, William Shatner on
} Valentine's Day is just too much.
}
} 5)   Fruitcake.  It's bad enough that we have to put up with these at
} Christmas, but Valentine's Day?  Admit it, the fruitcake was just lying
} around, and you were too cheap to buy a real gift.  Loser.
}
} 4)   A karoke machine.  No, no, no, NO.
}
} 3)   "Sexy" underwear.  Leopards and zebras look like that for a
} reason. On humans it just looks ridiculous.  And don't you think the
} rhinestones are a little much?
}
} 2)   Yourself.  Don't even make me go there.
}
} 1)   A dead monkey.  Yes, I know you thought it would be incredibly
} creative, and just oh so cute, and I know it was alive when you left
} the store, but come on man, enough's enough.  Give it up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a real holiday, and some of those little candy
} hearts.


1140-07    (5doc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most eloquent, who knows the distinction between diction and
> enunciation, whose acronyms are always pronounceable, who not long
> ago ceased supplying soundbites to Dick Morris and thus forced him
> out of politics, who runs the last grammar school that still gives
> grades in "rhetoric",
>
> I, your most illiterate and poorly-spoken subject, petition you.
>
> I'm forming a student organization at the University of Pennsylvania
> that will concern itself with all things space-related. My various
> plans- guest speakers, showings of "From The Earth To The Moon",
> supernova-inducing solar probes- are all going well, but I must begin
> advertising for members, and I find I cannot think of a suitable
> name for the group to go by! In your perfect pithyness, pray propose:
> What is a suitible name for my group?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) The Gas Giants
} 09) Lunatic Mooners
} 08) Galileo's Illegitimate Children
} 07) Deep Space Probers
} 06) Devils in a Blue-shift
} 05) Main Sequence All-Stars
} 04) Astro-nuts from Uranus
} 03) Roy Gbiv Lite
} 02) Haley's Ajax
} 01) Star Trek Fans with College Degrees


1140-08    (beie3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle,
>
> So, did Oracle Manor make it through the Y2K transition OK?  No major
> catastrophes, I hope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ERROR:  Could not load ROM BASIC
} C:\>


1140-09    (pid40 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whither Onan the Barbarian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wherever it is that Bill hides when Hillary's around.
}
} You owe the Oracle a street map of Chappaqua, NY


1140-10    (bfj69 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They named an airport after Reagan, a Space Center after Kennedy.
> What will William Jefferson Clinton have named after him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A sewage treatment plant in Hope, Arkansas.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2000 Flushes.


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