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Internet Oracularities #1146

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1146, 1146-01, 1146-02, 1146-03, 1146-04, 1146-05, 1146-06, 1146-07, 1146-08, 1146-09, 1146-10


Internet Oracularities #1146    (65 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 09:09:54 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1146
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1146  65 votes ilg91 3fre6 5gog4 5it85 1hqf6 34gvb 6goe5 68cli 9dnf5 4bikc
1146  3.1 mean  2.3   3.1   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.7   2.9   3.6   2.9   3.4


1146-01    (ilg91 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Oracle,
>
>  We here at the Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets have decided to
>  appeal to you to support one of the most underloved animals in the
>  world. We don't want you to send money, or to appear in a Public
>  Service Announcement.  All we are requesting is that you keep this
>  letter in mind whenever you have cause to speak of, or recommend a
>  pet, to a supplicant. Please consider the plight of underloved animals
>  and focus on the good qualities of tapeworms.
>
>  That's right, the tapeworm makes an ideal pet for all types of people.
>  Tapeworms do not mind whether their caregivers (the term we prefer to
>  the outdated "owner" or "host") live in apartments or houses.
>  Tapeworms love and depend on the people they live with, and in turn
>  they are quiet, courteous pets.  They do not smell, or make noise, and
>  they are very clean. Actually, they're quite filthy, but you'd never
>  know!
>
>  And best of all having a tapeworm means being able to eat as much of
>  anything that you want and never gaining a single pound!  Think of it,
>  its a diet and a pet!
>
>  So please consider this plea, and help the underloved tapeworm gain
>  its place as a pet everyone can live with.
>
>  Sincerely,
>
>  Willie Makit
>  President
>  Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Willie, I thanks you for your heart rending plea for a warm and caring
} attitude towards our symbiotic pals. I will graciously force tapeworm
} infested vittles down the throats of my priests, Zadoc, Lisa, and all
} the supplicants for the next twenty-four hours. Just glad to do the
} little bit I can.
}
} You owe the Oracle a helping of instant macaroni and cheese mixed with
} lots of Heinz Ketchup.


1146-02    (3fre6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fair and balanced,
>
> Why did CBS edit out Hillary Clinton being booed
> at the Washington D.C. Millennium celebration?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, a Clinton being booed is hardly *new*, is it?
}
} But what CBS *also* edited out was how the multiple boo's happened to
} form a specific chord, a chord which the Hillary android's brain
} interpreted as a "KILL" command from her Templar controllers, causing
} her to rip Janet Reno's arms off. The MIB's closed the whole area off,
} got the android under control, and stapled Janet's arms back on
} (Backwards - but nobody's noticed so far).
}
} As CBS is also part of the Templar crypto-fascist conspiracy, this
} part of the film was inexplicably "lost". This sort of thing happens
} all the time at CBS - like when the alien living in Bil Gates' nose
} had a negative reaction to the banana cream pie and levelled two
} Belgian city blocks with its radioactive fire-breath, or when they
} hired David Letterman.
}
} Trust no one, supplicant. Except for the Internet Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle the microfilm proving that Dan Quayle is JFK's
} Bizarro clone.


1146-03    (5gog4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the bread drop always in the butter side? Eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try buttering only ONE side of the bread, then you might have more
} luck.
}
} You owe The Oracle some money for jam.


1146-04    (5it85 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, should I continue to live with the woman that I'm
> now with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure. It might be difficult for her to accept you as a corpse. She
} might, for instance, have a sudden urge to bury you or incinerate you.
} Of course, if that's your bag...
}
} You owe the Oracle a weekend at Bernie's place.


1146-05    (1hqf6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Why do people ignore the sure warning sign that an Urban
> Legend is starting, the old "A friend of a friend told me.."?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Word has it that the sole reason is (and I heard this first hand from a
} friend of mine who knows the hairdresser of the gardener who trims the
} hedges for the production assistant that gets coffee for the accountant
} that did the paperwork for the 1996 taxes of the guy who sold a 30'
} sailboat to the husband of the woman who provided massage therapy for
} the creator of the telephone answering machine message that told John
} that Sarah really didn't want to see him any more on account of the
} genital warts who heard it from the woman that scheduled his doctor's
} appointment and knows first hand from listening to the subliminal
} messages one can only hear by playing Kenny G. records backward at 78
} r.p.m.) that the faster news travels, the less coherent is becomes.
}
} You owe the Oracle two purebred, AKC-registered choking Doberman
} puppies.


1146-06    (34gvb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who shaves with Occam's razor,
>
> One of the most common Internet success stories is that of a company
> that provides a free service on the web, so they lose money for a
> while, but eventually they attract enough users that some big company
> (usually Microsoft) buys it for a huge amount of money.
>
> It just occurred to me that you're providing a free service, which has
> attracted a large amount of users.  Will you be selling out soon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, it's not *exactly* a free service. I do turn a
} small profit from those outlandish tribute requests. Which reminds me -
} I haven't got that "Siegfried and Roy" tiger harness I asked you for
} last time around. Let's get on that, shall we? (Yes, I know that Roy
} is still wearing it...)
}
} Secondly, we haven't exactly attracted a large number of users.
} Recent voting statistics suggest we really only have a small group
} (about 75-80 max) of hard-core users. Even a penny-ante outfit like the
} "Hamster Dance" does better than that. At this rate we're more likely
} to be labelled a controlled substance than attract a big-money buyer.
}
} So, as a result, we're created an exciting NEW ORACLE WEBSITE,
} at http://internet.oracle.kz/ (Okay, the "kz" is "Kazahkistan".
} Long story).  This new site will feature far more than just the
} boring old Digest archives and priest bios. The NEW ORACLE WEBSITE
} will feature:
}
} * The Oracle Personality Quiz! Answer a handful of seemingly
} irrelevant questions and pidgeon-hole your psychological profile!
} Are you a Priest, a Benevolent Oracle, a Grovelling Worm, or a
} Neanderthal Injoke? Find out if YOUR preference is applicable in
} today's corporate temple!
}
} * Download the 2000 Oracular Priest Calendar! Male and Female editions!
} This month, find out what "Mr. January" Tim Chew does when he's
} "snowed in"!  Look out ladies! And for the guys, say hello to "Ms.
} January" Julianna Avedon and a hot-tub full of "Nutella"! Mm mm!
}
} * Everybody's gonna love "The Zadoc Dance"! Hundreds of lovable,
} zottable dancing Zadocs, shakin' their shakey things to a catchy little
} tune by Philip Glass's evil twin sister Buttercup. They're soo CUTE!
} Well.. in a physically repulsive sort of way...
}
} * Games galore! Everyone's favorite digestible gag, "Nethack in the
} Oracle's Temple" comes to life! And for the "Quake" fans, try our
} Shockwave version, "WoodQuake"! You're trapped in the temple and
} surrounded by mutant woodchucks, armed only with a ZOTMaster 4000.
} How many woodchucks would the Oracle frag if the Oracle could frag
} woodchucks? About a cord a day, but come find out for yourselves!
} [Note: only I'm allowed to play in "god mode". You understand.]
}
} That URL again, supplicants is http://internet.oracle.kz/ Visit our
} sponsors, "Yuri's Yak Yurt" and "Yaks.com"!
}
} You owe the Oracle Steve Case's phone number. And the tiger harness.


1146-07    (6goe5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "We rarely hear the inward music
> but we're all dancing to it nevertheless."
>         ~JalM-bluddM-nn Rumi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   This week only! The Innards Greatest Hits!
}
} Includes rarely heard tunes you've been dancing to
} for years!
}
} * 'Lub dub lub dub'
}
} * 'Growlin' Tummy'
}
} * 'Hormones Afire'
}
} * 'Cognitive Dissonance'
}
} * 'Methane Pain'
}
} Here's what the experts say!
}
} Dr. Burnheart Kristen; When I first heard 'Lub dub' I was
} standing over the opened chest cavity of 34 year old patient.
} I'll never forget that moment.
}
} Dr. Lara Nudephotos; We all hop when 'Hormones Afire' kicks
} in, we have no choice.
}
} Dr. Sigfile Fraud; Ja, da 'Cognitive Dissonance' rocks off
} da chart in der intellectual speaking sofa manner, ja.
}
} Dr. Blowhard Stern; 'Methane Pain' is a flush of breath
} aired in a stale dog sniff dog world.
}
} Order now! Listen to The Innards like you've never
} listened to them before!
}
} You owe the Oracle a check or money order for $19.95, if
} you act now you'll get a FREE Innards tee-shirt. Quantities
} are limited. Order now. Makes a great gift!


1146-08    (68cli dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who has the knowledge to answer questions, the
> power to ZOT idiots, and the difference-telling powers to tell the
> difference, hear your humble supplicant's plea:
>
> A while back, everyone got all hyped up about this millenium-change
> thing.  Then some intelligent people rightly pointed out that the new
> millenium starts in Y2K+1.  The general reaction seems not to be: "Oh,
> thank you for that correction; we'll postpone our celebrations," or
> even "Yes, but the 3 big zeros everywhere are so much more impressive
> than the fact that it's actually the new millenium." The reaction was,
> "Who cares?  Anyone who cares that much about this must be some kind
> of loser nerd."
>
> How can people care so little about accuracy and how can I do my
> part to make people see that not only was the celebration premature,
> but that this was an error of the most grievous kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <End intro of sad supplicant pleading with the oracle>
}
} <cut to title screen>
}
} THERE'S STILL HOPE Brought to you by the Church of Orrie of Latter
} Day Supplicants
}
} <camera cuts back to the Oracle, who puts on a "sad" face>
}
} Supplicant, I'm afraid I can't answer that question. You see, you're
} being what is known in the psychological world as a "killjoy."
} Come with me and we'll talk.
}
} <supplicant and Oracle start walking along a stone path in a park>
}
} I know you feel strongly about this, but you have to understand that
} the year "2000" is as arbitrary as "Wednesday." There's no real reason
} people shouldn't celebrate 2000. But you're intent on ruining the fun,
} I see.
}
} Supplicant: No, it's not that I want to ruin fun, its that it's
} incorrect!  Can't they see that...
}
} Oracle: Now, now, don't deny it. You used to ban the Free Parking
} pot, right?
}
} Supplicant: Yes! It wasn't in the rules!
}
} Oracle: And at camp, when you were 14, you told on the other boys
} who were sneaking over to spy on the girls' camp, right?
}
} Supplicant: YES! There are lots of dangers in the woods at night...
} they could've been hurt! I was just doing what was sensible!
}
} Oracle: Hey! It's ok! I understand! You needn't be ashamed of your
} condition, many people suffer from it. Only recently with the Y2K thing
} did we realize how severe the problem was. That's why we here at the
} temple decided to launch the "Killjoy Fellowship Community," in the
} hopes of bringing people like yourself back into the fold of normalcy.
}
} <the two reach a pair of large, white doors, which open with an
} ominous creak. A badly dubbed in Star Trek door sound effect starts
} a second or so after the door begins to open>
}
} Supplicant: Wow. The entire building is one long hallway.
}
} Oracle: Yes, supplicant, that's right. This way, we can monitor all
} of our projects at once.
}
} Supplicant: What're all these pieces of paper on this bulletin board?
}
} Oracle: Those are Tellme's I've received that all ask how we can
} convince people that the new millenium hasn't started yet.
}
} Supplicant: *All* those people asked before I did?
}
} Oracle: Yes. Sad, isn't it? Of course, we have your other Tellme that
} asks the same thing in different words up there as well.
}
} Supplicant <blush>
}
} Oracle: Anyway, if you'll come with me, I can show you what goes on
} here at the KFC.
}
} <They come to a window looking into a room which contains half a dozen
} people, each of which is bedraggled and wearing a hospital robe and
} wandering aimlessly around the room muttering to themselves>
}
} Supplicant: Are they...
}
} Oracle: Yes. People who've spent years planning New Years parties
} for January 1, 2001, only to have their fun pulled out from under
} them a year early.
}
} Supplicant: But they're right! The rest of the world is wrong!
}
} <Suddenly, one of the men in the room charges the window>
}
} Killjoy: 2001!! 2001! It's math! Come to my party! COME TO MY PARTY!
} <sob> I'm all alone!
}
} Supplicant: I'm scared!
}
} Oracle: Don't worry, he can't see you.
}
} Supplicant: No, I mean...
}
} Oracle: I know. Come along, lets see the therapy room.
}
} <The next window looks in on a man in what appears to be an electric
} chair.  A blonde nurse standing next to him is holding a series of
} flash cards>
}
} Nurse: Now I'll show you a picture and you tell me if it's fun or not.
}
} Killjoy: <first card> Balloons, yes they're fun. <next card> Silly
} hats, I guess they're fun. <next card> The NYE2000 at Times Square...
} was ... rrrnnnnnggggg ... fffff fuuuuu... nnnnnnnn.....  gaaaaaaah!
} It's a lie!  It's a lie! It's a year early you fools! It's...
}
} <Nurse throws a switch and the Killjoy starts twitching in the chair.
} His hair tweaks in strange directions>
}
} Supplicant: You're electrocuting him!
}
} Oracle: No, no, it's therapy to help him build up a mental block to
} tell him that it's not nice to ruin people's fun with facts. Later,
} when he wakes up, we'll read to him from one of the most fact-free
} pseudo-science authors ever.
}
} Supplicant: Crichton?
}
} Oracle. Yep. Come along, let's meet some of our successful entrants.
}
} <Oracle and supplicant walk out the back door to a bright, sunlit park.
} Several people in pastel polo shirts are sitting around a bench
} talking animatedly>
}
} Reformed Killjoy #1: Orrie! We were just talking about you.
}
} Oracle: Really? I didn't know.
}
} <everyone chuckles>
}
} Oracle: So Robbie, how's your sister doing?
}
} Reformed Killjoy #1: Well, she's keeping the baby from the one-night
} stand with the rock star, and next week she's marrying that cabbie
} she met last month who doesn't speak English.
}
} Supplicant: What? How are they supposed to...
}
} <Oracle cuts him off>
}
} Oracle: Dave, I saw you got digested in 1145.
}
} Reformed Killjoy #3: Yes. #7. Thank you. And thank Tim.
}
} Reformed Killjoy #4: 1237 percent increase after taking over Microsoft.
} <chuckle> Makes their stock jump 1237 points. He he. That was funny.
}
} Supplicant: But 1237 points isn't 1237 percent! You're idiots!
}
} Reformed Killjoy #1: Oh, Orrie! <smiling> Did you sneak a new patient
} on us and not tell us?
}
} Oracle: Aw, you caught me!
}
} Supplicant: What? I'm not staying! I have work tomorrow! I have things
} to do! I...
}
} <Reformed Killjoys start rising from the table and moving to surround
} the Supplicant>
}
} Supplicant: You can't do this! There're laws! People will notice
} I'm gone!
}
} Oracle: Yes, but once your friends and family find out WHERE you've
} gone, they won't complain.
}
} Reformed Killjoy #3: Yes supplicant <starting to look rather
} Morlock-ish> Welcome.
}
} Reformed Killjoy #1: You'll soon be one of us...
}
} Supplicant: Gaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle no more questions on this topic.


1146-09    (9dnf5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> We here at the Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets have decided
> to appeal to you to support one of the most underloved animals in
> the world. We don't want you to send money, or to appear in a Public
> Service Announcement.  All we are requesting is that you keep this
> letter in mind whenever you have cause to speak of, or recommend
> a pet, to a supplicant. Please consider the plight of underloved
> animals and focus on the good qualities of tapeworms.
>
> That's right, the tapeworm makes an ideal pet for all types of people.
> Tapeworms do not mind whether their caregivers (the term we prefer
> to the outdated "owner" or "host") live in apartments or houses.
> Tapeworms love and depend on the people they live with, and in turn
> they are quiet, courteous pets.  They do not smell, or make noise,
> and they are very clean.  Actually, they're quite filthy, but you'd
> never know!
>
> And best of all having a tapeworm means being able to eat as much of
> anything that you want and never gaining a single pound!  Think of it,
> its a diet and a pet!
>
> So please consider this plea, and help the underloved tapeworm gain
> its place as a pet everyone can live with.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Willie Makit President Society for the Promotion of Weird Pets

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear ___ President Makit ___ ,
}
} Thank you for your recent letter.  We appreciate your interest in
} the Oracle and all of his activities.
}
} In your letter, you specifically solicited the Oracle's aid in
} promoting ___tapeworms___ to supplicants.  As you may have guessed
} by now, the Oracle receives an uncountable number of solicitations
} each year regarding promotion of various products and/or services in
} his magnificent replies, and the sheer number of such requests makes
} personal replies impossible.
}
} Regarding your request to promote ___tapeworms___, we find we must
} regretfully decline to grant your request for the following reasons:
}
}    __x__  No grovel
}    _____  Exceedingly lame or insufficient grovel
}    __x__  Traditional bribe omitted
}    _____  Bribe submitted but insufficient
}    _____  Deals with w**dch*cks/lightbulbs/other lame jokes
}    __x__  Disgusting suggestion
}    _____  Hard to work into Oracular replies
}    _____  Boring suggestion
}    __x__  Recommended by Zadoc (who's really an idiot when it comes to
}           these things)
}
} If the above problems can be remedied, we would be happy to reconsider
} your request at some future date.
}
} Again, we regret that we are unable to grant your request at this time,
} but we value your continued interest in the Oracle.
}
} With kind regards,
}
} The Internet Oracle
}
} IO/kendai
}
} file:c:\corresp\formlet\reject.doc


1146-10    (4bikc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful Oracle who has knowledge of all cheeses, Oracle most wise
> and worthy, Oracle who could be the answer to my troubles.
>
> Please help me, I'm in a bit of a pickle. On Sunday I need to move
> out of my flat and move north to another flat. This entails packing
> up all my stuff and trying to fit it into my car, then driving for
> approximately three and a half hours to my new flat and unpacking.
> However, even after a certain amount of preparation it looks like I
> might have too much stuff. My car is a Ford Fiesta with a whopping
> 957cc engine,  and not a huge amount of space inside. So my multipart
> question is this:
>
> Will I be able to fit all my stuff in my car? If so how?
>
> If it won't fit into my car what do I do? Get rid of stuff, or use
> some other method to transport stuff?
>
> Or is there some other solution that hasn't even crossed my mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ford Fiestas are remarkable beasts. Rivalled only by the TARDIS by
} their spatial capacity I have no doubts that you will be able to fit
} all your stuff in.
}
} Here's what you want to do:-
}
} Push the passenger chair as far forwards possible. (If your car is
} in as bad nick as some I've seen then the passenger chair should
} be fully detachable.  Throw it away to save space. I doubt you'll
} be needing it as there are very few people willing to be seen in a
} Fiesta these days....)
}
} Put the back seats down as far as they will go and then place your
} largest, heaviest items across them. this will result in extra
} squidging of the cushions, getting you an extra centimetre or two.
}
} Pack all your hard surfaced items like videos and books in at the
} bottom of the car. then pack all the soft items like pillows and
} clothes around the outside.  If you really force them you'll be
} surprised how many you can get in.
}
} Any long thin items like ironing boards and clothes dryers will slot
} nicely down the back of your seat.
}
} Place any pets down inside your footwell. Not only will it be nice
} and warm, but it will keep them amused on their journey by having to
} dodge the pedals as you drive.
}
} If you don't mind losing a little performance you can always pack
} really small items into the cylinders. It will take away some of
} your powerful 957cc but I think the space gained will be worth it.
} While you are under the bonnet you can strap other items to the
} underside thus saving even more space.
}
} Shoes are always an unwieldy item to pack. To save space try stuffing
} objects inside them, like hamsters, to utilise the space better.
}
} Carry any delicate items on your lap as, in the event of an accident,
} the airbag will also protect them (but not your pets unfortunately)
}
} Lastly, have someone you know follow you along the motorway picking
} up any items that may tumble out of your opened boot along the way.
}
} Oh!  My Oracular synapses have just fired this corking idea into my
} brain!  Sign up for the AA Relay service a few days before embarking
} upon your journey.  Pack up the car as much as you can and then
} do some almighty damage to the engine. Once Mr AA has turned up
} he will be contractually obliged to tow you to your destination!
} you then get a nice easy journey while someone else has to drive,
} plus those AA vans have loads of space for any other items you were
} not able to fit. If you throw a tenner his way he may also see fit
} to helping you unpack. What a nice man. A very very nice man.
}
} Safe journey.
}
} You owe the Oracle one AA Road Atlas.


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