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Internet Oracularities #1152

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1152, 1152-01, 1152-02, 1152-03, 1152-04, 1152-05, 1152-06, 1152-07, 1152-08, 1152-09, 1152-10


Internet Oracularities #1152    (72 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 17:19:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1152
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1152  72 votes 9nne3 idbic 1dzj4 ijdca agre5 ddji9 bnhh4 aso91 1hpn6 cohe5
1152  2.8 mean  2.7   2.9   3.2   2.7   2.8   3.0   2.7   2.5   3.2   2.7


1152-01    (9nne3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Egor: "More questions for the master, yes, yes, more questions for the
> master..."
>
> Oracle: "Er, Igor-"
>
> Egor: "That's Egor, master, yes, yes"
>
> Oracle: "Egor, then. Egor, I think that you're not quite suited for the
> position of Oracular in-joke-"
>
> Egor: "Does the master want to whip me, chain me?"
>
> Oracle: "Er, no. I'd like you to leave."
>
> Egor: "Why does the master abandon his loyal Egor?"
>
> Oracle: "I really don't see how I can be abandoning you; I only met you
> three minutes ago."
>
> Egor: "Does the master not like my hunch, my raving, my glass eye?"
>
> Oracle: "Er, no. And I'm the Oracle. Look, can you leave?"
>
> Egor: "If that is what the master wishes."
>
> Oracle: "It is."
>
> [Egor leaves. Zadoc enters.]
>
> Oracle: "Who's next?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc:  Well, sir, my honored lord, there's Felicia the Flippant, Tommy
} the Three-eyed all-man...
}
} Oracle:  Enough!  Zadoc, explain to me again why we need more
} in-jokes...
}
} Zadoc:  Why, you approved my vacation last week, m'lord.
}
} Oracle:  Zadoc, as you well know, I am reincarnated every time someone
} asks me a question.  With infinite knowledge and wisdom, but not
} infinite memory.  So you'll excuse me if I say - - not to be mean,
} mind, but to suggest the possibility - - that you saw your chance with
} the last supplicant and slipped in my briefing this time that I
} accepted your proposal for a vacation.
}
} Zadoc:
}
} Oracle:  I beg your pardon.
}
} Zadoc:  Oh, my most forgiving and awe-inspiringly gratuitous Lord, I
} have not had a vacation in ages--
}
} Oracle:  Menservants usually don't...
}
} Zadoc:  And I so wanted one, my - -
}
} ***ZOT***
}
} Oracle:  Damn.  Now I really _do_ need a new in-joke.  Bring in Felicia
} the Flippant!


1152-02    (idbic dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
>
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
> I'm going in circles!
>
> Ha Ha!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ewwww, most of us don't care to know the last thoughts of feces.


1152-03    (1dzj4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Evolution favors the strong and the smart shouldn't sooner or later
> the explosion in USENET groups stop as a few more powerful groups
> devour them? What groups will be left after the Great Shake Down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, my crystal ball is a little fuzzy at the moment.  (I
} *told* Zadoc not to mess with things he doesn't understand, and now
} there's a big crack down the middle of it.  And my supplier has a
} three-week backlog due to all the political analysts buying up supplies
} for the U.S. presidential race.  Sigh.)  But I'll try to see what I can
} see.
}
} The winners after the Great Shake Down will be the following groups:
} (Note: Most of these are hierarchies right now, but after the Shake
} Down, the Cabal will start with really large groups and let the
} participants start subdividing them all over again.)
}
} * comp.os.ms-windows.  Microsoft has already infiltrated everything
}      else in life; once they figure out that Usenet is where the *real*
}      power lies, they'll be all over it.
}
} * rec.arts.startrek.  Star Trek can't be killed.  NBC tried in the 60s.
}      Some say Paramount tried to kill it with Star Trek V.
}      But Trekkies will exist forever.
}
} * alt.sex.  If there wasn't sex on Usenet, 90% of the traffic would
}      die. 'Nuf said.
}
} * clari.living.comics.foxtrot.  In what other comic strip can you find
}      poetry like this:
}       "I think I shall never see
}        A poem as lovely as a binary tree ..."
}   FoxTrot will live on in the hearts of all hackers.  (Unless Lisa
}   manages to infiltrate the Cabal, in which case it might end up
}   being clari.living.comics.forbetter which survives instead ...)
}
} * alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork.  Never underestimate the power of
}      someone you can't understand wielding a knife.  That's how the
}      Great Shake Down will start ...
}
} * rec.pets.mice.  No one will quite understand why this group suddenly
}      appears after the Shake Down.  But strangely enough, it
}      becomes the most popular group of all.  (Personally, I think the
}      mice know, but they're not telling.)
}
} * rec.humor.oracle.  Of course.  You think *I'd* allow it to die?
}
} There you have it ... the new "big 7" groups.
}
} You owe the Oracle two new clerks to field all of the "How do I
} compose a SQL query" posts which will get directed at rec.humor.oracle
} after the Shake Down ends.  (Sigh.  I can see it coming ...)


1152-04    (ijdca dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, bigger than any 16-wheeler ever,
>
> If I marry my girlfriend, will she still be my cousin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bill, listen up. You.are.still.married.to.Hillary.


1152-05    (agre5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great bastion of wisdom, oh fount of knowledge, oh grand and
> wondrous Oracle, grant your humble servant this one request...
>
> Can you help me move next Saturday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, no, but if you eat lots of fiber on Friday it should help.


1152-06    (ddji9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and knowledgable Oracle, ever so in sync with the ways of the
> feline,
>
> What would the world be like if there existed two species; humans and
> cat-humanoids? Would catgirls look as cute in real life as they do in
> anime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you misunderstood when your buddies told you that you
} need to get a little pussy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 'G' rating.


1152-07    (bnhh4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who hates jayhawks with a passion,
>
> How can I avoid the state of misery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stay quietly on the other side of the river in Illinoisy.


1152-08    (aso91 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle most wise, a question has perplexed me from
> time untold,
>
> Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little-known fact that if you were to shave a zebra, not only
} would you piss it off pretty well, but you would reveal (for the short
} life-span you have left) the fact that the zebra's skin is striped as
} well.  No one knows why this is, however, seeing as how the only way a
} zebra would lose its hair would be for some jerk to shave it off to see
} what color its skin was, and the zebra would no doubt mule-kick the guy
} before he got far enough to make all that much difference.
}
} You owe the Oracle a zebra-skin rug.  Oh, all right, a _fake_
} zebra-skin rug, so we don't offend all the animal rights wakos out
} there.


1152-09    (1hpn6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, who demands nothing less than
> perfection, please tell me...
>
> With all the tributes people send to you, do you ever have supplicants
> send you the wrong things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you asked, since I was just reviewing the tribute closet
} inventory the other day.  Apparently many supplicants are downright
} illiterate.  Just look at this list:
}
} A cartridge in a bare tree (okay, maybe this one was a joke)
} Ten grams of Coca-Cola
} Certificate for a free trip to Rome, Georgia
} All the change from Donald Trump's sofa cushions
} A rabbit's butt
} A cracked pipe
} The heart of a young boy (in a jar, unfortunately; supplicants are so
}   literal)
} A bed from Hill Gates Retirement Home in West Palm Beach, FL
}
} And I can't count the truckloads of gravel delivered to the Temple.
}
} You owe the Oracle--oh, forget it.


1152-10    (cohe5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the almighty oracle
> What is the deal with chicks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Same as with any other creature. One card each and if you lose your
} place deal the next card to youself and then go backwards until all
} the cards are dealt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a partner that uses the phony one club opening.


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