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Internet Oracularities #1145

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1145, 1145-01, 1145-02, 1145-03, 1145-04, 1145-05, 1145-06, 1145-07, 1145-08, 1145-09, 1145-10


Internet Oracularities #1145    (64 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 09:02:48 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1145
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1145  64 votes hbgd7 28tl4 aenb6 16eqh dcdi8 ksb32 7hjd8 aeqb3 3jta3 hkh91
1145  2.9 mean  2.7   3.3   2.8   3.8   2.9   2.0   3.0   2.7   2.9   2.3


1145-01    (hbgd7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where did I put my copy of 'Clockwork orange'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, me 'veckkie, parted from the dorogoy biblium?
} Gloopy-gloop-bolshy-gloop.  So you creech "govorett-me" to the Oracle,
} and with a grolly-velly that's not a bit horrorshow.  I haven't
} viddied the sodding veshch, but here's my soviet: just crast another,
} or kupet one if you're spoogy of the millicents.  Pony?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bit of the old ultragrovel next time or I'll
} tolchock your yarbles.  If you have any yarbles.  Then it's me and
} the devotchka, brooko-a-brooko.


1145-02    (28tl4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most warm and fuzzy,
>
> Every now and then my cat will disappear for hours on end.  I won't be
> able to find her anywhere.  Where does she go when this happens, and
> what is she doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry, your cat is still around.  She just isn't visible because,
} well, your cat is regenerating.  You see, after rigorous testing
} and numerous government grants, modern science has discovered two
} properties of cats:
}
} a) they are composed entirely of fur;
} b) they shed regularly.
}
} It has been posited that cats occasionally shed themselves out of
} existence.  Luckily, they are capable of regenerating at phenomenal
} rates and can usually grow themselves new furry bodies within a few
} hours.  So if you look under the bed and see a dustbunny or two, leave
} it alone.  In a few hours you should come back to a fully-reformed
} feline dozing happily on the pillow.  Ah, the wonders of nature.
}
} (Incidentally, this is another reason why, if you are a cat fancier,
} you should never vacuum dust bunnies.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dustbuster.


1145-03    (aenb6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <mlawrence@mchs.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most 31337, who can break into L0PHT's servers...
>
> [8 lines of groveling removed - ed]
>
> ...I was recently working on some reverse engineering...
>
> [30 lines of irrelevant story removed - ed]
>
> ...and as I was walking by, this guy claimed to be from the NSA, and
> want to hire me, and I asked him...
>
> [58 more lines of irrelevant story removed - ed]
>
> ...and I thought this guy was fake, so I checked via various channels
> to see if he had shown up before...
>
> [281, yes, 281 lines of irrelevant digressions about various computer
> failures and colorful personalities who hang out on IRC removed - ed]
>
> ...they said that yes, he was for real, but that he, in the words of
> GuGler, "probly frm some gvmt. agncy that ain't NSA or US-bsd", and in
> the words of PParKer...
>
> [10 lines of various opinions, followed by 23 lines of irrelevant
> story removed - ed]
>
> ...so I checked official channels...
>
> [21 lines of irrelevant story removed - ed]
>
> ...and this guy *did* *not* *exist*...
>
> [26 lines of irrelevant story removed - ed]
>
> ...so, he claimed he wanted to hire me for my experience, and that he
> needed somebody to...
>
> [7 lines of job description, followed by 47 lines of irrelevant story
> removed - ed]
>
> ...and that's all I'm allowed to say.
>
> So, what I have to ask is, what should I do? Should I take the job?
> Should...
>
> [20 lines of questions removed - ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can take the
}
} [14 lines of expletives removed]
}
} job, grab yourself by the
}
} [3 lines of phyiscal impossibilities removed]
}
} take a glass staff of zot and stick it
}
} [6 lines of painful autoeroticism removed]
}
} and you can tell Larry Niven to take a flying
}
} [15 lines of intergalactic sexual misconduct removed]
}
} and leave it in the mailbox for the police to find.
}
} You owe the Oracle oracularities that require less priestial editing.


1145-04    (16eqh dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have a met a really nice guy and I want to know
> whether it will work out.  And if he feels the same way as I do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Dearest supplicant, allow me to give you a little quiz that will
} help you find the solutions to all your relationship problems:
}
} 1. When you speak to him on the telephone, he...
}           (a) ...does nothing but breathe heavily.
}           (b) ...baby talks.
}           (c) ...asks if you'd like to join him for lunch.
}           (d) ...asks if you'd like to speak to his wife.
}           (e) ...threatens to file a sexual harassment suit.
}
} 2. When you run into to him on the street, he...
}           (a) ...swears he wasn't following you.
}           (b) ...takes your arm and requests the honor of walking you
}                  home.
}           (c) ...smiles, greets you, and engages you in conversation.
}           (d) ...covers his face with a newspaper and crosses to the
}                  other side.
}           (e) ...puts one hand on his holster.
}
} 3. When you make eye-contact with him from across a crowded room, he...
}           (a) ...stares blankly and drools.
}           (b) ...blushes, shyly smiles, and then gazes longingly into
}                  your eyes.
}           (c) ...nods and mouths the word "Hello".
}           (d) ...rolls his eyes and turns away.
}           (e) ...spits his drink on the person standing next to him.
}
} 4. On your birthday, he...
}           (a) ...has your name tattooed onto a very delicate part of
}                  his anatomy.
}           (b) ...prepares a romantic candlelight dinner just for the
}                  two of you.
}           (c) ...buys you a CD by your favorite musical group.
}           (d) ...buys you a self-help book.
}           (e) ...swears you look much older than that.
}
} 5. The letters he sends to you...
}           (a) ...are written with words cut and pasted from newspapers
}                  and magazines.
}           (b) ...are written in sonnet form.
}           (c) ...are written on company stationery.
}           (d) ...are delivered postage-due.
}           (e) ...are delivered by process servers.
}
} 6. He shows his concern for your welfare by...
}           (a) ...standing outside your house all night and peeking in
}                  your windows to just make sure you're okay.
}           (b) ...nursing you back to health when you get sick.
}           (c) ...sending you a get-well card when you get sick.
}           (d) ...half-heartedly depressing the brake pedal when you
}                  walk out in front of his car.
}           (e) ...seeking to have you committed.
}
} 7. When you hint that you'd like spend the holidays with him, he...
}           (a) ...says he'd love to, but Mother might be jealous.
}           (b) ...suggests a romantic hideaway in the tropics.
}           (c) ...politely says he has other plans.
}           (d) ...slaps his thighs and guffaws.
}           (e) ...calls the police.
}
} 8. When you show him your cat, he...
}           (a) ...asks if you have a stew pot big enough for it.
}           (b) ...says, "Awww, wook at dee cutesy-wutesy wittle kitten."
}           (c) ...tries to be polite and pretend he likes cats.
}           (d) ...says, "So that explains the way your house smells."
}           (e) ...asks if you have a stew pot big enough for it.
}
} 9. He tells you he thinks of you whenever...
}           (a) ...he makes threatening calls to your old boyfriends.
}           (b) ...he sees the sun rising over the ocean.
}           (c) ...he needs a babysitter at the last minute.
}           (d) ...he gets the urge to report someone for tax evasion.
}           (e) ...wakes up screaming in the middle of the night.
}
} 10. The last present he bought you was...
}           (a) ...his-and-her cemetery plots.
}           (b) ...encrusted with precious gems.
}           (c) ...dispensed from the office vending machine.
}           (d) ...purchased at a novelty store and placed under your
}                  seat cushion.
}           (e) ...set on fire and left on your doorstep.
}
}     Now calculate your score:  give yourself 4 points for each time you
} answered (a), 3 points for each (b), 2 points for each (c), 1 point for
} each (d), and 0 points for each (e).
}
} If your total is...
}
}  0 thru  7:  He will succeed in getting a restraining order.  Learn to
}              live with it.  Ask your doctor for more medication.
}
}  8 thru 15:  He despises you.  There's nothing you can do to change his
}              mind, so you might as well be as petty as possible about
}              it and devote your life to making him miserable.
}
} 16 thru 23:  He likes you, but not well enough to build a lasting
}              relationship.  However, don't despair: if your score is 20
}              or more, he might be willing occasionally to help you move
}              furniture, or to pick you up at the airport -- if you'll
}              just encourage him by flirting a bit.
}
} 24 thru 31:  Your deep feelings for one another will lead to a
}              treacherous, unrelenting cycle of co-dependency, which in
}              turn will result in years of mental anguish and deep,
}              abiding bitterness.  In other words: buy the ring, set the
}              date, and send out the invitations!
}
} 32 thru 40:  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.
}
} 41 or above: I don't know whether he likes you or not, but if you can
}              convince him to get you a present, I'd suggest a
}              calculator.
}
}      You owe the Oracle dinner and a movie.


1145-05    (dcdi8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> REGIS: Welcome back to "Who Wants to Be a Millionare?".  Our contestant
> has just won $500,000 and is ready to try for the big million bucks.
> Are you ready?
>
> SUPPLICANT:  Yes, I am, Regis.
>
> REGIS: Is that your final answer?
>
> SUPPLICANT:  You're not supposed to say that until you ask the
> question.
>
> REGIS: Oh, right.  Ok, for one million dollars, here's your question:
>
>       How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
>       chuck would?
>
> SUPPLICANT:  Wow.  I have absolutely no idea.  What lifelines do I
> have left?
>
> REGIS:  Well, you've already polled the audience and used your 50:50.
> You can phone a friend if you like.
>
> SUPPLICANT:  Hm.  I think I'd like to phone a friend, Regis.
>
> REGIS:  Ok, that's fine.  Who would you like to call?
>
> SUPPLICANT:  The Oracle.
>
> REGIS:  Is he a friend of yours?
>
> SUPPLICANT:  I wouldn't presume to call him a friend.  But he does know
> just about everything.  He's just about wisest guy in the world.
>
> REGIS:  All right, we'll see if AT&T can get The Oracle on the line
> for you.
>
> <long time lapse replaced by momentary pause due to the magic of
> editing>
>
> REGIS:  Here we go, I think we're about to make the connection ...
>
> <sound of phone ringing>
>
> <sound of phone being picked up>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I would not like to buy any encyclopedias, and it's three in the
} morning here!
}
} > > Uh, hi Orrie.
}
} Who the hell is this?
}
} > > This is a supplicant, and um...
}
} > > REGIS: This is Regis Philbin on "Who Wants to Be--"
}
} REGIS PHILBIN?!  You are easily the most annoying person on the
} planet... well, no, almost the most annoying, John Tesh still edges you
} out.  I oughtta Z0T you just out of principle.
}
} > > REGIS:  Uh... that would be foolish, Mr. Oracle, when this
} > > Supplicant here is about to use his Lifeline to ask you the
} > > million-dollar question!
}
} It had better not be what I know it is, being omniscient and having
} read the question and all.
}
} > > Uh, Orrie, how much woo--
}
} --==**<Z0T>**==--
}
} Ahhh.  That was easily the most satisfying Z0T I've performed in a long
} time.  Even took out the studio audience.  What a benefit to humanity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slightly singed million-dollar check.


1145-06    (ksb32 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the cash in the middle of a poker game called a "kitty"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, considering where *you*'re coming from, it's not surprising that
} you asked it that way, but in fact, as you should (but don't) know,
} &any* pool of small contributions is called a "kitty". Why is this so,
} you ask?
}
} Well, it all started when people were betting on cricket, and a player
} hit a.... You don't want to know the rest.
}
} You owe the Oracle an appeal from 1995 FED App. 0254P (6th Cir.).


1145-07    (7hjd8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> BUY 100 SHARES IO
> WAIT 360
> SELL 100 SHARES IO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NEW YORK (Reuters) - The Internet Oracle Co. (NYSE:IO - prophecies),
} the top prophet and seer in the United States, with global dealings in
} the trillions of dollars, said Monday morning that it's fourth-quarter
} earnings per share rose 1237 percent after their hostile take-over
} of Microsoft.
}
} Shares of the Indiana-based IOC jumped from 13 to 1250 Monday on the
} New York Stock Exchange.
}
} ``It was a pretty good quarter for IOC,'' said Herman Galooly,
} an analyst with Goldman Sachs. ``They beat consensus by dollars.
} Their cost cutting was better than expected, what with most of the
} supplicants being moved to off-shore camps. Question answering was
} at an all-time high, with digests being produced at the highest rate
} in history. And they managed to double their investments in their
} digital portfolio.''
}
} ``We expect continued top-line growth momentum in 2000,'' said Daniel
} Drebble, an IOC representative. ``Microsoft is in fiscal jeopardy
} at the moment, but we expect to work it as hard as we can before
} it croaks."
}
} ``This is a good indication that the Internet Oracle is not just
} another fly-by-night, billion dollar IPO, doomed to crash by the end of
} the year, like Amazon," said Goldman Sachs' Galooly. "It could help
} Microsoft's case before the courts if they're going to be treated
} like a red-headed step-child."
}
} The IOC, which in addition to it's question-answering busines, raked
} in $132 million with it's candy sales, $2.4 billion in sales of "MAKE
} CASH FAST" messages, and $437 million in off-shore "entertainments,"
} says it plans to "beat Microsoft into a froth before liquidating
} it's assets, disassembling it, and transferring it's management to
} the janitorial staff at Sun."


1145-08    (aeqb3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oraculus beatus est:
>
> Veritas:  Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Your most deliciousness! Could you spare me a moment of your hectic
} schedule to help your lowly servant?"
}
} With a faint goan I cracked open an eyelid. It would be Zadoc, wouldn't
} it? With a wave of my hand I silenced the sound system and sat up on my
} deckchair. There he was, grovelling in the sand between the two plastic
} palm trees I'd had put up. I was giving serious thought to this
} tropical look. Huge stone mansions are fine, but a little cold in the
} winter.
}
} "What is it? This better be good. I don't appreciate sitting through
} that trippy seagull bit if I can't listen to the build up back into the
} final verse. I'll have to rewind it now."
}
} "Sorry, oh greatly masterful great one. Your choice in music always
} echoes the music of the sph..."
}
} "Oh get on with it, you meddlesome fool!"
}
} "What does this say? I can't read it."
}
} >> Oraculus beatus est:
} >>
} >> Veritas:  Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur?
}
} I glanced at the scrap of paper. I knew what it meant, of course, and
} as for an answer, well if I'd wanted to I could have thought up one on
} the spot. But the worm would never learn that way, would he?
}
} "What do *you* think it says?" quoth I.
}
} "Ummm... ummm.. Oraculus.... that'd be you? right?"
}
} "Yes."
}
} "good... umm... beatus..... beatus... beat us? well... the other night
} Lisa had that leather whi..."
}
} "Yes, well, I don't think it means THAT, does it now, Zadoc?"
}
} "No, of course not... I burnt the videotape just as you ordered, so
} no-one could ever find out..."
}
} "I think we can safely assume it's talking about my greatness."
}
} "Of course it is... that was exactly what I was going to say."
}
} "Of course you were."
}
} "Couldn't you just tell me what it says?"
}
} With a masterfully acted heavy sigh, I said "All right. It's obviously
} a question about security cameras in pay toilets - Quidquid being much
} money, latine being the descendant of latrine, (Quidquid Latine
} therefore being a pay toilet) sit being what you generally do in there,
} and viditur referring to the video being taken. Now can you answer it?"
}
} "Oh yes, most useful master, most cunning lingui"
}
} "Yes, yes, the old ones aren't always the best. Go!"
}
} "Oh, perfect one?"
}
} "You've got 5 seconds... 4..."
}
} "What does the supplicant owe us?"
}
} ".. 3... Oh... an empty toliet paper roll."


1145-09    (3jta3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who can count high enough to calculate the number of
> people killed this century by oppressive governments, pray tell me the
> answer to my question.
>
> Have you noticed that the most oppressive regimes have the most
> democratic names? Off the top of my head I can think of:
> * Democratic People's Republic of North Korea
> * People's Republic of China
>     * complete with the People's Liberation Army
> * The Union of Soviet Socialist Republic, (old, but it was really big)
> * Peoples Republic of the Congo
> * People's Republic of Bangladesh
>
> On the other hand, the more liberal countries in the world have
> innocent name like "Australia" or "Canada".
>
> Can you explain to me why this is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doublespeak.  Nothing cheers the peasants more than a government
} message that begins, "Hail, citizens and comrades!  Welcome to another
} day in this great and glorious workers' paradise!" and then proceeds to
} tell them they have to give their houses to The State or risk a very
} painful headache brought on by small-caliber bullets applied to the
} skull.
}
} Dodge this.
}
} You owe the Oracle a government, anywhere, that really tells it like it
} is.


1145-10    (hkh91 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The queue is almost empty.
> Consider sending stupid questions instead of inane answers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean like you did?  Ha, ha, ha.
}
} But seriously, you're right.  We need more questions in the queue,
} even if they are stupid ones.  Here are some suggestions:
}
} - Why did the Oracle cross the road?
}
} - How many Oracular priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
}
} - How many Oracular priests does it take to cross the road?
}
} - Can I give a vote of zero to some piece of garbage I find in
}   one of the Oracularities digests?
}
} - Can I use an abrasive cleanser to clean a SCSI card?
}
} You owe the Oracle the submission of each of these questions into
} the queue.


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