} Dearest supplicant, allow me to give you a little quiz that will
} help you find the solutions to all your relationship problems:
} 1. When you speak to him on the telephone, he...
} (a) ...does nothing but breathe heavily.
} (b) ...baby talks.
} (c) ...asks if you'd like to join him for lunch.
} (d) ...asks if you'd like to speak to his wife.
} (e) ...threatens to file a sexual harassment suit.
} 2. When you run into to him on the street, he...
} (a) ...swears he wasn't following you.
} (b) ...takes your arm and requests the honor of walking you
} (c) ...smiles, greets you, and engages you in conversation.
} (d) ...covers his face with a newspaper and crosses to the
} other side.
} (e) ...puts one hand on his holster.
} 3. When you make eye-contact with him from across a crowded room, he...
} (a) ...stares blankly and drools.
} (b) ...blushes, shyly smiles, and then gazes longingly into
} your eyes.
} (c) ...nods and mouths the word "Hello".
} (d) ...rolls his eyes and turns away.
} (e) ...spits his drink on the person standing next to him.
} 4. On your birthday, he...
} (a) ...has your name tattooed onto a very delicate part of
} his anatomy.
} (b) ...prepares a romantic candlelight dinner just for the
} two of you.
} (c) ...buys you a CD by your favorite musical group.
} (d) ...buys you a self-help book.
} (e) ...swears you look much older than that.
} 5. The letters he sends to you...
} (a) ...are written with words cut and pasted from newspapers
} and magazines.
} (b) ...are written in sonnet form.
} (c) ...are written on company stationery.
} (d) ...are delivered postage-due.
} (e) ...are delivered by process servers.
} 6. He shows his concern for your welfare by...
} (a) ...standing outside your house all night and peeking in
} your windows to just make sure you're okay.
} (b) ...nursing you back to health when you get sick.
} (c) ...sending you a get-well card when you get sick.
} (d) ...half-heartedly depressing the brake pedal when you
} walk out in front of his car.
} (e) ...seeking to have you committed.
} 7. When you hint that you'd like spend the holidays with him, he...
} (a) ...says he'd love to, but Mother might be jealous.
} (b) ...suggests a romantic hideaway in the tropics.
} (c) ...politely says he has other plans.
} (d) ...slaps his thighs and guffaws.
} (e) ...calls the police.
} 8. When you show him your cat, he...
} (a) ...asks if you have a stew pot big enough for it.
} (b) ...says, "Awww, wook at dee cutesy-wutesy wittle kitten."
} (c) ...tries to be polite and pretend he likes cats.
} (d) ...says, "So that explains the way your house smells."
} (e) ...asks if you have a stew pot big enough for it.
} 9. He tells you he thinks of you whenever...
} (a) ...he makes threatening calls to your old boyfriends.
} (b) ...he sees the sun rising over the ocean.
} (c) ...he needs a babysitter at the last minute.
} (d) ...he gets the urge to report someone for tax evasion.
} (e) ...wakes up screaming in the middle of the night.
} 10. The last present he bought you was...
} (a) ...his-and-her cemetery plots.
} (b) ...encrusted with precious gems.
} (c) ...dispensed from the office vending machine.
} (d) ...purchased at a novelty store and placed under your
} seat cushion.
} (e) ...set on fire and left on your doorstep.
} Now calculate your score: give yourself 4 points for each time you
} answered (a), 3 points for each (b), 2 points for each (c), 1 point for
} each (d), and 0 points for each (e).
} If your total is...
} 0 thru 7: He will succeed in getting a restraining order. Learn to
} live with it. Ask your doctor for more medication.
} 8 thru 15: He despises you. There's nothing you can do to change his
} mind, so you might as well be as petty as possible about
} it and devote your life to making him miserable.
} 16 thru 23: He likes you, but not well enough to build a lasting
} relationship. However, don't despair: if your score is 20
} or more, he might be willing occasionally to help you move
} furniture, or to pick you up at the airport -- if you'll
} just encourage him by flirting a bit.
} 24 thru 31: Your deep feelings for one another will lead to a
} treacherous, unrelenting cycle of co-dependency, which in
} turn will result in years of mental anguish and deep,
} abiding bitterness. In other words: buy the ring, set the
} date, and send out the invitations!
} 32 thru 40: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
} 41 or above: I don't know whether he likes you or not, but if you can
} convince him to get you a present, I'd suggest a
} You owe the Oracle dinner and a movie.