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Internet Oracularities #1141

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Internet Oracularities #1141    (74 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST)

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1141  74 votes 7ith3 16evm 57ant 7hkff blpg1 iima6 cpnc2 2euk8 0fBg6 8oji5
1141  3.1 mean  2.9   3.9   3.9   3.2   2.7   2.6   2.6   3.2   3.2   2.8


1141-01    (7ith3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Helpfull Oracle, you have more fun than a barrle of monkies.  You
> probably spell better, too.  I need to learn about oregon replacement
> therapy.  Please tell me everything you know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Early next year, in a move claimed to be a kickstart to the flagging
} economy, President Dan Quayle will institute the Oregon Replacement
} Project:  over loud objections, Oregon will be moved to the Marshall
} Islands, and Tokyo will be brought in to take its place.
}
} Property values will skyrocket, and several banks will fail.  The
} new state government, a group of short old men wearing identical
} silk suits, will release a statement:  "not to panic, all to work
} together through hard times."  Banks will continue to fail and
} the Tokyo stock market will crash; hysterical reports of sightings
} of Gojira will be in the news, until the Tokyo government begins
} censorship.
}
} The world will watch fascinated as bootleg home videos show a giant
} gorilla rampaging through downtown Tokyo, batting miniature airplanes
} from the sky.  The National Guard will be apparently powerless to stop
} him.
}
} Meanwhile in the Marshall Islands, the uprooted Oregonians are
} surprisingly relaxed.  A resident, smilingly told this reporter
} "Dude, the growing season is _so_ much better here."


1141-02    (16evm dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Way trendy Oracle,
>
> Who decides what the next fad is going to be??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a dimly lit room, miles below a SoCal mall, a fat man strikes a
} match and lights his cigar. From the small, orangey glow, one can
} see his glasses, his largish nose, and his bad toupee.
}
} "Gentlemen. Lets hear the reports."
}
} "Well sir, bellbottoms did particularly well," says a small, mousey man.
} "As did hip-huggers."
}
} "Good," replies the fat man with the cigar. "Very good."
}
} "Plastic clothing did reasonable sales as well," says a younger man,
} with slicked-back hair. "However, our 'henna tattoos' didn't go over
} too well."
}
} "Just the same," says the fat man. "Perhaps we didn't promote it enough.
} Now then, what do we have planned for 2000?"
}
} "Well sir," says a woman with outrageous glasses and wild hair. "For our
} men's line, we were thinking, 'What's the stupidest thing we can make
} people wear this year?'"
}
} "And you came up with..." says the fat man, impatiently.
}
} "Codpieces."
}
} "Codpieces?" gasps everyone in the room.
}
} "Yes," continues the woman. "Codpieces. We plan to release early
} prototypes to the Gap and Ralph Lauren by the end of the month.
} We've already got N'Sync signed up to model them, and we're hoping
} to nab either 98 degrees or the Backstreet Boys."
}
} "Brilliant," whispers someone in the room.
}
} "I think so. We plan to secretly promote a war between N'Sync and
} whoever signs the opposing contract. We'll see who can wear the
} biggest codpieces. It'll be hysterical."
}
} "And you think the kids will buy this?" says the fat man.
}
} "Absolutely."
}
} "Good," the fat man says as he rolls his cigar around a thick, gold
} signet ring. "What about women's wear?"
}
} "Well," says a thin, acne-covered man with bottle-rim glasses. "We were
} fairly successful in pulling back the 'lingerie as clothing' look this
} past year. We were thinking of going a step further. Pasties."
}
} "WHAT?!?" sounds of choking come from around the room.
}
} "You can't be serious," says someone at the end of the table.
}
} "Oh, absolutely. We've already done the demography on it. We're going to
} start by having Madonna wear them in a video."
}
} "Madonna?" says the fat man. "She's not big with the kids anymore."
}
} "Ok," says the acne-man. "How about Brittney Spears? She just had the
} boob job, they'll look great on her."
}
} "Yeah," says someone else. "If you can get her to wear them, every
} pedophile daddy in the country who drools over Spears will get a set
} for his daughter!"
}
} "That's right," continues the acne-man. "Then, before we start
} mass-marketing them, we're going to leak a few pairs to our friends in
} the Southern Baptist Convention. Nothing stirs up sales like a good
} banning. Maybe we can even get a public school district or two to ban
} them, or at least require a shirt over them."
}
} "Excellent," says the fat man. "By the end of summer, every teenage girl
} in the country will be walking around in pasties and no shirt."
}
} "What about Fox Mulder?" says the cigarette-smoking-man in the corner.
} "He's already discovered what the Schwah keychains really are. He could
} be a threat to us."
}
} "So we kidnap his partner to make him back down."
}
} "Tried that, it didn't work."
}
} "Then we'll give his partner a hideous disease."
}
} "Tried that."
}
} "Then we'll kill his partner."
}
} "Done that."
}
} "Damn! Doesn't he care about his partner at all? Oh, I got it, we'll
} just send him some photos of Brittney Spears modelling the pasties.
} He'll never leave his apartment."
}
} Murmers of assent from around the room.
}
} "Well then," says the fat man, "I think we have a plan."


1141-03    (57ant dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NULL QUESTION

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That one caught the President off guard. "I'm sorry?"
}
} > NULL QUESTION
}
} The other reporters had stopped their clamor, surprised at the audacity
} of the request. They were equally fascinated by the President's
} reaction: discomfort, certainly, but the color creeping into his face
} implied that there was something he definitely -didn't- want to say.
}
} "L-let me say that about this...." The President trailed off into
} silence. Since he'd begun his first campaign nine years ago, he'd never
} been at a loss for words. Until now. A confused murmur began among the
} reporters. What was wrong? He had always been good for a few sound
} bites at each conference, and his Middle-American good looks made the
} print photographers' jobs a lot easier. Now, it looked like the
} reporters would actually have to -writsomething. They began to fear for
} their jobs.
}
} The press secretary was the first to regain his composure. He went to
} the podium and whispered in the President's ear. At first the President
} seemed oblivious, but after a moment he caught on and managed to
} understand what was being said. From the look on his face it was
} obvious that the press secretary had suggested something outrageous,
} but after some heated whispers the President finally nodded and turned
} to the microphone.
}
} "Ladies and gentlemen of the Press, please make careful record of what
} you observe here today. This is an historical moment in the making.
}
} "As many have noticed, American politics over the past few centuries -
} clear back to the founding of this great nation, even before it was an
} independent state - has been an excellent example of Newton's Third Law
} of Motion: 'For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.'
}
} "The success of our system of government by officials elected by the
} populace hinges on an informed electorate. The position of every
} candidate on every issue must be explored before the best choice can be
} made for the job. Of course, and I am proud to be the first government
} official to admit this out loud, most candidates aren't as concerned
} about making a good government as they are about having a position of
} power and influence." The reporters murmured in surprise, not at the
} revelation, but at the candid way it was given. "Toward that end, most
} candidates (and all successful ones) have applied Newton's Third Law
} toward questions directed to them by the press. The political
} interpretation would be 'For every question of substance, there is an
} answer of equal and opposite value.'
}
} "Since most reporters are trained to seek the heart of the matter, it
} follows that they should ask questions of great substance and global
} import. Therefore, I and my colleagues in government are obligated to
} give meaningless, misdirected, and frequently false answers to preserve
} the 'balance' implied in the Third Law. But today, I have received a
} question of less than zero substance - not negative substance, mind
} you, but null: the null question. Therefore, I must give an answer that
} is substantial and true."
}
} The President took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Here goes."
}
} "I sought this position, not for the benefit of the Nation, but for my
} own bank account. The companionship I have enjoyed since my arrival in
} Washington was a fringe benefit. I have made a fortune behind the
} scenes in the buying and selling of favors and influence, and plan to
} continue after my term ends.
}
} "Never have I acted in accordance with my conscience or my
} constituency. I have no conscience, and if I seemed to go along with
} public opinion, it was because it coincided with the opinion of major
} contributors to my personal goals.
}
} "None of the other candidates who ran against me in any election,
} except one, were any different from me. That one exception died in an
} unfortunate car crash. I did NOT engineer that crash. I had someone
} else take care of it for me.
}
} "The apparent benefits to the economy, the nation, and the world, that
} have occurred during my administration are simply the up-end swing of
} the socio-economic pendulum, a phenomenon that has been known for
} centuries but never revealed. Nothing I or any government official have
} done, or could ever do, will influence that swing. Expect a period of
} severe depression about 15 years from now. By then I should be happily
} divorced and living on a private Caribbean island.
}
} "The former Soviet Union, far from being a threat to the United States,
} was actually our ally. They caused us to pull together in building a
} war machine, developing new technologies and putting thousands of
} people to work, to fight a bunch of farmers and goatherds who wouldn't
} know which end of an AK-47 to point at an American if they ever saw
} one. The menace of Communism was nothing more than a red herring that
} created wonderful opportunities to curry favor, peddle influence, and
} misdirect funding into the pockets of government officials and
} corporate officers.
}
} "And now, perhaps the most telling truth of all: not one single
} American gives a rat's ass about any of this. They have their MTV,
} their beer, and their welfare checks! They have the "bread and
} circuses" that led to the downfall of the Roman empire. They are fat
} and happy and as long as the lines for lottery tickets are shorter than
} their belt size, they'll keep voting for me and anyone else that's good
} for a few sound bites and photographs well."
}
} The President paused for breath. Not a reporter moved, not a camera
} clicked. The recorders were still running - not a word was missed - but
} nobody could say a word. Finally, after a long pause, the sound of
} someone clapping came from the back of the room. After some hesitation,
} other joined in. Moments later, the entire room was on its feet
} applauding the President. After about five minutes he motioned for
} quiet, and five minutes later he could finally speak again.
}
} "Thank you! Thank you! It was a risky thing to do, and had you not
} responded this way my press secretary would have been involved in a
} tragic auto accident." The secretary paled, until he saw the president
} wink. "But I do have one more thing I'd like to get off my chest." He
} looked at the correspondent who had asked the question, and had also
} been the first to applaud.
}
} "Orrie, if you EVER forward one of those questions to me again, I'll
} hunt you down like a dog and nail your sorry hide to my garage!"


1141-04    (7hkff dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it about the structure of the human brain that makes
> mnemonics so useful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C. EVERETT COOP:
} I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General,
} I've information surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} I know the brain's a thinkin', and I quote from text books medical,
} From marrowed bones to lymphatic nodes, in order categorical;
} I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters neurological,
} I understand neuroanatomy, both central and peripheral,
} About the nervous system I am bound to make you just a little bored
} With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal
}   chord.
}
} ALL:
} With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal
}   chord.
} With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal
}   chord.
} With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal
}   chord.
}
} C. EVERETT COOP:
} I'm very good with the fissures and little things quite ganglial,
} I know the scientific names of all things that are cranial:
} In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General.
}
} ALL:
} In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} He is the very model of a modern Surgeon-General.
}
} C. EVERETT COOP:
} I know the diencephalon, the hypo and the thalamus;
} I've disected telencephalon and even seen the hippocampus.
} I can't forget the times I've spent along the epithalamus,
} Neocortex brings us to the areas prosencephalous.
}
} I can tell red nucleus from central grey and substantia,
} I know the cerebellum from the medulla oblongata.
} Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
} And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
}
} ALL:
} And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
} And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
} And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
}
} C. EVERETT COOP:
} Then I can write a memory on storage neocortical,
} And tell you ev'ry detail of just what I've stored in full:
} In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General.
}
} ALL:
} In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} He is the very model of a modern Surgeon-General.
}
} C. EVERETT COOP:
} In fact, when I know what is meant by "temporal" and "spacial",
} When I can tell at sight a name I've linked to pictures facial,
} When such affairs as PIN codes and phone numbers I'm more wary at,
} But then I know precisely what race was won by "secretariat",
} Then I have learnt to sing a song to have recall like gunnery,
} But if I sing them back outloud everyone I see makes fun of me.
} In short, when I've mastered this elemental strategy,
} I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V.
}
} ALL:
} I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V.
} I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V.
} I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V.
}
} C. EVERETT COOP:
} For my mnemonic knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
} Has been brought down because I've lived to be about a century.
} But still, in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General.
}
} ALL:
} But still in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal,
} He is the very model of a modern Surgeon-General.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle the lyrics to HMS Microsoft.


1141-05    (blpg1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You open one of the 996 boxes on this floor and find...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yet another broken Furby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a toy-of-the-year that actually lasts a year.


1141-06    (iima6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh why do we cringe at the very mention of Windows?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT THE WINDOWS!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
} PLEASE!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a chalice of holy water blessed by Pope Linus
} Torvalds.


1141-07    (cpnc2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, what gives? First, I'm sitting in my terrarium, minding my own
> business, when suddenly this cat pops up and starts to hold me
> under water! Then, I see this bright light at the end of a tunnel.
> I start hopping toward it, seeing the smiling faces of all the frogs
> in my family who've passed on. Next thing I know, I'm back in
> my terrarium, sitting on a rock! What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer lies in the cat.  For it to have 9 lives, it must kill
} something 9 times.  Therefore, you should repeat this experience 8
} more times.  Sorry for the bad news.
} Fortunately, the cat will get bored around the 7th time, and will jump
} off the table.  This will cause the table to overturn, and a terrarium
} to fall on the cat.  A rock will shatter the glass, sending shards
} everywhere.  The cat will loose all of its remaining lives due to
} multiple cuts and drowning.  You, however, will, well, erm, nevermind.
}
} You owe the Oracle anything, as quickly as you can deliver it.


1141-08    (2euk8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are Wise, but more importantly you have never been caught
> in red handed with a live wire or a dead phone line,
>
> How is being a faceless bureaucrat different than being a leech?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leeches eventually stop sucking.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Band-Aid (TM).


1141-09    (0fBg6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who knows exactly who will win every NASCAR race for
> the next 35,000 years;
>
> In June and July of 1999, the Cape Hatteras lighthouse was moved 2,900
> feet from its original location over a period of 23 days. By my faulty
> and worm-like calculations, this means that it was moving at an average
> speed of .00097826 miles per hour. Although I know how You in Your
> wisdom abhor multiple questions, I still must ask these two:
>
> 1) Is this a new land-speed record for lighthouses?
>
> and 2) Would using premium gasoline have helped it move faster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the Colossus of Rhodes, after a particularly nasty
} earthquake, hobbled to the right about 80 feet in a matter of 20
} seconds before the knee broke and the whole thing toppled over. That's
} a speed of about .5914 miles an hour, give or take.
}
} And yes, you can use gasoline to make a lighthouse move faster,
} although I would personally recommend rocket fuel.
}
} You owe the Oracle an orbiting lighthouse.


1141-10    (8oji5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, whose memory is better
> than an Elephant diskette, please tell me...
>
> I asked a question about a year ago, something about
> snails mating. Whatever happened to that question and
> why didn't I get an answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sent your answer back my snail mail, but hey, you know how randy
} those snails get.
}
} They must have got 'side-tracked' along the way.


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