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Internet Oracularities #1150

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1150, 1150-01, 1150-02, 1150-03, 1150-04, 1150-05, 1150-06, 1150-07, 1150-08, 1150-09, 1150-10


Internet Oracularities #1150    (70 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 09:35:18 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1150
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1150  70 votes 5jol1 8frh3 2noe7 bjjd8 3crp3 3ctk6 7jfja 8dnl5 2dtj7 bjkc8
1150  3.0 mean  2.9   2.9   3.0   2.8   3.2   3.2   3.1   3.0   3.2   2.8


1150-01    (5jol1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, whos eye-grit is wiser than I,
>
> I seem to have lost my script for "Teletubbies meet The Predator"
>
> do you have a copy ?
>
> The contents of this email are confidential and may only be used or
> disclosed by
>                                  the addressee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately I don't have time to dig it out right now--maybe one
} of my other incarnations can.
}
} However, I do remember the basic plot.
}
} It begins "One day in Telletubby land, something strange happened."
} Tinkey-Winkey then enters the house, and goes to make some Tubby
} Custard. Instead of the nice creamy yellow gel coming out, it oozes
} a thick red substance and bunny fur.  We then see the Predator
} materialize, and a scream of "Uh-Oh" is cut short.
}
} Cut to the other Telletubbies playing hide-and-seek behind some trees.
}
} Cut back to house.  The Loo-loo is cleaning up a mess of red liquid
} and purple cloth.  Again, the Predator materializes, and we see a
} gray/black dryer hose flying across the room.
}
} From there it basically goes into a bit of a lull, with a lot of
} "Uh-Oh"s and "Wun Away!!"s, and a big decline in the bunny population.
}
} The remaining Telletubbies eventually discover that they can tune in to
} the Predator on their bellies, and can track and evade him with ease.
} As they see him tracking down the last bunny, they converge on the
} spot to try to prevent it.  Alas, they are a bit too late, and a
} large cry of "Awwww" leaves their mouths.
}
} At this horrendous sound, the Predator begins to shudder.  Po then
} shouts "Again! Again!," and the Predator shakes even more at the sound.
} With cries of "Again! Again!" and "Time for Predator bye-bye, time
} for Predator bye-bye" filling the air, the Predator is seen covering
} its ears, cloaking, and running screaming from Telletubby land.
}
} You owe the Oracle some earplugs.


1150-02    (8frh3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GOD YES! YES! YES!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nononono!  I said "interFACE," not inter....oh, forget it.
}
} You owe the Oracle streaming video of your....err....interfacing.


1150-03    (2noe7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Kind Oracle,
>
> The digging, the jackhammers, the huge dump trucks!
> When will it end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Patience, pet.  It'll all be over as soon as they finish putting
} Tammy Faye's makeup on.
}
} You owe the Oracle fifty tons of cotton balls.


1150-04    (bjjd8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the
> American people
>                 - P.T. Barnum

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Or of supplicants, apparently.


1150-05    (3crp3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Might Oracle, whose has heaps of holy data and stacks of divine
> sagacity, who has queues of adoring supplicants with pointers to the
> ineffable and inexplicable, please tell me this...
>
> What will the future hold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on what model it is.
}
} If you bought a ``King Future'' (model 42172942) from The Internet
} Oracle Enterprises, ltd, your future holds a large castle, a beautiful
} consort, intelligent children, a peaceful reign, *and* a special bonus
} place to keep the dog (this future will hold up to 20 dogs if you buy
} the extra ``Dog Bonus++'' from us, now available at a special discount
} price of only $41.99).
}
} If yours is a ``Gates Future'' model, you will get money in excess of
} $50 billion, a very large house, chairman position position on the
} board of a famous company, and a cat (NOTE: cat is only available in
} North America; European users receive a free tadpole).
}
} Please also take note of our very special ``Gore Future'' model, which
} includes having invented the Internet, and being vice-president of a
} large industrialized country. (For president, a supplement must be
} paid. We may be out of stock.) The ``Gore Future'' item is available
} for only $665.99: please quote reference number 12345678 when
} ordering.
}
} The details of what is held by our ``Happy American Family Future'',
} ``Successful Professional Life Future'' and ``Special Genius Bonus
} Pack'' items are explained in the instructions leaflets (``How To
} Use'' and ``How To Make the Best of Your Future'') that accompanies
} our products.
}
} --NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--NOTE--
}
} If you have a freeware (aka ``pro bono'') future (e.g. the ``Lousy
} Nerd'' and ``Stupid Geek'' families of products), we remind you that
} these products are provided AS IS, and WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY, express
} or implied, without even the implied warranty of SUCCESS, HAPPINESS or
} FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. We apologize for the inconvenience.
} User's manuals and technical support can be purchased separately.
} Your mileage may vary. Contents may settle during shipment. Not to
} be sold to children under 85. May be too intense for some viewers.
} Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of Agreement. Tadpole may, in
} time, turn into a toad rather than a princess. No user-serviceable
} parts inside. Batteries not included. Futures' desciptions are
} subject to change without notice.
}
} The Oracle wishes you a nice day. Please do not write below this} line.


1150-06    (3ctk6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who's manly body makes woman drool and dazzling intellect
> makes everyone seem like a drooling idiot by comparison.
>
> How would psychology be different today if Pavlov was a cat person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excercise time at the sanitarium wouldn't be signalled with the sound
} of a bell, but a can opener.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fuzzy mouse.


1150-07    (7jfja dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle, we humans profit by your arguments quite strictly.
> And you are as much interested in this as any, as your fall would
> be a signal for the heaviest vengeance and an example for the
> world to meditate upon.'
>
> Should I stick it out for another 3 years to get the added
> retirement goodies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you stick it out for another 3 years it'll just get sore and
} wrinkly, so I'd recommend you retire now.
}
} And I hate to disillusion you, but flashers don't get any
} "retirement goodies".
}
} You owe the Oracle a trenchcoat. Dry cleaned. Twice.


1150-08    (8dnl5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle Most Wise, whos exploits are truly thrilling.....
>
> The room was small, the plaster cracked, the carpet thread-bare.
>
> There was a single bed, unmade, a small, coffee-stained wooden table,
> two wooden chairs,  and a sink. Above the sink, where there once had
> been a mirror, was a slightly less dirty patch of wall, now covered in
> names and telephone numbers in a hundred different illegible scrawls.
>
> The dim light from a single 30 watt bulb was sporadically augmented
> by the flickering red neon sign of a strip-joint across the street.
> The unmistakable stench of stale urine filled the room.
>
> A nervous, balding little man with wire-rimmed glasses and beadly
> eyes paced the floor, occasionally pausing to suck on the cigarette
> he held in his left hand.
>
> "Vun more tyme, Herr Oracle, vere iss der planz fur de Staff ov
> Zottink ?"
>
> "You'll never get them from me, Fritz" his captive replied coolly.
>
> The man chained to the chair was everything his captor was not, tall,
> athletic, handsome, and confidant.
>
> "Ve have vayz, you know, ov makink you talk." the small man said,
> with obvious relish.
>
> "Do your worst to me, nazi scum, you'll get nothing."
>
> "I vaz tinkink of frauline Lisa, such a fine voman, such a shame if
> anythink should happen to her. You know, my men hav been avay from
> zeir vives for a long time...." the small man leered.
>
> Suddenly, the door burst open, and a man in a mask and figure-hugging
> Lycra suit stepped through.
>
> "Give yourself up now, evil-doer, for I am Zabulon The Mighty !"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The small man looked at the figure in the doorway, then glanced to
} the side at the german colonel and his guard.
}
} "I svear," said the colonel, adjusting his monocle. "I don't know
} who this man is General Burkhalter."
}
} "Klink, I'm warning you," said the little man, "if this is another
} vone of your ploys, you're in for it!"
}
} "I know nothink!" said the guard.
}
} "Step away from the prisoner!" said Zabulon.
}
} While the germans were distracted, a figure appeared in a trap door
} on the floor next to the Oracle.
}
} "Bonjour, meesyor Oracool! I am LeBeau. Colonel Hogan has plans to
} get you out of here."
}
} "What happened to your accent?" said the oracle.
}
} "I am an acteur," said LeBeau. "I'm not even french, I'm from Toledo."
}
} After slicing through the ropes that bound the Oracle to the chair,
} Lebeau helped him down the trap door and through the secret tunnel
} under the camp.
}
} Meanwhile, Zabulon continued to confront the germans. When he saw
} that the Oracle was safely away, and the trap door was closed, he
} raised his toy ray gun and pointed it at the chair.
}
} "Klink!" shouted the small man. "Ver is de prisoner!?"
}
} "He made him disappear General Burkhalter!"
}
} "I know nothink!" said the guard.
}
} "I must use your radio, Klink. If the allies are using superheros
} then ve must haff one too!"
}
} <cut to the secret tunnel under the barracks>
}
} Zabulon arrived, climbing down yet another secret entrance. Hogan pats
} him on the shoulder.
}
} "Good work, Carter, you really had 'em going there."
}
} "Did you see zer faces when they saw zat the chair was empty?" said
} LeBeau, and they all laughed.
}
} "Well," said the Oracle, "I must be going. Can I ask why you guys
} don't use these tunnels to escape?"
}
} "Because then," said Hogan, "there'd be no show!"
}
} Everyone laughed mightily at the joke. The Oracle shook hands all
} around and, touching the brim of his hat, he turned around and started
} to walk down the dark tunnel. Suddenly, he stopped.
}
} "I almost forgot!" he said, reaching in his pockets. "The secret
} delivery I was supposed to make to you, Hogan!"
}
} He tossed a small package to Hogan, then turned and disappeared down
} the tunnel. The men all gather around Hogan as he opens the package.
}
} "What eez eet?" asked LeBeau.
}
} "It's a special delivery," chuckles Hogan, then he pulls a pair of
} nylons out and shows the men.
}
} The men shook their heads and turned to walk away from Hogan.
}
} "Wait!" Hogan shouted. "They're not for me!" But the men kept their
} backs to him.
}
} "They're for Hilda! I swear!"
}
} <cut to theme song>
}
}
} You owe the Oracle some more walk-ons on old shows.


1150-09    (2dtj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, you are more talented than a locomotive, and can leap from
> a speeding bullock in a single bound.
>
> There is a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program,
> and it uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from
> Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line
> on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis,
> flammis acribus addictis."
>
> There is no need for me to translate that for you, owing to your
> marvelous mental mind.
>
> My question is, where was Microsoft's admittedly well-educated staff
> while that particular ad was being concocted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microsoft has a Staff of Education?   They obviously haven't been using
} it on their programmers recently...
}
} Anyway, the Top Ten Most Inappropriate Advert Themes... Ever!
}
} 10. "Gimme a Man After Midnight" - Tampax
}
} 9. "Nessun Dorma" - Nytol
}
} 8. "Ghost Town" - Millenium Dome, London
}
} 7. "6 Underground" - Coop Funeral Parlors
}
} 6. "Get Up (I feel like a sex machine)" - White house intern
}    recruitment
}
} 5. "Hard to Handle" - Vauxhall cars
}
} 4. "Don't go Breaking my Heart" - Donate Blood Campaign
}
} 3. "Mad World" - British Beef
}
} 2. "Blowin' in the Wind" - Heinz Beans
}
} And the most inappropriate music used in an advert ever is...
}
}  "Hit Me with your Rhythm Stick" - Recruitment campaign, LAPD
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Latin dictionary.


1150-10    (bjkc8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, in Austria the most watched show is this one channel's
> weather report.
>
> Why? I'll tell you.
>
> A totally nude women appears on the screen as the weather
> report starts. She then listens to the weather report and
> based on that report decides what to wear for the day and
> dresses accordingly.
>
> Now that's TV.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the most watched show on American Cable is the New Babies report
} on Channel 67. Why? Because it starts 9 months before the birth and
} viewers tune in to watch the conception.
}
} Now *that's* TV.
}
} You owe the Oracle more naked people on TV.


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