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18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:32:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #115

Goto:
115, 115-01, 115-02, 115-03, 115-04, 115-05, 115-06, 115-07, 115-08, 115-09, 115-10


Usenet Oracularities #115    (18 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 13 Feb 90 14:47:46 GMT

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115   18 votes 44235 35532 26343 17820 13554 45252 08550 26622 01575 14490
115   3.0 mean  3.1   2.8   3.0   2.6   3.4   2.8   2.8   2.8   3.9   3.2


115-01    (44235 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell my girlfriend, without hurting her feelings, that she
> really ought to wear a bra or something under that tight, white sweater?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give your girlfriend a copy of the following poem:
}
} Oh Darling of mine
} I love you so
} And this is why
} I want you to know:
}
} I love your body
} I love your mind
} but you should know
} that I'm in a bind
}
} The sweaters you wear
} I love with much sound
} But I just don't like
} when your boobs flap around
}
} If you would just wear
} something for me
} some nice underwear
} say, 36 C
}
} with pretty pink lace
} and a little white bow
} you'll be gorgeous for all
} and know one will know
}
} Remember I love you
} from your head to your foot
} but I'll love you better
} when your boobs stay put.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bra. The Oracle wears a 42 DD.


115-02    (35532 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The piss race is when you flush the toilet and then start urinating in
> an effort to finish before the water stops flowing.  How many people
> do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my child, every human who has seen indoor plumbing has done
} this at one time or another.  (Males have the most fun, as they can
} watch the yellow water water swirling around.) A more pertinant question
} would be how many males can make a descent rendition of the Beatle's
} "Magical Mystery Tour" albumn cover while pissing in the snow.  (For
} those who drink less water, start with the white albumn.)


115-03    (26343 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Help!  I've got the (It's a world of) lyrics to "It's a (of hope
> and fears) Small World" stuck in (world that we share, and it's time) my
> head!  (It's a small, small, world.) How can I (and it's time we're
> aware) get them (It's a small world, after all) out (It's a) before
> (small world) I go (after all) insane?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy.  Just put something else there....
} Here, use this
}
} Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greet me,
} Small and white, clean and bright, you look happy to meet me....
}
} "Small World" will then be dispaced to someone else's head.


115-04    (17820 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Long ago, when the land was beseeched by the forces of evil, there was a
> propehsy that one day would come a means by which all men would be have
> access to the information and knowledge that at this time is only
> available to the finest minds.  It was also prophesized that one person
> would rise up as one who could give answers to even the simplest of
> these people, and that he would lead them.  O Oracle, is it possible
> that you are this man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I'm the one, but don't spread it around.  The access methods are
} still too limited so the prophecy has not been fulfilled...
}
} You owe the oracle 4 billion free network accounts.


115-05    (13554 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I want to glow in the dark.  What is the cheapest medical
> or surgical procedure to do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck:  humans Naturally glow in the dark---this according to
} recent work of Profs.  Pons anD Fleishmann of cold fusion fame, who
} dismiss other researchers' failure to replicate their experiment and
} brush aside objections to their methodology (P&F report that they
} conduct their experiments in daylight, then subtract out the sun's
} luminosity to calculate the intensity of the human aura).  Pons and
} Fleishmann warn, however, that their photometry suggests that this human
} aura is extremely faint, and advise people wishing to enhance their
} natural glow to supplement their diet with Heavy Water laced with
} Tritium and Vitamin E and garnished with a maraschino cherry.
}
} Not unpredictably, this prescription has received less than glowing
} reviews from the medical community.  The Oracle suggests that you try
} instead to enhance the sensitivity of the intended observer of your
} natural glow by supplementing his/her diet with lysergic acid, an
} approach equally unsanctioned by thE FDA but with much better anecdotal
} evidence in its favor.


115-06    (45252 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, sing me a song about mooses in the computer labs here at Penn
> State (pretty please?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh the mooses (da dee dum)
} On the looses (da dee dum)
} They never snoozes by the CRT (ta da dee yada.  tada dee yada)
}
} Oh the mooses (ba ba boom)
} On the looses (ba dee yada)
} Never gooses anybody but thee!  (beedeebeedeebeedebee)
}
} Oh, yes  (tadadada)
} You guessed (deedeedeedy)
} Edwin was that mooses name. (Spadeeyaddeeyada)
}
} Oh yes (babadooba)
} You guessed (shah be daba)
} All the mooses name' were all the same.
}
} Chor:
}       Gaga boga
}       Pas de deux da
}       Wadn dadda bop bop
}       Wadn dadda bop bop
}       Heebi jeebie  wop wop
}       Skeebie dadn hop hop
}       Wah ba bab bababababababababababababa
}
} Yes, Edwin Meese   (pababa)
} Came to town       (dadada)
} And started to tear  (f'bam)
} The Constitution down (ndada)
} Every body said
} They didn't need is any way (shazam)
} And that's why the Republicans
} Got to stay           (fadooba)
}
}       Boba dodn nada
}       Semi attn nada
}       Pe or i AAAAAAAAA!
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of "The Skat in the Hat."


115-07    (08550 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, most interesting and wise,
>
> I must know, why is it that my "Gas Dynamics Volume I" book for my
> compressible flow and propulsion course costs $105 when the rest of my
> books usually cost half that much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question has confounded the minds (and pocketbooks) of students
} ever since cave-students had to shell out rocks for cave-paintings.
}
} However, thanks to research and new advances in quantitative economic
} and decision science, the function of cost can be roughly computed using
} this simple equation:
}
} cost =            yz+qr
}         C*x*s*t* -------
}                    uva
} where:
}      x=displacement of book in cubic centimeters
}      y=number of useful equations
}      z=number of obscure definitions
}      q=number of original ideas
}      r=number of analogies/illustrations
}      s=number of people who must have this book for a class
}      t=edition number
}      u=number of quarters/semesters you'll need this book
}      v=number of people who actually read this book
}      a=number of other books you'll need for the class
}      C=book constant (which can be found in a book which costs $9000
}
} Remember, the cost of books can be kept low by choosing your classes
} carefully.


115-08    (26622 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm an oracleholic.  Tell me what is the proper number of questions to
> ask you every day?  How come I snap up the oracularities like they're a
> new Tom Clancy novel?  Why is my wife trying to cut down on my terminal
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To paraphrase Jay Leno, ``Ask all you want, I'll answer more''.  My
} child, there is no limit to my patience in answering questions.
}
} However, if you are trying to cut down (and if your wife is asking you
} to cut down, you had better cut down!) then you may want to try sending
} to "oraclelite" which has shorter, more useless answers and less tar
} than the regular Oracle.
}
} To cut down on your dependence, remember that you choose the questions,
} you also choose the answers.  You never ask a question without knowing
} the answer; however you often choose not to know the answer.  Once you
} have realized this, there is no need to ask---except to receive the
} answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tom Clancy novel.


115-09    (01575 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever finish my Ph.D.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Following a six-year period of great personal tragedy you will pen the
} final words to your disertation.  Your advisors and the faculty of your
} school will be monumentally impressed with your conclusions, and will
} begin cautious discussions of hiring you on as a full professor.  The
} industries will catch wind of your work, and significant corporate
} in-fighting will erupt as they prepare positions and salaries to entice
} your employment.  Your family and children will all gain some acclaim in
} their own circles, by benefit of being related to such a celebrated
} scholar.  Two months before your graduation, the president will make an
} oblique reference to the breakthrough your work signifies (though he
} won't say your name outright).  That same evening, aboard Airforce One,
} he will pen a personal letter of congratulations and Presidential Thanks
} to you.  On the day of your graduation, while putting on your robes for
} the ceremony, a private airplane will circle the campus, streaming a
} banner behind it that bears your name, a bold THANK YOU!, and the name
} of the town's mayor.  People will look up, applaud, turn and see you,
} and cheer with great vigor.  You'll hear thick emotion in the voice of
} your college's president as he calls you to the podium to receive your
} degree where approximately eight feet from his outstretched hand you
} will lose control of your sphincter and soil yourself prodigiously on
} national television.  Public opinion will turn, all offers will be
} withdrawn, and you'll die lonely and unknown with nothing but a grey and
} tattered college diploma for company.
}
} Yes, you will complete your Ph.D.
}
} You owe the Oracle the rights to your biography.


115-10    (14490 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some questions I ask you are answered very quickly, others take quite
> a lot of time.  If, oh wise one, you are omniscient then why does it
> take so long to answer my simple questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being omniscient doesn't preempt me from network traffic.  There are
} several networks a message must traverse before I can even look at it:
}
} 1)  The Internet -- a low technology mass of spaghetti.
} 2)  The Indiana LAN -- a slightly higher technology mass of spaghetti.
} 3)  The Oracular Transponder Packet Switched Slotted ALOHA Far Away In
}     Space Instantaneous Get The Question To Me Network (ORTRANPACK-
}     SALOHAFARAINSINSTGTQMENet)  This is a high-technology piece of
}     spaghetti attached to a very complicated looking FM antenna.
} 4)  The Oracle Local Area Network (OLANet) -- This network is used by
}     the acolytes and myself to play Flight Simulator battles with each
}     other.
} 5)  My terminal...  It's an original SUN 3/50.
}
} As you can see, it's not MY network load that causes the slowdown, it's
} the flight simulator throughput, er..., it's the load on the Internet.
}
} Yeah, that's the ticket.
}
} You owe the oracle a dive bombing run.


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