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Internet Oracularities #1153

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1153, 1153-01, 1153-02, 1153-03, 1153-04, 1153-05, 1153-06, 1153-07, 1153-08, 1153-09, 1153-10


Internet Oracularities #1153    (66 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 23:09:52 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1153
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1153  66 votes 3gjia 4fjl7 4dnh9 5ilh5 4aAc4 1ijia 6gqd5 9cpd7 6hqc5 17rjc
1153  3.1 mean  3.2   3.2   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.3   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.5


1153-01    (3gjia dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [ Zadoc shuffles into the room. He is clad in a black derby, an
>   ill-fitting, cheap, depression era suit and bow tie. Zadoc stops,
>   takes the hat from his head, musses up his own hair and says: ]
>
> "I'm sollie Orrie."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "And you damn well should be.  Going on vacation in the mid-twenties!
} What have I told you about using that time machine?  Just look at the
} mess you've caused!"
}
} "I'm sollie, Orrie."
}
} "And what happened to your groveling?  Have you endeavored to grow a
} spine on your journey?  Down on your knees!"
}
} [Zadoc drops to his knees with a satisfying <<crack>>, head still bowed
} and hat still clenched.]
}
} "I'm sollie, Or - - I mean, I deeply apologize, oh honourable one, oh
} ultimately forgiving and generous boon to all that exist in this plane,
} oh - - "
}
} "Shut up, Zadoc."  [The Oracle begins pacing back and forth in front of
} his throne, Zot staff in hand.  He hardly seems to know it is there,
} however, and instead gives the impression of conducting a very harsh
} symphony as he waves it about]  "I just don't know what I'm going to do
} with you.  I mean, this is almost worse than the time you criticized
} Adolf's paintings, telling him he had no place in the art world.  And
} what happens?  He goes into politics!  Or the time you commented on
} Archduke Ferdinand's dress sense, and so he arranges his tunic so that
} the whole thing slips on as one piece, making the buttons merely
} ornamental!  The day he gets shot, no less!  I just don't know - - two
} World Wars in two weeks!  I'll never forget that holiday!"
}
} "I bow before your infinitely fair and wholly wrath, and await your
} call of judgement as a - -"
}
} "I said shut up, Zadoc.  But this time..._this_ time, you surprised
} even me!  Me!  The Oracle!  Infinite wisdom, omnipotent me!  And you
} completely blind-sided me on this one!  One minute, everything's fine,
} we're living in a relative paradise here in America, starting to turn
} everything around - - and then BOOM, suddenly there was a depression in
} the nineteen twenties that hadn't been there fifteen minutes ago, the
} U.S. has not only lost thirty-seven states, but is over its head in
} debt, and there is, from all reports, a recession going on.  I'm very
} cross, Zadoc.  WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!"
}
} [Zadoc is, by now, lying prone before the Oracle, mumbling praises, and
} seems a bit taken aback by the question.  Before he can speak,
} however:]
}
} "I said SHUT UP, Zadoc.  I'll tell you what you did.  You advise
} everyone to pull their money out of the stock market.  When that
} started to go wrong, you panicked, and told everyone to pull out of the
} banks, too.  The whole economic structure collapsed, and was
} practically dead in the water until the forties, when you finally
} manage to do something right for a change and get some bloke named
} Roosevelt to take the Presidency.  Then you went back to the twenties
} and tried to change it back - - and only made it worse!  Zadoc, I have
} decided on your punishment!"
}
} [Zadoc, by now, is taking groveling to a whole new level, and is so
} flat against the ground he is almost two-dimensional.  As he answers,
} all that can be heard is a slight rumble as the tile reverberates the
} vibrations from his vocal chords.  The Oracle understands, however.]
}
} "Shut up, Zadoc.  You owe the Oracle a seventy-three million-word essay
} on what you've done, corrective measures that can be taken, due
} tomorrow, and written on the head of a pin.  And no block letters this
} time - - I want cursive!"
}
} "Oh yes - - and the keys to the time machine."


1153-02    (4fjl7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who never hits a Whammy, avoids the Devil, and climbs
> to the top of the pyramid in less that 60 seconds...
>
> What game shows will be popular in the future? Will we ever see the all
> new three-dimensional "Hollywood Cubes"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting you should mention the Cube, since it is ultimately tried
} and ultimately fails. However, a variation on the theme will do quite
} well. And it will be a Canadian export, no less. "Vancouver Cylinders"
} is hosted by Alan Thicke and features celebrities in tubes instead of
} squares or cubes. The format is similar to the old "Hollywood Squares"
} save for the fact that, if the secret tube isn't selected by a
} contestent before the end of the game, the celebrity in the tube is
} fired from the tube into a large tub of water on the opposite end of
} the studio. With the exception of a few minor mishaps, celebrities will
} clamor to be on the show, eager to be "shot." The center tube is, of
} course, larger than the surrounding tubes in order to accomodate the
} larger celebra like Roseanne, John Goodman, and Louie Anderson (who at
} the end of the third season suffers a nasty singe on his posterior when
} too much gunpowder is used to shoot him from his tube).
}
} Some other variations on well-known game shows, most of which will fail
} miserably:
}
} Urban Jeopardy: "From a studio in an undisclosed warehouse deep in the
} heart of Brooklyn, it's Urban Jeopardy, with your host, Bernie X." In
} this variation on the famed "Jeopardy," contestants vie for various
} narcotics and sneakers, by answering clues in the form of a question.
} For instance, a recent "answer" of "Da bee-yatch stole my car and run
} off with one of the brothas" got the correct response of "What up?"
}
} Wheel of Gouda: Just like the original Wheel, with the dollar amounts
} substituted with cheeses of the world.
}
} Who Wants To Be?: A variation on the popular game show where
} contestants philosophize on life by choosing among four multiple choice
} meanings.
}
} The priceline.com Is Right: Host William Shatner sings badly,
} challenging contestants to survive the half-hour version of "Inna Gadda
} Da Vida." Winners receive a flight to anywhere in the continental U.S.,
} generally as far away as possible.
}
} Name That 'Coon: This variation on "Name That Tune" wherein players try
} to figure out the name of a guest raccoon was cancelled after the first
} two episodes when the Rev. Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson
} launched an all-out boycott against the network.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fresh batteries for the remote.


1153-03    (4dnh9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'm trying out to be a contestant on "Who Wants To Be A
> Millionaire?", and I need to choose 5 people to be my phone-a-friend
> lifeline. Would it be alright if I put you on my list?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you considered the fact it might look bad suggesting that you
} count an amorphous Internet entity as one of your five closest
} friends?
}
} You owe the Oracle a unicorn.


1153-04    (5ilh5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most artful and circumspect,
>
> How can I prepare for my next assignment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, go to a pawn shop and retrieve a diamond engagement ring.  You
} will need this to cut open the window.  Cost isn't important, as long
} as it contains a diamond.
}
} when you cut the window open, save a bit of glass - you will need this
} to alter a laser slightly.
}
} You will also need one set of OS/2 Warp 4 install disks, Norton Disk
} Doctor version 1 for DOS (trust me here), four pencils (#2.5) and one
} square foot of leopard print spandex.
}
} You owe the Oracle the roll of transparent tape.


1153-05    (4aAc4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and randy Oracle, who can get it up like a caber, please tell
> me...
>
> Now that James Doohan is going to be a dad at 80, what other aging
> celebrities will do notable things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant, you have stumbled upon a topic near and dear to my,
} ahem, heart, as my lovely girlfriend Lisa will enthusiastically attest
} to.
}
} Among those who have attained octogenarian status and over, who will do
} great things, are:
}
} *  Lillian Carter, will raise money for the Peace Corps by performing
} her own special version of the dance of the seven veils, live on stage
} in Las Vegas.  It is still undecided if she will raise money by taking
} off the veils, or by leaving them on.
}
} *  George Burns, although dead, will marry an as yet unnamed Penthouse
} Playmate(r) and will proceed (throught the miracle of cloning) to sire
} a new line of comedians who will bring about the rebirth of vaudeville.
}
} *  Bob Dole will overdose on viagra(r). Sales will boom.
}
} *  Johnny Carson will overdose on viagra(r). Sales will skyrocket.
}
} *  John-Paul II will overdose on viagra(r). It will outsell asprin.
}
} *  Keith Richards will be revealed to acually be thousands of years
} old. The rock press will switch from telling jokes about how he looks
} like a mummy to reverent comments on how "well preserved" he looks for
} a multi-millenarian. He will write a tell-all book and confess to being
} "into hemlock" in ancient Athens.
}
} *  Last but not least, on advice from her psychic advisor, (after the
} assassination of Vice President Gore) Nancy & Ronald Regan will run for
} the Presidency of the United States.  Their campaign slogan will be,
} "Who would you prefer to be president of this country?  A brain-numb
} lier from Texas, a loudmouth neo-nazi nutcase, or nice old guy with
} alzheimers and his ditzy wife who's a really snappy dresser?"  The
} Reagan/Reagan ticket will win in a landslide.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really big jar of Viagra (not that he needs it, of
} course) or stock in Pfizer.


1153-06    (1ijia dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Surely all this caffeine can't be *that* bad for me, can it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    WHAT HAS FIVE LEGS, THREE EYES, SPOTS, AND SPINS WILDLY
}                     WHENEVER THE CUBS LOSE?
}
} I  have no idea, but Oracle  Enterprises has just  announced
} the latest in morning beverages[1]. Jump start your mornings
} with--
}
}                        ELECTRIC MORN(tm)
}                  the morning beverage of gods
}
} Originally  brewed  by  the  god  Mercury  for  his  equals,
} Electric Morn(tm) has eight and a half times the caffeine of
} most coffees and teas and up to ten times the caffeine found
} in a single Jolt Cola[2]. It will have you alert faster than
} your competition. Drink a pot and travel forward in time[3].
} And the taste--mmm, mmm, god[4].
}
}             Now Available In The Following Flavors
}                          Parthenut
}                       Julius Cinnamon
}                     Nero's Mocha Almond
}
}             Coming Soon To Your Favorite Temple
}
}                        ELECTRIC MORN(tm)
}                  the morning beverage of gods
}
} [1] Looks like, smells like and tastes like coffee, but FDA
}     regulations prevent us from calling it such.
} [2] Statistics provided by Zadoc Testing, Inc. (Serving the
}     Greater Indianapolis area for over a thousand years).
} [3] The years 2012 through 2025 should, however, be avoided.
} [4] Because tastes vary, Electric Morn(tm) also available
}     intravenously (also endorsed by the Council for Traffic
}     Safety and the Department of Transportation).
} [5] You owe the Oracle some downers.


1153-07    (6gqd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Insert Meta-Question Here]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Professor Oracle: And what do we have here class?
}
}           Kendai: A lame question?
}
}  Professor Orrie: Besides that?
}
}            Zadoc: Oh great Oracle, you are...
}
}  Professor Orrie: Shut up Zadoc. Did *anyone* do the required
}                   reading?
}
} [ deathly silence ]
}
} Professor Oracle: This is a cowbird question. It is a non-
}                   question that gets sent in over and over
}                   again just for the heck of it. The cowbird
}                   question pushes legitimate questions out
}                   of the queue each time it is resubmitted,
}                   demanding the attention of the incarnations
}                   whose time would be better spent answering
}                   more creative queries. Cowbirds such as this
}                   turkey here are resubmitted the second the
}                   supplicant gets a reply, no matter what the
}                   reply is. The cowbird questioner rarely
}                   answers the question he gets for the cow-
}                   bird's goal is. . .
}
}          TA Lisa: Sir, it's break time.
}
}           Kendai: Dude.
}
} [ class empties abruptly ]


1153-08    (9cpd7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 88        88
> 88        88
> 88        88
> 88aaaaaaaa88   ,adPPYba,  8b       d8
> 88""""""""88  a8P_____88  `8b     d8'
> 88        88  8PP"""""""   `8b   d8'
> 88        88  "8b,   ,aa    `8b,d8'
> 88        88   `"Ybbd8"'      Y88'
>                               d8'
>                              d8'
>
>   ,ad8888ba,                            88
>  d8"'    `"8b                           ""
> d8'        `8b
> 88          88  8b,dPPYba,  8b,dPPYba,  88   ,adPPYba,
> 88          88  88P'   "Y8  88P'   "Y8  88  a8P_____88
> Y8,        ,8P  88          88          88  8PP"""""""  aaa
>  Y8a.    .a8P   88          88          88  "8b,   ,aa  "88
>   `"Y8888Y"'    88          88          88   `"Ybbd8"'  d8'
>                                                        8"
>
> 88888888888  88               88
> 88           ""               88                ,d
> 88                            88                88
> 88aaaaa      88   ,adPPYb,d8  88   ,adPPYba,  MM88MMM
> 88"""""      88  a8"    `Y88  88  a8P_____88    88
> 88           88  8b       88  88  8PP"""""""    88
> 88           88  "8a,   ,d88  88  "8b,   ,aa    88,
> 88           88   `"YbbdP"Y8  88   `"Ybbd8"'    "Y888
>                   aa,    ,88
>                    "Y8bbdP"
>
> 888888888888  88        88  88   ad88888ba   88
>      88       88        88  88  d8"     "8b  88
>      88       88        88  88  Y8,          88
>      88       88aaaaaaaa88  88  `Y8aaaaa,    88
>      88       88""""""""88  88    `"""""8b,  88
>      88       88        88  88          `8b  ""
>      88       88        88  88  Y8a     a8P  aa
>      88       88        88  88   "Y88888P"   88

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So it's true, those who lack size in certain attributes,
} try to compensate in other areas.
}
} You owe The Oracle a magnifying glass.


1153-09    (6hqc5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ROSS CLEMENT: Nothing new to report on the ZOTlord front.
>
> PAUL KELLY: Not much happening with the search for Zadoc, either.
>
> MVSOPEN: Sorry, I'm new here; what are these guys talking about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} VO: They're talking about the new craze that's sweeping the nation!
}
}     Gratuitous references to priests! Yes, just mention a priest by
}     name and you'll be digested! It's that simple!
}
}     And for $49.95, plus tax and shipping and handling, we'll show
}     you how!
}
} ---= [ sound of a needle skating across a record ] =---
}
} New Kinder Gentler VO:
}
}     Don't be taken in by false claims such as these! Offers like
}     this are frauds. Plain and simple. Don't be fooled.
}
}     This message brought to you by the Better Queue Bureau.


1153-10    (17rjc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O divine Oracle, come with all your wisdom, appear this time-slice,
> and by your guidance save this mortal from ignorance,
>
> What's the nicest way to tell my friend I've had a hand in getting
> them transfer to the office in Podunk so I can have their current
> job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to Orrie Mountain Online Cards!
} ---------------------------------------
}
} What is Orrie Mountain Online Cards?
} We are the largest online electronic card publisher in the world!
} And it's all free! How can this be free? Well, it involves some
} offshore investments and a questionable tax loophole, but that's
} besides the point. We tell everyone it's banners.
}
} So what do we do? We make cards! You can fill out your friend or
} loved one's email address, add your own personal touches, and then
} send it off! Your friend or loved one will be notified by email
} that a card has arrived, then they can check them out on the web!
}
} So what kind of cards do we offer? We offer everything! You name
} it we got it! Birthday, retirement, bris, Christmas, whatever!
} Our searchable index has specific cards for whatever occassion!
} Just check out some of these sample cards!
}
} <cute animated image of a baby>
} I'm sorry your new baby isn't the same race as your husband.
}
} <picture of an animated woman working>
} Don't worry! I'm sure you'll lose those girlscout cookie pounds!
}
} <cartoon guy in a tie looking sad>
} I'm sorry I took your job and had you transferred to Podunk
}
} <strange symbol with flowers>
} Happy Druidic Festival of the Solar Circulation!
}
} <cartoon of an ice pack>
} Sure you waited until you were 35 to get circumcised,
} but I'm sure you'll never miss it!
}
} <cartoon of a guy holding flowers>
} I know your husband's out of town and wanted to offer my services.
}
} <animated shot of some guys in robes stabbing another guy in a robe>
} Merry Ides of March!
}
} So you can see, we have a card for any occasion! Just drop by at
} Orriemountain.com
}
} You owe the Oracle a Merry Pol Pot Day card.


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