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Internet Oracularities #1147

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1147, 1147-01, 1147-02, 1147-03, 1147-04, 1147-05, 1147-06, 1147-07, 1147-08, 1147-09, 1147-10


Internet Oracularities #1147    (69 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 23:14:01 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1147
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1147  69 votes 5gqi4 9dlj7 7jmi3 8dkk8 3rma7 9lt64 9ov50 26htf 4gqg7 5flm6
1147  3.0 mean  3.0   3.0   2.9   3.1   2.9   2.6   2.5   3.7   3.1   3.1


1147-01    (5gqi4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and sportsmanlike Oracle, please tell me...
>
> I was thinking of going fishing with my nephew. I was wondering if you
> could tell me if it would be better to fill his pockets with sinkers,
> and run him like a spinner, or should I cover him with bobbers and sit
> him on the surface like a fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, with sinkers you'll get a much more vigorous thrashing
} motion, but it won't last very long.  At least with bobbers you
} can fish all day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to take Lisa's mother with you too.
} All the time asking when Lisa and I are getting married so she
} can get some grandkids -- it's driving me nuts!  You can use the
} sinkers with her.


1147-02    (9dlj7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> By no means is this over, Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No...
}
}                THIS
}               ORACLE
}
} *THAT* is this over Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle another one, this is fun.


1147-03    (7jmi3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I see ma'am. Here let me modify the image a bit more...
>
> 'Oh! Oh! Stop there. That looks just like him! That's the
>  man who accosted me! I'd know him anywhere. It was horrid.
>  I'd just come out of the nursery...'
>
> Ma'am. You're saying this is an accurate representation
> of the assailant.
>
> 'Oh yes, ever so much so.'
>
> Ma'am, this is a picture of a woodchuck, not a man.
>
> 'Oh no sir, it's the spiting image sir.'
>
> And this, this thing stole a tree from you?
>
> 'Yes! He took it. I'd just come out of the nursery
>  with it, a dwarf kumquat it was. And as I exited
>  the shop he took the tree from me and then flung
>  it all the way across the street and up on to a
>  roof. All the way across the street!'
>
> Thank you, ma'am. I'll have a sergeant drive you home.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm. . . let's see. . . should I answer with a Monty Python
} pastiche--maybe a twist on the "Knights that say "Ni":
}
} [Scene:  Well-manicured forest in England.  Several knights of short
} stature face several knights who are standing on stilts.  Between the
} two groups is a spindly tree in a plastic pot.]
}
} Tall knight: You call this a Shrubbery?  It looks like a KUMQUAT!!!
}
} Nah.
}
} Maybe a long screed against supplicants who use the W-word
} without asterisks? I could cut-and-paste one from almost any of the
} Digests--heck, I could simply point the supplicant to that Digest's
} URL:
}
} http://www.wmin.ac.uk/cgi-bin/oracle/d=515,q=7
}
} Nah.
}
} Maybe, since the woman appears to have vision problems,  I should
} compare her to Mr. Magoo?
}
} [Leslie Nielsen's voice comes over the intercom:]
}
}          "Ah, Orrie--you've done it again!"
}
} <*shudder*> Nah.
}
} Maybe I should dig out my Stan Freberg records and play up the
} Dragnet motif:
}
} [Scene:  typical municipal office.  Two middle-aged men in rumpled
} suits sit facing each other at a grey steel partners' desk]
}
} Frank:  Sure is a strange case, Joe--kumquats and woodchucks.
}
} Joe: Um-hum.
}
} Frank: Y'know, the missus always fixes her woodchucks with cranberries,
} not kumquats.  Have you ever noticed that, Joe?
}
} Joe: Ever noticed what, Frank?
}
} Frank: How most folks serve their woodchucks with cranberries and
} not kumquats?
}
} Joe: Um-hum. Kumquats.
}
} Frank:  'course, kumquats would make a fine relish with woodchucks,
} but no one ever uses them--they use cranberries.
}
} Joe: Um-hum. Cranberries.
}
} Frank: You should come over next time she serves woodchuck.
}
} Joe: Um-hum. Well, I'll see.
}
} Frank: Y'know, if you want, when you come over, she could skip the
} cranberries and make a kumquat relish.
}
} Joe: Um-hum.
}
} Frank: Love ta have ya, Joe.  Even if it means givin' up cranberry
} relish with my woodchuck  Y'know, most people serve their woodchuck
} with cranberry relish--they don't use kumquat relish.
}
} Joe: Um-hum. Let's not go through that again.
}
} Frank: Go through what again, Joe?
}
} Joe: How most folks use cranberry relish in place of kumquat relish.
}
} Frank: Oh,. . . you noticed that too, huh, Joe?
}
} Yep--that's the one I'll use.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mint copy of Freberg's "Green Chri$tma$" on a 45
} (that's a vinyl record, not a gun)


1147-04    (8dkk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,how can i eat herring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a herring aid of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle your sole.


1147-05    (3rma7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> The Internet Style Police wish to compliment you
> on Internet Oracularities(TM) #1146-06 wherein
> you correctly spell "Hamster", thereby educating
> readers who incorrectly think there should be a
> "p" in there somewhere.
>
> The Internet Style Police wish to censure you
> on Internet Oracularities(TM) #1146-06 wherein
> you incorrectly spell "pidgeon", thereby mis-
> educating readers into thinking there should be
> a "d" in there somewhere.
>
> The Internet Style Police deprecate the use of
> a spoof URL in Internet Oracularities(TM) #1146-06
> (http://internet.oracle.kz/). The provision of
> this address could have resulted in zillions of
> your misguided followers simultaneously attempting
> to access a non-existing site and initiating
> meltdown of the 'net.
>
> Sincerely,
> Anne O'Rack,
> ISP.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Anne,
}
} In regard to the respective spellings of "hamster" and "pidgeon,"
} sometimes those pesky letters drift around and, apparently, the "p"
} slipped off and came to rest, inverted, between a certain "i" and "e."
} We do have a fulltime letter wrangler, but he took the morning off
} because he had a dentist's appointment.
}
} As for the misguided followers simultaneously attempting to access a
} non-existing site and initiating a so-called meltdown of the so-called
} "net," it's a little late for that. The meltdown has been on schedule
} for years and it isn't my fault that you so-called "style cops" are
} just now noticing it. The signs have all been right out in the open,
} sunning themselves on a big rock. The big AOL/Time Warner merger is
} only the most recent example.
}
} Besides, I noticed more misspellings and grammatical errors on your
} site at http://internet.style.police.kz/ than virtually any other site
} on the web. And that includes the Artist's (formerly known as the
} Artist Formerly Known as Prince (formerly known as Prince)) site.
}
} Sincerely,
} T.I. Oracle
} TIO Inc.
}
} p.s. You owe the Oracle a little red '99 Corvette.


1147-06    (9lt64 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most joyous and bubbly,
>
> What would the Ancient Greeks think of diet soda?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, most grievous and flat supplicant, lets ask them now!
}
} /j #afterlife
}
} *** You are now chatting in #afterlife
} Orrie: seen archy?
} SeenBot: Archy is currently online in #heaven-philo
}
} /j #heaven-philo
} *** You are now chatting in #heaven-philo
} Orrie: hey archy what u think of diet soda?
} Archy: hi orrie i thnk it sux.
} Orrie: im sure our supplicant wnts 2 knw why...
} Archy: a yyy philo 1ce sed "image is nothing, thirst is everything"
} Archy: & if all i had to drnk ws dietsoda, id rthr dhydrte
} Orrie: I see...
}
} So there you go, most thirsty supplicant, right from the abbreviated
} mouth of the deceased.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Site Of the Day Award.  And a Coke.  Extra
} Caffeine.


1147-07    (9ov50 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It seems the last 6 months have been a living hell around the
> house...with a house fire, a car getting totalled, a burglary, a
> death in the family and my dog dying but work is going really well,
> should I just become a work-a-holic and never go home again? or should
> I move to tibet and get away from it all?
> Mike

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mike,
}
} Next time you write, include a grovel.  Luckily for you, I'm feeling
} extremely well-disposed this morning (Lisa's talent with 3 oranges
} and a small silver chain last night may have something to do with it)
} so I'm going to answer your question instead of ZOTting you.
}
} You should never go home again.  You should move as far away from
} that place as you can.  I can see into your future (I *am* the Oracle,
} after all) and I don't see anything but pain for you should you visit
} your pad again.  No, the only solution is to move to Indiana, USA,
} where you can join my bustling priesthood that never has anything bad
} ever happen to them (...well, not unless the priest's name is "Zadoc")
} and become a productive and happy individual who slaves away for me
} 25 hours a day.  Yes, you too can be just like Tim Chew.
}
} Should you decide to stay at home, you will suffer a string of
} burglaries and wake up one night surrounded by highly intelligent
} mutant gerbils that have escaped from the National Security Agency
} (yes, they breed mutant gerbils there all day).  These gerbils will
} tie you up and force you to watch reruns of "Lassie" until your
} head implodes.  So your best bet is to move here.
}
} Of course, you could always move to a better neighbourhood with better
} security, power points that do not spontaneously combust, and a vet
} who lives next door just in case your dog eats something it shouldn't.
} What do *you* think?
}
} Sincerely,
}
} The Internet Oracle
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a penthouse apartment in New York, where
} no bad things can ever happen to him.


1147-08    (26htf dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, am I ever going to get that promotion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not with an attitude like that. I mean, no grovel at all, not even a,
} "Hey, Orrie." It looks like you need to work on your people skills.
} Here's a little quiz for you:
}
} 1. You meet a woman in a bar and, to strike up a conversaion, you ask
} her for the time. She turns back to continue talking with her friends.
} You...
}     a) ...smile and move on.
}     b) ...say, "What's the matter, you on the rag?"
}     c) ...club her over the head and drag her out.
}     d) ...follow her home and commit hari kiri on her porch.
}
} 2. Your boss walks into your office at 4:47 and drops a stack of papers
} on the desk. "I need a report on this first thing in the morning," he
} says. You...
}     a) ...say, "Certainly, sir," and begin working on the report
}        immediately.
}     b) ...grumble under your breath and flip him off as he leaves.
}     c) ...wait until he leaves, then break into his office and urinate
}        in his desk drawers.
}     d) ...follow him home and commit hari kiri on his porch.
}
} 3. You're in line at the checkout with a cart full of items. An elderly
} woman with a single can of beets asks if she can cut in line. You...
}     a) ...smile and say, "Certainly, ma'am."
}     b) ...glare at her and say, "Back of the line, Granny."
}     c) ...knock the can from her hand, then kick her as she bends to
}        pick it up.
}     d) ...follow her home and commit hari kiri on her porch.
}
} 4. Some coworkers stop by your office to invite you to come along for
} lunch.  You...
}     a) ...grab your coat.
}     b) ...grab your door and slam it shut.
}     c) ...grab the closest one, drag him to the bathroom, and give him a
}        swirly.
}     d) ...follow them and commit hari kiri on the restaurant porch.
}
} 5. You need to make a phone call, but you don't have any change. You...
}     a) ...stop someone and ask politely if they can break a five.
}     b) ...stop someone and start going through their pockets.
}     c) ...stop someone and beat them senseless, then go through their
}        pockets.
}     d) ...follow someone home and commit hari kiri on their porch.
}
} 6. You're at the annual office Christmas party, and the boss's wife,
} obviously drunk, begins making lewd suggestions and gesturing toward the
} supply closet. You...
}     a) ...politely decline, then find some friends to talk to.
}     b) ...say, "Why bother with the closet?" and prop her up on the
}        nearest desk.
}     c) ...take her in the closet, beat her senseless, then go through
}        her pockets.
}     d) ...follow her into the closet and commit hari kiri on her lap.
}
} 7. You've just received an eviction notice, despite the fact that you've
} always paid your rent on time. You...
}     a) ...go down to the rental office and politely ask what the problem
}        is.
}     b) ...bring your lawyer to the rental office and threaten to sue
}        everyone in sight.
}     c) ...bring a shotgun to the rental office and kneecap everyone in
}        sight.
}     d) ...go down to the rental office and commit hari kiri on the
}        porch.
}
} 8. Down on your luck romantically, you answer a personal ad. When your
} date shows up, it's obvious she's lied about her weight, looks, etc.
} You...
}     a) ...compliment her, take her out anyway, and discover she has a
}        wonderful personality and is loaded, to boot.
}     b) ...roll on the floor laughing hysterically, then slam the door.
}     c) ...push her down the stairs while screaming, "Liar! Liar!"
}     d) ...step outside and commit hari kiri on your porch.
}
} 9. You're at your extended family's Christmas party, and your
} great-grandmother is standing underneath the mistletoe. You...
}     a) ...step up, kiss her gently on the cheek, and whisper, "Merry
}        Christmas!"
}     b) ...tilt her back, tongue-kiss her, and shout, "You've still got
}        it, Granny!"
}     c) ...push her out of the way, drag your brother's wife over, and
}        start feeling her up.
}     d) ...sit in the punch bowl and commit hari kiri.
}
} 10. You're sitting in the boss's office, and he asks you, "So, why
} should I give you that promotion?" You...
}     a) ...explain how much you do for the company, and what you think
}        you can bring to the new position.
}     b) ...say, "Why not?"
}     c) ...say, "You suck."
}     d) ...climb on his desk, weeping unconsolably, and commit hari kiri.
}
} Now, give yourself 1 point for every (a) answer, 2 points for (b), etc.
} If you scored:
}
} 10-15: Your people skills are fine. I'm sure the brusque tone of your
} question was merely due to the stress of having so many friends.
}
} 16-25: You have some definite problems, but nothing that can't be
} fixed.  Try not to be so impulsive, remember to use your manners,
} and treat others with respect, even if you don't mean it. With a
} little hard work, the promotion will be yours.
}
} 26-35: You were even up for a promotion?
}
} 36-40: Don't worry. All your problems will be over shortly.
}
} You owe the Oracle two grovels next time.


1147-09    (4gqg7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle has wisdom like that of all seeing spy camera that focuses
> on every humans every deed--he knows everything that happens in the
> land,
>
> How did so many people come to the conclusion that their lives are
> supposed to be free of all pain and suffering?
>
> I thank you wise one for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A valid question, my friend. The problem lies mainly with politicians,
} who promise that if elected they will ease our pain and solve our
} problems, and with religious leaders, who offer freedom from troubles
} in exchange for following their particular beliefs.
}
} However, both postulates belie the actual nature of Man's existence,
} regardless of whether you believe in God/gods or prefer the
} evolutionary scenario. For example, take the case where God exists.
} What better method does He have to encourage devotion and penance
} than to place his subjects in situations where they will need to seek
} his help? God has a vested interest in an imperfect world.
}
} If you take the evolutionary view, on the other hand, the argument
} for suffering becomes even more pronounced. Evolution is primarily
} a competitive situation, and as such, there will always be someone
} else trying to best you. The mere fact that an evolutionary system
} has winners implies that it must therefore also have losers, who will
} thus experience "pain and suffering."
}
} So the supposition that one's life should be free of trials is mere
} self-delusion, a denial of reality. Sorry this reply isn't terribly
} humorous, but you did ask about pain and suffering, now didn't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle three rosaries and a tax cut.


1147-10    (5flm6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Tragedy of Bill Gates
> A Play In Five Acts
> By Orrie Shakespeare

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soft!
} But not to speak before the time has come.
} The tragic William yet awaits the deed
} Wherein his empire, rip't in shreads, doth fail
} And Lowly Linux creeping up in bits
} Ascends the Mighty Window'd Throne to take
} Supreme and total mast'ry of the Earth.
}
} This Orb and all its fated bytes doth bend
} But is resiliant like the archer's bow.
} I must entreat thee yet, be not so swift
} To set thyself a gloating mind, for Bill
} In leaving Redmond keeps his powers still.


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