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Internet Oracularities #1148

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1148, 1148-01, 1148-02, 1148-03, 1148-04, 1148-05, 1148-06, 1148-07, 1148-08, 1148-09, 1148-10


Internet Oracularities #1148    (71 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 09:22:44 -0500 (EST)

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1148  71 votes igs63 2mnm2 3qrf0 4hjm9 8ktd1 2cul6 3bpie 4anig 1cqn9 6bgoe
1148  3.1 mean  2.4   3.0   2.8   3.2   2.7   3.2   3.4   3.5   3.4   3.4


1148-01    (igs63 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, how was your Groundhog Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've given it up and am now into boiledhog.


1148-02    (2mnm2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> What events will herald this upcoming Year of the Dragon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    As the year of the Rabbit withers in the garden of the great Chinese
} Zodiac, the year of the Dragon blooms forth in a splendid array of
} animated glee.
}    Finally, the long forgotten Puff, the magic Dragon, will be
} recognized as he should, by being displayed on lunch boxes, backpacks,
} and Trapper Keeper portfolio folders.
}    Falkor, the luck dragon of Neverending Story fame, will rise like a
} phoenix, but will still be called "that flying puppy dog."
}    The dragon from "Tic Tac Dough" will resurface, and steal prizes
} from unsuspecting "Wheel of Fortune" contestants. Pat Sajak will lose
} a finger while battling him.
}    "Enter the Dragon", starring Bruce Lee, will be digitally
} remastered, and distributed on DVD. It will eventual outsell "Titanic."
}    The character Peter Dragon, from the ill-fated Fox show "Action",
} will do a guest shot on "Everybody Loves Raymond", but that's about it.
}    "Dragonball Z" will be shown on Cartoon Network all year, with a
} special marathon in August. It will also replace the "Peanuts" comic
} strip in most locales.
}    The games "Dragon's Lair", "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons", "Double
} Dragon", and "Dragon Warrior", will see a sharp increase in sales.
} "Pokemon" will finally find its demise.
}    International Mahjongg rules will change, giving the Dragon suit a
} higher point value. In response, the Bicycle playing card company
} will add the suit to its 52 card decks, replacing the seldom used
} Clubs suit.
}    Next year, when the year of the Snake occurs, be on the lookout for
} unexpected events, such as "Anaconda" being re-released in theaters.
}    You owe the Oracle one of the heads of Hydra. And a fortune cookie.


1148-03    (3qrf0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most unpest like,
>
> Is 'Hello Kitty' a demon from the lower regions of Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello Kitty is a twinkling-eyed cartoon character which was invented
} and promoted by a Japanese company called Sanrio in 1974. Sanrio is
} famous for their cute, adorable cartoon characters, of which Hello
} Kitty is one, along with others such as Keroppi, Melody...etc. This
} line of cute little characters soon attracted millions of people around
} the world, starting in the US then spreading very quickly to the Asian
} countries, then the rest of the world. Hello Kitty is the most
} successful of all the Sanrio characters. Hello Kitty has produced
} different products all around the world, including wallets, watches,
} clothing, fabrics, Polaroid cameras, portable CD players/stereos,
} handkerchiefs, different stationaries, cutleries, lunchboxes,
} puppets... the list goes on and on. In Japan, the car company Mira also
} built a Hello Kitty car, and even Hello Kitty cellular phones are
} available.
}
} In other words: Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a share of the profits.


1148-04    (4hjm9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is The Best Thing since Sliced Dread, The Oracle is
> the Bat's Meow, The Oracle is a 1923 Ski-doo.
>
> How will the USA's new gold-colored dollar coin be received?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, this is the last time I'm going to explain it to you. Take notes.
}
} After the Treasury mints, or makes, the coins, they ship them off in a
} big armored car driven by uniformed ex-high school football linebackers
} with big guns to the banks. Somebody like you comes in with their
} welfare check and asks the bank teller to cash it. The bank teller asks
} for your driver's license, a major credit card, your library card, your
} Blockbuster video card, your thumbprint, an eyeball scan, your most
} recent hospital x-rays, a fifth of Jack Daniels, a short audition for
} the part of Bank Customer in the next Jerry Bruckheimer fiasco, your
} email address, and your review of the latest Smash Mouth CD. You tell
} her you don't have an email account and she rolls her eyes and says
} she'll just write "technophobe" in red ink on the withdrawal
} application. Once you sign the bottom ("here, here, here, and, oh,
} here, too"), she disappears into the vault, emerging ten minutes later,
} clothing slightly askew, carrying a medium-sized cloth bag. She opens
} the bag and counts out your withdrawal, one new gold dollar coin at a
} time, until the entire $179 is sitting in a pile on the other side of
} the bulletproof plexiglass partition. She indicates that if you would
} like the cloth bag, that it's extra since "these things don't grow on
} trees."
}
} And that, Supplicant, is how you will receive the new coins.
}
} You owe the Oracle your driver's license, a major credit card, your
} library card, your Blockbuster video card, your thumbprint, an eyeball
} scan, your most recent hospital x-rays, a fifth of Jack Daniels, a
} short audition for the part of Bank Customer in the next Jerry
} Bruckheimer fiasco, your email address, and your review of the latest
} Smash Mouth CD.


1148-05    (8ktd1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, John, Paul, George and Ringo were all the 'fifth
> beatle' to your fame and talent. Your white albums are the deepest
> white, and your black albums are the darkest black.
>
> Who exactly is the 'Fool on the Hill', why is he so foolish, what is
> the name of the hill, and finally, where is the hill located?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this opens up a can of words that the Beatles would prefer
} to have left closed, but, well, you asked.
}
} The Beatles wrote -none- of the songs credited to them.
}
} Not a one.
}
} What the Beatles did was have aspiring song writers mail in lyrics.
} Paul, George, John and Dingo then weekly dug through the mammoth
} deluge of lyrics they got each week looking for useable tunes. This
} worked well at first, but soon they noticed a disturbing pattern.
} The songs deviated from the set course, abadoning and straying from
} the expressed goal of providing good music for a confused world.
} Songs containing nothing but inane references to obscure elements
} of other previously recorded tunes became the norm. Then things
} turned real ugly and the submitted songs began to contain thinly
} veiled threats to disrupt the entire process if the submitted song
} was not recorded. One tune about a 'lucky cross dressing french
} vampire' was sent in 347 times! Each time accompanied by a dead
} mosquito that the submitter stated he had killed merely by tensing
} up his triceps. The tiny dead bugs were later determined to have
} been gorged with the blood of a common North American rodent.
}
} 'The Fool on the Hill' is now seen as the first tune submitted
} by a shadowy group know as the Bl..d[. or sometimes y] M.rm.ts.
} The Bl..d[. or sometimes y] M.rm.ts were taunting George in
} particular with that tune ('The Fool' in their eyes) as the group
} had come to see themselves as more important than the entire
} process.
}
} Once weeding through the chaff to find a good tune became so
} laborious as to have totally negated any fun involved in the
} process the Beatles disbanded.
}
} Side note: Was Paul the most prolific Beatle or merely the least
} discriminating when it came to picking songs from the queue?
} Was Dingo a failure as a song selector, or the most choosy?
}
} You owe the Oracle a squid's turnip patch, a wild dog and
} a pickled creature from the bottom of a bottle of mescal.


1148-06    (2cul6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Yummy,
>
> What new snack foods can we expect to see in the 2000's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most hungry:
}
} I am afraid that 21st-century snack foods will come as something of a
} disappointment to you. The 1990s have already given us the extremes of
} snack-food decadence (the deep-fried Mars bar) and minimalism (the
} oxygen cafe), while the shiny futuristic space-age snacks had their
} heyday in the 80s without ever reaching a wider market (nobody eats
} freeze-dried ice cream unless they've just been to a science museum).
}
} Still, here are a few glimpses of snacks to come:
}
} * Cloning technology and retro chic combine to give the world... woolly
} mammoth jerky!
}
} * Responding to M&Ms' claim to be 'the official candy of the
} millennium,' a group of pedants releases M&M&Is. The new candies
} reportedly 'melt in your mouth and in the back seat of your car if you
} leave them in the sun, but not in your hand unless you have warm hands
} or hold them very tightly for a long time.'
}
} * As Asian and North American pop culture continue to cross-fertilize,
} look for barbecue-flavoured prawn chips.
}
} * When the U.S. finally decriminalizes 'soft' drugs, large corporations
} will look for new ways of exploiting a product previously restricted to
} small, under-the-table operations. Eventually, every convenience store
} in the country will be selling Hash Twinkies.
}
} * The widening gap between the rich and the poor will force the former
} to look for new and ever more bizarre forms of conspicuous consumption,
} while the latter will resort to ever more degrading ways of scraping
} by. Wealthy homeowners will squander their money on chocolate bars
} flecked with gold dust, but they will have to hire armed guards to keep
} people from breaking into their septic tanks.
}
} * Microminiaturization technology will enable companies to produce
} computers that are small enough and cheap enough to fit into a soda
} cracker. You will be able to surf the web on a Saltine, and then
} crumble it up into a bowl of clam chowder.
}
} Bon appetit!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bar of deep-fried freeze-dried oxygen-enriched ice
} cream.


1148-07    (3bpie dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most ancient and sagacious, I am but an ignorant ephemera
> before you.
>
> We know what was happening in Sodom, but what were they doing in
> Gomorah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly each other, though domesticated animals were considered
} fair game as well.
}
} You owe the Oracle some salt.


1148-08    (4anig dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle,
>
>  Are negative numbers satanic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, why does everyone pick on Satan ?
}
} He's not such a bad bloke, I went to school with him.
}
} A bit highly strung perhaps, with a strong rebellious streak,
} and you do need to keep him away from matches, but not the
} evil eater-of-live-babies he's made out to be.
}
} That whole business with the Apple is what started it.
}
} You see Yaweh was not the most popular guy in school, a bit
} of a teachers pet actually, and always telling on the other kids
} whenever they broke the rules. Anyway, he had this apple tree,
} and actually was in the habit of bringing the teacher an apple
} every morning.
}
} The little weasle.
}
} So one night Satan and Loki snuck away from the boarding house,
} and changed a couple of bug jugs of water into wine, as was their
} habit. They were staggering home, somewhat merry, and they happened
} upon Yawehs apple tree. One thing led to another, and before you could
} say "up yours Yaweh" (actually, that's not true, they said it several
} times) the tree was completely devoid of fruit. And leaves. And
} branches. In fact, the technical term for what was left of the tree is
} "stump".
}
} Well, Yaweh went completely postal, ran screaming to the teacher,
} and accused Satan of the whole thing. Without a shred of evidence.
} Yaweh and Satan just never got on.
}
} Anyway, up pops Loki, and says "Satan was with me and Orrie all
} night sir".
}
} I, of course, backed up his story, having learned that when you're
} omnipotent, it's very important not to be a snitch. A couple of the
} other kids agreed we'd been in the boarding house all night, and then
} Shiva puts up his hand and says "I think I saw Adam down by the tree
} last night sir" - Shiva always was a trouble-maker, and he had his eye
} on Eve.
}
} So Adam took the rap, got run out of town, and the rest, as
} they say, is History.
}
} Yaweh, of course, never believed it, and has been bad-mouthing
} Satan ever since.
}
} You owe The Oracle a snake-skin coat.


1148-09    (1cqn9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> My family is being transferred from the Godgup 99 to Earth.
> What can I do to acclimate them in preparation for this change?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Prepare them for the periodic weather variations we call "seasons."
} Not all the planet is covered in ice.
}
} 2) Sunblock. SPF 45 at least. Bring your own, too - local sunblock
} may include zinc oxide, which is mostly inert to lifeforms here but a
} controlled substance "back home." (Unless you're in -that- business...
} never mind. I know nothing.)
}
} 3) Tell them to be VERY careful who they offer to shake hands with.
} Human hands and arms are attached to the upper outside corners of
} the torso. If one of your family should extend a hand in greeting to a
} human, it may be taken either as an insult or (less likely) an offer
} to procreate.  (Individuals who would make the latter mistake are,
} as a rule, NOT the kind of people one would want to procreate with.)
}
} 4) Instruct them in the proper use of liquid water. Godgup 99 being
} a remote world, water is more commonly used as a building material
} there. Attempts to build a structure from water here will mostly
} end in failure. (There are localized successes, but they are the
} exception rather than the rule.) Water here is used for recreation
} and transportation. Despite what you've heard, it is NOT a basic
} necessity of human life.
}
} 5) Beer is a basic necessity of human life. Therefore, you need not
} make special arrangements for reprocessing your metabolic byproducts -
} you will have plenty of volunteers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple hours in your pool. Don't worry about
} the color.


1148-10    (6bgoe dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was sent here as part of the Witless Protection Program.
> Where do I put my bags?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, so they leave it to the great and powerful Oracle to bestow a
} new identity upon you? Very well. Og will take your bags.
}
} We are running short of new identities, so we'll be giving you a
} modified application to fill out. Check only one box per section
} please.  When you are finished, Lisa will take you into the operating
} room/billiard hall and perform the necessary surgery. Also keep in
} mind that we are out of anesthetic, and we'll be working with Schick
} razors and hydrochloric acid.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} WITLESS PROTECTION PROGRAM                     DATE __________, 19_____
} FORM WT-9
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} 1. What sex would you like to be?
}    [ ] Not quite male, not quite female
}    [ ] Asexual (Be careful not to cut off a finger)
}    [ ] Celery
}
} 2. What sexual preference would you like to be?
}    [ ] Heterosexual, but you really like armadillos
}    [ ] Omnisexual
}    [ ] Anything that moves is fair game
}    [ ] Anything, moving or not, is fair game
}
} 3. What would you like your first, middle, and last name to be?
}    First Name        Middle Name         Last Name
}    [ ] Yogurt        [ ] Yogurt          [ ] Yogurt
}    [ ] Placenta      [ ] Velour          [ ] Khlanatakilasoniptual
}    [ ] Wrrlet                            [ ] Spermy
}    [ ] 55%
}
} 4. Please check one of each feature that you would like to have.
}    Hair                Eyes                   Body
}    [ ] Bad comb-over   [ ] One                [ ] Yakov Smirnoff
}    [ ] Ingrown         [ ] Three              [ ] Straw and twigs
}    [ ] Oozes pus       [ ] Two, with maggots  [ ] Giraffe
}
} 5. Where do you want to live?
}    [ ] Monte Carlo (The car, not the city)
}    [ ] Circus sideshow
}    [ ] San Francisco
}
} 6. What would you like your career to be?
}    [ ] Crack Whore
}    [ ] Vomit on demand for nickels and dimes
}    [ ] McDonald's cashier
}    [ ] Cat food taster
}
} Signature ________________________               Date _________, 19____
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} There you are. Please hurry in filling this out, I have to be at
} the spa in 20 minutes. Meantime, I'll tell Lisa to warm up the hot
} glue gun.
}
} You own the Oracle.. nothing. It's the least I can do since your name
} might turn out to be Yogurt Yogurt Yogurt.


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